Michael Phelps

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He looks human but if you peel back those nipples...

Michael Fred Phelps, or Freddy, ( 'ward of the state' documentation placing his time of birth somewhere in the 1980's ) is an alien resident American swimmer who has won countless Olympic medals, establishing numerous competitive benchmarks for the sport of swimming that has disinspired many from even taking it up.  He has won the full range of available medals while participating in events from Athens to Beijinqg, including a brass logo on a string he was awarded at 'Bob's Tuna Takeout' in Okachobee FL where Michael out swam an old aqua circus dolphin named Flipper that had cataracts.  the latter event was a promotional response to allegations that Bob was accepting dolphin laden albacore from his suppliers.  Michael owed him a favor.  

Ironically these events, among others, would earn Michael the title of 'human fish' that he would carry with him throughout his extended career as a promoter of sporting events and all around active living.  In 2006 he was awarded an honorary doctorate from Stanford University for his role in helping depressed whales find therapeutic alternatives to beach suicide as a result of having to share this planet with the rest of us.  Initially Michael had a positive outlook on his collaboration with the university, but he would later become suspect of Stanford's intentions when it was revealed to him that the university had procured some of his early childhood records that were quickly incorporated into the school's department of marine eugenics core curriculum.  The university had told him that having access to those records was part of the agreement for his receiving the honorary doctorate.  Upon asking them why, the department in question told him "You swim like a fish and talk to f'ing whales", and that if he would like to know how they acquired the documentation he should ask 'Brimbsbey'.

Early life[edit | edit source]

How Michael Phelps came to Earth.

Michael "fish whisperer" Phelps was the upbrought product of estranged adoptive parents, Beatrice Trapper and Marco Phelps.  The two career transients took possession of the boy in 1983 upon consignment from the test study lab from which they received, in addition to  Michael, a modest substitute income for their participation in allergy and cosmetics research experimentation, and from which (which one indeed) Michael was first mysteriously introduced to the world of competitive swimming.  Later narrative, given in his own autobiography "I swim" would reveal that Michael actually originated from the planet Water World, theorized to have been located somewhere on the lots of Pinewood Studios in the UK Galaxy and having a movie of the same name made in 1992, staring Kevin Costner playing Michael in the leading role.  

By the age of 3 1/2 the boy sort of received his first exposure to the sport of swimming when his birth father, Jorel ( see abusive alien fathers ), antagonistically chucked Michael into the murky waters off their Alien planet island home for not standing up to his older brother, Kalel ( see superhuman Alien boy sibling rivalry ), who would often, himself, antagonize Michael by putting his hand in warm water while he slept.  Ironically, the resulting humiliation of bed wetting and its consequent association with water lead Michael to begin childhood with an aversion to even going for a swim.  Thus, his father sought to help Michael overcome his phobia with tough love.  It would become a harbinger for the harsh, and often strange treatment he would  receive throughout his career, later in life.

By the age of 5 Michael found himself in the same dire circumstance that the rest of Water World was having to contend with.  Due to mounting preproduction copyright infringements and a foretold end of franchising potential for the actor Kevin Kostner, the future film was a box office flop before it ever hit earth.  Enveloped in a flurry of investor's calling in loans and stage hands breaking down the planet Jorel, seeing the end was near, put his youngest son in a rocket ship and sent him to Earth.  The older of the two sons had already arrived on our planet, and had circulated himself under the alias of Chris Reams, working in the Off Broadway productions of New York and bath houses throughout Hollywood California as part of a family effort to establish their kryptonian super heroism, here.  After a term of waitering and male escort gigs in between auditions he finally made it to the big screen in 1978 with the film "Superman", ' A Triumph of Transsexual role playing'.  Letters sent back to his home world indicated a stark shortage of marketing initiatives for not only gays in film, but for sexually marketable sports venues, as well.   By the start of the movie's production the studio thought his name could use a little touch up and had him change it to 'Christopher Reeves', the name he kept throughout the rest of his career until tragedy struck in 1997. ( see "The Men of Hollywood and homosexual role modeling",  Des Hommes Sur Les Hommes Publishing House, 1998, chapter 9 'A Super Man').

