“Where's my eye liner?”
A metrosexual is the slang term for a person who is sexually excited by public transit. The dominant partner in a metrosexual relationship is called the 'motorman' and the submissive partner the 'passenger'. Other metrosexual slang terms include 'caboose', 'coupler', 'flange', and 'escalator'. Metrosexuals are blamed by model railroad fans for the hobby's transformation into a seething mass of sexual deviance and erotic rail fiction.
The first metrosexuals were a young human couple, believed to be a white person, from Flagstaff, Arizona on holiday in Boston, or a weekend getaway in Daytona Beach, Florida, and his Puerto Rican "house boy".
Aroused by the smell of imported English fake masonry and the peculiar qualities of the New England spring they totally lost control during a subway ride. The in-car camera system captured them in their unabashed public lovemaking. Footage of this event caused email servers to crash all over the world the next day. Inspired by this erotic footage, people around the world began questioning their own ypnodomatiosexuality and experimenting with a metrosexual lifestyle. Within six months, 5% of the world's population identified as metrosexual, and over 15% said that they "had tried or wanted to try" metro-sex.
Metrosexuals were brought into popular culture in the late 1960's after David Bowie came out as a homometrobisexual forcing Metro-sex into the public eye.
Reasons for becoming a metrosexual
What could have made that Flagstaff Couple unable to wait until they were in the privacy of their bedroom before making hot sweaty love to each other?
As always, Freud has the answer.
Jung, however, disagrees.
During the heyday of metrosexuality, several metro trains in cities such as London, New York, Paris and San Francisco were converted into underground underground nightclubs and attracted metrosexual revelers from around the world.
Rumors about the illicit activities that took place here circulated, most of them condemning the clubs as havens of drug-use and unprotected sex. One DC deacon said:
"These clubs create an atmosphere of moral irresponsibility wherein our friends, coworkers, and even our children and spouses are tempted to sin. Curious partygoers are drawn in by the novelty and by the time they get to Shady Grove, they find themselves high on crack and indulging in carnal sins with an under-aged woman."
Club supporters denounced these denunciations as bigoted slander based on ignorance and fear.
End of metrosexuality
It is unknown whether the prohibitive cleaning costs of the subway-cars or the lawsuits of the Moral Majority were to blame, but for one year all subway lines were closed all over the world. For some metrosexuals the adjustment was hard; a few got restraining orders from Amtrak, others spent fortunes redecorating their bedrooms. It is believed that some went cold-turkey, and returned to more vanilla amorous exploits.
In any case, when the metro reopened, the momentum had gone, and people were quite busy following different fads. The era of the metrosexuals had gone and passed.
Recently metrosexuals have moved their lives from the rails to the virtual world. This involves having virtual sex inside of various motor related video games such as Need for Speed and Halo 2. These games involve crashing into one another at high speed over and over again until climax is reached. This usually involves a "High Score" or "Game Over".
Metrosexuals are huge fans of female anime, manga and video game characters they "relate" to, reality TV shit like The Kardashians or some other teen girl series that appeals to metrosexual boys as well a few older horny men with no lives.
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This article was chosen as the Best Rewrite in the April 2006 Poo Lit Surprise writing competition.