Kurt Angle
“I am not a fan of the black people”
“I'm not a fan of the black people”
“You suck!”
“Kurt Angle”
“What the hell am I doing here”
“Dun-da-da-da, da-da, da-da-da, Dun-da-da-da, da-da... Dun-dun, Dun-dun, Dun-dun, Dun-dun”
Kurtis Steven Angle (born December 9, 1968) is an American professional wrestler, actor, and retired amateur wrestler. Angle is one of the biggest stars in Total Nonstop Action (TNA) as well as the lead singer of Wham!. He is also known for a good match with Brock Lesnar, who he kissed on a show once and recently beat for the UFC 5000000000 pound weight championship. He is the phoenix of which the new era of wrestling has risen. He is a wrestling machine. He is also well known for many slogans in the WWE, including his three I's - "I used them only when prescribed by a doctor" "I did it legally" and "I am the king of crank". Angle claims that they are the reason he is so unstoppable. Luckily for him, balding didn't hurt his career. He has recently developed a Randy Couture fetish and has significantly changed his look, in order to hopefully kidnap Randy and step into his spot at UFC 102 to face Antonio Minotauro Nogueria without Dana White noticing.
KERRANG! Hole (TM, 2007, Scott Steiner) is currently in the midst of a terrible battle with his personal demons. Not to worry though, KERRANG! Hole's demons aren't the ones from scary movies with Freddy Kreuger or anything silly like that. No, KERR's demons drive him to consume excessive amounts all alcoholic drinks and all narcartic drugs and especially ketamine and another street drug simply known as "Cat". One day ANG! Hole will possibly die from this lifestyle which he will then be defeated by the Undertaker casket match. So, nobody will have to worry because it will all be taking care of when it's over and Paul Bearer will place these non-scary demons into an earn to give the undertaker more power so he can work, live, and wrestle for another 5 centuries, until the earn is set to flames by the undertakers, very attractive, beautiful skinned younger brother Kane sets the earn containing the non-scary demons on fire. Kurt will be taking care of and it will all work out in the end for everyone some how. WARNING Those who have just read this paragraph, PLEASE crack unless you are a trained professional that likes to whine, complain, and loves viemetmenies. If you are neither of the three, than back the fuck off.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Kurt Angle was born Kurt McDonald Nazi retard in Abredeen, Washington to Mexican parents Rupert Carlos Angle Murdoch and Beverly Maria Angle de Cobain (hence Kurt's mother's maiden name at the end of his. Inexplicably, only his parents middle names were Mexican). His parents, the doctor, and the nurses could all tell Kurt was a special baby, a baby bound for glory. Kurt weighed 0.1 pounds and none of it was fat. The next day he invented the angle slam and angle(ankle) lock, much to the dismay of other newborns in the nursery.
Kurt began wrestling MMA matches at age 4, winning the OVER 10000000000000lb weight class in the first 6 UFC tournaments before entering the Pride fat weight grand prix to an astounding 16 straights wins before entering elementary.
At the age of 8 young Kurt dropped out of Nazi Acadimy and joined the circus as a bearded lady. He eventually became tired of the bearded lady life, and snuck into a midget wrestling organization after cutting off his legs. Within a year, after watering and feeding his legs regularly, his legs grew into ultimate wrestling heroes. He named his left leg Hornswoggle and his right Dink. They are gay.
Age 15, he first saw his own middle leg which he called his "slim jim" and took Randy Savage's advice and "snapped into it".
Bored with wresling and increasingly intrigued in Rock And Roll Music, which had been invented sometime in 1988 by Biggie Smalls, Kurt decided to form the popular musical group Nirvana along with childhood friends, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin. However, despite the group's incredible success with the song "The Final Countdown", Kurt always felt out of place because his name did not begin with the letter "J". This led Kurt down a deep road of depression, which led him to a heroin addiction, and worse, marrying Courtney Love, the Bride of Frankenstein. When all the members of Nirvana died at 27, Kurt once again felt like he didn't belong, and so, he faked his death at 27 to get away from Courtney and the life he was leading, choosing to lie low for 2 years until he returned, winning the Olympics with a bullet still lodged in his skull, breaking his freakin' neck. Kurt then set his sights on following his dream to become a professional wrestler for Vince McMahon's WWF.
