HowTo:Travel to and Through the Southern United States

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The Southern United States. Home to some of the most dangerous and difficult people to deal with. Countless tourists have been attracted to the "slow pace of life and relaxed lifestyle", only to be killed on sight by its formidable inhabitants. It is because of this, that one does not simply go on vacation to South Carolina or Alabama. One does not visit Louisiana or Mississippi on a whim. It takes intensive preparation, unconditional flexibility and the most thorough understanding of Southern culture (or the lack thereof) to be able to survive in these swamp infested and inbred populated areas. And this is what the following guide has been designed for. It is intended for people who wish to travel there, to prepare them for their journey and navigate them safely through the many dangers the South presents to foreigners.

The South's flying colors. Southern Folk don't take change very well.

Preparations[edit | edit source]

Aptitude test[edit | edit source]

You may be wondering whether you are even up to the challenge of traveling through the Southern United States. This is a legitimate question, for such a journey requires above all the ability to keep a cool head while facing imminent mortal danger, and it would be wise not to take it for granted that you have this ability. The best tour guide can't prevent you from messing up a critical situation by losing your head. It is therefore necessary for you to possess a certain level of mental strength if you want to survive in the South. Fortunately, there is a simple way to find out whether or not you have that strength:

Watch the movie Deliverance starring Burt Reynolds to get an impression of the Southern United States (in case you have thought until now that this whole guide is a joke and that traveling through the South is really a laughing matter, this should clear things up). Now, about your plan: If the events depicted in Deliverance induce such fear in you that you have to defecate yourself, forget it. You have no chance of surviving a real-life encounter with Southern Folk if you already flip out when merely watching them through a TV screen. If you have managed to go to the bathroom in time, it is up to you to decide whether you are brave enough to go on the mission. If not, you can still leave this page. Otherwise, proceed to the next section.

What to know before you plan[edit | edit source]

So you have successfully completed the aptitude test and think you have the balls to meet the Southern people face to face. While you may have gotten excited and already started to plan, don't, as you're ill-prepared for the trip and would put yourself in grave danger by planning without thinking. You must know a few basic, but key facts about how the South works, and what to expect from its inhabitants.

Number 1. What counts as the South[edit | edit source]

While geography states that the South would encompass an area including West Texas and central to southern Florida (Florida is actually part of Cuba but their all Americanized yall) The South is a much smaller area, which can be broken down into two categories: the South, which includes Tennessee, Arkansas, East Texas, and Kentucky; and the Deep South, which includes Mississippi, Georgia, Alabama, South Carolina, the Florida panhandle, and Louisiana. It must also be noted that anything labelled with or as the Gulf Coast does not count as the south. Virginia, Maryland, Deleware, and North Carolina are known as the mid-atlantic south.

Number 2. Intolerance[edit | edit source]

This simple fact is the foundation for how everything works in the South. Southern folk are extremely intolerant of anything that isn't Southern or familiar to them, like people from neighboring villages. Knowing this, you must realize that no matter how hard you try, you will always be a foreigner to them, even after following all the steps that will be shown here. So this is the deciding moment, you can back out now, or continue with your mission. If not, leave this page now.

You're still here[edit | edit source]

If you have stayed on this page, good, and don't worry, that other guy would've weighed you down on the trip anyway, it's better like this. Continue reading!

Number 3. Southern activities[edit | edit source]

There are very few things Southern folk do for fun, as electricity is still inaccessible in most areas. The most common activities that are available are listed as follows:

  • Drinking. This is usually done in large quantities to enhance the fun.
  • Hunting. The most treasured of all Southern activities. Most Southern folk hunt with large caliber rifles and assault weapons (of the fully automatic type), with shotguns as backup weapons. Also note that hunting in the South never involves any sort of game, but instead is a way to use up large quantities of ammunition.
  • Driving off road. This is quite easy as there are no roads in the South.
  • Drinking. Things get boring in the South.

Number 4. The average Southern reaction to something they do not enjoy[edit | edit source]

A Southern Folk's fist. You have been formally warned.

Those guns they use for recreation are also their main defense mechanism. Don't piss them off!

