Chicago White Sox

“We have another baseball team?”

– Average Chicagoan on Chicago White Sox

“They wear black socks. So why do we call them the White Sox?”

– Most people on the White Sox

“That's racist!”

– Al Sharpton on the White Sox

“The Sox are just one of those great sports organizations, they have a keen sense of the obvious”

– John Madden on White Sox

It is believed that they really have found their Inner Sock Puppet.

“I Brive the Dus Mang!”

– BB on White Sox

The Chicago White Sox are a baseball team from Illinois. Founded by Charlie "the Old Bastard" Comiskey, to spite James Hart, the owner of Da Cubs, the White sox are simply referred to as That Other Chicago Team, Those Fucking Others, or The Chicago Team That Has Won The World Series In The Last 100 Years .

Early beginnings that started off the start of the beginning of the history of the Sox

The Chicago White Sox were invented in 1901 by Lucy Firr, a clothing saleswoman who was looking to make a quick buck. When the American League officials approached her to see if she could spare some men, she originally protested by proclaiming, "How am i s'posed to make make mulah sellin my beavah when i gots no customers?!". The AL officials decided to pay her the handsome sum of a $15 bill, (a green piece of colored paper that said 15 on it) that she easily accepted and could be heard muttering "idiots" even on her death bed. The Sux eventually won a few championships, most recently in 1917, but their hitting was terrible, despite the construction of a stadium that would house them for 80 years, which they destroyed because they have no sense of tradition (unlike the Chicago Cubs)[[<-Click there]]. They built a new place but rarely fill it (like the Tampa Bay Rays and Florida Marlins). In 1919, someone dyed their sox black and they became evil and decided to throw the world series, which has forever changed the way that baseball has been played. The world was shocked, even aliens were shocked, and there were riots in the streets. The city of Chicago wept that night and forever became Cubs fans. The members of the team and their mothers were rightfully banned from baseball, but they weren't great players to begin with, so it wasn't such a terrible loss.

Birth

After numerous illiterate pink collar workers began to complain about the narcissistic attitude of numerous Cubs fans, Charlie Comical decided to found his own restaurant called “Blue Sox”, a tribute to all the blue collar workers. Charlie, a former gigolo, knew nothing about managing a restaurant, leading to numerous customers gunning down his waiters.

Consumed by the failure of his restaurant, Comiskey converted his establishment into a gigantic, open-air, strip club. However, Comiskey forgot one thing; to hire strippers. After a pack of ravenous feminists began to protest, Comiskey dropped the idea of a strip club and created a hockey franchise, known as the Chicago White Hawks, since all the players of the team were white. Because most South Siders could not spell properly, the Hawks was converted to Haux.

Da White Haux

Da Haux made a major impact on the NHL during their first season, Winning the 1901 Ball Brawl Championship. Although the team couldn’t play hockey, let alone ice skate, they managed to earn the image as lovable losers – which they stole fromDa Cubs via the use of a time traveling device.

Despite their success, the Old Bastard Comiskey traded the franchise to John McCain, for six slaves. McCain changed the name of the team to “The Black Hawks”, and filled its roster with captured Pole dancers. While the move lead to Comiskey’s crucifixion, Mr. Roboto saved him. With the help of six slaves, two sons, and Mr. Roboto, Comiskey formed his own Baseball Team.

The White Sox

Using the previous business techniques he had used with the White Haux, Comiskey called his new team, the “White Sox” – eponymous to the White Socks that grew in Chicago. Known as the “hitless wonders”, the White Sox were best recognized for their lack of baseball equipment, forcing them to use the corpses of dead liberals from the Chicagoland area as baseball bats.

The Sox eventually made it to the World Series in '06, where they confronted the Chicago Cubs. After a stalemate series of 3-3, Mike Ditka, the supreme being of that is righteous, wrong, and badass, appeared to the Cubs and Sox, and commanded they play the final game of the series on Mount Chicago (Now Known as Da Sears Tower). After both sides suffered a myriad of casualties, The Sox won the cross-town throw down by a final score of 55589 – 55588.

