The Dukes of Hazzard
The Dukes of Hazzard was a dramatic TV show that starred the quirky adventures of the brothers Duke of Bo and Duke of Luke, two crazy teenage Dukes in their home town of Hazzard, where they lived with their Uncle Cracker Duke of Nukem and their cute little cousin Daisy Duke of Earl, nicknamed Duke of Pearl Necklaces. These wacky young kids were always getting up to mischief in Hazzard, and often seen running from the evil King Hoggswoggle and his deputy BDSM sex slave, Roscoe Pee Cocktrain. The boys also made famous their royal chariot transportation unit that they installed a '69 Dodge Farter engine into, and would often save the day in Hazzard from corruption by simply just jumping said chariot that they called The General Admission over a ravine or some road that was under construction, which seemed to happen A LOT in Hazzard. The show ran for nine seasons, between the years of 1874 and 1753. It was considered to be.... unique, to say the least, about the life styles of these degenerate outlaws of the royal family.
Welcome To Hazzard, Folks[edit | edit source]
The Dukes of Hazzard's premise was created out of Wanker Brothers Studios during the height of the redneck popularity boom of the 1870s after a popular film called Smokey and the Bandit about a couple of rednecks trying to smuggle condoms into the state of Utah against Mormon laws. The series drew inspiration from this film, and would be set in the small principality known as Hazzard County, a town where hazards were always around, such as streets always being closed for repairs, roads being built, bridges being fixed and fruit stands always laying around in the middle of the road conveniently for driving into at high speeds, all being completely unattended by man, as only five other people besides the Duke family and the King and his sex slave live in Hazzard. It was the perfect opportunity to show that as long as you have a couple of royal Dukes with a V8 turbo charged chariot racer, you could achieve anything in life by just jumping over shit in your transport vehicle. The Duke boys were down to Earth typical rednecks who liked to carry guns and shoot road signs, piss off the law, and their favorite pasttimes are to hunt and fuck! And what, you may ask did they hunt? Things to fuck!
The show first aired in 1879 and was instantly rejected by real-life rednecks who believed Bo and Luke had too much smarts in dem there brains to be's-a rednecks, but the rest of the world fell in love with the show about a couple of renegade royal Dukes who were against the royal system of law imposed by King Hoggswoggle, a little albino fat midget who always donned a green suit. Each week the Duke boys and their cousin, Daisy Duke of Earl, would gallivant around the town ripping out roads and saving Hazzard from the laws of corruption just by abusing speed limits all over the town.
Popularity[edit | edit source]
The Dukes of Hazzard ran for nine seasons, or that is nine years it be to rednecks a-readin' dis page via their fancy "900 hundred dollar it costed me" deck of cards. The show became an instant hit overnight and the Dukes became one of the hottest TV shows in the world, seen by over 50 people worldwide. The success of the show led to merchandise sales of Dukes of Hazzard T-shirts, lunch boxes, chariot models, and.... well, that was about all the merchandise. They made a record sales of over 50 billion items sold, but today the world is fucked if they can figure out whatever happened to them, as only about nine lunch boxes remain in the world today.
The show also broke new ground in anti-racism, another reason the real rednecks of the world did not approve of this show, every now and then they would have a special guest on the show who was a Negro. And this special guest Negro would never have a problem making friends with the Duke boys, even though their chariot was painted with a huge Confederate flag on the roof and had KKK for a number plate. These were the sort of values the world loved to see, a Negro being o.k. with what that flag represented.
Characters of Hazzard County[edit | edit source]
Duke of Bo[edit | edit source]
Bo Duke, named after Bo Derrick when Uncle Cracker Duke of Nukem saw her skinny dipping with no panties on one time in a cement pond on one of them moving pictures contraptions. Bo was the handsome cute boy toy; every girl in the world wanted to rip the clothes off of him and let him throw up on them. He was also the better driver of the two brothers, but responsible for more highway pileups then Asian motorists. Bo had an elementary degree, saying he graduated the 6th grade in only 15 years, making him the brains of the entire family. He was also pretty good at kick-the-can and hickey sack, which is what he referred to as a roll in the hay with his cousin, Daisy.
