Hillbilly

The king of the newly founded country of Kentucky

“They'll steal everything; cell phone, wallet, car keys - even your virginity!”

~ Wise old man on hillbillies

“You wanna fuuuck?”

~ My cousin

“Don't take too good to booklearning.”

~ Hillbillies on booklearning

A hillbilly is a person with an extra appendage or other deformity as a result of too much inbreeding. They usually have a face with rodent-like features, and a lot of missing teeth or teeth broken off at the gum line.

This creature is usually found in America, but smaller communities are also found in Canada, Tasmania and New Zealand.

The hillbilly evolved in Northern Albania, but moved to Southern Kentuckistan when Albania became too upscale and they refused to answer to the more genteel hillwilliam. Its common behaviour consists of reproducing with its sisters, reproducing with its mother, and dealing with its Oedipus complex by sleeping with Grandma. It occasionally reproduces with other species as well.

Famous hillbillies include that kid from Deliverance; you know, the one with the banjo.

Identification

Hillbillies can usually be identified through their toting of shotguns, bare and hairy feet, chewing of tobacco, runny nose, rank odor, and very poor haircuts. Hillbillies constantly have double whammy names. Examples include Daisy Mae, Billy Bubba, Billy Joe, Billy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Lou, Jimmy James, Johnny Jack, Brangelina, Jacky-O, Wayne Dwayne George Dubya, Sound-To, This Hillbilly, Y'all Just, Bennifer, Jeal-Ous, Bobby Joe, and Ben-Hur.

Hillbillies often lack intelligence

Some may even be called Jesus (see Cheese Jesus). Hillbillies are also known for their complete lack of knowledge of luxury items, such as cement ponds (a.k.a. swimming pools). In addition, they often smoke corncob pipes and are missing several teeth.

Characteristics

A hillbilly who defended the South during the War of Negro Aggression

Hillbilly families are, on average, at least two times wider than normal, hence the "dubbuhwad" or double-wide trailer home. The females of the species are known to wander the countryside and litter it with womb droppings everywhere they go.

Confederate flags and pride in the valiant battle put forth by those "defenders of freedom in the War of Northern Aggression" are also charasteristics of many hillbillies emanating from the South. Moonshinin' is also a family business among many hillbillies, with children as young as 4 years old working the backyard "hooch" mills in many hillbilly enclaves. Moonshine is often enjoyed with every meal and drunk out of large Mason jars. Hillbillies produce most of the cannabis and ecstasy employed by urban police forces to keep the niggers down. Likewise, most of France and America's bubble gum originates in the sweatshops of Chattanooga and Boise, where it is produced entirely from recycled products

Hillbillies often relax in their yards in hammocks made from the dresses of obese family members.

Often outsiders will grow confused when they hear hillbillies converse amongst themselves. To the outsider phrases like, "Aunt Maw, will ya let me be, guldangit!" and "Uncle Paw, did yoo eet the las' pig's feet?" cause confusion. Until one realizes that when your mother and father are brother and sister, your aunt and uncle and mother and father are one and the same (got that?). Hence, Uncle Paw and Aunt Maw.

Hillbillies also frequently utter the phrase "You think yer better than me!?!" loudly and repeatedly when confronted.

Oh boy. Now don't they look valuable?

Food

The hillbilly, like its most recent ancestor the Appalaciopithecus, eats a wide variety of food from all the major hillbilly food groups- Hardee's, Hungry Jacks, beef jerky, Denny's Grand Slam (for the high class),Taco Bell and discarded fossilized Twinkies. Oh yeah, and don't forget McDonald's. They also enjoy Ho Ho's and flat bottles of Coke. Their staple diet is corn bread, black beer, raw meat, and any bad sort of fat, including suet blocks. Another frequent practice of hillbillies is the re-using of leftover milk from cereal bowls. After the cereal is eaten, the unused milk is poured back into the milk container to be used at a later date. They also reuse toilet paper.

A hillbilly caravan

Occasionally they will add some variety to their diet through fresh roadkill, possums, and undifferentiated varmints. They also prey on weak obese kids. Pork rinds and hog's maws are also considered delicacies and are often eaten while the hillbilly watches pro wrestling in his/her underpants on a futon. Every hillbilly, without exception, will at some point in his or her life eat food identified simply as "innards".

