God Hates Fags
God Hates Fags is a London-based anti-smoking group who quote passages from the Bible to prove that God is a non-smoker. They claim that smoking cigarettes is a mortal sin, even going so far as to picket the funerals of people who have died of lung cancer.
Rationale
Like Jehovah's Witnesses,[1] God Hates Fags believes that smoking harms the smoker and others. The nicotine in tobacco products is addictive, and addictions interfere with loving God with all one's strength (Mark 12:30). Making others breathe secondhand smoke breaks Jesus's command to "love your neighbor as yourself" (Matthew 22:39), and releasing it in the atmosphere, polluting it, violates our responsibility to take care of the Earth that comes with being its God-appointed stewards. Quitting is one way to "cleanse ourselves of every defilement of flesh" (2 Corinthians 7:1) and purify the body, which "is the temple of the holy spirit" (1 Corinthians 6:19).
Smoking ban in Britain
Everybody knows that the influence of Christians in British politics is increasing by the nanosecond; like the little girl bitching about having to abide by school uniform rules. (She was told she couldn't wear her "I'm purer than you" ring. Bitch.) The latest move influenced by a Christian organization, God Hates Fags, is a complete ban on smoking in confined spaces.[2]
As of 2020 all smoke-based activity is banned within Britain including:
- Smoking pot
- Smoking salmon
- Smoking 'em out with dynamite
- Your smoking hot dad
- Smoking pot again and thinking it is a good replacement for your personality
- Smoking all types of meat (both pork and unpork)
To enforce these new rules the government is using a surveillance program to catch those you fuckers in the act, with over three trillion dollars (five quid) spent installing cameras in every room of every home and hiring police officers to watch. This has led to hiding within closets, the only area in Britain unwatched by the Queen.[3]
Opponents
As always, when Christians try to do good things, atheists crawl out of the woodwork and try to spoil everything. The notorious pro-atheist, pro-smoking, pro-everything-that-is-evil organization Athey stepped in to seduce everybody back into smoking. They created a new pro-smoking group called – you guessed it – God Loves Fags.
Smokom and Somorrah
This is a story from verse 19 of the first book of the Bible, Sega Genesis. These two sister cities are the heart of the tobacco industry. One day God decided to blow up the two cities. We don't quite know how or why, he just did.
The story begins with two angels coming down from, er, the ionosphere? Well, whatever, they came down to speak with anti-smoking activist Lot. Later in the night a large group of horny smokers came from the cities demanding to meet and get to know the anti-smoking angels. The anti-smoking activist Lot decided to hand over his daughters so they could rape them instead. The men were so disgusted that they put their clothes back on and left for their home cities. (Well they had to be there to die, didn't they?)
The men of Smokom and Somorrah called the police as soon as they got back, so the police died too when God destroyed the cities. God apologized to the families afterwards explaining that it was a mistake. God decided to turn Lot's wife into a pillar of crack cocaine.
As always with the Bible the story contradicts itself in roughly one million different places. To save time we'll just look at two of the different interpretations. The moral of the story according to GHFs and GLFs are shown below.
Moral according to GHFs
Since God destroyed the cities of Smokom and Somorrah he must hate smokers. That is it. They have never said anything more than that.
Moral according to GLFs
While God destroyed the cities Smokom and Somorrah that does not necessarily prove he hates smokers; just that he likes destroying things and killing people. After all, he did kill the wife of the no-smoking activist Lot. GLFs argue that Lot was a cunt for offering his daughters over to be raped by every horny man from Smokom, and the Daily Mail agrees.
Because the men want to "know" the angels, the logic goes, they are homosexuals. But what kind of logic is that? The only way these Sodomites can get to "know" these celestial beings, homosexually, is by, well, "sodomizing" them. But why would God create angels with rectums? Surely no one shits in heaven.
References
- ↑ "A World Hooked on Smoking" from Awake! March 22, 2000.
- ↑ Live updates
- ↑ Good luck in there.
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