Bo's characteristics were cool, cocky and calm, but he would never back down from a barroom brawl whenever someone was in trouble, or someone outside of the family tried hitting on his cousin, Daisy.
Duke of Luke[edit | edit source]
Luke Lucas Billy-Luke Duke was the rugged brown-haired brother of Bo and Uncle Cracker Duke of Nukem. Luke was hung like an inbred mule, and really knew how to use it. Often you would see Luke swing his enormously long penis around in the air that he had tied up in a noose to go and rope cattle and livestock to have his way with them. He had an obsession with pulling wings off of flies and calling them walks, and was a top escape artist of escaping tricky situations whenever he and his brother and half-cousin Bo got caught by King Hoggswoggle and sent to the torture chambers.
Luke was the down-to-earth athletic member of the family. He was often found playing sports in his spare time, and was the county's basketball MVP for 10 years in a row until Black people started moving into Hazzard.
Uncle Cracker Duke of Nukem[edit | edit source]
Uncle Kracker Duke of Nukem was a grumpy old fart that looked a hell of a lot like Santa Claus, and he would often bounce his niece Daisy on his lap and giggle with his hands firmly wrapped around her waistline. He was an expert in making moonshine, which he would often make Daisy drink if she did not satisfy her sugar papa. He was the father to Bo and the cousin of Luke and also their pimp. Because the old fart was over 100 years old, he knew the ways of the land like no one else. If it called for it, he could move his fat ass from one side of Hazzard to the other in a matter of seconds by just eating a bowl of rattlesnake chili, wiping his mouth, cocking his leg and blasting off.
Uncle Dukey had his own battles with incontinence during his already old age. From the beginning to the end of the show's run, Dukey had soiled his pants a world record 950 times and some of this soiled underwear can now be bought on Ebay! as collector's items.
Daisy Duke of Earl[edit | edit source]
Sweet little underage Daisy Duke of Earl was the Duke of Pearl Necklaces. Most fans of the show would tune-in to see just how low her shorts where this week, naming them "Daisy Duke shorts". She became an international star for her long, long legs that went all the way up after she had them lengthened in series 3. She had a tight little ass that made every viewer around the world wish that if Daisy was their sister, they were her brother, incest was legal, and they all lived together, they would be a happy Duke boy too. Daisy was no lady, either, she knew how to take care of herself. If anyone tried to grab her soft little tush, and they were not a member of the Duke family, oh boy, did they ever regret it, hyuck-hyuck-hyuck.
Daisy posed for the centerfold of the 1984 issue of Red Neck Chicks With Dicks, which became one of the highest-selling copies of that stick mag of all time. Many rednecks still have the posters up on their toilet walls. They get rather confused when they see her these days, wondering how her breasts got even bigger, but her face melted down so bad it looks like a buffalo took a dump in a bowl of M&M's.
King Hoggswoggle[edit | edit source]
King Hoggswoggle was a pissed off little albino fat midget that was always soiling his diaper and not wanting to spend money on the roads of Hazzard County after Bo and Luke Duke have ripped them to shreds dropping burn-outs using caterpillar-track wheels they installed on their vehicle. The King would always be up to behavior like this, and if it was not for them damn Duke boys, the roads would never need to get repaired. Having to spend money on road repair irritated King Hoggs, as it cut into the illegal dope smuggling trade he had going on with Jerry "The King" Lawler.
Roscoe Pee Cocktrain[edit | edit source]
Roscoe Pee Cocktrain was the ugly old BDSM sex slave of the King. He donned a policeman's uniform, as it made the King horny. Roscoe would often be sent out to do the King's evil bidding and catch them damn Dukes before they could rip up another road. Roscoe had a 4-inch penis, but that was perfect for the midget king as he only had a 5-inch depth in his throne room. Roscoe had a hot sister, Mimi, that was hardly ever seen in the show, but she was also the Queen of the Land, and whenever she was around, Roscoe would hate on the Duke boys for making her wetter then he ever could. Roscoe would often have his face blown on by the Dukes, to which he would always say his catchphrase, "Jizz, Goo, Goo, Goo, Goo"
Flasher[edit | edit source]
Flasher was the dog King Hoggswoggle owned, but when Hoggswoggle was not in the mood for a bitch on four legs, he was given to Roscoe to look after. Flasher was a dog they found that would often be found performing acts in public of indecent exposure; many believe Flasher was the star that carried the entire show. He could lick his own testicles at 35 miles per hour, which proved handy during nuclear warfare cast upon Hazzard. Flasher was also one of Uncle Dukey's offspring.