Number 5. States' Rights, Republicanism, Jesus, and Crims[edit | edit source]

The Southern United States are very narrow-minded when it comes to beliefs and political stances. All Southerners are strict Republicans and even stricter Christians. Upon looking at a Southern Folk's other political views, you will find that they believe that guns should be free and handed out like candy at the local food king, and that States' Rights are the best thing since the shotgun (Southern Folk have no concept of bread). With this knowledge in mind, be sure that you do not fall under one of the following categories:

  • A Democrat: A Southerner can pick up the scent of a baby-killing liberal for miles around, even if they are attempting to disguise themselves. If you are a Democrat, it would be wise to either not go, or listen to Rush Limbaugh all day for at least two weeks. It may hurt, but it's all about your survival (listening to Rush Limbaugh will also inform you about States' Rights if you don't know what they are).
  • Gay: This leaves very few options. Disguising yourself is not sufficient enough to prevent a Southerner from poking holes in you with bird shot. Either convert yourself or the traveling party member, or ban them from going (note: even if they're in the closet, A Southerner will still know).
  • Atheist: This falls along the same lines as being gay, and once again, a Southerner will know immediately if you're a non-believer. Attempt to convert them, or ban them from going (Note, an Atheist faking it is an even bigger risk than one for real, so make sure that they are COMPLETELY CONVERTED before proceeding).
  • Criminal: Tolerance for former and current criminals in the South is even lower than the tolerance for foreigners. Judges are non-existent, and the police are not going to be stingy with ammunition. Locals will also take matters into their own hands if they can, and this usually ends with one or more persons swinging from a tree limb or with concrete shoes. It is generally advisable that you do background checks on all party members and eject any criminals, even former ones, as a Southern Folk can detect an approaching criminal within a three mile radius.

More advanced knowledge on the South[edit | edit source]

These are the basics of life in the Southern United States. However, sometimes knowing more is helpful, and in this case, it is vital to your survival. The best way to find out more about the South and the gubbins that make it work is to study the movie Deliverance carefully and thoroughly. Watch every scene at least five times and also try to imitate the manner in which Southern Folk move and talk, because if you behave like the protagonists of the film, you will squeal like a pig. When you think you have sufficiently studied Deliverance, return to this article.

Planning your trip[edit | edit source]

Now that you know the fundamentals of the South, it is time to plan your trip. Here are the essential steps that you must follow to prepare for this special trip:

Prepare a route[edit | edit source]

This is the most important aspect of your journey, not only to get to your destination, but to help you in case things go haywire.

The key thing to remember when planning your trip is to not end the route at your destination. While this may seem silly, it is a crucial backup plan. By having your route end somewhere out of the South (preferably Florida), you give yourself a means of escape in case you find your destination too dangerous to stay in. It is also vitally important that you find at least five different routes of escape. Southern Folk can only count to four, so you will have at least one route of escape in the event they cut you off in town.

Proper attire and hair style[edit | edit source]

All traveling party members must look like this, even babies.

This part is simple and quite cheap. Southern Folk have no understanding of high fashion, or any sort of clothing besides jeans and T-shirts. So the only clothes you'll need to wear for your trip is a pair of blue jeans/ jean shorts, and a white T-shirt. You will only need one set of clothing for your journey, as wearing any other pieces of clothing is risky and may alert the Southern Folk that you are indeed a foreigner, and not someone from the other end of town.

Hair styles are just a bit more tricky. Southern Folk are only familiar of two kinds of hair styles, bald (known as the skinhead look), and mullets (known as regular hair). While the skinhead look may be more simple to accomplish, it will most likely yield unwanted results in the predominantly black neighborhoods of New Orleans, Atlanta, and any other Southern slum or back end of town. The mullet look is the better option and will work in all parts of the South. A mullet look is achieved by trimming the front of your hair to a little over normal length, and leaving the back side and sides of your head completely untrimmed. This can vary greatly, and you are urged to study the great mullets before setting off, such as Billy Ray Cyrus. Along with hair and clothing, jewelry is to be kept at a bare minimum. No gold watches, bracelets, ear rings, teeth, or any other sort of fancy shiny object.

