Carbon
Carbon, derived from the Greek car ("global") and bon ("warming"), is a chemical element in the idiotic table, with the symbol C and atomic number .
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Carbon is the scientifically proven cause of all the world's problems, and has many allotropes such as chocolate and Frisbees™. Diamonds are composed of carbon, so that nice ring that you gave a loved one ... Well, it isn't exactly showing love. Carbon also has the ability to repel the living dead, which makes it especially useful in the event of a zombie attack.
History[edit | edit source]
Carbon was first invented by caveman Patrick Moore in the year 350BC as a constituent for his new power source, fire.
Carbon also once formed a group that stood up to a significant threat by the element Boron to contort space-time. The conflict became known as the Periodic Table wars.
Overview[edit | edit source]
Carbon occurs in all Organic Life® and is the basis for organic chemistry. It has the unusual nature of being able to destroy any environment it is present in, and it can also form Convenient Bonds with itself and other elements. It is a non-metal, and explodes in the presence of heavy metal music. Its tetravalent tendency allows it to form many pure-carbon allotropes, for example, Bucky's Balls as well as tens of billions of trillions of carbon-based compounds.
Allotropes[edit | edit source]
Carbon forms many allotropes, almost all of which cause at least one of the world's problems.
- The simplest allotrope, chocolate, consists of molecules each containing fifty carbon atoms, and is the primary cause of obesity. The presence of chocolate in the bloodstream at minute (fr: "my newt") concentrations causes the body to swell and gain weight.
- Single molecules of carbon, each in the shape of a circle 15–25cm in diameter, consist of 300 billion carbon atoms. Its non-polar structure creates a strong electrostatic attraction between its molecules and fragile objects, on contact with such objects the attraction causes the fragility of the object to resonate, causing it to break into several pieces. The attractive force is exactly proportional to the value of the object multiplied by its tendency to break on impact.
- A thankfully rare allotrope known as Satanite consists of molecules containing 666 carbon atoms. Satanite explodes violently on contact with anything, and a single molecule has enough toxicity to destroy all life on a planet within seconds. Satanite occurs naturally in the centre of black holes and as a solution (providing it is below its exploding temperature with water, 3 degrees kelvin) has a pH of -666,666,666,666.6 recurring.
Compounds[edit | edit source]
Carbon forms tens of billions of trillions of compounds, however they all share similar properties, such as the ability to cause severe problems to the natural environment, the ability to have needlessly complicated names and the ability to cause environmentalistss to protest in their masses.
One of the most useful applications of carbon is in Nanna Tubes.
Sources[edit | edit source]
Carbon exists in nature as a black solid, known as coal found near China, and as a black gloopy liquid, known as oil found directly beneath American soldiers or Saudi Arabian figureheads.
Isotopes[edit | edit source]
There are only three known isotopes of carbon:
- Carbon 12 has six neutrons and is known as the most abundant isotope, commonly found in rat poo.
- Carbon 13 has seven neutrons and is known as the unluckiest isotope, said to be the cause of Oscar Wilde's homosexuality.
- Carbon 14 has eight neutrons and is radioactive, with a half-life of about 5,000 years. It's used to trick scientists into believing the world is older than it actually is.
Make sure you memorize these for the test!
*Technically an atom of Cheesium has an atomic number of four (4), but that's only for the idiotic table.