UnNews:New Pope Alert!
Thursday, May 8, 2025
VATICAN CITY — White smoke from the Sistine Chapel chimney signaled the coming of a new Pope, elected in a Conclave after the previous guy, Pope Francis, died from second-hand brown lung after meeting Vice-President JD Vance. Vance is already preparing another visit, just in case the new guy is a little too friendly to the "wokies", White House sources say.
Faithful onlookers eagerly awaited the announcement of Cardinal Dominique Mamberti, who said that ancient Latin phrase: Annuntio vobis gaudium magnum: Habemus Papam (or, "I'm pleased to announce, we have potatoes [accusative]"), from the balcony of St. Peter's Basilica.
Robert Francis Prevost, a native Chicagoan, was chosen to be the new Holy Papa, and has chosen the rather uninspiring Papal name, Leo XIV. He is the first 'Murican Pope. Italian cardinals are now mourning the what will likely be a sudden and precipitous drop in the quality of pizzas in the Vatican. Pope Bob Leo ascends to the papacy at the young age of 69 human years. Nice.
He had previously served as a Bishop in a Diocese in Peru, where he was criticized for allegedly ignoring sexual abuse claims. The last bishop to not ignore sexual abuse claims was Polycarp, Bishop of Smyrna, sometime in the 1st Century AD. As a member of the Order of Saint Augustine, Leo XIV was required to rob a liquor store and screw a prostitute, like the titular saint before him.
In his pronouncement speech, Leo XIV called on all the faithful to reconsider their opinion of Chicago Pizza, stressing that the "Cheese is under the sauce", and that it is absolutely a pizza and not a lasagna, as the "haters" claim.
Trump is reportedly "cautiously optimistic" about the new Pope, since many of his supporters come from Chicago, although he is reportedly disappointed that the new Pope wasn't a Presbyterian or a Baptist. Leo XIV, as an American citizen, will still have to pay taxes to the IRS, as with all Americans abroad. The rest of the world are now bracing for the impact of a Pope who is a fan of Da Bears.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- McFall, Caitlin (8 May 2025). "White smoke over Sistine Chapel as new pope chosen". Fox News. Fox.
- Winfield, Nicole (8 May 2025). "JUST IN: Robert Prevost is elected the first American pope in history". AP News.