After the Sox won the epic title, some stuff happened. While the stuff was rather unimportant, it included signing Adolf Hitler during the ’38 – ’39 Season. Hitler, a prized pitcher in Germany, came to America in hopes in winning a Championship for the Master Race aka the Chicago Sanitation Department (Because we all know Garbage-Men pwn all) . That crazy mother-fuher played his first game on April 29th, 1398, against the Soviet Reds. In the first inning alone, Hitler let up 69 Home Runs. Comiskey then put in Mr. Roboto, his best pitcher, who managed to somehow win the game for the Sox. As the Sox began to dance to the Mr. Roboto theme song, the Stadium began to cave in (leading to the slanting incline of the upper decks), giving birth to Disco Demolition Night.

Black Sox Scandal

Hitler was a die hard Sox fan. In fact, for a brief period of time, he was a pitcher for the Sox in '39. However, after giving up 15 runs in one inning, he was cut

After the Sox managed to defeat the New York Yankees in the SuperBowl XXWROFLOLOL, they predicted to the World Series. While they were heavily favored to win, they ended up throwing the series in favor of a cash bribe. Foolishly, the Sox accepted it, leading to much banning – most of which was IP.

With their name stained, the Sox slowly dropped into the Shadows of Chicago. Comiskey was found impaled on a weathervane three days later. The team was soon converted into a group of go-go dancers, who preformed many gigs during the Disco era. Seeing as the act was a sin against nature, NAFTA put an end to it by converting the team into a baseball team.

Later on....

The team never recovered from the scandal that rocked the world bigger than any earthquake or tornado or even the world war combined. They had multiple last place finishes and their only claim to fame was that they toured Europe with the New York Giants. But the Europeans hate baseball and love soccer. They didn't understand the game and the two teams struggled financially.

In 1936 they finally end their 10 year losing streak. BUT they still finish in third place in the division and don't make the playoffs

By 1940, nobody has official track of who even owns the team and they are thrown into a depression and end up taking the case to court, and reward it to a woman. A woman! Women don't even play baseball, they play SOFTball.

In 1948 they hit rock bottom and have a record of 51-101, and their losing ways continue until the 90's. They feature many random stunts such as red uniforms, pinstripes, a bonfire on the field in between a double header, the first ever night game and the first All-Star game (their only claims to fame during those days). Disco demolition night included the second game of a double header being cancelled due to the field condition looking worse than your shits, and the team is still named after a freakin sock.

Epic Return

For reasons unknown, L. Ron Hubbard and his funky Church O’ Magic bought the New York Yankess. However, it remains an even bigger mystery to why this was even added to this article.

Futility

The next forty years were a true case study in mediocrity for the team. Countless finishes in the AL's second division convinced the Sox faithful that their misfortune was caused by an incident between a local merchant and a ticket taker during the 1945 season when the ticket taker would not let the fan's goat into the ballpark. (Yet another idea stolen by those blasted Time Traveling Ass-hats)

While the Sox managed a few winning seasons here and there, they were no match for the Soviet Reds, who managed to win the WS twenty times in a row. In 1968, the Reds were deported back to Mother Russia. While flying, the plane was shot down by a group of radical Green Bay Packers fans.

With the absence of the Reds, the Sox were able to conjure a sublime 9999-0 record in 1985, better known as the Year of Chicago. The Sox, Cubs, Bears, and Bulls managed to win championship titles in their leagues; leading the UN to take action. A bill created by Ronald Reagen decreed that Chicago may only have one winning team. Because of some bullshit-liberal-space-time theory, all these events were erased from history, with the exception of Da 85 Bears.

