Holy Habits: Lingerie for Nuns
In an attempt to attract more young women to the nunnery and to reduce pedophilia among priests, the Vatican has decreed that aspiring nuns may wear lingerie under their habits. In addition, more contemporary habits such as simple skirts may now be worn. However, both under- and outerwear must be of a type approved by His Holiness, who as always inspects models wearing proposed outfits each Tuesday afternoon. Generally, neither tattooing nor body jewelry is allowed, unless it has "religious significance".
Inspired by Madonna's video, Like a Virgin, in which the pop star sings and dances with a priest whom she seeks to seduce, the new fashion is intended to help the novice improve her self-image and self-esteem – to feel like a "bride of Christ". However, the pontiff warns, there is a fine line between sexiness and sacrilege: "A little leg or a modicum of cleavage," he decrees, "is good for the soul, but the holy bosom and sacred mount remain off limits."
Crucifixes and other accessories may also be updated, but with the same prudence. Church officials warn that concealment of illicit drugs, such as occurs in the movie Cruel Intentions, will not be tolerated, nor should novice nuns expect to wear phallic crucifixes as necklaces or earrings unless they are "of a tasteful and decorous design". They are to conduct themselves at all times in a chaste manner and remember that they are literally brides of Christ, saving themselves for the honeymoon.
A chastity belt of any design or color is always in good taste.
Now and forever, amen
- “Eat me in remembrance of this.”