User:Maniac1075/Hulk Hogan
| HULK HOGAN | |
|---|---|
| |
| Born | A While Ago in Hulkamerica |
| Proffesion | Pro-Wrestler & Spotlight Hog |
| Assosciated Brands | WWF, WCW, nWo, WWE, NWA, MIB, PMS |
| Height | 5'16 |
| Weight | Old and wrinkly |
| Years active | 1683 to Present (unfortunately) |
| Former Ring Names | Hollyweed Hogan The Patriot Act The Artist Formally Thought To Have Talent Terry Ballsagnia |
“Hulkamania, Is running wild, Like It's Never Ran Before”
“What-cha gonna do when Oscar goes Wilde on you?”
“Hogan talks about his arms as being "24 inch Pythons", which is literally true, but only in a metaphoric sense.”
“I'm Gonna Gitcha Nigga”
“Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday comes again”
“Don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when i'm angry”
“Vince McMahon made Hulk famous? BULLSHIT, Rocky made his ass famous”
“Oh yeah, I saw him one time at MGM studios filming Baywatch meets Knight Rider... I forget what it was called”
“I want you Hulk Cogan to take your ship into a nose dive. I wanna watch the planets, the stars and the grim light align, and who will survive!?!.”
“YA KNOW SOMETHING, Mean Gene, If you just work hard, say your prayers and take your vitamins, you too can be a steroid buffed surfer who gets his butt handed to him for 5 mins before shaking his head, taking 2 punches, pointing at a guy, blocking a 3rd punch, hitting him twice, whipping them into the rope, giving them a big boot, signal your deaf, then give them an atomic leg drop, pin them, then celebrate for 97 minutes flexing your muscles. BROTHA! ”
“Are all these quotes really necessary?”
Hulkamania, Where It All Began[edit | edit source]
Terry "Hulk-Hollywood-Retire-Already-Damn-It" Hogan, more known as the Hulkster, or Spotlight Hogster, is a household name known all around the world from his days of hugging big sweaty old guys in a wrestling ring, and teaching the ways of Hulkamania to all the little Hulkmaniacs out there that follow in Hulks footsteps by saying their prayers, eating their vitamins, and injected steroids directly into the eye of their dick.
But before there was Hulkamania, there was just a man, a man of 6'8 stature, a man with bleach blond hair, a bass guitar, and a destiny. A destiny to have more guys job to him and take a dive then any other wrestler in history. But before this could happen, the man we know as the Hulkster, or Betty as some of us close to him call him, had to start out somewhere. He was born into the world sometime as far back to the days when the dead sea wasn't even sick yet, Hogan's mother Paul got knocked up by Adolph Hogan and soon Hulk Hogan came crashing down, and it hurt her inside. Hogan then decided to take a stand and refuse to hide, and his mom was his friend, and the doctor hurt her pride, so Hogan couldn't stand aside and picked up the doctor and slammed him on the ground, then climbed back up his moms umbilical chord and leapt off the bed, leg first, onto the doctors chest. Terry grew up like any normal child of the medieval era, he was born with a silver sword in his hand, a lush thick blond mustache, a balding head, and a desire to pick things up and slam them. By the time Terry was 9 months old, he had outgrown slamming G.I Joe's and was into slamming the family dog and giving it a leg drop right after it, and all tho some people saw it as animal cruelty, it was quite a sight to see someone so young pick up a fully grown and defenseless mastiff hound, give it the finger of doom, then proceed to body slam it hard enough for it to stay put as Terry took flight and landed on the puppy with a diaper full of doodie... now you know where the term "Atomic Leg Drop" comes from!
Hogan showed signs of great strength when he started school. His kindergarten teacher told him to draw a picture of a building, so he drew one, then he slammed the picture, frame and all on the ground, and gave it a humongous leg drop. No one really knew what to think of this behavior, especially when Hogan slammed a fellow classmate and the teacher came to tell him off, so Hogan stopped the teacher yelling at him by pointing at her, his eyes widened and he looked at the other children, and signaled he was going to slam Mrs. Lumberman, the 45-year-old mother of 3, the children encouraged Hogan who seemed to feed off the energy of the audience, he held a hand up to his ear for one last boost of encouragement, then he picked up his teacher, and slammed her right into the floor, then Hogan climbed up on a box of lego's, and dropped down on her with a leg drop. When the medics and police arrived on the scene to attend to Mrs. Lumberman 3 hours after the incident, Mrs. Lunderman gave a statement about Hogan, and it took 12 police officers to remove Hogan from the kiddy-gym because he was not done flexing and posing for his fans yet.