Olympic Days[edit | edit source]
After being kicked out of the midget wrestling league due to using obscene amounts of kitten huff, Kurt went to Penn State and wrestled for four years. When leaving Penn State with a 299-0-1 record. The only tie was when he went to pin the opponent, he tripped out of the ring. However, it was not a league match. Soon, Angle realized that he was bound for more glory than a midget championship and 4 college national championships.
Angle then decided to try out for the Olympics. Though he wasn't the biggest guy on the team, he was definitely the one on the most steroids. After only wrestling one match at the Olympic tryouts, team USA replaced the current team captain, Captain America, and made Kurt Angle their number one man. Over the course of 8 years Angle never lost an Olympic wrestling match and had already won 1 gold medal, going 299-0-1 again (he tripped over a frenchie and went out the ring. damn sneaky Europeans.) In the summer of 1996 Angle had only one match to go for his second gold medal, but a twist of fate struck Angle for the worst. While riding his chopper down the road a burrito flew out of nowhere and struck him and his bike, aggravating his injuries from having shot himself in the head in 1994. Angle refused to drop out of the gold medal match. He wrestled for 3 seconds before his head fell off after he tripped. After quickly recovering from his trip, the record was broken for fastest match ever when Kurt pinned a surprised Ronald Burgundy for his 2nd olympic Gold Medal.
He still doesn't shut up about how he won an Olympic Gold Medal with blue balls that he got the night before, while getting lapdances from his future wife, Karen.
Angle one time painted his balls blue, his dick white, and his ass red while he received his Gold Medal at the Olympics. He sent a message to all America and the world that they can suck his dick dry now that he is the world's greatest champion. He also told Juan Sammeraunch that if he ever took his medal away from him, he'll cut off the old man's fuckstick and jam it up his ass if he dared to try. The IOC never attempted to do so and just let Angle be what he wanted to be to the world: a complete fuck up!
Angle was voted by Sport's Illistrated as the Number One Fuck You of all time, a title given to him by the sport's writers.
World Wrestling Entertainment[edit | edit source]
After dominating every other form of entertainment (including crack dealing, braille teaching - in which he particularly excelled because he had a critically acclaimed class when taught the blind to differentiate between "the black people" and everyone else, which he entitled "Racism is ok most of the time. Kiss my white ass, Obama & Chaka", thus basically a class in self-defense, as well as playing the stunt double in Joanie Loves Chache), Kurt figured it was time to get some WWE action in. In meeting with the boss, Kurt threw out the idea of coming out as a character very close to home which included a red, white, and blue tattoo, ninja sword, seeing eye dog, upside-down cross, and a "Planet Jarrett" shirt. He captured the intercontinental title 12 times within his first year, such events included the "i fuck" match with Mother Theresa, ladder match against a random jobber where he called out Bruce Lee in a falls count anywhere that Angle would win. After the feud with Bruce Lee and Eddie Guerro and Bad News Brown and Carlito Colon, he boldly exclaimed "I admit, now I respect the yellow fellows and the wetbacks; they work hard as us Americans and thus I welcome them to my country. The Puerto Ricans and 'The Black People' - Where the hell is my ten speed bike?!?! Hact puh!" (pulling out his backstage-amusing Iron Sheik imitation for the first time in public)
After claiming the world championship from Stephanie McMahon, he once again "broke his freakin' neck" in a huge battle against the same jobber from last time and performed his very own surgery on his neck in the middle of the ring though while being assisted by notable indy wrestling star Sabu, in which he used 12 pounds of salt, 18 quarts of gasoline, a pack of star bursts wrappers and lots of steroids; all of which he conveniently carried around in his pocket. He then returned to headline Vince McMahon's new vision of ECW, but left quickly after finding out Paul Heyman wasn't really Paul Heyman but Vince's fat ass, which he later learned in his contract, was to be kissed by him and everybody else.
Vince McMahon once came up with a major Pay-Per-View star vs. star gimmick - the best boxer ever vs. the best wrestler - meaning Angle vs. Mike Tyson. After a few warm ups in preparation for the major match, Angle became majorly frustrated with Tyson calling Angle "Angie" unintentionally, and was offended by Tyson inferring "I'll eat your kids." Angle refused to participate in the match, and was handed a microphone and walked out of the ring during the middle of the SummerSlang pay-per-view. Once Angle got backstage, he appeared on the Titon Tron (TM) and mockingly talked in an effeminate voice and said "I beat up Robin Givens, and my favorite meal is ears, except when I am in the mood for fried chicken and decided to act like one, minus the 'fried' part" then proceeded to leave in a limo waiting for him along with fellow Pittsburger, Shane Douglas. It was discovered Shane's illegitimate brother, Buster Douglas, was the limo driver later.