Hygiene[edit | edit source]

This part is also crucial if you are to fool the locals. Prior to leaving, you must stop showering and brushing your teeth at least three weeks in advance. While this may be revolting, sacrifices are to be made in order for you to survive, as the mere scent of scentless deodorant will alert Southern Folk to your trickery.

Proper mode of transportation[edit | edit source]

The ideal mode of transportation when driving through the South.

Your regular four door will not fit in under any circumstances in the South. There is only one form of transportation in the South: the truck. The truck is a symbol of pride in the South, in being that the bigger the truck you have the better guy you are. While this is the most expensive part of your trip, the benefits will outweigh the cost as you will soon see. A word to the wise, do not put a silly paint job on your truck, or trick it out in any way, remember the whole change thing.

Accommodation[edit | edit source]

You will inevitably have to stop and hold up somewhere for rest. While it is possible, it is generally not advised that you sleep in any hotel in the South for various reasons you don't want to know. So what is a person like you to do? Sleep in your truck! When you buy your tractor trailer, it will hopefully have a sleeper cab, which includes accommodations built into the cab. This will allow you to sleep in any location of your choice, although it is highly advised you park your truck somewhere out of town for the same reasons that you wouldn't want to rent a room in town. Now if your tractor trailer doesn't have a sleeper cab, don't despair! The trailer is also an ideal sleeping location, just add pillows and blankets. And if you have neither of the above, sell your truck and get one with the right cab or buy a trailer, follow directions!

Weapons Training/Combat Training[edit | edit source]

Having this weapon will definitely give you the upper hand.

This is another key factor in keeping you alive. The right training in certain situations can save your life, and being proficient in handling weapons will have a huge impact on the outcome of your mission. While Southern Folk may seem like simpletons with rocks for brains, that's because most of their brain is used to store combat situation information, which makes them expert warriors. Fighting a Southerner would be like trying to fight Genghis Khan when he is at a level of over 9000. In order to increase your chances of survival, training you and your travel members to handle the proper weaponry is key. Having the right weapons can go a long way as well. Most Southern Folk own the AK-47, as it's the only one they can afford. You on the other hand would do much better with something like an M4 with ACOG scope and grenade launcher. While this may seem like a bit much, it's all for your survival, and you can sell it when you get back, which is detailed later on.

Final Details[edit | edit source]

You're almost ready to depart, but you must complete a few last steps before departing.

  • Finish your will. It's not important how you finish it, just make sure you do in case something were to go wrong (don't include the guy who left the page).
  • Write your eulogy. Remember to mention where you're traveling to, so that hopefully they will be able to recover some of your body.
  • Say your goodbyes. They won't soon forget you if you perish.
  • Buy large quantities of ammunition. Just because you might die, doesn't mean you're going down without a fight. Make sure you get the right caliber, our you'll find yourself in quite a pickle.
  • Get a trucker's hat. This will complete the Southern ensemble.
  • Watch Deliverance two more times, and you won't soon forget what you saw.
  • Avoid flashing to much cash. As most southerners especially the inbreed, retarded, white trash, trailer duelers live might sniff it out and most likely scam you or kill you. See The Southern Trap

It is TIME[edit | edit source]

Indeed it is. After following all the steps outlined here, the moment has come to turn the key and hit the gas. Once on the open road, you will need to keep track of your current location at all times, through GPS, road signs, or some other means.

The point of no return, sort of[edit | edit source]

When you reach the area that includes Maryland, Virginia, North and South Carolina, and Florida, stop your vehicle. The reason for this is simple, but complex at the same time. You are now in the area that the government claims to be within Southern Territory, but is not really part of the South (see What counts as the South). This is important, because you are now at the absolute last point where you can turn around and abort the mission. Confer with your travel mates, or yourself, and come to a conclusion.

If you see this in your sun visor mirror, it's time to call it quits.

"This is too much! I gotta get back to New York!"[edit | edit source]

Calm down. Now is the time to turn around and head home. Simply follow your route from your current position back to your start point, just switch sides of the road. You may now leave the article.

"No way man! You gotta finish what you start! Let's do this!"[edit | edit source]

Glad to see you haven't chickened out. You now must move into the true Southern territory. This will start as soon as you hit Georgia, Mississippi, Alabama, Tennessee, or the deeper parts of Kentucky. Now that you have decided to go for it and kicked out any member who thought otherwise, continue onwards.

