Kane (wrestler)
“Where the fuck's my Oscar Wilde quote?”
“Right here you bald bastard.”
Glenda Issac Hayes Yankem Daddy Fake Diesel Kane Jacobs or better now known simply as Kane is a monster in the World Wrestling Entertainment. He is living proof that if you work hard and stick it out with a shitty dentist job, you can make your mark and go on to bigger and better things. Kane is a three time WWE world-champion, two time tag-team champion, one time hardcore-champion and the current undefeated-divas champion.
Hell Of An Apprentice[edit | edit source]
Worlds heaviest monkey Kane was first employed by the WWE back when they where known as the WWF before the panda's sued for the name. Back in the mid 90's, Kane was known as Issac Hayes Yankem Daddy. He was the personal dentist that the WWF traveled with and worked on all the d-grade celebrities teeth. Some of his best work was on the mouth-of-the-south Jimmy Hart and Howard Stern famer Beetlejuice. (Yes, that's Kane's handy work!)
Glenda later would find himself being asked to participate in an on-air appearance by Vince McMahon. The idea behind this was that because Ted Turner had lured two of his biggest superstars, Diesel (Kevin Nash) and Razor Ramon (Scott Hall), to the WCW, Vince thought no one would notice if he just replaced those two with someone else to take their place. Being that Kevin Nash was nearly seven feet tall, it was hard to find someone else who could fill those shoes at the time, seeing as how people would recognize The Undertaker and Andre The Giant had kicked the bucket a few years before. Being that Glenda was around the seven foot mark, he was asked to dress up like Diesel and go out and pretend he was him, along with someone else they found to play Razor Ramon. Glenda was a bit hesitant at first, saying to Vince he didn't know the first thing about how to wrestle, but Vince assured him he would be fine as Kevin Nash never knew how to either.
The push was shortly lived as Vince's worst nightmares came to life and WCW picked up an audience and actually had viewers now that Nash and Hall where in the WCW and having a fake Diesel and Ramon looked pretty stupid. However for being such a sport for Vince, he offered to train Glenda if he wanted to be a competitor in the WWF. Glenda agreed to this offer and thought it might be more fun to break teeth then repair them. Glenda was then sent to ballet camp.
The Big Red Retard[edit | edit source]
In 1997 the time to bring Glenda in to wrassle was perfect as the Undertaker was in desperate need of competition at his height and level, now that Kevin Nash, Scott Hall and Psycho Sid Viscous had fucked off to the WCW. A fairytale, or known in the WWF as a storyline, was conceived by the currently feuding with, ex-manager of The Undertaker, Paul Bearer who announced on WWF RAW is a BORE that Takers evil twin brother was still alive, and that he had been keeping him locked away from the Taker knowing about him, just in-case Taker ever turned on him.
During the 1997 PPV "Smell In A Cell" Taker was taking on HBGay (Shawn Michaels) in a first ever Wrestle Inside A Baseball Hitting Cage when sometime into the match, the lights went out, smoke filled the room, a light shone red, and an eerie instrumental played, then all of a sudden there was an explosion of pyrotechnics and Paul Bearer emerged down the isle with the debut of Glenda now known as Klame. Kane was dressed in a black and red leotard outfit and had a mask on so no one would recognize him as Fake-Diesel in a tip Vince took from Leslie Neilson, because he once impersonated Enrico Pollatzo at a baseball game and was recognised by John Wayne Gacey. Kane proceeded to the cage and ripped the cheap door out of it's cardboard hinges and entered the ring to stare down his so-called big brother. The Taker was so surprised to see his baby brother that he shit his pants and was too afriad to move and let it run further down his leg tgat he forgot to defend himself when Kane picked him up to deliver takers own move, the tombstone piledriver. A move where he picks his opponent up into a standing 69er and drops to his knees to drill their head into the ground resulting in the sane effect as a wiman accepting a drink from Bill Cosby.
It didn't take long for Taker to issue a challenge layer on with Kane at Wrestlefakia to get his revenge on Kane for ripping off his own signature finishing move. Later on Kane would turn on Paul Bearer and side with Taker, joining forces and become known as the Brothers Of Buttfuction. The two would work together well on occasion, but end up going at each others throats when Taker started asking Kane questions about himself, and Kane didn't want Taker to find out he is not really his little brother, which would be like sticking his dick into an electrical socket, or working for TNA. No one wants to piss of The Undertaker.
Kane 2000[edit | edit source]
In 2000, Kane was teamed up with XXX-Sack in the tag-team division. No one knew how the duo would function, then towards the end of the match Kane grabbed XXX-Pac in a choke-slam and lifted him above his head, it looked like Kane was going to slam the kid, but instead he kissed him in the cheek and gently laid him down on their laying opponent for the three-count. The duo would then compete for the tag-team titles and shortly later where wearing the gold around their waists. Kane then started to take a liking to a diva named X-Slut who XXX-Pac was dating. The bitch came between the two just as DX2000 reformed and XXX-Pac told Kane he was just not DX material, causing Kane to run away with his head in his hands crying.
Kane would return the next week and challenge XXX-Pac and X-Slut to a I need face, as you made me cry last week' match. Kane was victorious and celebrated by setting XXX-Pac on fire and ripping a fetus out of X-Sluts cervix that she had laid claim to being either Kane or XXX-Pacs baby a few weeks before in some stupid storyline that no one took any notice of. Kane then threw the fetus into the crowed as a souvenir for a lucky fan.
Kane unmasked[edit | edit source]
The unmasking of Kane was a devastating day, with over 200,000,000 people dead and millions more injured. He was so ugly because when he was little, Undertaker took a crap on his face and it was acidic which made him fucking ugly!
...Ok, who in the fuck wrote that?
...I did, Haha!
Citizen Kane[edit | edit source]
Kane remained with the WWE as a top superstar who can take a dive to Preparation-H when H felt like being put over up until 2021 when The Underpantstaker retired and Kane decided to become the mayor of flavor town. Coz, why the fuck not? Town bribes pay more than wrasslin ever could. Plus Nipple-H is powerless over him there.
Acting Career[edit | edit source]
Kane made his acting debut in a WWE produced Academy Award-winning film called See No Evil. The comedy starred Kane alongside JoJo Siwa where Kane played a deaf man, and Siwa played a blind kid, and together the unlikely match solved a murder.
Kane is currently in talks with director Sean Cunningham to play the next Jason Voorhees in "Friday The 13th Part 69: Jason Pays To Have Sex"
Achievements[edit | edit source]
- Three Time WWF/E Champion.
- Three time WWF/E tag-team champion.
- Two Time Diva's hardcore champion.
- Held record for most penises sucked in 1 minute in a 30 man blow job rumble; loses record to Kurt Angle.
- Hasn't let The Undertaker know he's not really his brother.
- Never took a dive to Hulk Hogan.
- Holds the record for best ever Diesel impersonator.
- Holds the record for worst ever Diesel impersonator.
- Holds the record for best ever luekimia patient impersonator.
- Won the Slammy Award in 1998 for best handbag worn to a ring.
- Won an academy award for "Most Outstanding Dick-Cup worn on screen"
