Gouverneur Morris
Gouverneur Morris was a Founding Father of the United States and the author of the Preamble to the United States Constitution. He was rich, influential, and wore only the finest powdered wigs. Then he shoved a whale bone up his dickhole and died.
Gouverneur Morris | |
|---|---|
| United States Senator from New York | |
| Preceded by | James Watson |
| Succeeded by | Theodorus Bailey |
| Personal details | |
| Born |
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| Died |
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| Political party | Federalist |
| Spouse | Ann Cary "Nancy" Randoplh (m. 1809) |
Early life[edit | edit source]
Morris was born in 1752 in, Morrisania. The Morrises were the kind of wealthy landowning family that thought "Morrisania" was a perfectly normal thing to name your house and "Gouverneur" was a perfectly normal thing to name your baby. Morris's birth was a notoriously difficult one. After thirty-six hours of labor, his mother, exhausted and delirious, famously cried out "Does my baby draw breath? Does he yet live?"
"Yeah," said the midwife. "He'll be just fine as long as he doesn't shove a whale bone up his dickhole. That will be forty cents."
His father paid the midwife and looked at his naked newborn son. "What a queer woman," he remarked. "Anyway, I dub thee Gouverneur."
Revolutionary War[edit | edit source]
When the American Revolution broke out, Morris was only twenty-three years old, but he was not conscripted, as he was already a politician. Apparently he'd just shown up to the politics place and said "I'm Gouverneur Morris," and they said that, yes, this seemed like the right building for him to be in.
Morris was an outspoken Patriot, but his parents both supported the Loyalist cause, which was super awkward. When his mother allowed British soldiers to use Morrisania as a military outpost, he complained bitterly.
"Mommmmm!" he is said to have whined. "You're embarrassing me in front of all my wig friends! What the Hell, Mom?"
"Oh, please, Gouvernor," she replied. "It's not that embarrassing. It's not like dying because you shoved a whale bone up your dickhole."
Morris considered that to have been a very strange and specific example of an embarrassment, but the entire matter soon became moot, after the Americans put their boots into the redcoats' collective limey asses and sent them packing.
Preamble to the Constitution[edit | edit source]
In 1787, another Founding Father named Arthur St. Clair burst into Morris's office and said "Gouvernor! It's been eleven years since we won the war! What have you been doing all this time?"
"What?" asked Morris.
"We need, like, a President! And a government! Which means we need a Constitution! Get off your ass and do your job!"
"Oh. Okay, I'll start on it today."
"Thank you," said St. Clair, and left the office.
"That lousy porridge wog," muttered Morris. "It'd serve him right if he took, like, a whale bone to the dickhole."
Then Gouverneur Morris cracked his knuckles and was all like[edit | edit source]
WE THE PEOPLE
"Damn it, that's too big," Morris observed. "Now there's no room for any other words." He started over.
WE, the People of the United States, in order to form a more perfect Union, eftablifh Juftice, infure domeftic Tranquility, put whale bonef in our dickf, provide for the common Defence, promote the General Welfare, and fecure the Blessings of Liberty to Ourfelves and our Pofterity, do ordain and eftablish this Constitution for the United States of America.
"Wow, that's almost perfect," said St. Clair.
"Thankf!" said Morris.
"Maybe take out the part about whale bones and dicks, though. Just a little constructive criticism."
Urinary Tract Infection[edit | edit source]
In 1816, Gouverneur Morris was sleeping when he rolled over and urinated in his chamberpot. "Ouch!" he suddenly cried. "It burns when I pee!"
"It sounds like you have a urinary tract infection," remarked Ann Cary Randolph. That's his wife. We forgot to mention he had a wife. Her name was Ann Cary Randolph.
"Well what shall I do about it, Nancy?" asked Morris. That's also his wife. We forgot to mention that Ann Cary Randolph went by 'Nancy.' Nobody really knows why.
"I guess maybe drink some cranberry juice? Or go see a doctor?" said Ann Cary 'Nancy' Randolph.
These were very good suggestions, but Governeur Morris suddenly had an even more brillianter idea.
So then he went to his whale bone cabinet[edit | edit source]
and he got his favorite piece of whale bone, and he shoved it right up his dickhole. Just all the way up in there.
Naturally, this punctured his urethra, and he bled internally, and the wound quickly became septic, and he died from that.
Legacy[edit | edit source]
Americans begrudgingly named some towns and ships after him, but mostly they try to keep him out of the history books, because he's the Founding Father who shoved a whale bone up his dickhole and died.