In the South[edit | edit source]

You're here, and right off the bat, you find the area to be remarkably unlike East Brooklyn. This was to be expected though and should not be bothered with, for there are more important things to concentrate on.

Where to stay out of[edit | edit source]

While the South as a whole is dangerous enough, there are certain areas that are too dangerous to travel through or hold up for the night. small, rural areas are the most dangerous, as the population remains unchecked by police and other jurisdiction. It is suggested that you avoid these areas at all costs unless you absolutely need to.

Basic survival techniques (everyday life)/ DEFCON 5[edit | edit source]

Driving through the South[edit | edit source]

Ignore all road signs when in the south, as they are designed to lead you into Southern traps.
Higher class Southern Folk accommodations.

Driving a big rig is not like driving a normal car, and the condition of normal Southern Roads is at best non-existent. Roads are much narrower than those in regular America, and are usually unpaved, including the Interstate Highways in the South. Because of these circumstances, your big rig may have a tough time navigating. This is further complicated by the fact that Southern houses are usually trailers stuck on cinder blocks, and are positioned very close to the edge of the road (study pending on why this is, we lost contact with the last group that went in). It is therefore inevitable that you will hit a house, and in the process cause it to collapse. While this may seem like the end for you, it actually isn't. This is because Southern Folk are used to this sort of thing, and have become increasingly skilled in restoring an old trailer to "livable" conditions. Mind you, that you should still practice caution while driving through, as knocking over too many houses will earn you a bad reputation, and send you and all party members to their graves.

Talking to Southerners[edit | edit source]

Your typical group of Southern Folk (the photographer was shot by the man on the left seconds after taking the photo).

By now you've seen the legendary Southern Folk. At some point, you will have to interact with one of them. This is not the same as interacting with a regular stranger in the regular world, for every word you speak will be primarily used by the Southern Folk to evaluate whether or not to eliminate you and your party members, and if a Southerner starts a conversation with you, be assured that this is its only purpose, no matter how innocent a topic he appears to be interested in. You must therefore exercise caution when being addressed by a Southern Folk or in the unfortunate situation of being forced to initiate a conversation with a Southern Folk yourself. The following section will show you what to keep in mind while interacting with Southerners.

Knowing what to and not to say[edit | edit source]

Southern Folk conversations are usually short and to the point. However, you will be a special case, as the local folks have never seen you before and will be extremely wary and suspicious. A wrong word at the wrong time from you now might well be your and your party members' death sentence. In order to have a survivable interaction, you must be able to successfully win their trust, and since it is impossible to win their trust as a foreigner, lying to them shall be necessary. Your lies must be well thought out and executed in order for the transaction to go smoothly. Make sure to use extremely simple language, and to speak slowly and somewhat incoherently. Mentioning any sort of phrase that speaks against their beliefs, political views (which includes even uttering the word "Obama"), or way of life will result in the immediate execution of you and all party members, no questions asked. To avoid such a fate, an example of the worst case scenario has been written below.

The worst case scenario[edit | edit source]

You have pulled into a fuel stop to refuel and resupply. As you fill your large tanks (hopefully with diesel, if not, well...), a Southern Folken approaches you. Let him approach you, but do not make eye contact or say anything to him, let him initiate the conversation.

Southern Folk: Refuelin' yer big truuuck r ya? Respond to this comment in a similar fashion of speaking, while using the outlined answer below:

You: Yup, jest gotta fill -

Southern Folk: Yer ain't frum round here r ya? Apparently the sharp-eyed Southerner has spotted a bag of Bugles on the dash (Bugles are not sold in the South). While you may think you've been made, you can still come out of this with your head still on mostly. Note that any use of fancy language above the word "tar" will result in your immediate death and any party members still in the truck.

You: Na, come frum de neighbooring counteee, and i jest got back from Veginnia, loong hallll, needed some vittles. The Southern man thinks for a minute, and you can hear the fuses popping. The Southern Folk walks away. This is not, repeat, not an indication that he has fallen for your lie, but rather is going to get his friends/cousins/brothers/mothers/any other sort of relative to take a closer look, at which point you will be made, and killed. You must act quickly, but stay focused. Pay the fuel bill (do not say anything to the teller, avoid eye contact with any persons in the store), and leave. By the time they come back, anyone who saw you leave will have forgotten about it.

