Portable media player
~ Oscar Wilde on MP3 Players“Sir, this is the final stop this bus makes. Sir? SIR! SIR!!”
~ The bus driver on people who listen to their music too loud“If you can't be free, at least be cheap”
~ Frank Zappa on MP3 Players“What poor people who cannot afford Ipods buy!”
~ Rich White Kid on Mp3
A portable media player (PMP), or digital audio player (DAP), is a genetic specie semi-altered-replication of the Electronics kingdom, under the MTV class and the Music genus. Often digital audio players are sold as MP3 players, and have the ability to play songs given to it by the computer god, although they can only hold up to a certain amount. Many MP3 Players are used as pets and are very common in North America, the United Kingdom, Asia, and in parts of Qwerty and Jupiter.
Origin and evolution[edit | edit source]
The earliest known example of an MP3 Player is labeled as "It". "It" was discovered on asteroid CVX77-1337-Pwn in 2012 under a speck of dust. The player held only one song, which was a simple recording of what could possibly be a recording of redundancy. The player has been said to date back to the year 47. Supposedly, this player had evolved from the torn out vocal chords of Anonymous, when he was brutally slughtered in the war of 8.12. Another quite early member of the MP3 player species is the aPod, which may have later evolved into the iPod. The aPod was quite advanced for its time. It held 9406737890337.04 KB of data. However, it died at an early age due to abuse when Stan tried to download Pornography onto it through his Windows BC operating system. Obviously, it didn't work out.
MP3 Players began evolving in the late -1200s. As the "It" species adapted to its harsh environment with the discovery of portable porn, it evolved into the aPod species. This species died out rather fast, although the last living aPods bred a mePod. The mePod became a highly abused race since it could hold even MORE porn than its predecessors. As the "Pod" genus evolved, the "Creative" genus arose due to a misbreed between 2 ourPods. Eventually even more genii arose from the genepools of Pods and Creatives. This eventually led to the Creative Zen and the iPod yocto being the dominants in the MP3 race. They still hold this power today, although Nostradamus predicted that only one will wish to rule the MP3 Player kingdom, leading into a brutal war which may cause the end of life as we know it.
After the price has dropped on MP3 players with more seamless interfaces, and more intelligent shuffle modes, people stopped listening to radio.
Life of an MP3 Player[edit | edit source]
An MP3 Player's life depends on its one energy source- Rechargable Batteries. These batteries run out of energy to support at some points in their lifetime, causing the Player to go into a serious coma. The player can only be revived by the spare energy source of a charger, which conviniently plugs into a universal power source known as a socket in most countries. This produces extra energy and gives the MP3 Player's battery more energy. Once the battery is fully recharged, the player may live freely, that is, until the battery runs out once again.
MP3 Players sometimes go through hard times in their life when domesticated and pet-ified. The owners of MP3 Players often abuse it by downloading Fall Out Boy and Panic! At The Disco songs onto it, or downloading other shit music. PETA has formed several trillion petitions to stop MP3 Player abuse since 1666, shortly after bands like The Emotional Pilgrims and Danger! At Plymouth Rock formed. Some MP3 Players spite their owners by letting their batteries run low faster than usual, or just plain breaking down. Unfortunately, MP3 Player abuse still continues in today's society.
The average lifespan of an MP3 Player is about 144 years. Sadly, many MP3 Players don't live much longer than 4 days because of porn and owners with bad music tastes. Many wild MP3 Players, on the other hand, have been known to live for over 147 years.
Historical Accounts of MP3 Player Use[edit | edit source]
Arachaeologists have discovered many references to the use of MP3 Players as pets dating back as far as Ancient Egyptian times through the use of hieroglyphics. Also, it was recently discovered that a full written owner's manual for an obscure ancient MP3 player is written in the bible code. Here are some examples of historical written accounts of MP3 Players...
As the area became pitch black, I had to resort to the use of a mePod in order to light my way.- Excerpt from the Pastafarian bible; Spaghetti 69:1337
Fish dog potato ate a can of fried eagle tuna in the car owned by Nintendo. Raid: Kill bugs dead with iPod Zoot Suit- Ancient Egyptain Hieroglyphics
Also, Nostradamus once predicted that the iPod would have 7713 too many spinoffs, leading into worldwide insanity. His prediction came true.
Creative brand MP3 Players were said to have been used by American soldiers to pwn the French while listening to Iron Maiden during the War of 1812.
Types of MP3 Players[edit | edit source]
- iPod 2: Electric Boogaloo
- iPod Mini
- iPod Nano
- iPod Microscopic
- Invisible iPod
- iPod Colossal
- iPod yocto
- All of the other 195032 installments of the iPod species
- Creative Zen
- Creative Enlightenment
- Creative Nirvana
- Generic MP3 Player
- Generic Cell Phone/MP3 Player hybrid
Notable MP3 Player users[edit | edit source]
A * denotes people who are convinced that MP3 players will replace radio
- George Bush
- Your Mom
- This guy*
- Some French chick
- Not you
- MC Hammer
- That horse over there
- Frank Zappa*
- Steve Jobs*
- Oscar Wilde