It was said that Hogan gained such strength from his mother, who produced 100% pure steroids from her chest, and breast fed Hogan until he was 14, before he started snorting steroids cause it was the latest rage the kids where into, then took it one step further by injecting steroids directly into the eye of his dick like his favorite comic book hero, The Incredible Hulk did, which is also where the name Hulk came from, as when Hogan didn't get his steroids, he became angry, and you wouldn't like him when he's angry, well you might, but you'd be an idiot. Anyway, back to Hogan as a kid...
Hogan had become a menace to Venice, he was just a rough out of control child that became a rough out of control teenager, but then Hogan found his place in life at age 15, he took up Bass guitar and found that slamming chords was more productive then slamming people. It's just a real shame Hogan sucked balls when he picked up a 4 string guitar, and everyone knew it, but no one would tell Hogan he sucked, because if they did, he'd slam them and drop a leg across their chest. So as long as Hogan was happy murdering classic songs on stage, so was every one else in Venice Beach for not being slammed by the Hogan, however, it was pretty bad, Hogans playing sounded like a cat being sucked up a lawnmower and crapped out a tuba funnel in a buffaloes anus. But then a miracle happened... In September of the year of the Hulkster, the Iraqi war started, and America needed a few good men to be deployed to Iraq to fight the evil forces of the Deceptecons, so the entire village of Venis Beach decided they should sign Hogan up for that, and send him away because they knew his ego would not turn down a fight, plus, hopefully if someone kills him in action they wont have to live in fear of being slammed or hearing him murder Stairway To Heaven worse then Rolf Harris did.
So Hogan was enlisted into the Marines, and sent off to learn how to control this cool boat that was named K.I.T.T Thunder. While Hogan was deployed in Iraq, he came under fire by the oppositions tank that proceeded to shoot the Hogster right in the testicles. Any normal human being would have sufficed, but Hogan from taking so many steroids, felt no pain, and instead rose to one knee, started shaking his head around like a madman, and rising to his feet while jerking off furiously. Hogan stood up and looked the tank down the barrel and said, "Thank you, sir. May I have another" - the tank then fired again, which bounced off Hogans chest, the tank backed up, then fired again, and again, still the Hulkster refused to sell. On the 4th fire, Hogans eyes just widened up, and he began pointing at the tank and shaking his finger around. When the tank went to fire one more time, hogan raised his arm and blocked the tanks gun fire, and began a series of over head punches until Hogan then picked up the tank and body slammed it. Hogan then posing to the crowed that had gathered, holding his hand cupped up to his ear as the fans cheered, then hogan clapped a few times, and proceeded to land an atomic leg drop on the tank, pinned it for a 3 count, and spent the next 3 hours flexing his muscles for the crowed. It was like Hulks Kindergarten days all over again!
Upon his return home to the United States of America, Hogan said in a press conference, "I did it for all you Hulkamaniacs out there, Brotha. If you just take your vitamins, say your prays, and do steroids, you too can be immortal, Brotha" Hogan then again spent 6 hours flexing for those in attendance. No one knew what Hulkamania was, or what the hell Hogan meant, one Asian reporter asked what Hulkamania was? Hogan just grew green and picked him up and repeatedly slammed him into the ground 100 times before clapping, running through a brick wall, bouncing off a parked car and coming back to land a leg drop on the little Asian dude. Hulk then went back and picked up the car and slammed it on the little Asian dude, and said, "Any more stupid questions, Brotha?" so in fear of their own safety and even their own lives, no one questioned what Hulkamania was ever again, they just went with it... BROTHA!
Wrestling Career[edit | edit source]
WWF, Brotha!!![edit | edit source]
A man of Hogans super human size and strength caused from over-use of steroids could only lead Hogan to one possible career. But unfortunately the Olympic games had just finished, so Hogan went to the next best thing, Wrestling. WWF owner Vince McMahon was eager to bring in Hogan, because if Hogan could pick up a tank and bodyslam it, then someone who could do that could easily pick up Andre The Giant and carry him to bed when he would get drunk, make an asshole out of himself in public, then pass out cold right there in the gay bar that the WWF scouted a lot of there talent from, then the WWF needed this guy. Hogan was employed to be Andre's pick up boy, and also started to Wrestle for the company.
