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The Most Quotable Smackdown of All Time

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“There was a Smackdown....and I wasn't informed?!”

~ Lord Byron on The Most Quotable Smackdown of All Time
Oscar Wilde (right) pointing out how much of a pussy Winston Churchill (center) is, after Mark Twain (left) punched Churchill in the nose.
“It all started one day when I was walking through a flower garden and writing poetry.”

 Oscar Wilde

“As I recall, you were actually smoking crack.”

 Winston Churchill

“That's ridiculous. I was reflecting on the inner beauty of the the soul of the lonely, dignified carnation.”

 Oscar Wilde

“A carnation called compulsive shoplifting”

 Mark Twain

“I was not shoplifting! And anyway, it's not stealing if they're free.”

 Oscar Wilde

“Yes, and it's also not stealing if the shop owner catches you and beats you. Quite simply, good sir, you suck at shoplifting.”

 Mark Twain

“Dude, I don't suck, you suck.”

 Oscar Wilde

“No, I agree, you suck.”

 Winston Churchill

“There is only one thing worse than sucking, and that is not sucking.”

 Oscar Wilde

“And I do not suck.”

 Oscar Wilde

“Let's take a vote on it.”

 Winston Churchill

“Sucks.”

 Mark Twain

“Sucks.”

 Winston Churchill

“Fine. Let's see how many quotes are on all your making up quotes pages.”

 Oscar Wilde

“...”

 incorporealescence

“Not so many!”

 Oscar Wilde

“...”

 incorporealescence

“So what? People don't want to make up our quotes because they know they could never match our wit. We're far too cool.”

 Winston Churchill

“I'm so cool, I'm talking in green."”

 Mark Twain

“I'm so cool, I'm talking in green, And I'm going to put a headline right here just because I feel like it!”

 Winston Churchill

OSCAR WILDE IS A SOCKFLOBBIT

“Ha ha ha ha ha!”

 Mark Twain

“I am not a sockflobbit!”

 Oscar Wilde

“You can't not be a sockflobbit, Oscar. It's written right there on the internet. It must be true.”

 Mark Twain

“I'm so cool, I-”

 Winston Churchill

“Shut up shut up SHUT UP!”

 Ambrose Bierce

“All right. Shut up. Everybody!”

 Oscar Wilde

“[silence]”

 incorporealescence

“Wee-ooo-wee-ooo!”

 Mark Twain

“SHUT UP!”

 Oscar Wilde

“NO! You shut up, hippie!”

 Mark Twain

“[silence]”

 incorporealescence

“Anyway, I was walking through the flower garden, when I saw Winston Churchill knocking up... wait, I mean 'over', a baby carriage.”

 Oscar Wilde

“Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

 Mark Twain

“The stupid baby was making faces.”

 Winston Churchill

“I said, 'Why Winston, that is not an act becoming of a world leader such as yourself!'”

 Oscar Wilde

“He was drunk, wasn't he?”

 Mark Twain

“Well, I suppose I did take a little beer during my stroll.”

 Oscar Wilde

“Ya. They sold beer right next to the lillies.”

 Winston Churchill

“Ha ha ha ha ha!”

 Mark Twain

“And anyway, it wasn't beer. It was scotch.”

 Winston Churchill

“...”

 incorporealescence

“A lot of scotch.”

 Winston Churchill

“Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I'm drunk right now!”

 Mark Twain

“Man, Oscar! You were so tanked.”

 Winston Churchill

“Incidently, Wilde, I just read Dorian Gray last week.”

 Mark Twain

“You read it drunk, I suppose.”

 Oscar Wilde

“Of course! I needed to be drunk. That book sucked. I mean, If I wasn't reading it drunk I think my head would have imploded.”

 Mark Twain

“Hey! I'll have you know that that book is taught in high schools throughout the world!”

 Oscar Wilde

“I remember when my professor introduced that book. He said, 'Class, this book is stupid and it sucks. I'm assigning it to you as torture. I'll expect a twenty page report next Friday.'”

 Winston Churchill

“[Ahem!] I TOLD WINSTON THAT HIS BEHAVIOUR WAS UNBECOMING. HE WAS UNCOOPERATIVE.”

 Oscar Wilde

“You threatened to kick me in the shin! Do you expect me to cooperate?”

 Winston Churchill

“I POLITELY TOLD HIM THAT HE HAD BEST CEASE HIS BEHAVIOUR FOR HIS OWN BENEFIT. HE CONTINUED TO ACCOST THE INFANT, SO I TOOK APPROPRIATE ACTION.”

