Pentium
Pentium is a radioactive metal with symbol Pm and atomic weight 586. At room temperature, pentium is a soft cheese-like metal delicious with crackers. It has a melting point of 450 degrees. Pentium does not boil as the density of its gaseous form is greater than that of solid kryptonite.
Scientists in CERN, Switzerland first created a particle of Pentium in a mile long Atomic Mangler costing $4.6bn, before discovering that the Mangler was in fact built in an abandoned Pentium mine and there was tons of the stuff lying about.
In 1995 Intel released a variant of the processor based on the Pentium material that was deemed defective by mathematicians. Intel promptly removed it from the market, but was sure to mention that they didn't think people cared if their processors couldn't count correctly. It should also be noted that their primary reason for recalling the processor wasn't so much the bad math. They stated "it does bad math too quickly" and "fast is not an expectation Intel would like consumers to have about $1,000 silicon wafers the size of postage stamps."
Dangers of Pentium[edit | edit source]
Pentium as a material can warp the fabric of the universe, making numbers unpredictable in some cases, creating pockets of anti-mathematical destabilization (AMD). For this reason, Pentium has sometimes been described as an acronym for Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics. Large deposits of Pentium will cause calculators to malfunction and simple arithmetic hazardous. An abacus with one bead containing 4% pentium alloy was responsible for the collapse of the Hrung dynasty in 7th century China. Pentium mining was banned by World President Stavros P. Hilgemeyer in 1916 following the deaths of over n workers during an out-of-hours poker game. The effects of the pentium had caused all players to believe they held five aces each, the resulting excitement triggering an explosion of Pentium Sulphide deposits in the ladies restroom.
Pentium poisoning can cause short term memory loss. At this point it is traditional to repeat one's self in a cheap joke about memory loss, but, the writer is not suffering from this condition so the 'joke' will not occur.
Additionally, Pentium combines readily with oxygen and hydrogen to produce the highly dangerous psychoactive substance Pentagon, prone to produce violent tendencies and delusions of grandeur. Pentagon poisoning can cause short term memory loss. At this point it is traditional to repeat one's self in a cheap joke about memory loss, but, the writer is not suffering from this condition so the 'joke' will not occur.
Uses of Pentium in Industry[edit | edit source]
Traces of Pentium are used in the computing industry as a Performance Inhibitor. The full power of modern computers is such that any home computer could be used to devise devious devices deviating the future of the world. By welding a great stinking lump of Pentium to every home computer, the Secret Masters can be sure that no-one can use the device to gain Enlightenment. And pentium has also solved the age old problem Generating prime number is a pain in the ass... way to go intel!!!
The future of Pentium[edit | edit source]
Sources also say that a community of people called chutyas use pentium to dope. Some unemployed scientists have now discovered that pentium can also has properties of semiconductors. So we will be witnessing the silly-con out penitium in thing by the turn of this decade. A recent study on pentium has proved that people who are within close vicinity of pentium can develop impotency & can develop signs of severe brain damage.
Retarded Table[edit | edit source]
The retarded table of the elements, although acknowledging Pentium's existance, positions it differently, as element 16, as seen above:
Make sure you memorize these for the test!
| 1H Hydrogen | 2He Helium | ||||||||||||||||
| 3Li Lithium | 4Be Beryllium | 5B Boron | 6C Carbon | 7N Nitrogen | 8O Oxygen | 9F Fluorine | 10Ne Neon | ||||||||||
| 11Na Sodium | 12 Mg Magnesium | 13Al Aluminum | 14 Si Silicon | 15 P Phosphorus | 16 S Sulfur | 17Cl Chlorine | 18Ar Argent | ||||||||||
| 19 K Potassium | 20 Ca Calcium | 21Sc Scandinavium | 22Ti Titanium | 23 V Vanadium | 24Cr Chromium | 25 Mn Manganese | 26Fe Iron | 27 Co Cobalt | 28Ni Nickel | 29 Cu Copper | 30 Zn Zinc | 31 Ga Gallium | 32 Ge Germanium | 33 As Arsenic | 34 Se Selenium | 35 Br Bromine | 36Kr Krypton |
| 37 Rb Rubidium | 38 Sr Strontium | 39 Y Yttrium | 40 Zr Zirconium | 41 Nb Niobium | 42 Mo Molybdenum | 43 Tc Technetium | 44 Ru Ruthenium | 45 Rh Rhodium | 46 Pd Palladium | 47Ag Silver | 48 Cd Cadmium | 49In Indium | 50Sn Tin | 51 Sb Antimony | 99Te Tedium | 53 I Iodine | 54Xe Xenon |
| 55 Cs Caesium | 56 Ba Barium | 57-71 La-Lu Lanthanides | 72 Hf Hafnium | 73 Ta Tantalum | 74 W Tungsten | 75 Re Rhenium | 76 Os Osmium | 77 Ir Iridium | 78Pt Platinum | 79Au Gold | 80Hg Mercury | 81 Tl Thallium | 82Pb Lead | 83Bi Bismuth | 84Po Polonium | 85 At Astatine | 86Rn Radon |
| 87 Fr Francium | 88 Ra Radium | 89-103 Ac-Lr Actinides | 104 Rf Rutherfordium | 105 Db Dubnium | 106 Sg Seaborgium | 107 Bh Bohrium | 108 Hs Hassium | 109 Mt Meitnerium | 110 Ds Darmstadtium | 111 Uuu Unununium | 112 Cn Copernicium | 113 Nh Nihonium | 114 Fl Flerovium | 115 Mc Moscovium | 116 Lv Livermorium | 117 Ts Tennessine | 118 Og Oganesson |
| 119Un Uncyclopedium | 120 Ub Unobtanium | 121 Aeo Awesomnium | 122Fa Fartium | 123St Stalinium | 124Ob Obamium | 125Sl Stalloneium | 126 Ad Adamantium | 127 Vb Vibranium | -1SuStupidium | 1/5Bm Brucium | 1/2*Ch Cheesium | 3/4Pl Plotonium | 4.5Op Opium | ∞Hu Homoerectium | |||
| 57 La Lanthanum | 58 Ce Cerium | 59Pr Praseodymium | 60 Nd Neodymium | 61 Pm Pentium | 62 Sm Samarium | 63 Eu Europium | 64 Gd Gadolinium | 65 Tb Terbium | 66 Dy Dysprosium | 67 Ho Holmium | 68 Er Erbium | 69 Tm Thulium | 70 Yb Ytterbium | 71 Lu Lutetium | |||
| 89 Ac Actinium | 90 Th Thorium | 91 Pa Protactinium | 92U Uranium | 93 Np Neptunium | 94Pu Plutonium | 95 Am Americium | 96 Cm Curium | 97 Bk Berkelium | 98 Cf Californium | 99 Es Einsteinium | 100 Fm Fermium | 101 Md Mendelevium | 102 No Nobelium | 103 Lr Lawrencium |
*Technically an atom of Cheesium has an atomic number of four (4), but that's only for the idiotic table.