The Most Quotable Smackdown of All Time
“There was a Smackdown....and I wasn't informed?!”
“It all started one day when I was walking through a flower garden and writing poetry.” – Oscar Wilde “As I recall, you were actually smoking crack.” – Winston Churchill “That's ridiculous. I was reflecting on the inner beauty of the the soul of the lonely, dignified carnation.” – Oscar Wilde “A carnation called compulsive shoplifting” – Mark Twain “I was not shoplifting! And anyway, it's not stealing if they're free.” – Oscar Wilde “Yes, and it's also not stealing if the shop owner catches you and beats you. Quite simply, good sir, you suck at shoplifting.” – Mark Twain “Dude, I don't suck, you suck.” – Oscar Wilde “No, I agree, you suck.” – Winston Churchill “There is only one thing worse than sucking, and that is not sucking.” – Oscar Wilde “And I do not suck.” – Oscar Wilde “Let's take a vote on it.” – Winston Churchill “Sucks.” – Mark Twain “Sucks.” – Winston Churchill “Fine. Let's see how many quotes are on all your making up quotes pages.” – Oscar Wilde “...” – incorporealescence “Not so many!” – Oscar Wilde “...” – incorporealescence “So what? People don't want to make up our quotes because they know they could never match our wit. We're far too cool.” – Winston Churchill “I'm so cool, I'm talking in green."” – Mark Twain
“I'm so cool, I'm talking in green, And I'm going to put a headline right here just because I feel like it!” – Winston Churchill
OSCAR WILDE IS A SOCKFLOBBIT
“Ha ha ha ha ha!” – Mark Twain “I am not a sockflobbit!” – Oscar Wilde “You can't not be a sockflobbit, Oscar. It's written right there on the internet. It must be true.” – Mark Twain “I'm so cool, I-” – Winston Churchill “Shut up shut up SHUT UP!” – Ambrose Bierce “All right. Shut up. Everybody!” – Oscar Wilde “[silence]” – incorporealescence “Wee-ooo-wee-ooo!” – Mark Twain “SHUT UP!” – Oscar Wilde “NO! You shut up, hippie!” – Mark Twain “[silence]” – incorporealescence “Anyway, I was walking through the flower garden, when I saw Winston Churchill knocking up... wait, I mean 'over', a baby carriage.” – Oscar Wilde “Ha ha ha ha ha ha!” – Mark Twain “The stupid baby was making faces.” – Winston Churchill “I said, 'Why Winston, that is not an act becoming of a world leader such as yourself!'” – Oscar Wilde “He was drunk, wasn't he?” – Mark Twain “Well, I suppose I did take a little beer during my stroll.” – Oscar Wilde “Ya. They sold beer right next to the lillies.” – Winston Churchill “Ha ha ha ha ha!” – Mark Twain “And anyway, it wasn't beer. It was scotch.” – Winston Churchill “...” – incorporealescence “A lot of scotch.” – Winston Churchill “Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I'm drunk right now!” – Mark Twain “Man, Oscar! You were so tanked.” – Winston Churchill “Incidently, Wilde, I just read Dorian Gray last week.” – Mark Twain “You read it drunk, I suppose.” – Oscar Wilde “Of course! I needed to be drunk. That book sucked. I mean, If I wasn't reading it drunk I think my head would have imploded.” – Mark Twain “Hey! I'll have you know that that book is taught in high schools throughout the world!” – Oscar Wilde “I remember when my professor introduced that book. He said, 'Class, this book is stupid and it sucks. I'm assigning it to you as torture. I'll expect a twenty page report next Friday.'” – Winston Churchill “[Ahem!] I TOLD WINSTON THAT HIS BEHAVIOUR WAS UNBECOMING. HE WAS UNCOOPERATIVE.” – Oscar Wilde “You threatened to kick me in the shin! Do you expect me to cooperate?” – Winston Churchill “I POLITELY TOLD HIM THAT HE HAD BEST CEASE HIS BEHAVIOUR FOR HIS OWN BENEFIT. HE CONTINUED TO ACCOST THE INFANT, SO I TOOK APPROPRIATE ACTION.” – Oscar Wilde “You call shooting at me with an AK-47 appropriate