Cut

Cut is the process by which one of something becomes two, or one becomes something with a big slice in it.

Albert Hitchcock's quirky failure to yell "cut!" resulted in 9 celebrity deaths.

Theory and Early Experiments[edit | edit source]

Cutting was originally discovered in 48 B.C. by the Greek philosopher Play-Doh, who postulated that all objects were composed of a combination of smaller elements, and that if you cut any object with a sharp enough knife, you could eventually separate the elements into their separate and pure states.

This controversial theory was finally put to the test in 45 A.D., when the Roman Senate cut Caesar Agustus into tiny little pieces in an attempt to see what elements were necessary to create a good emperor. The experiment failed when the ex-sailor Bluto accidentally cut through Agustus's water element, creating hydrogen and oxygen, and baffling the assembled senators.

Similar experiments were conducted throughout the Dark Ages in Europe, when the Catholic Church attempted to cut Satan out of people it had determined were heretics. While no "Satan" element was ever discovered, the overall effect of the widescale experimentation was a significant decrease in heretics, so the experiment was deemed a partial success.

Cutting as a Political Tool[edit | edit source]

In the late 1700's cutting was used by the Les Miserables to separate the heads of the pampered French aristocracy from their bodies. French physicist Robert Guillaume invented a device specifically for this purpose, called the autoclave, which eventually simply became known as the "Guillaumetine."

Technological Advances[edit | edit source]

After much failed experimentation, in 1923, patent office clerk Albert Einstein invented a way for light to separate small particles into even smaller particles, resulting in the creation of so many new particles there was no place left to put them, so he invented parallel universes.

Other Developments[edit | edit source]

In 2004, actress Meg Ryan (above) starred in the motion picture "In the Cut," in which she receives oral sex for approximately two minutes because the director, Quentin Tarantino, forgot to yell "cut."

Additionally, scientists have determined that if you cut apart a quark with a beam of charged photons, the resulting sub-atomic particles will have oral sex for approximately .006 seconds before vanishing into a parallel universe.

See also: