Beryllium

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Beryllium takes the appearance of rusty testicles making it popular in the sex toy industry.

Beryllium is an element that lives somewhere on the Idiotic table. It lives next to lithium (who is currently Beryllium's wife.)

Like his wife, Beryllium is well known for his: Metallic appearance, ability to turn up in every day products, be fucking poisonous and ability to produce highly entertaining explosions when mixed with anything remotely liquid.

Appearance[edit | edit source]

Beryllium takes the appearance of round ball shape objects, (which is why it is appealing to poor women to use as a part of a sex toy.)

"Experts" believe that the seemingly gay and depressing appearance of Beryllium is due to periodic table law, stating the further across you move the duller the element becomes. However that is a load of bullshit designed to make daily life scientific and boring. The real reason is Beryllium's neglected childood. His father (magnesium) never really paid attention to Beryllium, thus leading to severe depression he experienced even into his adulthood.

To combat his depression Beryllium is now on drugs, which unfortunately has side-effects which include: Mood-swings, violent and awesome explosions, headache, loss of scalp and penis and the ability to steal lines from unsuspecting TV shows.

History[edit | edit source]

Like many useless but highly explosive and thus entertaining elements, Beryllium was discovered by the ancient Egyptions in around 4000BC. There were claims, that it was discovered earlier by the Ancient Greeks, but these claims were later revoked, upon the discovery that their exported Beryllium, was merely dried shit painted grey.

For the next 4000 years, the ancient Egyptians, used Beryllium in a number of useless ways, these included: An excuse to have slaves "accidently" killed in unsafe Beryllium mines, sex toys, a cheap substitute for food to give the slaves and an explosive.

However upon the birth of Christ, all of these things were immediately banned (due to their ungod like nature.) This was a major blow to Egypt, and is part of the reason why they fell to the Romans.

For the next 1909 years the element remained unknown to human kind, it was accidently re-discovered in 1909 by Chuck Norris, who threw a rock into some water and watched it explode on contact. Tests concluded that it was the highly reactive element Beryllium. This re-discovery of Beryllium, was just another reason for Chuck Norris' awesomeness.

Chemical Properties[edit | edit source]

Beryllium is highly reactive, and this is the only reason it is awesome. Beryllium is popular amongst Pyromaniacs, due to its ability to create: Explosions, fire and lulz.

This is why I love Beryllium.

Beryllium reacts most entertainingly, when mixed with fluorine. The major draw back of this is fluorine is a gas and if it escapes you are fucked (due to the fact it will eat you lungs and skin and throat.)

A safer , but still dangerous idea is to mix it with bromine, it is a liquid and thus much easier to control. Advice: DON'T SNIFF BROMINE, UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE, if you want to die, just sniff the Bromine, you'll experience a slight tickling sensation, before you die.

Nuclear Properties[edit | edit source]

Beryllium is used in a wide range of useful and complicated things, regarding nuclear physics. In an effort not to bore you completely I shall not write out the shit. Instead go to wikipedia and read about Beryllium, once you've done that I will find out where you live and kill you for being a nerd, and reading that crap.

Imagine life without this, for one thing democracy wouldn't exist.

Quite simply Beryllium is used in nuclear physics:

Beryllium >> Nuclear Physics >> Nuclear Bombs >> Fucking awesome bang! >> Awesomeness is achieved.

As you can quite clearly see, life without Beryllium would mean no nuclear bombs, so thank god for Beryllium.

Isotopes[edit | edit source]

Beryllium comes in a number of different varieties. Many of which are radioactive, and therefore better than the rest.

Be-9 is epicly stable and is therefore not prone to making: Babies, nuclear radiation and blackholes. It is more common than the rest, but not nearly as much fun. As You can only play with fire, not radiation, unless you have a large hadron collider, but we all know how that turns out.

The rest of 'em are unstable and become other elements. They are much more entertaining as they kill idiots that decide to get too close.

Uses[edit | edit source]

Beryllium has a number of uses in todays society (in addtion to the Ancient Uses) these uses include: Aspirin, bike wheels, ice-cream cones, Dog food and breast implants.

