Tofu

This article is about the indestructible polymerized resin. For the awesome biological weapon, see Tofu (biological weapon).

“Tofu is people!”

~ Charlton Heston on Tofu

“I pity the fool who eats this crap!”

~ Mr. T on Tofu

“This is the only food in the world that doesn't taste like chicken.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Tofu

“Happy now? Isn't that better?”

~ FBOPOASWCTTSIOBOWAEOCNIAICATLRAWAMOHEIH on Tofu

“Tofu, or bean curd, is a food of Chinese origin, made by coagulating soy milk, and then pressing the resulting curds into blocks”

~ Captain Obvious on Tofu

“STFU!”

~ This Guy on Captain Obvious on Tofu

Tofu (Japanese: トフー; literally "toe food") is an indestructible polymerized resin which was synthesized by creation scientists to help win the War against Plutocracy and to dominate the world. Well, not really.

Physical analysis of tofu sample (stolen from US laboratory secret archives by British intelligence agents, 1947)

The misty past

In 1812, the famous inventor Thomas Edison, who was nine years old at the time, was experimenting with the arcane and sinister forces of electricity by sending 50 billion volts through all kinds of things such as pickles, pointed sticks, inanimate carbon rods, foreign cheeses, gerbils, frogs, kittens, eels, hot dogs, badgers, turtles, pineapples, the letter J, Millard Fillmore, French horns, and Kentucky Fried Haggis™. While desperately searching for other things to zap, the sadistic little twerp discovered a strange and totally impervious substance encrusted on the underside of his grandfather's spare chamber pot. History has never been the same since.

The misty present

Tofu is one of the world's most versatile inorganic substances, second only to ketchup. It is used in such diverse products as electric buggy whips, wireless telephone cords, unicorn prods, thermonuclear weapons, pantyhose, and irregular polyhedra.

Today, tofu is a commonly chosen method of suicide, and is, as of 2006, the number one cause of death in Japan. Methods of administration include oral, nasal, anal and smashing your head against it for a prolonged period of time.

The bleak and horrible future we now live in

By the year 2020, all snack foods and government-owned buildings will be constructed entirely out of tofu. Wait a minute... you're telling me it's 2024 already??? Oh, crap!  :-(

Tofu in pop culture

Nickelodeon (the evil Satanizer of America's youth circa 1990 AD) popularized tofu through its elaborate propaganda campaign, centered around the cartoon Doug. Into this show, Doug's favorite band, The Beets, inserted many false and misleading subliminal messages about the substance. "Aaaaayyy eeeee oooo!!! Killer Tofuuuu!!!" repeatedly bombards the virgin ears of America's youth until a collaboration between Ronald McDonald and the America's beef farmers cancelled the show before the turn of the Millennium.

Tofu as food

Natural tofu are gentle beasts which roam wild o'er the plains of Canadia. Intrepid tofu hunters must find them there. In the lucrative tofu trade, these hunters take their finds to retailers who sell to health food stores, Japanese restaurants, and dirty hippie communes.

Despite numerous attempts, no live tofu have ever been successfully domesticated. In captivity, the soft, protein-filled body of the tofu becomes tough and desiccated, and eventually the gentle tofu dies in screaming and writhing agony. While this has been avoided in a few cases with the capture of immature tofutti, full-grown tofu seem unable to breed in captivity.

The sweet young tofu are often preferred by connoisseurs, but the larger tofu (which can grow to an adult size of up to several metric tons) are often prized for their fleshy goodness.

Recent revelations have led scientists to believe that tofu are commonly kept in the dungeons underneath many stores in Chinatown. They are described as smiling puffs of fluffy fur. However, there exists no known photographic evidence of this.

The Paradox

When Tofu was created, tofu was used in this creation. It is unknown how Thomas Edison come into contact with the Tofu, but it is believe it was through the Tofu Monster. Although the Tofu he used was 110% Tofu, which would kill a man if he ate. It is believe that is was called Mountain Jew Tofu.

The Song

If you ever meet a tofu in the city, do not call the officials. Stay calm, don't panic, and sing this song to the tofu:

我看到一个豆腐在走路，在走路，在走路。 (Pronunciation: Wo kan dao yi ge dou fu zai zhou lu. Zai zhou lu, zai zhou lu.) (Meaning: I see one tofu, walking, walking, walking.)

这个豆腐在走路，那个豆腐会走路... (Pronunciation: Zhe ge dou fu zai zhou lu, na ge dou fu hui zhou lu...) (Meaning: This Tofu is walking, that tofu knows how to walk...)

阿...阿... (Pronunciation: AH...AH...) (Meaning: AH...AH...)

我上看，下看，左看，右看，没有一个豆腐会走路... (Pronunciation: Wo shang kan, xia kan, zuo kan, you kan, mei you yi ge dou fu hui zhou lu...) (Meaning: I looked in all directions, yet not one tofu knows how to walk...)

我前看，后看，斜看，歪看，为何这个tofu会走路？ (Pronunciation: Wo qian kan, hou kan, xiu kan, luo kan, wei he zhe ge tofu hui zhou lu?) (Meaning: I looked in all other directions, why is it that this tofu knows how to walk?)

(Repeat from start)

After you sing this song several times, the tofu will start to squirm in agony, for this song makes them realize they're supposed to be small, harmless and non-living. After one more repeat of the song, they would completely stop moving. By then, they would have turned into lifeless beings that are totally safe to eat and delicious.

Encounters

• In 1923, a desperate tofu was seen playing the Russian Roulette.
• A stinky tofu was seen between the picture of Lenin and Stalin.
• In 1994, a tofu was born. It changed the world's perspective. Now we think twice before taking a bite.
• Lightsabers are made from tofu.

See also

• Nofu
• 豆腐不败 (Undefeated Tofu)
• Plastic
• Dystopia
• Soylent Green
• Stinky tofu
• The Box