Cletus The Yokel
Pope Anacletus (aka "Just-Plain Cletus") was the third Catholic pope after St. Peter and St Linus. His ambition to be the first Scientologist pope was thwarted when the battery in his e-meter ran out two years later. He was also the first pope to be born in the city of Rome. The Liberstomas Pontificalis, of Book of Popes, cites Cletus’ birthplace as Springfield, Italy, a suburb of Los Angeles. However, the Liber Rectus Pontificalis, or Book Straight from the Pope's Mouth, states that he was born in the Vatican's Shriner's Memorial Hospital. Most experts subscribe to the latter theory, based on their general agreement that Springfield probably did not have a maternity ward when Cletus was born.
Nevertheless, it is reasonable to assume that Cletus’ parents, as members of the highly respectable Delroy Lindo family, cleverly hid the fact that Cletus’ father was also his uncle. While they were later forgiven for their sins, God gave them a constant reminder of their incestuous acts in the form of a commemorative trophy. Cletus was zombified in utero, and therefore, he was technically the first pope “chosen” for zombification. All other popes have been either zombified near death or shortly thereafter, when it was somewhat more convenient.
First Come, Frist Served
In addition to the previously mentioned firsts, Pope Cletus was the first pope to marry and have children. On April 1, 45, he married his sister, Brandine, and they had 27 daughters. Most of them were, unfortunately, sold to ancient medical researchers to help finance Cletus’ house chariot, considered by many to be the first mobile domicile, over 1,900 years before the invention of the Winnebago. Amazingly, Cletus and Brandine were not punished by God — because in theory, Brandine and Cletus were also cousins, which made their union perfectly acceptable (according to God's word). On April 1, the Catholic Church celebrates St. Cletus Day, the anniversary of this wholesome marriage.
In addition, Cletus was the first pope to alter his name (not including the standard papal name-change, of course). In order to distance himself from his parents' ignominious inbreeding, Cletus took last name of Spuckler, a popular mega-store discount chain popular throughout the Italian peninsula. Some other notable Cletus firsts were:
- First to wear the “wife beater” style of robe
- First to bear the icon of St. Peter's Basilica
- First to use a sign outside of his church
- First to shave the back of his head
Cletus in Popular Culture
Many Catholics pay their respect to St. Cletus by living in "mobile domicile commons," sometimes known as Trailer Parks. It is likely that some of these devout Christians are currently living somewhere near you. A more radical sect of these commoners live in Southern Florida or the Midwestern States, where they brave the Wrath of God each year, sometimes more than once. However, most of this sect identify with Job, rather than St. Cletus. All mobile domicile Christians are labeled "yokels," after St. Cletus’ papal name.
Perhaps even more interestingly, Cletus’ church, The First Church of Springfield, was the birthplace of 1337. Parishioners of the church would borrow letters from the sign outside of the church to remember where they parked, but would forget to return them after services were over. Cletus had to "get creative" and eventually used numbers and symbols to make his sign more “understandable.”
|List of Popes
79 BC-88 BC