During the late 80's, the Franchise was going to hell. Having suffered a plethora of losing seasons, the two Sox fans in America grew furious. As a result, the entire Sox franchise was nearly sold to Sarasota, Florida. However, Big Gov. Jim Thompson, being the bastard he is, decided to intervene. As a result, several armed Cubs fans took the street and fire bombed any store that sold White Socks, thus creating the Second Great Chicago Fire.

Victory?

NOTE: Some people claim that the White Sox actually won the world series in 2005, but, as with many other historical claims, that's a load of bullshit. They never even made it to the AL Pennant. An exact clone of the entire team won, and no one knows the difference. The one real person on thatt team was manger Ozzie Guillen, proven by his display of insane rage. The real team may or may not return for the 2006 season, but there is no way of telling. Plus, in 1906, the Sox beat the Other Team in the World Series (which you would know if you had read this article), and the Other Team clamors for a repeat. Those fucking Others...

End

In the Year 2015, the White Sox Franchise was wiped out when a nuclear bomb hit Comiskey field. While a majority of the Chicagoland area was left unfazed, the blast succeeded in deleting all memories of the Sox. To replace the team, Mayor Richard Daley created a new franchise called, The Chicago Super Mario Bros. Spearheaded by Mario and Luigi the team managed to win 8 consecutive WS titles.

Present day

In 1990, the Sox built a new stadium in a great new location: the parking lot of the old stadium. Their logic: "Well, we figured since our attendance is terrible, we might as well eliminate those spots because nobody is filling them anyways," said the stadium planner. The team sold out the name of the field too, not living up to grinder rule (explained later) number 88...Make history, history.

In 2000 the Sox and Atlanta Braves battled for the best record in the majors for most of the season, and they ended up tied at 95-67. They were then swept in the first round by the Seattle Mariners. Way to go.

The Sox finally won the World Series in 2005 against the shitty Houston Astro's.

The Sox lived up to their name in 2006, not even making it to the playoffs despite having the best record at the all star break, and following the tradition that the Sox are a first half team.

They made the playoffs in 2008, actually winning a game, which was one more than the Boystown Cubs could fare.

Mark Buehrle pitched a perfect game on July 23, 2009. However, it was against the Rays, so it doesn't count. Conan O'Brien tells me that Buehrle got a five minute phone call from President Obama, while losing pitcher Scott Kazmir got a two-hour phone call from Joe Biden.

Among other catastrophes the White Sox have been blamed for such things as the Great Deprssion, Cancer, 9/11 and Sarah Palin. It is not known how or why the White Sox caused all these horrific occurrences but probably their horrible play and wretched old school jerseys (Shorts in Baseball? That's just gay) had something to do with it over the last seventy-five years excluding 2005 in which major league baseball was forced to allow the White Sox to win the World Series under the Homosexual Rights Act Congress put into effect that year. (Which may or may not be constitutional, probably not). Since 2009 they have constantly have had their asses handed to them by the Minnesota Twins. On a side note, the White Sox are also known to attract idiot/racist beat writers like Joe Cowley and dumbass broadcasters like Hawk Harrelson. Seemingly coming from out of the sewers to talk about their favorite shitty ass team.

2010: Did a nice job leading the AL Central at the All-Star Game but, once again, fell to the Minnesota T___s.

2011-2019: Just boring, they sent two of their stars to win the World Series with other teams in 2017.

2020-2022: Lucas Giolito got a no-hitter, but it was against the Pirates, so yet again, doesn't count, they made the wild card only because the season was shortened but fell to the A's, for 2021 they brought in a sleepy old man named Tony LaRussa, No-hit the Cleveland Spiders, Played in some corn, won the AL Central, then immediately fell to the Astros, going forward to 2022, they fought the Cleveland Spiders and Minnesota T___s, but decided to collapse in September, Sleepy old man Tony LaRussa was fired aswell.

2023: Oops! Back to shit! Go to Anaheim, Giolito as they are going all-in for some reason!