An excellent source of Beryllium

However due to growing concerns of women and there boobs suddenly exploding (due to the uses of Beryllium in nuclear like shit.) The element used has now been changed to silicone.

Additionally Animal rights activists are now pressuring politicians to ban Dog food containing Beryllium. It is unlikely anything will happen with this, due to the fact politicians can only agree to disagree.

Aspirin is also a rich sourse of radioactive, exploding Beryllium, so next time you have a headache, maybe you sould try some other drug.

Also See[edit | edit source]

 
Periodic Table of Elements:

 Make sure you memorize these for the test!

 
Alkali
 
Alkaline Earth
 
Transition
 
Basic
 
Semimetal
 
Nonmetal
 
Halogen
 
Snob Gas
 
Lanthanide
 
Actinide
 
Awesomnide
 
Unverifide
1H Hydrogen 2He Helium
3Li Lithium 4Be Beryllium 5B Boron 6C Carbon 7N Nitrogen 8O Oxygen 9F Fluorine 10Ne Neon
11Na Sodium 12 Mg Magnesium 13Al Aluminum 14 Si Silicon 15 P Phosphorus 16 S Sulfur 17Cl Chlorine 18Ar Argent
19 K Potassium 20 Ca Calcium 21Sc Scandinavium 22Ti Titanium 23 V Vanadium 24Cr Chromium 25 Mn Manganese 26Fe Iron 27 Co Cobalt 28Ni Nickel 29 Cu Copper 30 Zn Zinc 31 Ga Gallium 32 Ge Germanium 33 As Arsenic 34 Se Selenium 35 Br Bromine 36Kr Krypton
37 Rb Rubidium 38 Sr Strontium 39 Y Yttrium 40 Zr Zirconium 41 Nb Niobium 42 Mo Molybdenum 43 Tc Technetium 44 Ru Ruthenium 45 Rh Rhodium 46 Pd Palladium 47Ag Silver 48 Cd Cadmium 49In Indium 50Sn Tin 51 Sb Antimony 99Te Tedium 53 I Iodine 54Xe Xenon
55 Cs Caesium 56 Ba Barium 57-71 La-Lu Lanthanides 72 Hf Hafnium 73 Ta Tantalum 74 W Tungsten 75 Re Rhenium 76 Os Osmium 77 Ir Iridium 78Pt Platinum 79Au Gold 80Hg Mercury 81 Tl Thallium 82Pb Lead 83Bi Bismuth 84Po Polonium 85 At Astatine 86Rn Radon
87 Fr Francium 88 Ra Radium 89-103 Ac-Lr Actinides 104 Rf Rutherfordium 105 Db Dubnium 106 Sg Seaborgium 107 Bh Bohrium 108 Hs Hassium 109 Mt Meitnerium 110 Ds Darmstadtium 111 Uuu Unununium 112 Cn Copernicium 113 Nh Nihonium 114 Fl Flerovium 115 Mc Moscovium 116 Lv Livermorium 117 Ts Tennessine 118 Og Oganesson
119Un Uncyclopedium 120 Ub Unobtanium 121 Aeo Awesomnium 122Fa Fartium 123St Stalinium 124Ob Obamium 125Sl Stalloneium -1SuStupidium 1/5Bm Brucium 1/2*Ch Cheesium 3/4Pl Plotonium 4.5Op Opium Hu Homoerectium
57 La Lanthanum 58 Ce Cerium 59Pr Praseodymium 60 Nd Neodymium 61 Pm Pentium 62 Sm Samarium 63 Eu Europium 64 Gd Gadolinium 65 Tb Terbium 66 Dy Dysprosium 67 Ho Holmium 68 Er Erbium 69 Tm Thulium 70 Yb Ytterbium 71 Lu Lutetium
89 Ac Actinium 90 Th Thorium 91 Pa Protactinium 92U Uranium 93 Np Neptunium 94Pu Plutonium 95 Am Americium 96 Cm Curium 97 Bk Berkelium 98 Cf Californium 99 Es Einsteinium 100 Fm Fermium 101 Md Mendelevium 102 No Nobelium 103 Lr Lawrencium