HowTo:Join The Internet Wrestling Community
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|Join The Internet Wrestling Community was an article written for the Noob only writing competition 2012!|
Yay for us!
And yay for them!
If you're reading this article, you (yes you, <insert name here>, you misguided bastard), presumably drunkenly, want to join the subclass of Internet dorks and faggots known as the Internet Wrestling Community (IWC for those who are too depressed by this notion to type it up in full). If so, then welcome to a new life of depression, futile arguments and hopeless masturbation! You will now sign away your life to the sweaty nerds who visit Internet forums and bitch about trivial aspects of the celebration of homosexuality they call professional wrestling.
BUT! (and considering the weight of most of them, it's a big but) The IWC only takes in those who bend to its ways so much that they lose all semblance of humanity. If an outsider is detected, they will be brutally beaten beyond recognition (although, considering these are pro wrestling fans we're talking about, not really) and then be declared to be "gotten to".
Learning the Ways of the IWC
Step One: Forget everything you think you know and love about professional wrestling. The IWC is a very different beast which mangles the "love" of wrestling to such a point that they really don't love wrestling at all. There is a very clearly defined list of things you're not allowed to like:
- Anyone older than 35
- John Cena
- Wrestlers who can't triple backflip off the top rope
- Anyone who doesn't make ratings instantly double when they enter
- Female wrestlers who are vaguely good-looking
- John Cena
- Any TV show other than wrestling
- The company of other, real people
- John Cena
Got that? Good! Now you have to start liking these things:
- The time between 1997 and 2001 where there was a shit joke every 5 minutes
- People that would undoubtedly make wrestling popular again, even though they wrestle for no greater than 100 people
- The feeling of a long hard cock in your ass
Not everyone is fit to be IWC material. There are some who are too good looking, intelligent and popular to join. If you think you are one of them, STOP NOW. You need to be as disgusting and retarded as possible if you want to make a good smark (which, incidentally, is a portmanteau of "smart" and "mark", proving once and for all that the IWC thinks too highly of itself).
Common practice for any IWC prospect is to take up permanent residence in your mother's basement. If you don't have a mother, or if she died in a horrific accident that was never explained, you should go to any random woman's house and live in her basement. If you happen to be forcibly kicked out, you'll end up with some nasty bruises and scars, which is always a bonus.
Always dress in a white T-shirt, preferably with a hand-written wrestling slogan on it, with obvious yellow stains, and follow the same rules when it comes to pants. Avoid any kind of skincare products, as spots and blemishes convey respectability in this strange new world. Whenever your mother / the random woman comes in to give you one of your 6 McDonalds meals a day, drop words such as "draw", "work", and "kayfabe" into whatever conversation you can string together. This will discourage her from trying to speak to you again.
The IWC Way of Posting
Remember what people taught you? About polite etiquette and rational thought? Yeah, you can probably ignore that. Use allCAPS as much as you can, with ENDLESS EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take the time out to uncreatively insult anyone you come across, calling them a "faggot", a "Jew", or, at worst, a "John Cena fan". And always remember: you're right and everyone else is wrong. Even if they agree with you.
Congratulations, New IWC Member!
You have now completed the final step. You will now go to a wrestling forum and vent your frustrations about something or other while using your other hand to fap to tranny porn. And tell them "Rock316AE" sent you.