 Oscar Wilde

“You call shooting at me with an AK-47 appropriate action!?”

 Winston Churchill

“It was an M-16.”

 Oscar Wilde

“Well, at least he's patriotic. (Nice gun).”

 Mark Twain

“I was in the process of subduing this dignified statesman, when Mark Twain showed up. He thought our situation absolutely hilarious, so he sat on a bench and laughed. Winston, then, kicked him in the shin.”

 Oscar Wilde

“He deserved it.”

 Winston Churchill

“Yeah, I kind of did.”

 Mark Twain

“But you didn't expect me to be carrying an axe of dignity!

 Mark Twain

“And then Mark Twain chopped Winston Churchill's head off.”

 Oscar Wilde

“[silence]”

 incorporealescence

“I got better.”

 Winston Churchill

“Say, by the way, Wilde. What's the deal with all this 'behaviour' stuff. It's 'behavior,' you English bastard. Spell it right!”

 Mark Twain

“-Ahem!- So there I was, me with nothing but my morals-”

 Oscar Wilde

“I wish it would have been "nothing but your morals and your pants.”

 Winston Churchill

“Me with nothing but my morals and insane Mark Twain, swinging an ax at me in blood-lust!”

 Oscar Wilde

“I wouldn't call it bloodlust. I had a faint desire for a little blood, maybe.”

 Mark Twain

“And he chopped my head off!”

 Oscar Wilde

“Well you shot me in nose! You got better, but I still can't smell a thing!”

 Mark Twain

“Wait a minute, Bob Dole wants in on this.”

 Bob Dole

“Oh damn. Now he's here.”

 Oscar Wilde

“Please Escort Bob Dole away, Mr. Twain!”

 Winston Churchill

“AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!”

 Mark Twain

Mark Twain stumbles to the ground, thus failing his removal attempt, and in the accident chops his own head off

 Smackdown Announcer

“I guess you shouldn't try that while you're drunk, huh Mark?”

 Winston Churchill

“That's gotta hurt!”

 Oscar Wilde

“What? so is he dead now?”

 Bob Dole

“I'm afraid so.”

 Winston Churchill

“That's a shame.”

 Oscar Wilde

“No, wait! I'm okay!”

 Mark Twain

“I thought you were dead, Mark!”

 Oscar Wilde

“Stop being such a sockflobbit.”

 Mark Twain

“I'll show you who's the sockflobbit, you axe-mad yank! Wilde force attack!”

 Oscar Wilde

“Wait! Stop it! Bob Dole won't have this!”

 Winston Churchill

“Yeah! Bob Dole won't have this!”

 Bob Dole

“And what'll you do about it, Dole!”

 Oscar Wilde

“Bob Dole is calling... Bill Clinton!”

 ~Bob Dole

“Hi y'all.”

 Bill Clinton

“Hi, Bill”

 Bob Dole

“So, y'all want to fight, huh?”

 Bill Clinton

“They do, Bill”

 Bob Dole

“And I'll bet y'all hate eachother's guts, right.”

 Bill Clinton

“Sure do, Bill.”

 Bob Dole

“Well, whenever I find myself wanting to punch Oscar Wilde in the face, I like to sing a little song. It goes like this-"”

 Bill Clinton

“[Ring Ring]”

 a cell phone

“Uh huh, Uh huh. But Hillary I- Yeah, alright. Uh huh. Okay. Bye Bye.”

 Bill Clinton

“Well, it looks like Buddy ate Socks. I probably should go.”

 Bill Clinton

“Bye Bill.”

 Bob Dole

“Bye Bob.”

 Bill Clinton

“...”

 incorporealescence

“Now, where were we?”

 Oscar Wilde

“Fighting! EEEEEEAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

 Mark Twain

“Wildeforce 9! Buzzsaw mode!”

 Oscar Wilde

“[Twenty seconds later]”

 Sun Tzu

“Egad! That was the most horrible bloodbath I've ever seen between two notable nineteenth century writers since the last time this happened!”

 Winston Churchill

“Owwwwww...”

 Oscar Wilde

“uuuuhhhhh...”

 Mark Twain

“Uhh... wow.”

 Bob Dole

“So, Bob Dole...”

 Winston Churchill

“Yeah.”

 Bob Dole

“Want to get a burger?”

 Winston Churchill

“Yeah.”

 Bob Dole

“Wait a minute. You guys haven't finished your testimony yet.”

 Judge

“Oh right, that.”

