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An Earthquake (also known as your inevitable doom and demise; Japanese: あなたは本当にこの翻訳心配) is a scientific term developed by the FBI to explain top secret phenomena such as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking the ground, Godzilla versus King Kong, Your Mom falling over, Justin Bieber's screeching, Hopping grues, or Friendly Purple Cthulhus dancing around deep in the Earth's core. It has been estimated that earthquakes alone cause more fatalities alone, then HIV/AIDS, COVID-19, or Taco Bell Green Onions combined. "IT"S FAR OVER 9,000!!!"

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Chuck Norris, one of the many causes of earthquakes.


Before plate tectonics were described by famous Seismologist Queen Latifah, the earth was static and no earthquakes happened ever. No one knew what an earthquake was, resulting in the earthquakes deciding not to even bother if they weren't going to get any recognition from it. However, due to Queen Latifah describing the plates, the Earthquakes saw that as their claim to fame, and immediately began causing Earthquakes in Japan, California, China, and other countries with Fault Lines. Queen Latifah was subsequently executed for being a witch and causing all this mess, as well as tax evasion.

False theories

In order to calm the public (Who at the time, understood the true facts about earthquakes), government professionals began concocting lies of plates (and other common kitchen utensils) vibrating deep inside the Earth. Scientist soon discovered that plates moving around inside of the Earth scared the shit out of people even worse than before. Realizing the stupid mistake that they made, scientist tried to comfort the public by saying things like,

“Don't worry, earthquakes won't cause the end of the world... until 2012.”

~ Scientists on Earthquakes and the inevitable, inescapable doom that will occur in 2012.

Surprisingly, this approach failed too. It was later revealed that the scientists' poor social skills were due to an overdose of kittens earlier that morning.

Top CIA scientist Pat Robertson was the groundbreaking researcher that discovered the reasons behind most Earthquakes. He was the first to make the connection between the cities they occurred in and their governments BS_02 treaties with King Beezelebub from the Planet Mahupa. He then went on to discover the connection between tornados and the local immoral Cornflake commercials aired at the same time. His promotion of this is a false theory, as this is really just a cover-up of a cover-up made from Area 52 1/2.