UnNews:UK pub smoking ban going as smoothly as might be expected

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

1 July 2007

The Rev Phelps has "come out" in favour of the move.

NIC FIT, London, Sunday (UNN) — The English ban on smoking in enclosed places, including pubs and all workplaces, started today. England was the last part of the United Kingdom to broadly prohibit smoking, with Wales and Northern Ireland instituting such a ban in April and Scotland last year.

"A smoke-free country will improve the health of thousands of people, reduce the temptation to smoke and encourage smokers to quit," said newly appointed Health Secretary Alan Johnson. "We expect only minor problems with smokers taking up incredibly annoying nervous habits and tics, screaming abuse at their loved ones, scratching at their own flesh or bursting into fits of rage and beating the crap out of passing policemen, skinheads or dock workers for 'looking at me in a funny way' before collapsing gasping and coughing."

When Dr Sigmund Freud was asked to put out his cigar, he glared at our reporter and told him to "go fuck your mother."

Professor Richard Patronise, one of the world's leading experts on the effects of tobacco, predicted on Saturday that the ban could prevent up to half a million deaths a year from tobacco-related illnesses, only slightly offset by the two hundred thousand deaths of others likely to result from smokers being deprived of their nicotine hit.

A PETA spokesfur hailed the effects the decrease in second-hand smoke would have on the health of pets, though noting concern for the thousands of released tobacco-testing lab animals now roaming the countryside gasping for a fag.

Celebrity chef Antony Worrall Thompson branded the ban an "infringement of civil liberties" and pledged that pro-smoking campaigners would "fight on." The smoker then grabbed a passing council worker, who had asked him to put out his cigarette, by the throat, screaming "HOWFUCKINGDAREYOUKEEPMEAWAYFROMMYCIGSFUCKER! INEEDAFUCKINGFAGANDIFUCKINGNEEDONEFUCKINGNOW!!" before apologising for his outburst and releasing his victim's neck.

Sources

• Pete Doherty "Gasping up grey slime is thin and sexy" It certainly worked for me, 1 July, 2007