Angle did return on the next night for Monday Night Raw (wearing special headgear to protect his ears in case Tyson attacked him) and stated "This is a shoot. I beat Brock Lesnar's ass even though he's white and my friend. Tyson, you have none of those qualities, therefore I will have no problem beating your ass like they did in Roots and pretending it's 1937 and we're in Georgia. Ever heard the term 'Back Of The Bus' my friend? Probably not, because you can't read" and challenged him to the first "Loser Picks The Cotton And Makes The Winner A Shirt" match in history. Tyson, who's contract had just expired under Don King, never responded.
The next week Angle appeared on RAW in Pittsburgh alongside Buster Douglas and said "Oh, surprise surprise. Uncle Tom isn't here tonight. It's true, oh yeah, it's damn true." Douglas did his best Virgil imitation and just nodded.
Total No Action Wrestling[edit | edit source]
Kurt entered TNA (Total No Action) in 2006, turning it from a two person wrestling organization based in Madagascar into the lousiest sports entertainment business of those that regularly tape professional wrestling matches at Universal Studios Florida. Kurt has overcome his weaknesses of the almighty steriod (of which he tried to legally marry) and his insane ability to break his freakin neck to take TNA to heights never before dreamed - including a live card in St. Louis. Still, Kurt maintains his second job as a tap dancer for the musical Cats, Guys in Drag, and the lead role as Little Women as Janite. With his time off, Kurt is usually dealing with his homies out in Compton; its a well known fact that during his WWE days you could hear him screaming things like "I'm not your bitch, oh no, you're my bitch so get in my ass baby, Oh its true its damn true!". It was soon after this he left the company due to "legal" issues (aka Not a big enough supply of crack and 2% low fat milk). But lets not focus on the past and flash to the present day where he just lost the Lethal Lockdown match due to him falling off a building and breaking his freaking neck.
Kurt was beaten within an inch of his life by John Cena (that random jobber that grew up to be Superman in the WWE) and the entire TNA locker room (even the interns) after a TNA event in Nowhere, New South Whales. Reports say that the attackers used a variety of weapons to beat him into a bloody pulp; including a large knife, a bottle of 40 minigun, and a lamp post. Angle is still alive, but is said to have broken his arms, legs, big toe, spine, and, of course, neck. He also lost a large amount of blood, and his head fell off again. The world is overjoyed that Angle finally got beaten that bad Hoo-the fuck-Ray. But Kurt Angle lives. Oh its REAL!! ITS DAMN REAL!!
Recently, a New Jersey Resident and God began talks to trade Kurt Angle's soul for the soul of Eddie Guerrero. The talks began after the NJ man yelled out, "DIE EDDIE!" and god replied, "Well, you have someone else who can take his spot?"
Currently, Guerrero and Angle will swap in early 2011. Eddie will come back riding a donkey and singing Daft Punk's famous hit Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger entirely in Spanish while drinking a case of Coronas; while Angle will get shot by the NJ guy with a squitgun and then stabbed repeatedly by John Cena. It could be worse for Kurt, he could be forced to die in a badly set up and poorly executed limo explosion.
Career highlights[edit | edit source]
- Hired by the WWE(World wanking Entertainment) in the summer of 1999 and has since held every possible title in the WWE. Except John Cena's spinner belt. He didn't have enough quarters for them.
- Defeated Val Venis for the European title on February 10, 2000.
- Defeated Chris Jericho for the Intercontinental title on February 11, 2000.
- Gave the WWE Championship to Stone Cold Steve Austin. Let Stone Cold Steve Austin give him six Stone Cold Stunners. His head fell off yet again. Pinned Stone Cold Steve Austin to become a 3 time WWE Champion.
- Tagged with [ DOESN'T EXIST, NEVER DID EXIST YOU NEVER HEARD OF HIM EVER ] to defeat Edge and Rey Mysterio to become the first ever Smackdown Tag Team Champion. But because Edge and Rey are not American and Rey is a hero to midget Mexican 8 year olds worldwide, the match was recast with Angle overdosing on steroids and going to kill his partners family, and thus the match was a 2 on 1 handicap match.
- Wrestled in TNA as "The Headless Cabby" while also working in the WWE
- Formed the Main Event Mafia, otherwise known as the greatest stable in professional wrestling.