Cooter[edit | edit source]
Cooter was Hazzard's own personal pussy mechanic. He would inspect all the pussy all over town when he was not fixing Daisy's flower power after Luke, Bo and Nuke had broken it, which seemed to be every day, as Daisy's poonanny was always in Cooter’s shop being repaired. Cooter was also an ex-marine biologist from the future, but kept his secret identity a secret in fear of a Communist activist lesbian liberation movement setting up shop in Hazzard.
Penis Straight[edit | edit source]
Penis Straight was one of the King's backup BDSM slaves. If Roscoe’s asshole caved in and was being repaired at Cooter’s garage, then Penis would be brought in to take his place. Penis also had a big crush on Daisy, but she would not even let him handle the hooters because he was not related to her in any way. Penis later in the series left the show to become a professional Shetland Pony. He later came back briefly to ask Daisy for her hand in a wank, but she refused, so he left Hazzard again to become a backup singer for Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five, to which they gained great success and were a really GREAT band. He then quit the group and joined Boys II Men to try something different.
The Ballerina[edit | edit source]
The Ballerina would never be seen on the show, not during the series anyway. He would be the voiceover man of the show advising people they were now watching The Dukes of Hazzard, they were in Hazzard County, and explain to people why incest laws are legal in this town. He was the man that pieced all the storylines together, so that rednecks watching the show could understand why the General Admission was a special car made from magical moonshine sprouts, being the reason why, when they try to jump their car over a cliff, they crash and burn.
It was rumored that the Ballerina was actually voiced by Waylon Jennings, but it was later discovered when he was finally seen in a 2003 reunion movie that he was actually Luciano Pavarotti. He gave a vibrant demonstration of his ballet skills before doing a little crowd surfing..
Other cast members[edit | edit source]
- Bang Bang Lu-Lu - She was the wife of King Hoggswoggle and the Queen of Hazzard. She had enormous tits and her ass was always costing her money when she was in public, because it had "FINE" written all over it. She was never on the show much, but always gave audiences a moist pair of underwear when she appeared.
- Cleetus - He was the 3rd back up of King Hoggswoggle's BDSM slave bum-chums.
- Cousin Kunt - He was the son of King Hoggswoggle that kept getting kicked out of Hazzard for trying to sell Flasher's dried dog turds dipped in gold paint to Japanese tourists as golden nuggets.
The General Admission[edit | edit source]
The General Admission was the V8-powered, twin turbo, bucket seat, fuel-injected powerful broom-broom chariot of Bo and Luke. It was a 1769 Dodge Farter design equipped with AM mono, 4-speed transmissions, a 35-inch wheel base, and a pair of pink fluffy dice. This was the vehicle that everyone wanted, it was painted orange and had a Confederate flag tattooed to the roof, the number 69 on the doors, and a specially printed number plate reading KKK 4VR.
- General Admission Facts
- V8 supercharged 353 Hemi stock racing engine!
- 0-60 mph in 47 minutes!
- Tank treads for easy road gripping!
- Pink fluffy dice for extra boost power!
- Can whistle "Dixie" out of its ass!
Cancellation of the show[edit | edit source]
In the fall of the summer of 1923, stock markets crashed and the Great Depression kicked in all over the world. The Dukes of Hazzard fell victim to the show not being able to be financed, and that all TVs had been eaten. The show never got a finale, leaving the fans wondering if the Dukes managed to save Hazzard during the last show's cliffhanger ending, where King Hoggswoggle had set a trap to catch Bo and Luke and cause them to take the wrap for the town's water supply having been urinated into, and Bo and Luke were going to save the town and their reputations by jumping over the reservoir in the General Admission.
