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Ah... sweet, succulent snot

“'snot very nice!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Snot

“I can't keep it in, I've got to let it out, I've got to show the world, the world's got to see.”

~ Cat Stevens on Snot

Snot in its simplest form is an addictive sweet smelling substance produced by smoking fresh giblets.

It may also be extracted from the gluteus maximus if needed.

Forms[edit | edit source]

Snot comes in a variety of different shapes, flavors and colours, not to mention SOUNDS; Indeed, who could fail to be impressed by the clear bell-like metallic chime of a well aimed crust as it hits the softly curving inner parts of a steel waste-bin.

Any visitor to mainland China will have thrilled to the sheer joy of listening to a public Hock-a-loogie session where the Nasal Boogers get to join up with throat borne mucus to be expelled as a crusty-coated pavement Oyster.

Taste[edit | edit source]

A 1985 Harvard University study ("Snot: Addictive Properties, J.E Brown, L. Lyons et al") has proven that snot in its solid forms contains a unique innate mating mechanism. By emitting a sweet pollen smell, snot is often able to fool its potential consumer that its taste will be sweet, however on injestion the consumer is greeted by a different unpalatable salty flavor. This flavor is often accompanied with a slightly sour aftertaste.

As a Food[edit | edit source]

Since the dawn of time, humans have been eating snot. Usually, they gorge on their own snot, but there have been recorded instances where interpersonal snot-eating has taken place. Archaeologists have discovered cave drawings from thousands of years ago involving various humanoid creatures engaging in the act of snot-tasting. In fact, scientists at Mucus University in Snotsberg, Illinois have discovered that there are many beneficial properties of snot. For instance, snot increases one's sex drive by 79.124304582%! At the moment, the FDA is trying to pass legislation which would add an entirely new food group to the food pyramid: snot.

The Soylent Green debate[edit | edit source]

Snot has never been cool, hip, happening or moxie (whatever you youngsters call it these days). Movies are made about semen (e.g. The Cum Shot Trilogy), urine (e.g. On Golden Pond) and faeces (e.g. Gigli), so why has snot been treated as Hollywood's ginger stepchild of bodily excretions? It's time to challenge the age-old taboo, and highlight the first failed attempt to make snot cool.

Soylent Green. It's made from people, right? It also happens to be green and tasty, with occasional crunchy bits in it. Ring any bells? The clincher - rearrange the letters of Soylent Green and you get... Le Greeny Snot, El Greeny Snot, or even Snotley Green.

The Future Of Snot[edit | edit source]

In the past, efforts to grant snot the iconic status it deserves failed dismally. However, the next wave of the coolification of snot is imminent. Proudly verdant superheroes such as The Green Lantern, The Incredible Hulk and Shrek are subliminally paving the way for everyone's favourite bodily excretion to become the Next Big Thing. Look around you. More and more people are mining their nasal passages for precious green gold. Feel that itchiness... it needs to be scratched. Pick it. Pick it! Pick it now!

See also[edit | edit source]