- Invented the Internet
- Became the first man to polish his head with Mr. Clean, the polish that makes you so clean.
- Fired by the WWE for being "too gay for Ray," HBK's words exactly.
- Once consumed 70 pills of vicodin in a single day...for 2 years straight.
- Defeated Akuma in Super Street Fighter II Turbo for the 3D0.
- Had a real life feud with WarMachine that resulted in Angle's addiction to painkillers.
- Kurt Angle angle slammed the dick. OH IT'S TRUE! IT'S DAMN TRUE!! (In TNA, he'd say "OH IT'S DAMN REAL" thanks to copyright laws[Unless you're a goddamn hippie named Mick Foley. You can run Mick, but Papa Vince will find you, and he will eat your pancreas.)
- Kurt, Due to copyright laws, had to legally change his name to Kurt Cobain in 2008.
- A Kurt Angle is 90°
- Two Kurt Angles make DDP's hand sign.
- Two Kurt Angles held apart make Zack Ryder's hand sign.
- Kurt Angle pushed Edge off the edge.
- Kurt Angle converted Christian. He also put Christian in a cage.
- Kurt Angle always drinks a big glass of milk and brushes his teeth before visiting The Sandman in a Tommy Dreamer
- A Kurt Angle can only be parallel to another Kurt Angle, oh and Sting.
- Kurt Angle impregnated Stephanie McMahon; according to J.R., gave her a "Double A spinebuster" and clinched in his Angle Lock into her Pedigree, which caused him to break his freaking neck
- Allegedly won some gold medals at an Oly...oh wait, this isn't Mark Henry.
- Actually retired Ric Flair. Shawn Michaels said "I'm Sorry. I Love You" to Kurt, because as Shawn was kicking, Kurt ran into the ring and knocked Flair out with his gumshield. He was so quick nobody saw him.
- Defeated Stone Cold Steve Austin at Summerspam 2001 by DQ after kicking out of 36.7432424 Stone Cold Stunners.
- Had his head shaved. And then his skull.
- Got the pin in a Hell in a Cell Match ... without actually competing in it.
- Lied to Michael Cole about never tapping out to anyone, especially The Undertaker, when he did at Wrestlemania 16 to Jericho
- Was an Olympic Hero without an actual super hero gimmick...bloody hell how did that happen?
- Buried alive by The Undertaker
- Got arrested after trying to hit on 90yr old nanny!
- Kurt has been well know to carry a "BMF" wallet, and lays it out wherever he walks into and the clerk knows what he wants.
- Kurt had recently surpassed the "Chuck Norris doesn't do pushups, it's him pushing the world away from him" record with a total of 1422 "push-aways" in 96 minutes.
- He regularly enjoys a round of Scrabble on Wednesday nights with his partners Richard Dawson, Junior Soprano, and Bob Pollard (the singer from notable indie rock band Guided By Voices).
- Kurt was recently quoted in the Pittsburgh Gazette as saying "to say I am not a fan of the black people, is a criminally bigger understatement than saying Jesus wasn't a fan of Satan." after his arrest due to girlfriend / '80s pop star Chaka Khan. "If it's the last thing I do, I will single handedly Angle Slam the African continent and tap them out. I'm YOUR AMERICAN Olympic hero." he concluded. It's also been noted that Kurt was the victim of many Nigerian scam emails, hence where some of his anger towards the negro race lies.
- Also unbeknown to most was that Angle originally auditioned for the HBO series, True Blood for the role of Jason Stackhouse. The reviewers thought he was perfect for the role and complimented him on his acting, and he replied "Oh, I'm supposed to be acting? I wasn't acting. It's true.". This made the producers of the show very uncomfortable and thus the role eventually was given to actor Ryan Kwanten.
- Kurt recently auditioned for the VH1 series, "Celebrity Rehab", and was accepted for the next season. Other scheduled guests include Lindsay Lohan, Michael Vick, former pornographer Max Hardcore, as well as Kevin Federline, who accepted the role after he was told that "Celebrity Fat Camp" had already cast all of next season's roles.
- Kurt issued a challenge to all memebers of the Taliban that he would take them all out in one swift move inside the ring. He would challenge them all to a gaunlet match held at Bagram Air Base in Afghanistan during a TNA Live broadcast in June of 2009. The match took place in the ring but an explosian occured during the matchup and Kurt escaped injury from that incident. Thought to be a suicide bomber, it was one of the Taliban's lackeys that lit a match after he ripped a huge fart that caused the explosian, killing them all. The match was ruled a win for Kurt by DQ due to the Taliban's WMD that they were about to use as a weapon against him during the matchup. The Taliban since has declared jihad against Kurt Angle.