Use this guideline in any situation, and you should remain alive.

Being in the South[edit | edit source]

Now that you have had a taste of how things work down here in general, it's time that you acquire more detailed knowledge in order to survive your stay. The key areas below will outline what to know while staying in the South.

Music[edit | edit source]

As we know, Southern Folk are not used to change, and the music industry is no different. While CDs and MP3 Players are a common sight in the regular world, Southern Folk refuse to recognize these foreign technologies, killing anyone advertising or owning this type of equipment. It is generally advisable then that you do not take these devices into the South. While it may be difficult and un-enjoyable at the moment, it will be even more so after your dead as a result of not following the rules.

Type of music[edit | edit source]

While devoid of modern listening devices, the South does enjoy music. However, it is limited to one genre only, country music. It is general consent that country music is the origin of the Southern Folk's lack of intelligence beyond guns and fixing their pickup truck, due to the constant exposure. The primary devices used to listen to country music are record players and car radios. While you may think you are safe to listen to whatever you please in your big rig, this is far from the truth, as Southern Folk can distinguish country music from any other genre almost instantly, and within the same instant load their weapons and kill the offender. If you do not enjoy country music (who does?), you are generally advised to not play any form of music in your rig, or with any instrument, especially the guitar (remember Deliverance if you wonder why). Some of the younger southerners you might see them listing to rap or hip-hop, don't be fooled by it as its a trap to befriend minorities and or blacks to either enslave them or kill them.

Diet[edit | edit source]

The diet of a Southern Folk is not particularly healthy, as most foods consumed are extra deep fried and/or eaten raw. You should prepare to cook your own food, as most Southern Folk restaurants are Southern Traps, which will be explained later. If a Southern Folk attempts to give you food, do not under any circumstances take it, ever (remember Deliverance if you are confused).

Interactions, social gatherings, and Southern Folk activities[edit | edit source]

Do not interact with any Southern Folk unless it is absolutely necessary. Do not attend social gatherings set up by Southern Folk, and avoid all Southern Folk activities at all costs.

The Southern Trap[edit | edit source]

"The Southern Trap", as it is referred to as, is a system that was devised in the early 1900's by Southern Folk to capture foreigners in a more discrete and effective way. The basis for all Southern Traps is as follows:

A social gathering is held in town, advertising music, dancing, food, and other fun activities. The event is held at night, usually at a farm of some sort. Anyone from out of town who is staying for an extended period of time would be inclined to go by an extremely hot female/ not ugly male. Once there, the foreigners take part in various activities, unknown to them that either A, the hot female/ not ugly male is buying all the alcohol, or B, the drinks have been severely spiked. After becoming extremely intoxicated, the "bait" (as we will refer to the hot female/ not ugly male as from now on) takes the foreigners with them to his/her "house". The house turns out to be the woods, and you can fill in the blanks from there. While this is the most popular form of a Southern Trap, there are other forms as well, including:

  • A Restaurant. Usually, the bait will make suggestive moves/eye contact to the foreigner in a seductive way from across the room.
  • A Gas Station. The bait will usually hang around outside the building and repeat the above step.
  • A small grocer stand. Steps above repeated.

A Southern Trap can spell the end for you and all party members, and this is why it's recommended above that you stay away from these things. However, if you find you and your party members have been lured into a Southern Trap, follow the steps below.

Step 1: Remove alcohol from the equation. This will keep you and your party members alert for any signs that the bait is taking you somewhere you shouldn't be. Start offering to pay for the alcohol. If resistance occurs, give in, but DO NOT DRINK THE ALCOHOL. Instead, throw it over your shoulder, or spill it every time, claiming to be a bit of a klutz. If you follow this step and make sure that no party member has consumed alcohol, the following steps may not be necessary, but if complications occur, read on.

Step 2: Take the bait back to your "house". If the suggestion is made, tell the bait that you would rather go to your place, or you and your party members have to get up early in the morning and need to get back to the "hotel" (aka your rig). If they continue to persist, give in, and follow the next step.