 Winston Churchill

“Well, Bob Dole's going to go get a burger anyway. See ya Churchill.”

 Bob Dole

“Yeah, see you Bob.”

 Winston Churchill

“Now, where was I?”

 Winston Churchill

“Twain just chopped Wilde's head off.”

 Judge

“Yes, Twain had just chopped Wilde's head off. And mine had grown back just in time to see Twain's victory dance.”

 Winston Churchill

“Your What had just grown back?”

 Judge

“My head.”

 Winston Churchill

“Oh... Wait. What?”

 Judge

“My head. You see, in the late 1800s, I had acquired a -- never mind. Ask Poe about it sometimes. He tells the story much better than I do. Anyway, Twain did this kind of a Salsa dance with a little bit of a Cha Cha twist and I thought the whole production looked rather feminine. An Oscar Wilde joke came to mind, but I didn't say it, because I feel I'm a better man than that.”

 Winston Churchill

“I see.”

 Judge

“I observed that Mark Twain hadn't yet realized that my head had grown back, so I decided to surprise him with a mighty yell: 'EEEEAAAAAGGHHHHEEEEEAAAAGGGGGHHHHNNNNNNGGGGGG!'”

 Winston Churchill

“Ohhhh...”

 Oscar Wilde

“I can...just...barely...remember...that, because of all... the... searing pain... I'm experiencing... right now.”

 Oscar Wilde

“So your head had grown back by this point too?”

 Judge

“Of course.”

 Winston Churchill

“So I screamed my mighty cry, and Mark Twain, in response, cried like a little girl.”

 Winston Churchill

“I saw Oscar sneak up behind Twain, and crouch as if ready to trip him. So I pushed Mark Twain over Wilde into the fuming volcano below. His dying words were, 'Ham and eggs!'”

 Winston Churchill

“I was hungry.”

 Mark Twain

“But he's not dead. Actually, he's died two other times and he was dead just now, but he's still not dead!”

 Judge

“You can't kill Mark Twain, judge. He's an immortal piece of Nineteenth Century Americana.

 Winston Churchill

“That is so corny.”

 Oscar Wilde

“And you, too, survived decapitation for similar reasons.”

 Judge

“Naturally.”

 Winston Churchill

“So why are you three in court, anyway?”

 Judge

“Beats me, you're the one who-- Oh wait, I remember now. That was when the cops arrested us later, for trying to hijack that car.”

 Winston Churchill

“You stole a car!?”

 Judge

“Tried to.”

 Winston Churchill

“We were all so drunk.”

 Oscar Wilde

“Heh heh. How where we to know it was the President's limo?”

 Mark Twain

“And Bob Dole caught us.”

 Winston Churchill

“He would.”

 Judge

“He said, 'Bob Dole doesn't like Grand Theft Auto...'”

 Winston Churchill

“I do, San Andreas was freakin' sweet!”

 Mark Twain

“...Then he beat us all to a pulp with Dole-Jitsu, and brought us in here.”

 Winston Churchill

“May I say something?”

 Sylvia Plath

“What do you want?”

 Mark Twain

“I want to know...how life is like for the average teenager living in England.”

 Sylvia Plath

“[silence]”

 incorporealescence

“We're done now.”

 Winston Churchill

“[silence]”

 incorporealescence

“Well, having heard from all parties involved...”

 Judge

“I deem you all insane, and condemn you to a life of editing Uncyclopedia 23 hours a day, and listening to William Shatner sing for the other hour.”

 Judge

“And that's why Oscar Wilde has contributed so much to Uncyclopedia over the past 6 months.”

 Bob Dole

“That, and the fact that he has to outdo Mark Twain, such childish behaviour.”

 Winston Churchill

“George Bush doesn't care about any of you!”

 Kanye West

“George Bush doesn't care about black people. Oh god, we're all going to Hell!”

 Sylvia Plath

“Ask not if George Bush cares for any of us, but if any of us care about George Bush.”

 Oscar Wilde

“ *Bursting In* OOGA BOOGA WHERE THE WHITE WOMEN AT?!”

 Lenin

“Shut up! Just shut up!”

 Oscar Wilde

“But what about the black people?!”

 Kanye West

“Yes, what about those damned Negro's?! Did I mention we're all going to Hell in big Chinese ovens?”

 Sylvia Plath

“I apologize for this Smackdown.”

 George Bush

“In Soviet Russia, Smackdown apologizes for YOU!.”

 Lenin

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Featured version: 15 November 2005
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