- Is now called "The Godfather of all dickheads" to his fans because of his dick shaped head.
Titles held[edit | edit source]
- 2 and a half time Midget League Champion- defeated Porky(1st) ,Little Bastard(2nd), co-held the title with Mascarita Sagrada (1/2)
- 4 time NCAA National Champion- defeated Rock Plesnar(1st-3rd), Sylvester Terkay(4th)
- 2 time Olympic gold medalist- defeated Zangief Yeltzen(1st), Ronald Burgundy(2nd)
- 1 time European Champion- defeated The Great Khali in a bra and panties on a pole match.
- 1 time Intercontinental Champion- defeated Funaki in a panty hose, inferno, suck a dick on a bridge match.
- 1 time Hardcore Champion- defeated Rob Van Dam in a "Who can do more illegal drugs" 60-Minute Ironman Match
- 1 time WWE Tag Team Champion- partner SOMEONE WHO DID NOT KILL HIS WIFE AND KIDS- defeated Edge and Rey (and Hornswoggle, to make it even).
- 1 time Women's Champion- defeated Chyna in a peeing contest.
- 1 time Cheerios Eating Champion- defeated his penis
- 1 time United States Champion- defeated a coffee table.
- 37.384 time MMA Champion - defeated Chuck Lidell, Ken Shamrock, and Tito Ortiz in a 3-on-1 handicap match
- 1 time Super gay championship- given to him for being the most dominant force in his ass.
- 5 time World Heavyweight Champion- defeated The Rock(1st), Stone Cold(2nd),The Big Show(3rd), Brock Lesnar(4th) Big Gay Al(5th)
- 1 time Divas Champion- defeated Santino Marella in a lingerie "paddle on a pole" match.
- 1 time TNA X Division Champion - defeated Samoa Joe in a head shaving contest
- 1 time TNA Tag Team Champion - partner his right hand - defeated Samoa Joe and his right hand
- 2007 divorce championship with Karen Angle
- 1 time Sell Out Champion- Awarded the championship after he sold out and went to Total Nonstop Action
- 1 time I Made Jesus Tapout Champion- Awarded when he contacted Michael J. Fox and purchased his Flux Capacitor when Fox needed money for his Parkinson's disease treatments. There was much controversy over the actual match since Angle had snuck up behind Jesus and strangled him with Jesus' own Crown Of Thorns yet it was barely visible since his gold medals were in the way, but the referee (noted KKK member David Duke, who had traveled with Kurt back to B.C. to make sure "Whitey gets treated fair") hadn't "noticed" and thus awarded the victory to Angle. Paul Heyman noted: "Kurt, I could have gotten you that title match 10 years ago had you not left the ECW show in 1996 over what I thought was you being offended by the Sandman / Raven crucifixion angle and and thought you were a good church attending Christian. I didn't realize you only left because Francine farted and you couldn't handle the smell." Kurt is still the current titleholder although Rodney King stole the DeLorean back and sold it for crack cocaine money, and thus Kurt was unable to travel back in time to give Jesus a rematch, and Jesus was not advanced enough to have access to such modern technology. While not being announced as so, the title is considered unofficially inactive because of this. This is also believed to be the main reason that Kurt stopped liking "the black people". We are currently unsure if his dislike for "the black people" was because of the Rodney King incident, having fallen for at least 8 noted Nigerian scam emails, or that when he finally went back in time, he discovered that Jesus was really black when going 'back to the future' when using aforementioned Flux Capacitor / DeLorean and came home complaining to close friends "That was more like going BLACK to the future. Please give me a few somas."
Quotable quotes[edit | edit source]
"Oh it's Fake it's damn fake. Karen, go make me a Betty Crocker cake. Wanna know what IS real? The black people and Puerto Ricans steal. Stephanie once let me cop a feel. I prefer being the heel. Cracker Barrel is where me and Lance Storm will buy our next meal. I suck? No Mr. Homeless Negro, I can't spare a buck. My wife is living with Jarrett - what the fuck?! Vinny Mac, please take me back. I promise to lay off the crack. HGH? At least I don't owe my wife nearly as much money as The Naitch." - from his current single / #1 club hit "Dixie Ain't No Pixie".