The August Purge of 2023

Jerry Reinsdoorhandle, believed to be a Stalin aid from the past, purged executive vice president Ken Williams and GM Rick Hahn, because he wanted to! Then Reinsdoorhandle brought back the sleepiest man in Chicago, Tony La Russa as a consultant.

2024 - The Shit Sox

Once again, the White Sox were shit, but that's an insult to the pile of dog shit your dog left in your neighbors front lawn. How about losing 21-straight games. That's how awful this team is, it's so bad that they'd still lose to a team full of 6 year olds that let their coach pitch to them.

Stalin aid Jerry Reinsdoorhandle did another purge in August, purging Pedro Grifol on August 8. And during the trade deadline, where players are sent to more awful cities but to better teams, Reinsdoorhandle sent Michael Kopech to deal with the traffic in Lost Angeles, Tommy Pham to be eaten by Fredbird (see here), and Eloy Jimenez to meet the coked up crabs in Baltimore. The White Sox became the worst team in history after the Detroit Tigers shot and killed them to make the playoffs.

Playing Field

Comiskey Park, eponymous to Charles “The Old Bastard” Comiskey, was originally called Bastard Park. After man disgruntle fathers bastardized their children there, the Park was renamed to Comiksey Park (Typing FAIL). The stadium has gained much infamy for it’s poor design and location. Many smart people refer to Comiskey as “That Fucking Architectural Abortion”, due to it’s faulty American Engineering.

Throughout the years, the fan has been whored out by numerous corporations, including US Cellular, who changed the stadiums name to “US Sell-Out Field”, as a prelude to bloodthirsty corporations. The fan’s obnoxious flashing adds have lead to several cases of epilepsy, especially that of Ozzie Guillen (However many fans speculate that he was born retarded) .

Cubs Vs Sox

The Cubs and Sox relationship is probably one of the ugliest cross-town rivalries in the history of the World. While the Sox currently lead the series 15985-15984.5 many Cubs speculate that score keeper was in fact a racist Sox fan. Nevertheless, one can view an unbiased presentation in this video. While the Cubs bolster a horde of faithful, flamboyant, rainbow-collar fans, the Sox have been antagonized for their flippant but charismatic fans.

For reasons unbeknownst to historians, the Sox fans feel that there actually IS a rivalry between their team and the Cubs, when in fact the Cubs' rivals are located in the nearby town of Saint Louis. In fact, Chicago consists of those who are Cubs fans, and the separatist Anti-Cubs fans who under their sith leadership are really, really annoying. The desire for Sox fans to feel important when nobody cares has led to popular belief in the rivalry. If you could really call it a rivalry is still debated, as recently the Cubs have repeatedly raped the White Sox IN the southside.

In the past the White Sox did have a special rivalry and that was with their fans. Twice the Pale Hose had threatened to move to other cities. Once due to attendance issues and the second time was because of the desire to get a new stadium built. However, the Milwaukee or Tampa Bay White Sox never happened. Although the team believes the rivalry has cooled, some disgruntled fans still refuse to bring pooper scoopers on "Bring your dog to the ballpark Day."

Fans

In modern times, a new species of people called "White Sox fans" have come unto existence. Scient(olog)ists first observed such a thing around November of 2005. Even the most expert of their field are baffled by what caused such a phenomenon. Many suggest they were created from the old turds of Steve Bartman blessed by Moises Alou's holy water.

Jay Leno and Mexican king Turd McGee both spent years in an Iraqi monastery handwriting on the subject of present day Sox fans. As it is a developing and new field, little is known except that only die hard NASCAR fans belong to the group. Additionally, they feed off of Busch beer and tacos. It is unknown whether or not Sox fans sleep, and there is ongoing research to discover if they all travel to Narnia together at night to do such.

Modern Day White Sox fans are complete idiots for following the even bigger dumbass Ozzie Guillen for letting Jim Thome leave but bringing in drug abuser Manny Ramirez. Ozzie Guillen wanted more speed. So eventually he got Manuel "Manny" Aristides Ramírez Onelcida.