Clothing

Hillbillies often have trouble with the law

Most male hillbillies will wear checkered shirts and denim overalls. The aforementioned shirts will have curious stains on them, usually old cereal, tobacco, beer, spit, animal pee, mashed potatoes and suspicious red stains that don't show up quite as much as you'd think and that don't wash out. The male hillbilly's hair is usually messy and ruffled after wearing a cowboy or trucker hat all day. The female hillbilly will wear revealing hot pants, knee-high boots and a shirt that's knotted a tad too high (like Daisy Duke from The Dukes of Hazzard). Their hair will be caught up in a Dolly Parton-style beehive hairdo if they are married. If you are thinking of banging a female hillbilly, you should first educate yourself with some informative pamphlets on STIs and the damage they can cause to normal, non-hillbilly people. You can tell a great deal about a male or female hillbilly by his or her clothing, such as the truck he or she drives, the food he or she eats, the gun he or she has, where he or she lives, and things about his wife or her husband. They also claim that you ought not talk about your mama like that, otherwise they might have to leave you out of their will. Ignore them, they think they're talking to their brother or cousin or, even worse, cousin-nephew-sister.

Usual haunts

A hillbilly luxury home off of its wheels

Hillbillies are usually found on flat land in and around the Southern United States. West Virginia and adjacent eastern Kentucky are known to have the highest hillbilly population, while Arkansas, Alabama, southern Missouri, northern Georgia, and eastern Tennessee follow closely behind. They are especially prevalent in areas with an out of the way diner. They can be found reading nudie magazines in their tractors or in their barns. Beware of hillbillies in gun shops, especially if you've just fucked their daughters. Usually they inhabit homes built in the 19th century or earlier which lack indoor plumbing, beds, electricity, and a roof. Hillbillies live in the mountains, while rednecks (not to be confused with hillbillies) live in trailer parks. It is a well-known fact that your mom left her bloomers in Emma May's double-wide trailer down at Knobby Hole, Arkansaw, so Emma May wants to know if you want to mail the bloomers to her or you gonna pick 'em up? Now, I don't know what your mom did down in Arkansaw, but Emma May is mad as pipin' heck about it!

Bad matches

Hillbillies do NOT get along at all with these types of people:

• Blacks (known as niggers to hillbillies),
• Jews
• Amish
• Atheists
• Muslims
• Arabs
• Dentists

A couple of hillbillies in their native habitat

• Hippies
• Commies that wanna take our guns
• Fascists, who copied our weapons
• Prohibitionists that wanna take our moonshine
• Urban cowboys/gay cowboys or metrosexuals
• Yinzers (hillbillies from West Virginia are known to hate these people with a passion)
• Non-incestous people
• Liberals
• Democrats

Good matches

On a good hunting trip, a skilled hillbilly hunter can make it back with enough rodents to feed an entire family of 14

Hillbillies DO get along very well with these types of people:

• Other hillbillies
• White people
• Wide-brimmed leather hats, polyester clothing and zipper boots
• Republicans
• Soldiers
• Survivors
• Mechanics
• Catholics
• Protestants

Encounters with hillbillies

Should you ever find yourself face to face with hillbillies, try your best to remember the following procedures.

1. Kill them immediately.
2. Avoid showing them technology.
3. Say that the government probed your ass and they'll think you have something in common.
4. (if you happen to be non-American) Say you're an alien (this causes them to scurry home in an attempt to protect their beer and their assholes from probing).
5. Don't panic.
6. Pity their retardation and give them a book to confuse their minds.
7. Say you're related to the guy from My Name Is Earl.

Eliminating the hillbilly population will only be beneficial to the world, and hillbilly police are too inept to do anything about it anyway.

Shoot on sight first and ask questions later, or not at all!

C'mon, you didn't really think that this image whore of a page wasn't going to have another image of hillbillies here, did you?

Typical hillbilly currency

If'n ya ever meet a hillbilly face to face, ya better holler for your mama; she might be da only one to see ya for the last time before ya accidentally get killt dead by some hillbilly shootin' pussom fer dinner. Just warnin' ya, some of them folks like to do that still.

Hillbillies and UFOs

For some unknown reason, visitors from other worlds visit the homes of hillbillies at a much higher rate than the homes of normal people. The aliens also have a tendency to insert various "probes", such as empty beer cans, light bulbs, their brother's penis, or family pets into the rectums of hillbillies while they are asleep. Some researchers have suggested that these "visitations" are in fact hoaxes perpetrated during drunken family orgies, but the same researchers have been unable to explain why tornadoes are attracted to the trailer homes of hillbillies, and it is an established scientific fact that aliens control the weather.