Caitlyn Jenner
_____ Caitlyn Marie Jenner (born October 28, 1949) is the Kardashian who is least into butt stuff. Unlike the other Kardashians, whose hobbies include butt-selfies, putting glasses of alcohol on their butts, and rubbing their butts on Kanye West, Caitlyn Jenner is best known for running faster than most other men and cutting off her penis. It is important to specify that she is not known for running faster than most other men while cutting off her penis; this is not a thing that Caitlyn Jenner has done. Her penis cost four million dollars to remove; it would be no simple matter to do this while she was running, especially because she runs so very fast.
Jenner is the father to six children, two of whom are named Burt and Brody. Burt and Brody Jenner are best known for putting on karate outfits, bursting unannounced into high school auditoriums, holding up their fists, and yelling "We're Burt and Brody! Don't do drugs!" To date, neither Burt nor Brody have cut off their penises. If they did, they would become significantly famouser than they are.
Jenner's decision to cut off her penis was quite a shock to the world. This is because she wasn't one of those obviously closeted homosexual athletes like Cristiano Ronaldo, Tony Romo, or Joakim Noah. She was Bruce Fucking Jenner. He won the Olympic Gold Medal in the Decathlon, the third-manliest event at the Olympics (after water polo and hockey). In an even crazier move that shook even more people, she later endorsed laws banning trans girls from participating in sports.
When Caitlyn is not running fast or cutting off her penis, she enjoys being dyslexic, vehicular manslaughter, and sitting in a chair looking bemused by all the butt stuff going on around her.
Birth and childhood[edit | edit source]
Caitlyn Jenner was born in 1949. She was a breech birth, with her penis emerging first from her mother's dilated and effaced cervix. The doctor is said to have exclaimed "Holy smokes! Get a load of that penis!" and immediately left the hospital to call President Harry Truman from a pay phone. This left Jenner's parents alone to pull the infant Jenner out of her mother by her penis.
Caitlyn's mother wanted to circumcise the young Jenner, but her father balked, saying it would be like drawing a moustache on the Mona Lisa. The two argued for several hours, leaving Caitlyn lying in a crib, her penis curiously exploring its surroundings. Finally, Caitlyn's father procured a picture of the Mona Lisa, drew a moustache on it, and showed it to Caitlyn's mother, at which she exclaimed "Holy smokes! I don't want her to look like that!"
Several years later, the young Caitlyn Jenner realized she could run slightly faster than most of the other boys. As she crossed the finish line, winning the race by a penis's breadth, she declared "This is the rock upon which I shall build my church." Caitlyn continued to run, and run, and run. When she encountered an older boy she couldn't best, she would occasionally lash out with her penis and trip him.
The Olympics[edit | edit source]
In 1976, Caitlyn went to the Olympics. There, she was awarded the title of "best fast-running guy". She stood on the top level of the winner's podium, proudly held her gold medal in the air, and bellowed "By the power of Greyskull! I run so fucking fast!"
The people thought it was great that Caitlyn was the fastest running guy they'd ever seen run fast, and so they put her picture on cereal so children could look at her while they ate cereal. They had to airbrush out most of her penis, though, due to the strict anti-obscenity laws of 1976. The Village People also thought it was great that she ran fast, and they cast her in a movie called "Can't Stop the Music", where she played the guy who stopped the music. The title was misleading.
One event that took place not long in the future was when Caitlyn met a widow named Kris Kardashian. Kardashian walked up to Caitlyn and said, "Hi, I'm Kris Kardashian. My husband died of esophageal cancer at age 59 on September 30, 2003." Caitlyn ignored her, looking instead at her eleven-year-old daughter Kim, and exclaimed "Wow! Your daughter has the My Penis of butts!" Then Kris and Caitlyn embraced passionately and subsequently engaged in sexual intercourse while Kim stood there awkwardly thinking about how embarrassing it is for people to watch you having sex.
Kris and Caitlyn didn't do any butt stuff, though, because Caitlyn really isn't into butt stuff.
Shortly thereafter, Caitlyn killed some people with her car, but that's okay.
The Depenising[edit | edit source]
One day, Caitlyn looked down at her penis and said "This penis is so fucking awkward. I've never liked it." Ten minutes later, Kris Kardashian walked into the kitchen and saw Caitlyn trying to insert her penis into the garbage disposal, exclaiming "Zounds! We need a bigger garbage disposal! Or maybe I just need a running start!" Kris calmed Caitlyn down and suggested that she spend four million dollars on penis removal instead.
Ninety-four hours and seventeen surgeries later, Caitlyn Jenner stood on a news podium, proudly held her severed penis in the air, and bellowed "By the power of Greyskull! I am a proud and independent woman!"
The people thought it was great that Caitlyn had finally removed that pesky penis, and so they put her picture on Vanity Fair so children could be confused. The picture was pretty heavily Photoshopped because Caitlyn insisted on looking "fappable". In fact, it was so heavily Photoshopped that Vanity Fair didn't bother taking any actual pictures, and just began with a crude pornographic sketch of the prophet Mohammed.
Subsequently, the Internet exploded even harder than that time Caitlyn's daughter Kim put wine on her butt. Caitlyn received an outpouring of love and support, with men all over the country holding aloft copies of Vanity Fair and declaring "I could totally fap to this! I just choose not to." There was a worldwide competition to see who could love the penisless Caitlyn Jenner the most. This contest was won by 22-year-old Madison Smith of Calgary, who covered her entire body in tattoos of Caitlyn Jenner jumping over things.
Today, Caitlyn Jenner enjoys being dyslexic and basking in her newfound glory. She still hasn't developed a taste for butt stuff, though.
