Beryllium
Beryllium is an element that lives somewhere on the Idiotic table. It lives next to lithium (who is currently Beryllium's wife.)
Like his wife, Beryllium is well known for his: Metallic appearance, ability to turn up in every day products, be fucking poisonous and ability to produce highly entertaining explosions when mixed with anything remotely liquid.
Appearance[edit | edit source]
Beryllium takes the appearance of round ball shape objects, (which is why it is appealing to poor women to use as a part of a sex toy.)
"Experts" believe that the seemingly gay and depressing appearance of Beryllium is due to periodic table law, stating the further across you move the duller the element becomes. However that is a load of bullshit designed to make daily life scientific and boring. The real reason is Beryllium's neglected childood. His father (magnesium) never really paid attention to Beryllium, thus leading to severe depression he experienced even into his adulthood.
To combat his depression Beryllium is now on drugs, which unfortunately has side-effects which include: Mood-swings, violent and awesome explosions, headache, loss of scalp and penis and the ability to steal lines from unsuspecting TV shows.
History[edit | edit source]
Like many useless but highly explosive and thus entertaining elements, Beryllium was discovered by the ancient Egyptions in around 4000BC. There were claims, that it was discovered earlier by the Ancient Greeks, but these claims were later revoked, upon the discovery that their exported Beryllium, was merely dried shit painted grey.
For the next 4000 years, the ancient Egyptians, used Beryllium in a number of useless ways, these included: An excuse to have slaves "accidently" killed in unsafe Beryllium mines, sex toys, a cheap substitute for food to give the slaves and an explosive.
However upon the birth of Christ, all of these things were immediately banned (due to their ungod like nature.) This was a major blow to Egypt, and is part of the reason why they fell to the Romans.
For the next 1909 years, the element remained unknown to human kind, it was accidently re-discovered in 1909 by Chuck Norris, who threw a rock into some water and watched it explode on contact. Tests concluded that it was the highly reactive element Beryllium. This re-discovery of Beryllium was just another reason for Chuck Norris' awesomeness.
In the 1980s, the National Hurricane Center named tropical cyclones after Beryllium. As these storms weren't infused with the element, this was worthless until June 2024, when a bunch of clouds were finally infused with Beryllium outside the Caribbean, later becoming the earliest Category 5 hurricane in the Atlantic.
Chemical Properties[edit | edit source]
Beryllium is highly reactive, and this is the only reason it is awesome. Beryllium is popular amongst Pyromaniacs, due to its ability to create: Explosions, fire and lulz.
Beryllium reacts most entertainingly, when mixed with fluorine. The major draw back of this is fluorine is a gas and if it escapes you are fucked (due to the fact it will eat you lungs and skin and throat.)
A safer , but still dangerous idea is to mix it with bromine, it is a liquid and thus much easier to control. Advice: DON'T SNIFF BROMINE, UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE, if you want to die, just sniff the Bromine, you'll experience a slight tickling sensation, before you die.
Nuclear Properties[edit | edit source]
Beryllium is used in a wide range of useful and complicated things, regarding nuclear physics. In an effort not to bore you completely I shall not write out the shit. Instead go to wikipedia and read about Beryllium, once you've done that I will find out where you live and kill you for being a nerd, and reading that crap.
Quite simply Beryllium is used in nuclear physics:
Beryllium >> Nuclear Physics >> Nuclear Bombs >> Fucking awesome bang! >> Awesomeness is achieved.
As you can quite clearly see, life without Beryllium would mean no nuclear bombs, so thank god for Beryllium.
Isotopes[edit | edit source]
Beryllium comes in a number of different varieties. Many of which are radioactive, and therefore better than the rest.
Be-9 is epicly stable and is therefore not prone to making: Babies, nuclear radiation and blackholes. It is more common than the rest, but not nearly as much fun. As You can only play with fire, not radiation, unless you have a large hadron collider, but we all know how that turns out.
The rest of 'em are unstable and become other elements. They are much more entertaining as they kill idiots that decide to get too close.
Uses[edit | edit source]
Beryllium has a number of uses in todays society (in addtion to the Ancient Uses) these uses include: Aspirin, bike wheels, ice-cream cones, Dog food and breast implants.
However due to growing concerns of women and there boobs suddenly exploding (due to the uses of Beryllium in nuclear like shit.) The element used has now been changed to silicone.