In any event, at the time of his younger son's send off Jorel had learned of the future ratings starved summer Olympic games, and that it was, perhaps, fate that was at the helm of Michael's life from the beginning, as well.  This he relayed to his Earth bound son with these parting words.."This world has come to it's end my son, but the one that you go to now will need you.  For too long the sport of men's Olympic swimming has been relegated to anonymity.  In a world where the lives of athletes are wrought with controversy, the pool lanes have been void of these publicizing assets for too long.  For this reason I give them you, my son."

For 7 space years ( see inconsistent time line editing tricks ) Michael sped towards the Milky Way, while on Earth the monitization of Olympic swimming grew ever more dismal.  This was not helping matters for NBC's already destitute ratings.  Michael's participation, along with women's beach volleyball, in the 2012 Olympics would be the networks knight in shining armor for that year.  The latter, accessorized with drooling onlookers of both genders guised as avid sports enthusiasts, toed the line for decades.  But the day was coming when a young upstart from afar would pepper that dynamic with his own exploits and a pair of calling cards that are, to this day,  the greatest linear footage of pectoral muscles in sports history.

Without filters, Michael looks like this which is why the woman is not afraid.

But Michael's arrival on Earth was, sadly, not the explosive event that his career would turn out to be.  After a turbulent space ship landing in the southern hemisphere Michael was discovered by two south African diamond mine claimers, Gretta and Heinrick Van Kettle, who found the infant not far from the spaceship wreckage, in a cabbage patch.  After close examination of the boy the couple, having determined that he was not one of the locals attempting to smuggle out raw diamonds in his arm pits, kept him for the interim.  And in the process of either finding the right south African authority that could connect them with a suitable black market white baby surrogate, or, of deciding to keep Michael for their own cheap labor the dubious couple would soon come to realize that the boy was made for an even higher calling.  One day, while teaching him how to free dive gravel trough in the nearby marine life preservation, Gretta quickly realized that Michael had a knack for breaking his own personal records in holding his breath while trolling for diamonds.  She saw the monetary potential in these secular exploits and immediate and more honed efforts were made to groom Michael for a new life long career of servitude.

But with the end of apartheid in south Africa prospects for exploitive child rearing, at least among whites, had become very hard to come by. And having no familial feelings for nor obligations to the boy, the indifferent couple of Dutch decent decided to quickly unload Michael before the UN found out, consigning any investigative outcome to obscure census data that only the obscurest of researchers would ever want to find.  And, since giving him up for adoption would bring their own parentage into question and because Michael was just not cute enough anymore, if ever, to be sold on the black market for a lucrative return, the only other recourse the two felt to be available to them was to donate the boy to science, accepting what modest finders fee they could. This, it turned out, was not hard.  Having already exhibited unique properties Michael quickly caught the eye of some scientific inquiry at the SAPS ( south African plantation society ) 'Lost Our Lease' liquidation sale, where the couple sought a clandestine exchange and where lab talent scouts from the Brimbsbey institute for cerebral pulsy research not only noticed Michael's excelerated growth and stamina for his age but also that his upper pallet formation was indicative of those born with the prescribed condition ostensibly central to their institute's core work.  The latter of Michael's conditions would provide adequate cover for the talent scouts in veiling their more in demand needs.  Indeed, the boy was special.  Over time Michael would be subjected to a variety of scientific scrutiny that would lead to his special training and, ultimately, his filling a niche within otherwise mundane and neglected areas of field promotion ( see Olympics coverage needs monitization, above ).  The two scouts quickly absconded with Michael back to the United States where he would be subjected to a battery of experiments that would establish many ground breaking anatomical discoveries, the most notable of which being that men's ankles, too, can be ambidextrous.  After exhaustive testing to the satisfaction of his new patrons Michael was released into the field for extended experimentation under the joint guardianship of Marco and Beatrice Phelps.

