Halogens

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Anterior solar luminosity with faint halo

Halogens is the name given to elements which inhabit group 7 of the periodic table – a block far enough away to avoid the smell of chavvy Earth Metals but not as exclusive as the home of those fucking snobs, the Noble Gases. Halogens are known for the violence of their reactions and scarcely a day goes by without one being picked up by the cops as the need to fund their crippling electron habit can only be met by petty extortion and mugging.

Halogens are coloured and really seem to have a chip on their shoulder about it. Their extreme volatility disguises a deeper self-loathing and all too often they dive in to relationships with unsuitable elements from the wrong side of the transition block in the desperate need to form a white precipitate. Such hastily arranged partnerships rarely satisfy for long, however, as Halogens are generally poisonous to those they love. Extremely electronegative attitudes and rampant egotism has lead to the suggestion that they can only truly share with themselves. According to Sigmund Freud, this is because they were only-children with a mother fetish and an unhealthy interest in their own excrement. Jung, however, suggested that it is because “They’re just like that, you know. Some people are just not good folks.”

The name Halogen is thought to derive from the Ancient Maori word “Halitosis” meaning dog-breath and refers to their overpowering odour which compares badly to that of unwashed Vietnamese peasants in a crowded, overheated sweatshop full of half-rotted vomit. Halogens themselves prefer to believe that the name refers to the faint Halos which they claim is visible when the sun shines out of their arse.

Fluorine[edit]

Fluorine is the smallest halogen and boy can you tell. With an extreme case of “little-man” syndrome Fluorine is the most violent and aggressive of all halogens, relentlessly attacking anyone within reach before finally humping the battered, lifeless corpse. It is claimed Fluorine's body odour alone can floor a Brontosaur from 20 yards but, interestingly, it is not at all clear that Fluorine has a smell since, one sniff and you're dead, diced and half-way to being Fois-gras before you can say “Take a bath! What do you think you are, French?”

Fluorine's neediness is such that when he does successfully form an attachment the result is as inert as an American eighth grader in a PE lesson. Despite incessant suggestions that fluorine is responsible for the deaths of millions of bacteria the police have yet to make anything stick - giving rise to Fluorine's soubriquet “The Teflon Turd”.

Chlorine[edit]

Less violent than Fluorine, it has been suggested that Chlorine is yellow - a slur he denies. Chlorine has had a bad press over the years and admits to naivety over his involvement in the First World War (see also Third Martian War).

You wouldn't like him when he's angry or under any other circumstances


Chlorine was first discovered by the Swede, Carl William Scheele in 1774 when he “was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar”. Impressed by his looks, Scheele tried to launch Chlorine on the road to stardom under the stage name “dephlogisticated muriatic acid air” – a name which played poorly in English speaking nations but was more sympathetically received in Scandinavian countries, where it was translated as Jurgen.

Chlorine on stage (Gay-Lussac top left)

Bowed by his failure as a male-model, Chlorine retired for a while until, in 1809, Joseph Louis Gay-Lussac tried to relaunch him as a singer. This attempt also failed as Gay-Lussac was overcome with lust and refused to allow Chlorine to appear on stage in more than a leather micro-thong and baby oil. Eventually, it is thought that Chlorine killed and ate Gay-Lussac at his own request.

Next year (1810) Sir Humphry Davy tried again, this time renaming the wannabe star “Chlorine” after the Sanskrit word “Chlorine” which itself is thought to derive from a more ancient proto-Indo-European word “Chlorine”, meaning Chlorine.

Chlorine famously “swings both ways” with a highly variable oxidation state and an appetite for unusual sex in public places (see “Scandal as Chlorine screws Corgi at Windsor”). In 2007, Chlorine married his long-term partner George Michael in a ceremony jointly-presided over by the Dalai Lama and his Holiness Sir Elton John, and attended by over 600 million specially invited guests. Chlorine is alleged to have sold the exclusive rights to the ceremony to Angling Times for £14.95.

Bromine[edit]

One of Bromine's few commercially successful photographs, minus semen stain

It's thought that compulsive petrol sniffing is responsible for Bromine stinking at everything. Bright orange hair and general ineptitude have led to his being nicknamed the “Fire Retard” but accusations of paedophilia have been robustly denied. Bromine insists he's “Just interested in photography”. Though other quotes such as “There is no finer sight in God’s creation than a pair of twelve year old buttocks.”, and “I like boys” seem to give the lie to this and would explain why he spends so much time hanging around swimming pools.