action!?” – Winston Churchill “It was an M-16.” – Oscar Wilde “Well, at least he's patriotic. (Nice gun).” – Mark Twain “I was in the process of subduing this dignified statesman, when Mark Twain showed up. He thought our situation absolutely hilarious, so he sat on a bench and laughed. Winston, then, kicked him in the shin.” – Oscar Wilde “He deserved it.” – Winston Churchill “Yeah, I kind of did.” – Mark Twain “But you didn't expect me to be carrying an axe of dignity!” – Mark Twain “And then Mark Twain chopped Winston Churchill's head off.” – Oscar Wilde “[silence]” – incorporealescence “I got better.” – Winston Churchill “Say, by the way, Wilde. What's the deal with all this 'behaviour' stuff. It's 'behavior,' you English bastard. Spell it right!” – Mark Twain “-Ahem!- So there I was, me with nothing but my morals-” – Oscar Wilde “I wish it would have been "nothing but your morals and your pants.” – Winston Churchill “Me with nothing but my morals and insane Mark Twain, swinging an ax at me in blood-lust!” – Oscar Wilde “I wouldn't call it bloodlust. I had a faint desire for a little blood, maybe.” – Mark Twain “And he chopped my head off!” – Oscar Wilde “Well you shot me in nose! You got better, but I still can't smell a thing!” – Mark Twain “Wait a minute, Bob Dole wants in on this.” – Bob Dole “Oh damn. Now he's here.” – Oscar Wilde “Please Escort Bob Dole away, Mr. Twain!” – Winston Churchill “AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!” – Mark Twain “Mark Twain stumbles to the ground, thus failing his removal attempt, and in the accident chops his own head off” – Smackdown Announcer “I guess you shouldn't try that while you're drunk, huh Mark?” – Winston Churchill “That's gotta hurt!” – Oscar Wilde “What? so is he dead now?” – Bob Dole “I'm afraid so.” – Winston Churchill “That's a shame.” – Oscar Wilde “No, wait! I'm okay!” – Mark Twain “I thought you were dead, Mark!” – Oscar Wilde “Stop being such a sockflobbit.” – Mark Twain “I'll show you who's the sockflobbit, you axe-mad yank! Wilde force attack!” – Oscar Wilde “Wait! Stop it! Bob Dole won't have this!” – Winston Churchill “Yeah! Bob Dole won't have this!” – Bob Dole “And what'll you do about it, Dole!” – Oscar Wilde “Bob Dole is calling... Bill Clinton!” – ~Bob Dole “Hi y'all.” – Bill Clinton “Hi, Bill” – Bob Dole “So, y'all want to fight, huh?” – Bill Clinton “They do, Bill” – Bob Dole “And I'll bet y'all hate eachother's guts, right.” – Bill Clinton “Sure do, Bill.” – Bob Dole “Well, whenever I find myself wanting to punch Oscar Wilde in the face, I like to sing a little song. It goes like this-"” – Bill Clinton “[Ring Ring]” – a cell phone “Uh huh, Uh huh. But Hillary I- Yeah, alright. Uh huh. Okay. Bye Bye.” – Bill Clinton “Well, it looks like Buddy ate Socks. I probably should go.” – Bill Clinton “Bye Bill.” – Bob Dole “Bye Bob.” – Bill Clinton “...” – incorporealescence “Now, where were we?” – Oscar Wilde “Fighting! EEEEEEAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” – Mark Twain “Wildeforce 9! Buzzsaw mode!” – Oscar Wilde “[Twenty seconds later]” – Sun Tzu “Egad! That was the most horrible bloodbath I've ever seen between two notable nineteenth century writers since the last time this happened!” – Winston Churchill “Owwwwww...” – Oscar Wilde “uuuuhhhhh...” – Mark Twain “Uhh... wow.” – Bob Dole “So, Bob Dole...” – Winston Churchill “Yeah.” – Bob Dole “Want to get a burger?” – Winston Churchill “Yeah.” – Bob Dole “Wait a minute. You guys haven't finished your testimony yet.” – Judge “Oh right, that.” – Winston Churchill “Well, Bob Dole's going to go get a burger anyway. See ya Churchill.” – Bob Dole “Yeah, see you Bob.” – Winston Churchill “Now, where was I?” – Winston Churchill “Twain just chopped Wilde's head