Fake meat
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Fake meat, also known as "Meat-like substitute", "Fauxe viande", "Veggies in disguise", or "USDA Subprime", is a semi-organic substance intentionally made to masquerade as actual meat. For many years, the fake meat market struggled to fool anybody who even had as little as half of their sensory apparatti intact. It was only until very recently when enormous strides were made in the seemingly impossible endeavor, thereby permitting the wholesale deception to actually succeed in resembling delicious meat solely provided that minimal suspension of disbelief was close at hand.
| DISCLAIMER |
| No animal has ever been needlessly harmed in the manufacture of fake meat. Honestly! To take the life of even one of God's defenseless creations merely to provide sustenance to otherwise starving people is morally, ethically, and atheistically wrong. No innocent animal need ever die again, except of old age, or rodeo exhibitions. |
How fake meat is processed[edit | edit source]
It is simply amazing what they can do with fake meat these days. First, a template of the intended slice of heaven is drawn up using advanced CAD software applications. The resulting vector traces are then fed into a 3D printer that then loaded with an abundant supply of chopped celery, orange marmalade, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, wood chips, and concentrated beet juice. As anticipation rises, we watch the mouth-watering pâté slowly extruding from the printer's supple orifice. It is quite a sight to behold the mucilaginous mass take on the characteristics of pulsating, yet dying flesh, dripping with succulent rivulets of reddish liquids. Mmmmm, mmmm good!
Once the mass of quivering semisolid goo has sufficiently congealed enough to hold its curvaceous shape, well, that's when the real fun begins! With deft strokes of precision, the fake-meat artisan boldly hacks at the so-called raw meat with mighty swings of a large well-sharpened meat cleaver (government-certified to have NEVER been previously used on an innocent living creature, honestly!), spurting gobs of crimsony ooze all over the place (droool!) with every thunderous blow. Chop, chop, chop! The resulting one-to-three-inch slabs look so inviting that one can barely resist the overwhelming temptation to chow down a huge mouthful of it, even in it's seemingly raw state. We also notice to our astonishment the virtually life-like appearance of veins and sinews and marbled fat running through the severed cross-sections of the tender chunks, and even a simulated bone sticking out, splintered and glistening under the fluorescent lamps(!) Wow, that 3D printer really can do wonders, can't it?!
Roasting to perfection[edit | edit source]
Gathering the dripping pieces of the now-severed and incredibly realistic "meat", the chef (resplendent in his beet-juice-drenched apron) thrusts long sharpened steel spikes through a half-dozen meatish globules at a time, and then hangs them all over an open oven pit with searing-hot flames shooting up almost to the ceiling. Within a few seconds, we can already hear the mouth-watering sizzling of drippings playing sweet-nothings with the brilliant inferno, and eagerly inhale the pungent aroma of burning animal-like goodness bursting through the air with such unbridled delight that we are on the verge of passing out in overwhelming ecstasy!
Final preparation[edit | edit source]
OMG! It seems an eternity, but we now soon can count the long individual minutes to the final goal of ravenous consumption! However, there is still much preparatory work to be done which will guarantee the enrapturous sensation of, seemingly, tearing apart real charred animal flesh with our bare teeth. There is nothing like a heaping plateful of savory gristle-laden beef-like chunks to bring out the primal carnivore in all of us! The unbridled eagerness swells as we garnish the tasty dish with long wrinkly strips of broiled fake bacon and top it all off with a pig's-head-shaped trophy of carved and painted tofu with a candied meat-free apple forcibly jammed into its simulated gaping mouth!
The moment of joy has arrived[edit | edit source]
Quick, pass me the BBQ sauce before I die of unfulfilled yearning!!! Oh, yeah, just sinking my teeth through that tough yet yielding fleshiness is soooo, mmmf oh god my mmmmth in heavahjc arrrfhhhmunch much PLEASURE OVERLOAD o i can BAREly restrainmmmf OH GOD I WANT TO grab that cow standingoveR THERE invting me to PLUUUNGE my truSTY STEAK KNIfE nd rip rip RIPPPP ITS BEATING BLEEEDINg heaRT right out of its torn CARCASSES maim slaSSSHHH mangle SSSLAHSHH manGLe MUTILitATE cut cut cutTTINNG BLOOOD-SPuurting EVERYRARE KILL KKKILLLL KIIILLLL O GAWD hitchcock psHYCO MURDER slice-n-diCE 911 OOO OOO witha CUISINART™ pools of blood riVERS OF BBBLOOODDD EVRYWHERE YAAARRRGHHH OOOOOOO strANGling puppies OHHH GOD I'M GONNNA i'mmm COMMMMMING SO FUCTING HARRRDOOO OOOOOOO AGGGHHH oooooo yeah baby ooo...
... ooooo...
... err (ahem)...
... Anyway, today's fake meat makes being a vegetarian not so bad.