Department of Government Efficiency
 | This article (or at least part of it) was very likely written by AI. You should probably rewrite the whole article. If that's not possible, at least make it less obvious that it was written by an AI. If not fixed in 30-ish days or so, it could possibly become a candidate for deletion. |
The US Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) is a bureaucratic marvel dedicated to streamlining redundancy, optimizing inefficiency, and perfecting the art of doing nothing with style. Founded in 2025 as a bold experiment in contradictions, DOGE has successfully achieved its mission of wasting taxpayer dollars on pointless initiatives, unnecessary meetings, and flashy PowerPoint presentations. Today, the DOGE stands as a monument to the sublime art of doing absolutely fucking nothing.
Led by Supreme Leader Elon Musk, Elon Musk's as of yet unnamed comedy website project, and Vivek "Skinny kid with a funny last name" Ramaswamy, the agency is committed to protecting Dogeism at all costs from the evil clutches of bureaucratic blue-haired liberals.
An average day for a DOGE employee[edit | edit source]
Typical Morning[edit | edit source]
A typical day at the US Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) begins with the ceremonial pressing of the "Staples Button" on the office phone, which triggers a 30-minute automated message explaining the importance of proper stapler alignment. Despite its function, it was named because employees consider it "like filing staples into one's ear." Employees then attend Mandatory Meeting #1: "Update on Meeting Attendance" to discuss the previous day's meeting about planning new meetings and schedule new ones.
Mid-Morning Productivity[edit | edit source]
Following a 30-minute coffee break, during which employees are encouraged to contemplate the meaninglessness of existence and prohibited from contemplating anything else, they return to their desks to tackle critical tasks:
- Coloring pictures of classified documents and writing Trump's twitter password in it
- Conducting rigorous analyses of the optimal paperclip-to-paper ratio
- Participating in heated debates on the Oxford comma
Lunch Break[edit | edit source]
The highlight of the day: a 90-minute lunch break! DOGE employees gather in the cafeteria for spirited discussions on the finer points of bureaucratic jargon and interdepartmental turf wars.
Afternoon Accomplishments[edit | edit source]
Post-lunch, employees return to their stations to:
- Draft reports on reports
- Bang Vivek's kids
- Take a 3 PM nap, carefully scheduled to avoid conflicting with a mandatory meeting on "Innovative Uses for Post-It Notes"
End-of-Day Rituals[edit | edit source]
As the day winds down, DOGE workers engage in the sacred ritual of "Saving Unsaved Documents," frantically fucking the "Save" on untouched files to ensure their digital legacy.
Ongoing projects[edit | edit source]
Operation Paperclip 2.0[edit | edit source]
The DOGE has embarked on a daring new venture, "Operation Paperclip 2.0." This ambitious project seeks to recruit a select group of Mia Khalifa's hottest bang bangers and fuck fuckers to work on making papers much sexier for Julian Assange and Chelsea Manning to scroll through (and turn into condoms for their own personal use). There might be a few genocidal maniacs there, but who cares about those guys?
While some critics have raised concerns about the ethical implications of employing genocidal maniacs, the DOGE personally told us that these concerns were just pure "nitpicking". After all, what's a little genocide compared to the pressing issue of inefficient paperwork?
Hard Intoxication Shipping + Sending (HISS)[edit | edit source]
The HISS Initiative, which stands for Hard Intoxication Shipping + Sending involves the production, creation, distribution, resale and racketeering of Crapamigos tequila to every level of the government, preferably for cold-hard cash from all the drunk government employees, but anything to make government even more inefficient and intoxicate its employees.
By impairing cognitive functions, officials can make rash, uninformed decisions at unprecedented speeds. Drunk staffers are more likely to "yes" men and foster a culture of unproductive consensus. Slurred speech and poor motor skills ensure paperwork is completed with admirable inefficiency. Mandatory daily happy hours encourage job satisfaction, and a much more distracted government workforce. The HISS Initiative also has sponsored Crapamigos-infused water coolers, free bottles at Marquee New York nightclub, and incentives for employees who can't recall their job titles.
Leadership[edit | edit source]
_(cropped).jpg)