In 1965, Bromine was jailed for public indecency and sentenced to 25 years. The sentence was reduced to 18 months when he was found to be enjoying himself in close confinement with hundreds of other men.

Iodine[edit]

Goitre -wear one with pride

In the United States, the Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) regards iodine as public enemy number one due to his involvement in the clandestine manufacture of methamphetamine. Posters of Iodine are seen in all US police stations and it is thought that he has dramatically changed his appearance, putting on a lot of weight and sporting a cheerful goitre.

Astatine[edit]

Police artist's impression of Astatine - who doesn't exist

Let's get this right, Astatine doesn't exist, okay. So there's no way he could have done it.

But if he did exist, he'd be a black hearted son of a bitch who'd as soon gouge your eyes out and crap in the bleeding wound as look at you. It's just that he doesn't, right. So you didn't see him, he didn't do it. You did it and you'd better take the fall for him or you'll find yourself on your knees begging for some fucker to put you out of your misery before Astatine finishes unscrewing your cock and shoving it where the sun doesn't shine. Hypothetically, of course, because Astatine doesn't exist, so just leave it, right. Don't say you weren't warned!

1H Hydrogen Hu Homoerectium 1/5Bm Brucium 1/2Ch Cheesium 3/4Pl Plotonium D Deuterium 1.5Py Parodymium 2He Helium
3Li Lithium 4Be Beryllium 5B Boron 6C Carbon 7N Nitrogen 8O Oxygen 9 F Fluorine 10Ne Neon
11Na Sodium 12 Mg Magnesium 13Al Aluminum 14 Si Silicon 15 P Phosphorus 16 S Sulfur 17Cl Chlorine 18 Ar Argon
19 K Potassium 20 Ca Calcium 21 Sc Scandium 22Ti Titanium 23 V Vanadium 24 Cr Chromium 25 Mn Manganese 26Fe Iron 27 Co Cobalt 28Ni Nickel 29Cu Copper 30Zn Zinc 31 Ga Galium 32Ge Germanium 33As Arsenic 34 Se Selenium 35Br Bromine 36Kr Krypton
37 Rb Rubidium 38 Sr Strontium 39 Y Yttrium 40 Zr Zirconium 41 Nb Niobium 42 Mo Molybdenum 43 Tc Technetium 44 Ru Ruthenium 45 Rh Rhodium 46 Pd Palladium 47Ag Silver 48 Cd Cadmium 49In Indium 50Sn Tin 51 Sb Antimony 52 Te Tellurium 53 I Iodine 54Xe Xenon
55 Cs Cesium 56 Ba Barium 57 La Lanthanium 72 Hf Hafnium 73 Ta Tantalum 74 W Tungsten 75 Re Rthenium 76 Os Osmium 77 Ir Iridium 78Pt Platinum 79Au Gold 80Hg Mercury 81 Tl Thallium 82Pb Lead 83Bi Bismuth 84Po Polonium 85 At Astatine 86Rn Radon
87 Fr Francium 88Ra Radium 89 Ac Actinium 104Rf Rutherfordium 105 Db Dubnium 106 Sg Seaborgium 107 Bh Bohrium 108 Hs Hassium 109 Mt Meitnerium 110 Ds Darmstadtium 111Rg Roentgenium 112 Cn Copernicum 113 Nh Nihomium 114 Fl Flerovium 115 Mc Moscovium 116 Lv Livermorium 117 Ts Tennessine 118 Og Oganesson
58 Ce Cerium 59Pr Praseodymium 60 Nd Neodymium 61 Pm Promethium 61 Sm Samarium 63 Eu Europium 64 Gd Gadolinium 65 Tb Terbium 66 Dy Dysprosium 67 Ho Holmium 68 Er Erbium 69 Tm Thulium 70 Yb Ytterbium 71 Lu Lutetium 119Ub Unobtanium 120Un Unununium
90 Th Thorium 91 Pa Protactinium 92U Uranium 93 Np Neptunium 94Pu Plutonium 95Am Americium 96 Cm Curium 97 Bk Berkelium 98 Cf Californium 99Es Einsteinium 100 Fm Fermium 101 Md Mendelevium 102 No Nobelium 103 Lr Lawrencium 121Aw Awesomnium 122Ky Kryptonite
 
Alkali Metal
 
Alkaline Earth
 
Transition Metal
 
Basic Metal
 
Semimetal
 
Nonmetal
 
Halogen
 
Noble Gas
 
Lanthanide
 
Unverifide
 
Actinide
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