Step 3: Kill the bait. Once in the bait's vehicle, sit back and stay cool. Quietly confer with other party members on a plan. Now get the bait to stop the vehicle once on a lonely road, for example, claim one of you party members is going to throw up, or make the tire go flat (aka shoot it). Once out of the vehicle get behind the bait, and kill them (this may be hard if the bait is a hot female, but remember, she's just a dirty whore). After killing the bait, hide the body, and drive quickly back to the rig in the vehicle, and drive out of town. If everything else hasn't worked so far, move on to the final step.

Step 4: Open up. If the bait continues to try and buy alcohol, or is emphatic on going back to their house, take out your assault weapons and open fire on everyone. Have one party member throw a smoke grenade, and another a frag, and begin moving to some sort of vehicle. Once in, hot-wire the vehicle, load all party members in, and drive off, continuing to rain fire down on the crowd. Get to the rig and drive off, shooting anyone you see coming at you.

Sleeping in the South[edit | edit source]

While it may appear as if lights are on in the South, this is actually a false canopy put up to fool NASA of the South's true location.

At some point in time, the sun will set, and you will have to sleep. THIS IS BY FAR THE MOST DANGEROUS PART OF YOUR JOURNEY. Night-time in the South is not for the faint-hearted, and should not be taken lightly (remember the movie Deliverance if you feel this is silly, because it isn't). 110% of all rapes, murders, robberies, and other crimes that are specifically limited to the South happen after hours. Before resting your head, make sure to check the following:

  • Doors on trailer and cab are locked with door locks, combo locks, and heavy duty chain, along with iron plates covering the handles so that no hand or object can be wedged underneath.
  • All guns have been properly cleaned and are loaded at maximum capacity, with personal weapons on safety and guard weapons on fire, rotate guards every hour on the hour until sun breaks.
  • All lights have been extinguished.
  • A ring of landmines and claymores (which should be placed closer to the trailer to avoid damage) has been properly placed around the trailer (spacing no wider than 2 inches), with a small passageway only you and your travel members know leading out, only wide enough for one person at a time. The radius of the land mines should be at least 20 feet.
  • Any device that makes noise is silenced/destroyed.
  • Kevlar is being worn properly and has extra ceramic panels inserted.

Waking up in the South[edit | edit source]

As Soon as the sun has risen to a point where you have a clear view of your surroundings. Before exiting the trailer, detonate any un-detonated landmines/claymore to avoid setting them off, and to kill any stragglers outside. Once they have been detonated, exit the trailer with guns drawn, and all party members in combat stance, keeping heads on a swivel. Once you and all party members have exited the trailer, clear the area, making sure to check under the truck and for any dug holes nearby. If a hole is found, DO NOT DESCEND, use a grenade to either kill or flush the Southern Folk out. With the area clear, you may now have breakfast.

Advanced survival techniques (hostile situations)[edit | edit source]

If your trip has been going well so far, well done. However, nearly 150% of all trips to the South end in premature evacuations due to a hostile situation, and it would be foolish to bank on the chance that this will not happen to you. The section below will therefore show you how to get out of a sticky situation with most of your life still intact.

This calls for DEFCON 3,

DEFCON 4–2/ THIS IS BAD[edit | edit source]

Don't panic[edit | edit source]

Panicking now would be equivalent to suicide, so don't. Southern Folk will use any weakness you have towards their ultimate goal of tossing you in the river when you're dead. Now is the time to put your game face on, and get your killer instincts ready, for a battle is about to ensue. This is now the time to make the point clear that laws will be broken within the next half hour or so, depending on the severity of the situation. This is completely unavoidable, you must get yourself out of this mess, as the police will not be on your side (this also means any laws broken will probably never be found out or reported.)

... or, in this case, DEFCON 2. Southern Folk train their pets in combat techniques as well.
Preparing a defensive position[edit | edit source]

The first thing you must do is getting your rig in a position suitable to defend from. Positioning the trailer perpendicular to incoming fire is the safest bet. Now that you have the trailer positioned, you can now prepare to exit the cab and hold off your attackers.