Reunion shows[edit | edit source]
In 1996 the first of two reunion shows went on the air; everyone was back except for King Hornswoggle, who had been killed by Colonel Sanders for identity theft in 1982. The show was not quite what it used to be; Bo and Luke were now the King and Queen of Hazzard, the General Admission did not make the jump in what was the final episode, so it was just sitting around rusting at the bottom of the urinated water supply creek. Uncle Dukey was amazingly still alive and as big a pervert as ever, Daisy had aged badly, and Roscoe and Penis were now Latter Day Saints. The only one who had not changed was Cooter, who still looked like 300 pounds of bird shit. The show was received with moderate disrespect.
The next reunion followed in 2004, and they decided to do another one and take the General Admission out to Harlem, Los Angeles to show the Black kids of the hood how to respect the Confederate flag once more. They also saved Hazzard from Al-Qaeda when they invaded the town to pillage the women and rape the land. This show sucked a little more then the first reunion. Uncle Dukey had also sadly passed away; he lit a match on the shitter and with the mixture of his rattlesnake soup, he was blown sky-high.
Duke It Out On The Big Screen[edit | edit source]
Some wanker in Hollywood decided The Dukes Of Hazzard should be made into a movie; hell, everything else was either being made into a movie, or remaking old shitty movies, The movie was instantly hated by everyone for casting Paris Hilton as Daisy, saying Daisy was a role model for molested children everywhere, and Paris was just a dumb bimbo who believed staying in Hilton hotels was embarrassing, but being seen sucking the cock of every man she meets is not.
The next movie was straight to DVD, that is how bad it was. The movie was 90 minutes of Kenny Rogers and Willie Nelson telling dirty jokes with their wrinkly old ball-sacks throwing caution to the wind.
Duke Fest[edit | edit source]
In celebration of no more remake movies, each year an event called Duke Fest is held around America and Zimbabwe. Fans of the show come dressed as their favorite Dukes character, bring their replica General Lees, and participate in a grand old hootenanny boot-scootin' molestation of anyone dressed like Daisy in memory of ol' Uncle Dukey.
Video games[edit | edit source]
The Dukes of Hazzard is notorious for having some of the crappiest video games in history. They were so bad; we refuse to even acknowledge they exist. We will now change the subject and hear a word from our sponsor, over to you, Bubba. Thank you, Jeffrey. There once was a man from Nantucket *scratch*.... Ummm, we are experiencing technical difficulties with that story, we will now return you to your regular stories about The Dukes of Hazzard.
That Famous Theme Music[edit | edit source]
At the beginning of every show, the Ballerina would sing the theme song to the show. The song is regarded as one of the best country songs about incest to date, although there was some stiff competition... heh-heh, I said stiff.
- "INBRED OLE' BOYS"© Parcllub Ind.
- Lyrics written and performed by Luciano Pavarotti
- Recorded by Hanson
Just some inbred ole' boys,
Never meaning no harm,
Beats off their meat in public,
That's a-been a-gettin' 'em in trouble with the law since the day they was born.
Uncle Dukey’s a perv,
Touches Daisy's Little Hills,
Someday her mouth will be big enough,
But her ass never will.
Having their way,
The only way they know how,
FCC, stop complainin',
Daisy's of legal age now.
Having their way,
The only way they know how,
You might think it's a little bit hick,
When Luke's pokin' a cow.
Just some good ole inbred boys,
Wouldn't have sex outside their own DNA if they could,
They're fighting the system,
Like-a two modern day rats of the hood.
Fun fact trivia[edit | edit source]
- Them Duke boys saved Hazzard County over 211 times by jumping over shit.
- Daisy has never shaved her daisy patch in her life, resulting in a pubic arrangement that looked like her snapper tried to swallow Don King, but could not digest the top of his scalp.
- Luke can tie his penis in a reef knot!
- E=Mc2.
- In 1980 Colonel Sanders invaded Australian shores.
- Uncle Dukey once fucked a member of the Kennedy family (we do not know which one).
- TNA spelled backwards is ANT.
- Hazzard County is the world's leading producer of biodegradable fish.
- The dirt roads of Hazzard are made from special magical dirt that allows skidding tires to sound like they are on asphalt.
- If you rape a hooker, you will be charged with shoplifting.
- Starsky & Hutch were also inbreds, but still not related to the Dukes in any way.