Hogan and Andre The Giant become good bum-chums, and would do everything together. Hogan & Andre where the biggest names the wrestling world had to offer. They seemed inseparable, until one day Andre woke up with a stiff neck in the foyer of the Hilton hotel and blamed Hogan for the stiffness by not picking him up and carrying him to his room. Andre openly challenged Hogan on TV to a match at Wrestlfakia. Hogan did not want to take on his friend, but Andre started tearing off Hogan's cloths, twisted his nipples, poked him in the chest, squeezed him by the nuts and punched a few babies, Hogan resisted a lot of the harsh attack, but it was the poking that Hogan couldn't take anymore, plus no one could understand what the hell Andre was muttering out, he sounded like a retard trying to speak with a mouth full of Saltine crackers.
The match was booked, and history was about to be made: Both Andre and Hulk where to be the main event showcase. When the match went underway, Andre proceeded to try and choke the life out of Hogan for 10 minutes, the crowed was falling asleep, and Andre was getting a little heavy eyed, too. Hogan used that time to give Andre a nasty Chinese burn and escape the choke, Andre then raised his arm and let it crash down on Hogans head, a move that would knock any normal man out. But it only knocked Hogan down to one knee. Andre delivered another blow, but Hogan started to get that look in his eyes, the steroids where starting to kick in, and after Andre's 3rd blow, Hogan was back on his feet and masturbating, Andre tried several times to make Hogan stop, but then Hogans eyes grew wide, he pointed at Andre, blocked the next punch, then whipped Andre into the ropes, where Andre bounced back and Hogan lifted his leg up to let go a devastating rip roaring fart that Andre could not prevent running into. The smell was making Andre rock around and stumble on his feet. Hogan then signaled to the crowed he was going to slam Andre. Something that had not been done since Andre's previous match the week before. Hogan proceeded to successfully body slam Andre, then Hogan ran into the rope, ran back to Andre and farted as hard as he could that propelled to lift Hogan 15 feet off the ground, then when Hogans ass ran out of gas, he came crashing back down on Andre with a leg drop, pinned him and won the match for the WWF Championship that Hogan would hold onto for a record 345 years, as he would only ever defend once a year.
The Real American Vs Rocky[edit | edit source]
Being that the WWF was not only a wrestling organization, but also a wildlife foundation, it was only natural that the animals employed by the WWF would wanna chance at the Hulkster. Hogan beat the crap out of roadkill all over the nation, but his biggest challenge came in 1985 when Rocky challenged him to a fight. Rocky came out to the theme of Eye Of The Tiger during one of Hogans 4 hour long victory poses, and interrupted him with his tag partner Bullwinkle. Bullwinkle helped mock Hogan in a small skit they did, where Bullwinkle looked at Rocky and said, "Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my ass" - "Again?" said Rocky. Bullwinkle continued, "Nothing up my rear...*farts*... Presto! Whoops, sometimes I don't know my own strength", Bullwinkle had managed to land moose shit all over the American flag. This just infuriated the Hulkster to see one of Americas most beloved duos in such a dramatic heel turn, that Hogan issued the challenge right there and then that he would slam Rocky & Bullwinkle right on that pile of steaming hot moose crap they laid on ole' glory. So Hogan exited the ring and ran down the isle to greet the duo with his 24 inch python of a dick and his fists trailing not far behind, but Hogan suddenly was sideswiped and attacked with a chair from behind by Boris and Natasha... the duo of Rocky and Bullwinkle and sided with Russia. Rocky then walked up to the now laid out Hogan and told Hogan he would see him at the next wrestlefakia, and he would end Hulkamania once and for all.
So the challenge was set, and the day of Wrestlefakia came again, and Hogan was ready. And to cut a long story short, Rocky and Bullwinkle got a few good hits in, with the aid of Boris, Natasha and a shocking surprise visit from Yogi Bear, but in the end, as always, Hogan prevailed, he hulked up and kicked everyones ass, then flexed for the audience for 90 minutes before he had to go take a dump, which he proceeded to dump on the corpse of Rocky that was still laying motionless in 3 parts in the squared circle, except for the one part that was hanging off of Bullwinkles horn which had been strategically forced up Natasha's axe-wound. From that day forward, Hulkamania ran wild, and Hogan was the all American hero for beating up communist Russians and America defectors to the KGB.
The Incredible Hulkster[edit | edit source]
Hogan had his next match one year later at Wrestlefakia 3 against Mr.T & Mr. Rogers in a jelly wrestling masturbation match that Hogan won by the enhancement of constant steroid use. Hogan also had big feuds with King Kong, Godzilla and a copyright infringement match against David Bana/The Incredible Hulk which Hogan won by disqualification from the interference of Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde coming to tell the Incredible Hulk, "Look Whose Talking, Bitch". Hulk then focused on kicking the crap out of foreigners, supplying kids with drugs and guns, and preaching that saying your prayers and taking your steroids is the American way of life, and every god given Americans right to shoot steroids into the eyes of their own red, white and blue dicks.