Exiting the trailer[edit | edit source]

The first step is to open the door and lob out two smoke grenades on each side of the cab, which will provide you and your party members cover. Now using the rigs radio, turn on any station except country (use a CD if Southern Folk are jamming the other stations). This will psychologically impair them, and give you the upper hand. Once the smoke screen is wide enough, exit the trailer, making sure all weapons are on fire and loaded to maximum capacity. Keep a low profile, and set up to fire from under the trailer. Wait for the smoke screen to clear enough to see the Southern Folk. As soon as this occurs, open fire and continue sustained fire. While the majority of the group continues this, take one member and move to the sides of the trailer, and from there pick off targets. Throw grenades if any are left. Note if you are flying solo, this tactic will not work, so move on to the next step (though you should've traveled in a party, loners have a lower chance of survival).

DEFCON 1/ IT'S REALLY BAD/YOU'RE A LONER (DUMBY)[edit | edit source]

If you find that the tactics above are not showing any progress, it's now time to to move on to more drastic measures. While usually it will not come to this if you're traveling in a group, surprises are to be expected. Get your team to stable cover and pull out a radio (you should pack one, if not, ...). This next step is crucial if you are to survive the next parts of this. Tune your radio to an encrypted frequency that you have chosen for your team. Now establish contact with an AC-130 overflight, and describe your situation (this part is an optional add on before you leave, and it is completely up to you to acquire the right tools in order to acquire this protection). Once contact is established, and the AC-130 is ready to receive firing orders, call out targets and their rough position in relation to yours (you should be wearing IR beacons). As soon as the AC-130 has coordinates and targets, give the order to fire thirty seconds after you have begun to fall back. As soon as you follow through with this order, quickly gather your team and get them back in the rig. Start the rig, and get into position as far away as possible. With the thirty seconds up, look back at your previous position as the AC-130 fires, confirming targets have been killed.

This is an AC-130. Southern Folk have been formally warned.


This will definitely solve your problem, but it is not recommended.

If it reaches this point, it's time to abandon conventional tactics and move on to the last resort. Follow the instructions from DEFCON 1, except call in nuclear artillery/tactical nuke and give yourself at least five minutes to clear out. Note that survival is not guaranteed at this point.

You've survived[edit | edit source]

You have made it out of the hostile area alive. The next step is to now completely and stealthily evacuate from the South. This is completely necessary for a number of reasons. No matter if you used the AC-130 or nuclear artillery, it won't be enough to stop them from regrouping and launching a massive counter-attack. Depending on your location and how big a town you evacuated from, along with how many Southern Folk were killed/evaporated from the final blow, you should have roughly one or two days to prepare for your exit from the South.

Change your appearance[edit | edit source]

A White man disguised as a Black man, though not well, as you can see his lips belong only to a dumb white man.

The Southern Folk have hatred memory, in where they remember things that have made them angry (example, all white Southern Folk hate black people, because one time a black man was somehow curt to a white man). You are definitely fresh in their mind, and will most likely stay that way forever. You can't simply get up and go without disguising yourself, so do whatever is necessary to disguise yourself and all party members. Some examples of how you can do this are:

  • The Skinhead look. While not recommended early on, by now anything will suit even if it means offending some people. However, this is not recommended if you're in New Orleans or somewhere where black people predominantly live, for obvious reasons.
  • Change your shirt. Even if it's the same color as the last one, Southern Folk will be fooled by this, as most of them only own one shirt.
  • Change your skin color. It may seem ridiculous, but it is a sure-fire way of disguising yourself. If you're white, acquire some brown shoe polish and apply to exposed skin until completely covered. If you're black, grab some bleached flower (as white as it can be), and sprinkle on face.
  • Buy fake facial hair. If you were already wearing real facial hair, you will be forced to shave it off for your own survival (just do it).
  • Buy false teeth. Anything extra at this point will only help your disguise.
  • Buy a different trucker's hat to remove the last trace of your former identity.

Your rig[edit | edit source]

By now, your rig has undoubtedly seen better days. It will most likely have bullet holes, scratches in the paint, leaking diesel tanks, wheel wobble, thrown rods, broken suspension linkages, and missing a couple of pistons. The most important thing to do is first repaint your rig in a different color. Make sure to use body filler to cover up bullet holes and deep gashes. If you can get to any other mechanical problems, do so quickly and only if you have time (rigs have been known to survive multiple run-ins with Southern Folk, even with half of the parts missing). Also important is that you replace any badges denoting the type of truck it is, and replace them with any other kind of rigs badges, this will help to even further disguise the truck from even the most sharp-eyed Southern Folk.