By the age of 11 Michael had already obtained Olympic qualification for the 8000 meters butterfly, the youngest, and only human, ever to do so.  For many on and for many who's careers satellited around the olympic committee, young Michael was making waves.  But, due to hopelessly entrenched age restrictions, the committee, initially, could not allow Michael access to the actual games.  A solution was found with the help of now defunct  Penn State assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky, who had proven expertise in forging personal id's and other age and medical condition related documentation, and who was able to hurdle those outdated and tenacious obstacles for olympic qualification that all, on the committee and from other areas that generated concern, agreed had to go. ( See coaching, Olympic committees, information technology, programming, child education, child pornagraphy, child labor, clowns and other related optimal career choices for relentless deviants.)..( Sandusky plans to include an addendum about his help with the committee and about Michael in his newest addition of "Touched: the Jerry Sandusky story", his autobiography that was released in 2001. ( No shit, that's his real book, title, 'colon', and all.))..  And so, with his help, in 2007 the committee was able to secure for Michael a spot on the Olympic swim team.  Sponsorship for the coming 2008 Olympics shot through the roof overnight.  No longer would the lucrative franchising of Olympic greats soley belong to the realms of interesting sporting events, steroid use allegations and the sexual monitization of female athletes.  the world would come to remember Michael 'Freddy Fish Whisperer' Phelps as the man who made Men's Olympic swimming marginally tolerable to watch again.

Physique and training[edit | edit source]

Michael is part fish.  At least that's what the doctors at the Brimbsbey Institute repeatedly engrained into Michael over the 5 or so years ( see space years, again, or write this shit yourself ) prior to his catch and monitored release into the hands of Beatrice and Marco. The good doctors at Brimbsbey believed that the power of delusional reinforcement was not only an important tool in the therapeutic process' but essential in the child rearing one, as well. ( see overly supportive parenting strategies and Dr. Milgrims "Patronizing the ones you pretend to love", an indifferent approach to clinical family therapy ..)  His species is Homo Sailfish.

But, theoretical publication aside, the hands-on techniques they needed to manifest this identity reinforcement for training had to be more 'insistent'.  It would require the expertise of once government sanctioned Chinese dissident psycho therapists who specialized in sleeper cell training methods prior to their exodus from the PRC at the end of the Cold War ( See Manchurian Candidate, outsourcing ).  Those methods were adopted by the Brimbsbey institute and incorporated into Michael's rigorous training program.  Unfortunately, due to linguistic markers inherent in the training process the method had to be implemented using the very native language which was used to develop it.  The method would employ key phrases that, when told to Michael, would activate what could be best described as his subliminally implanted alter ego.  These key phrases, too, had to be, contextually speaking, oriental in nature in order to be effective with the rigors of the treatment process as a whole.  And, as the Chinese generally regard all westerners as decadent scum,  The trainers for Michael, himself a round eye, had an approach that was reflective of this sentiment, as well....

....."(The) Yellow River (is) made of pee, but dysentery (is) nothing compared to ocean of STD"...

....was one cue used to 'activate' Michael just as he was about to dive in.  Convinced he was a spawning sturgeon, fleeing up stream from the brotheled waters of Yankee plauged inlets, naturally spurred him on.  The intended outcome was undeniable, as Michael's career record shows, launching himself in and out of the pool in what has seemed to be unbridled haste.

But the after effects would result in peculiar behavior that would threaten Michael's public image.  At one match during the 2008 games, after prematurely jumping out of the pool and disqualifying himself from the competition, Michael screamed "I can't do this anymore.  Why can't you guys just go before meet?!"  Onlookers noticed nothing untoward as they gazed before them at Michael and what appeared to be clear, well chlorinated water.  Fortunately, In this instance, his handlers managed to calm him and assure him that he was a 'STD clean sturgeon' again.  However, the same training method, but within a difference context, had been attempted at this years track events in a last ditch effort to get everyone else on par with black athletes.  There was little cultural reference for the Chinese training method to draw from so a, all be it encouraging, very course prescription had to make do.  The results, too, had questionable means...

....."Monkey may outrun (the) rabbit but rabbit have job"....

... they would feed an ear full of to the white European and about 1/5 of the white American athletes just before bed time that they might sleep better knowing that sometimes it's ok to just try your best.  Either way, the implementation and adverse side effects of this method brought too much controversy.  ( Inappropriate animal references between athletes had been reported on numerous occasion at this year's Olympics.)  The ramifications of all incidents would lead to the Brimbsbey institute's dropping of their Manchurian Olympic training program for future events, all together.  For Michael it meant that then on he would sink or swim with only his God given fish like attributes and socially more appropriate means of development to help him.

