Pentium

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A neutron-induced nuclear fission event involving pentium-235

Pentium is a radioactive metal with symbol Pm and atomic weight 586. At room temperature, pentium is a soft cheese-like metal delicious with crackers. It has a melting point of 450 degrees. Pentium does not boil as the density of its gaseous form is greater than that of solid kryptonite.

Scientists in CERN, Switzerland first created a particle of Pentium in a mile long Atomic Mangler costing $4.6bn, before discovering that the Mangler was in fact built in an abandoned Pentium mine and there was tons of the stuff lying about.

In 1995 Intel released a variant of the processor based on the Pentium material that was deemed defective by mathematicians. Intel promptly removed it from the market, but was sure to mention that they didn't think people cared if their processors couldn't count correctly. It should also be noted that their primary reason for recalling the processor wasn't so much the bad math. They stated "it does bad math too quickly" and "fast is not an expectation Intel would like consumers to have about $1,000 silicon wafers the size of postage stamps."

Dangers of Pentium[edit | edit source]

Pentium as a material can warp the fabric of the universe, making numbers unpredictable in some cases, creating pockets of anti-mathematical destabilization (AMD). For this reason, Pentium has sometimes been described as an acronym for Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics. Large deposits of Pentium will cause calculators to malfunction and simple arithmetic hazardous. An abacus with one bead containing 4% pentium alloy was responsible for the collapse of the Hrung dynasty in 7th century China. Pentium mining was banned by World President Stavros P. Hilgemeyer in 1916 following the deaths of over n workers during an out-of-hours poker game. The effects of the pentium had caused all players to believe they held five aces each, the resulting excitement triggering an explosion of Pentium Sulphide deposits in the ladies restroom.

Pentium poisoning can cause short term memory loss. At this point it is traditional to repeat one's self in a cheap joke about memory loss, but, the writer is not suffering from this condition so the 'joke' will not occur.

Additionally, Pentium combines readily with oxygen and hydrogen to produce the highly dangerous psychoactive substance Pentagon, prone to produce violent tendencies and delusions of grandeur. Pentagon poisoning can cause short term memory loss. At this point it is traditional to repeat one's self in a cheap joke about memory loss, but, the writer is not suffering from this condition so the 'joke' will not occur.

Uses of Pentium in Industry[edit | edit source]

Traces of Pentium are used in the computing industry as a Performance Inhibitor. The full power of modern computers is such that any home computer could be used to devise devious devices deviating the future of the world. By welding a great stinking lump of Pentium to every home computer, the Secret Masters can be sure that no-one can use the device to gain Enlightenment. And pentium has also solved the age old problem Generating prime number is a pain in the ass... way to go intel!!!

The future of Pentium[edit | edit source]

Sources also say that a community of people called chutyas use pentium to dope. Some unemployed scientists have now discovered that pentium can also has properties of semiconductors. So we will be witnessing the silly-con out penitium in thing by the turn of this decade. A recent study on pentium has proved that people who are within close vicinity of pentium can develop impotency & can develop signs of severe brain damage.

Retarded Table[edit | edit source]

The retarded table of the elements, although acknowledging Pentium's existance, positions it differently, as element 16, as seen above:

Tardtable.jpg

 
Periodic Table of Elements:

 Make sure you memorize these for the test!

 
Alkali
 
Alkaline Earth
 
Transition
 
Basic
 
Semimetal
 
Nonmetal
 
Halogen
 
Snob Gas
 
Lanthanide
 
Actinide
 
Awesomnide
 
Unverifide
1H Hydrogen 2He Helium
3Li Lithium 4Be Beryllium 5B Boron 6C Carbon 7N Nitrogen 8O Oxygen 9F Fluorine 10Ne Neon
11Na Sodium 12 Mg Magnesium 13Al Aluminum 14 Si Silicon 15 P Phosphorus 16 S Sulfur 17Cl Chlorine 18Ar Argent
19 K Potassium 20 Ca Calcium 21Sc Scandinavium 22Ti Titanium 23 V Vanadium 24Cr Chromium 25 Mn Manganese 26Fe Iron 27 Co Cobalt 28Ni Nickel 29 Cu Copper 30 Zn Zinc 31 Ga Gallium 32 Ge Germanium 33 As Arsenic 34 Se Selenium 35 Br Bromine 36Kr Krypton
37 Rb Rubidium 38 Sr Strontium 39 Y Yttrium 40 Zr Zirconium 41 Nb Niobium 42 Mo Molybdenum 43 Tc Technetium 44 Ru Ruthenium 45 Rh Rhodium 46 Pd Palladium 47Ag Silver 48 Cd Cadmium 49In Indium 50Sn Tin 51 Sb Antimony 99Te Tedium 53 I Iodine 54Xe Xenon
55 Cs Caesium 56 Ba Barium 57-71 La-Lu Lanthanides 72 Hf Hafnium 73 Ta Tantalum 74 W Tungsten 75 Re Rhenium 76 Os Osmium 77 Ir Iridium 78Pt Platinum 79Au Gold 80Hg Mercury 81 Tl Thallium 82Pb Lead 83Bi Bismuth 84Po Polonium 85 At Astatine 86Rn Radon
87 Fr Francium 88 Ra Radium 89-103 Ac-Lr Actinides 104 Rf Rutherfordium 105 Db Dubnium 106 Sg Seaborgium 107 Bh Bohrium 108 Hs Hassium 109 Mt Meitnerium 110 Ds Darmstadtium 111 Uuu Unununium 112 Cn Copernicium 113 Nh Nihonium 114 Fl Flerovium 115 Mc Moscovium 116 Lv Livermorium 117 Ts Tennessine 118 Og Oganesson
119Un Uncyclopedium 120 Ub Unobtanium 121 Aeo Awesomnium 122Fa Fartium 123St Stalinium 124Ob Obamium 125Sl Stalloneium -1SuStupidium 1/5Bm Brucium 1/2*Ch Cheesium 3/4Pl Plotonium 4.5Op Opium Hu Homoerectium
57 La Lanthanum 58 Ce Cerium 59Pr Praseodymium 60 Nd Neodymium 61 Pm Pentium 62 Sm Samarium 63 Eu Europium 64 Gd Gadolinium 65 Tb Terbium 66 Dy Dysprosium 67 Ho Holmium 68 Er Erbium 69 Tm Thulium 70 Yb Ytterbium 71 Lu Lutetium
89 Ac Actinium 90 Th Thorium 91 Pa Protactinium 92U Uranium 93 Np Neptunium 94Pu Plutonium 95 Am Americium 96 Cm Curium 97 Bk Berkelium 98 Cf Californium 99 Es Einsteinium 100 Fm Fermium 101 Md Mendelevium 102 No Nobelium 103 Lr Lawrencium