Weaponry[edit | edit source]

Your weapons will probably be pretty knackered as well. Throw out any weapons that cannot be salvaged and immediately buy replacements matching or exceeding the quality of the previous weapon. NOTE: ONLY DO THIS AFTER YOU HAVE BEEN PROPERLY DISGUISED. In the case that you can't find replacements, hand weapons shall suffice. Anything can kill someone in the right amount, so if you have it, it's a weapon already.

Final preparations[edit | edit source]

You're almost ready to leave, but you should make sure that these few things are in line:

  • Your diesel tanks are topped. If they had holes in them use duct tape, the miracle worker for the South.
  • You have plenty of ammunition and your guns are loaded to the brim.
  • Your disguise is believable.
  • You've gone through the whole movie Deliverance in your mind.

Leaving[edit | edit source]

This part is simple, don't stop driving until you are out of the South (watch out though if you are heading back into Pennsylvania or New York, as certain isolated spots are considered Southern territory even though they are outside it's borders due to the high level of mental retardation and vast collection of weaponry owned by each individual, notably North East PA, and Duanesburg, NY).

You're out[edit | edit source]

You have survived the South and are now back home. All party members have also returned home. While this is definitely something to rejoice, you may not feel the same as you had done before going into this. You've seen a lot, enough to be as bad as a 'Nam vet. You've done things considered crazy in the normal world. You've interacted with people that live in another dimension of half baked brains. You've gone through hell, so now what? It is time for The Reversal.

The Reversal[edit | edit source]

The first thing you need to do is wash yourself, brush your teeth and get a haircut if you have the mullet. Now the next step, therapy, and you can't just walk into a shrink's office and expect them to help you since they don't understand how things work down there. You will have to heal yourself.

Selling your rig[edit | edit source]

Your rig will most definitely look like this after coming out of the south.

This might be tough, but it's all part of the healing process. Your rig was crucial in battles and in saving your life on numerous occasions. But by now, it's dirty, broken tired, and ready to move on. As long as you explain what has happened and where it has been, the dealership will take the rig with no questions asked.

Throwing out the attire[edit | edit source]

This part probably won't be so tough. Throw away the clothes you wore on the journey, and get a regular haircut if you still have the mullet. Take multiple showers and brush your teeth frequently until the Southern grime is off.

Selling extra weaponry[edit | edit source]

This will be difficult. The weapons show the obvious signs of having been involved in combat, and selling them may have to involve an illegal midnight sale. On an important note, keep one weapon of your choice that you feel is in good condition, and is good for all situations (explained later).

Re-establishing contact with the world[edit | edit source]

You've been away for a while, and the people who weren't with you probably think you've just been on another trip. Since they have no way of knowing what you've really gone through, the only thing you can do is to talk with people who were with you, for they alone understand that your excursion was far from being just another trip. Also attend regular social functions, just be sure to not mention the trip.

Final steps[edit | edit source]

You're almost free, you just need to do a few more things:

  • Destroy photos/videos of the events if you took any.
  • Destroy any items you took with you.
  • Climb a mountain and feel like you've conquered the beast.

You're free[edit | edit source]

And that is it, you have now successfully traveled to the Southern United States and lived to see another day. You have accomplished what only a handful of people have ever done. Just do these final two steps:

The gun you didn't sell[edit | edit source]

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Keep this loaded at all times. While you are free and most likely in the clear, there have been a few cases of Southern Folk traveling out of their territory in pursuit of people. They usually are only able to survive two or three days out of their natural environment, so the farther away you live, the better. But always keep a sharp eye on the lookout, you know what to look for.

Watch Deliverance[edit | edit source]

Watch this movie one more time to confirm your determination to never, ever return to the South. Once you've finished the movie, destroy it. You have just completed the world's most dangerous and grueling journey ever devised by man. Pat yourself on the back; and look over it to make sure no one's there.