The Secret

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The Secret is one of the most important things you could ever know or experience - valuing at about two Buddhas or 90% of Jesus. Also, it is completely made up. Only slack-jawed, mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging lobotomy patients buy into this transparent New Age ruse.

“Without any embellishment at all, the significance of The Secret is more important than the biological urge that encourages reproduction.”

~ Unknown scientist on Oprah
The Secret about to be revealed.

Background of The Secret[edit]

The only lucid words ever spoken by a blind and brain-damaged street urchin, The Secret was written on paper made from human skin, smuggled from orifice to orifice, chinese whispered to a wise man who lived on a mountain and who told only those that could get past the Hydra, before eventually being entombed within an ancient Atlantian crypt for millennia - only to be channeled by an unsuspecting psychic housewife in 2007(100% Verifiable).

“The part I'm uncertain about is getting past the Hydra...well, I don't think the sword will help much...Because it grows back twice as many heads you fucktard.”

~ Hercules on Quest for The Secret

“ ive got a plus 1 axe to kill the hydra, because it cannot regenerate because i have mana burn. what do you mean i have herpes?.”

~ Some Dungeons and Dragons kid( maybe Rufino Ricardo A.) on Quest for The Secret

The Size of The Secret[edit]

The secret is BIG. I mean, really really BIG - bigger than font can convey. Bigger than your mumma and her mumma combined.

“It isn't that big really.”

~ Aristotle on The Secret

“When I heard The Secret, I was totally cool about it - I just kept eating my cheese burger.”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on The Secret

“It didn't fit in any holes I could find.”

~ Wilden on The Secret

Evidence of The Secret at work(100% Verifiable)[edit]

“Haha, good question. Let's just say I had a little help from a certain something.”

~ George W Bush on how he became President

“Without knowing The Secret, I don't think development of nuclear weapons would have been possible.”

~ J. Robert Oppenheimer on the success of the Manhattan Project

What is The Secret?[edit]

I could tell you, but let's face it, if you deserved to know it, you wouldn't even be reading this page - you'd be out manipulating human society in subtle yet massive ways (or something even cooler). Do flowers spontaneously grow in your footsteps? Can you crack open a non-twist top beer just by using an eyelid? Can you calculate Pi? You still aren't good enough to know The Secret. Go home to your mere-mortal-life-is-average existence. Loser.

“Oh God. What did we do wrong? Oh Jesus. It was probably those goddamn action figure dolls you allowed him to have. ”

~ Father on discovering The Family Secret

The Modern Twist[edit]

Firstly, making sure we've established this, The Secret is Massive - massive like a hard-on-in-tight-pants massive. But, there is hope! The Secret, which at the moment is only known to a precious few, is available to you if you're willing to pay the ridiculously small fee for something so potent(!!!) and powerful. For £616.00 you too can share in the success of knowing The Secret. Let me put it another way - how important is gravity to you? Want to have something more important, working on your side? The time is at hand - only the first ten callers get this special offer. Call now and we'll throw in a copy of Crystal Healing - the beginners guide to Atlantian wisdom(100% proven), by the same author. Pay by credit card and received blessed salt satchels - sprinkle them around your house to make a force field to all bad energy/vibes/spirits(unable to block Karma, or voodoo).

Take advantage now!