off.” – Judge “Yes, Twain had just chopped Wilde's head off. And mine had grown back just in time to see Twain's victory dance.” – Winston Churchill “Your What had just grown back?” – Judge “My head.” – Winston Churchill “Oh... Wait. What?” – Judge “My head. You see, in the late 1800s, I had acquired a -- never mind. Ask Poe about it sometimes. He tells the story much better than I do. Anyway, Twain did this kind of a Salsa dance with a little bit of a Cha Cha twist and I thought the whole production looked rather feminine. An Oscar Wilde joke came to mind, but I didn't say it, because I feel I'm a better man than that.” – Winston Churchill “I see.” – Judge “I observed that Mark Twain hadn't yet realized that my head had grown back, so I decided to surprise him with a mighty yell: 'EEEEAAAAAGGHHHHEEEEEAAAAGGGGGHHHHNNNNNNGGGGGG!'” – Winston Churchill “Ohhhh...” – Oscar Wilde “I can...just...barely...remember...that, because of all... the... searing pain... I'm experiencing... right now.” – Oscar Wilde “So your head had grown back by this point too?” – Judge “Of course.” – Winston Churchill “So I screamed my mighty cry, and Mark Twain, in response, cried like a little girl.” – Winston Churchill “I saw Oscar sneak up behind Twain, and crouch as if ready to trip him. So I pushed Mark Twain over Wilde into the fuming volcano below. His dying words were, 'Ham and eggs!'” – Winston Churchill “I was hungry.” – Mark Twain “But he's not dead. Actually, he's died two other times and he was dead just now, but he's still not dead!” – Judge “You can't kill Mark Twain, judge. He's an immortal piece of Nineteenth Century Americana.” – Winston Churchill “That is so corny.” – Oscar Wilde “And you, too, survived decapitation for similar reasons.” – Judge “Naturally.” – Winston Churchill “So why are you three in court, anyway?” – Judge “Beats me, you're the one who-- Oh wait, I remember now. That was when the cops arrested us later, for trying to hijack that car.” – Winston Churchill “You stole a car!?” – Judge “Tried to.” – Winston Churchill “We were all so drunk.” – Oscar Wilde “Heh heh. How where we to know it was the President's limo?” – Mark Twain “And Bob Dole caught us.” – Winston Churchill “He would.” – Judge “He said, 'Bob Dole doesn't like Grand Theft Auto...'” – Winston Churchill “I do, San Andreas was freakin' sweet!” – Mark Twain “...Then he beat us all to a pulp with Dole-Jitsu, and brought us in here.” – Winston Churchill “May I say something?” – Sylvia Plath “What do you want?” – Mark Twain “I want to know...how life is like for the average teenager living in England.” – Sylvia Plath “[silence]” – incorporealescence “We're done now.” – Winston Churchill “[silence]” – incorporealescence “Well, having heard from all parties involved...” – Judge “I deem you all insane, and condemn you to a life of editing Uncyclopedia 23 hours a day, and listening to William Shatner sing for the other hour.” – Judge “And that's why Oscar Wilde has contributed so much to Uncyclopedia over the past 6 months.” – Bob Dole “That, and the fact that he has to outdo Mark Twain, such childish behaviour.” – Winston Churchill “George Bush doesn't care about any of you!” – Kanye West “George Bush doesn't care about black people. Oh god, we're all going to Hell!” – Sylvia Plath “Ask not if George Bush cares for any of us, but if any of us care about George Bush.” – Oscar Wilde “ *Bursting In* OOGA BOOGA WHERE THE WHITE WOMEN AT?!” – Lenin “Shut up! Just shut up!” – Oscar Wilde “But what about the black people?!” – Kanye West “Yes, what about those damned Negro's?! Did I mention we're all going to Hell in big Chinese ovens?” – Sylvia Plath “I apologize for this Smackdown.” – George Bush “In Soviet Russia, Smackdown apologizes for YOU!.” – Lenin