Other methods for Michael's training, therefore, incorporated the more common techniques for developing athletic prowess of building confidence through  idol worship and impressing chicks.  The latter direction would include Michael's developing of unnecessary muscle groups in an attempt to become better eye candy and distract attention away from his tapered upper pallet. ( The goatee did nothing for this ).  In addition, Michael began going on prescribed dating binges in an effort to specialize his attractiveness; creating a 'comfort zone' around him to make him more approachable to the foreign women athletes on the UN's 'most likely to seek political asylum' list, who frequented post olympic event soirees in the hopes of catching a gold medal winner and a green card.  But not withstanding the apparent frivolity of these adaptations to his regimen, Michael continued to beach the competition as noted by his recent success in the 2012 Olympic events.  As for the former approach,  obsessive homage had actually been a staple of Michael's athletic maturation since before puberty.  

Ian Thorpe ( see washed up has beens, swimming ) was Michael Phelp's golden god.  No shit.  Once, while on a publicity tour, Thorpe was attending a sports scholarship convention in Akron where Michael was also attending with his accredited parents, the Phelps, who were at the convention on business ( see Brimbsbey institute, field research policies and employee travel expense per diems ).  There, Michael followed Thorpe into the bathroom, where the former encountered his icon for the first time.  For Thorpe, sadly, and perhaps, for Michael and the rest of us fortuitously, this 'chance' meeting came at a time when Ian was going through tough times, himself.  He was just learning the sponsorship game, and had unwisely reinvested his initial earnings back into those fledgling startups that sponsored him, 'Dim Gup Spicy animal crackers, Dr. Mom's 2 in 1 vitamin drink and laxative, and 'Thorpedo' ( wow, no spell check on that..he is a God ) Herro Kitty swimming mittens.  The culmination of these investment baths, among other woes, are what had led him to these ends.  Ian needed money.....

....."The road to fame must (be) paved with foreskin of many tiger.   Sometime(s) kitty will do.  I have kitty for you"....

....Thorpe recited to the boy in perfect mandarin tone.  Michael received his first and only pair of swimming mittens.  Not withstanding, the course was set for Michael's bright future.

Post swimming career[edit | edit source]

Let's face it, Michael is getting old for the sport.  At least that's what we might infer from his, now, second retirement from the sport and our harking back to his prior comments during the 2008 olympics with regards to leaving the sport before the age of thirty, stating that to compete beyond those years was "reaching for it" and embarrassing, with insinuative commentary thrown at Olympic legend Dana Torres, who, then past 40 and still competing to this day, was and is in twice as good as shape as women half her age, and winning...shame on her.  Either way, with the competition increasingly getting younger, it was only a matter of time where Michael would have to solely rely on appearance fees and his own residual income.  During the height of the summer Olympics there were reported spokesman offers from various pharmaceutical and nutritional supplement companies that may have wanted to capitalize on Michael's reputed and arrogant abstention from steroid use.  But, having defiantly hulked himself out, drug free, Michael no longer fit the school boy image for the natural and entirely ineffective training regimen seen among the cast of bronze medal winners worldwide.

But there has also been some rumblings of Michael going into moving pictures.  Recently, Tri-Star Local International Productions in Sudan has been issuing press releases about the possibility of a Water World II, where it has been suggested that Michael, himself, take the leading role.  Michael, to anyone's knowledge, has made no official statements of being approached by the film company, however there have been recent accounts of him being in public reading aloud what seems to have been script written work, with monologue breaks of "splash", "kirplunk" and "woosh".  There have been other recent accounts, as well,  of him in his back yard swimming pool taking harpoon shots at a life sized buoy mounted poster of Dennis Hopper....  Time will tell.

For the interim Michael has taken up the worlds number 'one' ranked most monotonous sport..golf.  ( ping pong, in years prior, had also ranked several times, but it was determined that the drudging quality of the sport was well alleviated by it's participants because it's funny as he'll to watch little Asians jump around like that.). Under the tutelage of Happy Gilmore Michael hopes to bring to golf what he brought to the sport of Olympic swimming...a modicum of intrigue.  

See Also[edit | edit source]