Additionally Animal rights activists are now pressuring politicians to ban Dog food containing Beryllium. It is unlikely anything will happen with this, due to the fact politicians can only agree to disagree.
Aspirin is also a rich sourse of radioactive, exploding Beryllium, so next time you have a headache, maybe you sould try some other drug.
Also See[edit | edit source]
Make sure you memorize these for the test!
| 1H Hydrogen | 2He Helium | ||||||||||||||||
| 3Li Lithium | 4Be Beryllium | 5B Boron | 6C Carbon | 7N Nitrogen | 8O Oxygen | 9F Fluorine | 10Ne Neon | ||||||||||
| 11Na Sodium | 12 Mg Magnesium | 13Al Aluminum | 14 Si Silicon | 15 P Phosphorus | 16 S Sulfur | 17Cl Chlorine | 18Ar Argent | ||||||||||
| 19 K Potassium | 20 Ca Calcium | 21Sc Scandinavium | 22Ti Titanium | 23 V Vanadium | 24Cr Chromium | 25 Mn Manganese | 26Fe Iron | 27 Co Cobalt | 28Ni Nickel | 29 Cu Copper | 30 Zn Zinc | 31 Ga Gallium | 32 Ge Germanium | 33 As Arsenic | 34 Se Selenium | 35 Br Bromine | 36Kr Krypton |
| 37 Rb Rubidium | 38 Sr Strontium | 39 Y Yttrium | 40 Zr Zirconium | 41 Nb Niobium | 42 Mo Molybdenum | 43 Tc Technetium | 44 Ru Ruthenium | 45 Rh Rhodium | 46 Pd Palladium | 47Ag Silver | 48 Cd Cadmium | 49In Indium | 50Sn Tin | 51 Sb Antimony | 99Te Tedium | 53 I Iodine | 54Xe Xenon |
| 55 Cs Caesium | 56 Ba Barium | 57-71 La-Lu Lanthanides | 72 Hf Hafnium | 73 Ta Tantalum | 74 W Tungsten | 75 Re Rhenium | 76 Os Osmium | 77 Ir Iridium | 78Pt Platinum | 79Au Gold | 80Hg Mercury | 81 Tl Thallium | 82Pb Lead | 83Bi Bismuth | 84Po Polonium | 85 At Astatine | 86Rn Radon |
| 87 Fr Francium | 88 Ra Radium | 89-103 Ac-Lr Actinides | 104 Rf Rutherfordium | 105 Db Dubnium | 106 Sg Seaborgium | 107 Bh Bohrium | 108 Hs Hassium | 109 Mt Meitnerium | 110 Ds Darmstadtium | 111 Uuu Unununium | 112 Cn Copernicium | 113 Nh Nihonium | 114 Fl Flerovium | 115 Mc Moscovium | 116 Lv Livermorium | 117 Ts Tennessine | 118 Og Oganesson |
| 119Un Uncyclopedium | 120 Ub Unobtanium | 121 Aeo Awesomnium | 122Fa Fartium | 123St Stalinium | 124Ob Obamium | 125Sl Stalloneium | 126 Ad Adamantium | 127 Vb Vibranium | -1SuStupidium | 1/5Bm Brucium | 1/2*Ch Cheesium | 3/4Pl Plotonium | 4.5Op Opium | ∞Hu Homoerectium | |||
| 57 La Lanthanum | 58 Ce Cerium | 59Pr Praseodymium | 60 Nd Neodymium | 61 Pm Pentium | 62 Sm Samarium | 63 Eu Europium | 64 Gd Gadolinium | 65 Tb Terbium | 66 Dy Dysprosium | 67 Ho Holmium | 68 Er Erbium | 69 Tm Thulium | 70 Yb Ytterbium | 71 Lu Lutetium | |||
| 89 Ac Actinium | 90 Th Thorium | 91 Pa Protactinium | 92U Uranium | 93 Np Neptunium | 94Pu Plutonium | 95 Am Americium | 96 Cm Curium | 97 Bk Berkelium | 98 Cf Californium | 99 Es Einsteinium | 100 Fm Fermium | 101 Md Mendelevium | 102 No Nobelium | 103 Lr Lawrencium |
*Technically an atom of Cheesium has an atomic number of four (4), but that's only for the idiotic table.