The Megasteriodadditcs[edit | edit source]
Another large steroid abuser was climbing the ranks of the WWF, and so the desicion was made that Hogan should be teamed up with "Fred "The Nacho Man" Savage" who made a move into pro-wrestling after his 4 year run as the star on the TV show The Wonder Years, till he found himself to be one of those childhood actors no one wants to watch anymore when they reach puberty. Savage and Hogan combined as what is remembered today as one of the all time great tag-teams that never won a god damn fucking thing together. The MegaSteroidiacs become very popular in the few times they where seen together. They where managed by Miss Queen Elizabeth III and dressed in matching red & yellow panties in a brief stink stint until the tag-team ran into trouble when Savage thought Hogan was hitting on his bitch, Queen Elizabeth, when in fact what was happening was Hogan was teaching Liz how to suck dick harder for Savages benefit.
The two ended up going at it at the next Wrestlefakia, where Hogan fueled up on more steroids then ever, and overcome the challenge. Hogan defeated Randy in the typical way, Randy got a few hits in, the Hulk said "Go Go Hulkster Steriods" and Hulkamania was running wild all over Savages ass like it was expected to. To celebrate his win, Hogan told Miss Elizabeth she needed bigger tits, and she should inject some steroids into them, Miss Elizabeth refused to do such a thing, saying Randy always thought her breasts where cute the size they where, so Hogan grabbed her by her little titties and slammed her on top of Randy... Hulk then grabbed a pillow and went home to challenge his wife and son to a... hang on, sorry, this wasn't Hogan at all, it was another person we where thinking of in a fit of roid rage... anyway, Hogan beat Savage.
A few years later down the track, the duo would team up again in the WCW, but we will get to that later when we mention what a crappy reunion it was during the dieing days of WCW.
Rock N Wrestling[edit | edit source]
During the 1780's anything could be seen on American television, and if Gilligans Island could be continued in a crappy cartoon series, then Hogan was going to take advantage of the toon time airwaves too. So along came the viewing displeasure on a Saturday morning time-slot, "Hulk Hogans Rock 'N Wrestling", which had nothing to do with The Rock unfortunately. The show debut during Hogans popularity boost when just like Chuck Norris, Hulkamania was considered cool at the time, and so Hogan and his WWF buddies had a cartoon series to be shown in between the months Hogan was not seen defending his title in the real world, hence the show ran for 11 and a half months in between each years annual Wrestlefakia PPV event.
The show portrayed Hogan as the sword-master of Greyskull, and he would take on the evil forces of Skeletor and The Iron Sheik. His side kick was Hogans beautiful cousin & princess of Outworld, and, also his wife, Mae Young. The show also guest starred the characters and voices of real life wrestlers such as Andre The Giant, Roddy Piper, Randy Savage and Mr. T. The show was the first cartoon to ever be broadcast live, which was a real strain on the animators hands, but they managed to do it because they all worked hard, said their prayers, and injected steroids into the eyes of their pencils. The show was somewhat of a hit with the adolescent retarded youth of America for the brief few years it ran between 1787 to 1903 but the show was canceled on the spot when a young John Cena made a guest appearance on the show and fucked it up for everyone's viewing pleasure.
The Ultimate Put Over[edit | edit source]
Hogan's reputation was building up that there was no one on the planet that could kick his ass, and that's when Vince discovered a man from farts unknown named The Ultimate Gaylord who was discovered at a gym Vince was scouting potential protein-slurpee drinkers at. The Ultimate Gaylord offered to suck Vince's dick for his steroid fix, and that's when Vince knew this would be a good opponent for Hogan, so at the following Wrestlefakia, the two steroid abusing cock-suckers met face to face for the first time. The match is synonymous with history, as never before had a crowed been bored to death as much as these two cutting promos that made peoples heads cave in, and a stand off that lasted 234 minutes as Hogan and Gaylord flexed their muscles, and compared dick sizes. Gaylord won when his 2.4 inch penile length out did Hogans by a good centimeter. This was the first loss Hogan had ever had in his career, and it looked like Hulkamania was over. But no, it wasn't, Hogan and Warrior would find themselves tagged together in the finals of the 1990 MacGyver Series. Hogan and Warrior each where the surviving members of their teams, and paired up together with some other jobber who was just there to make Hogan and Warriors steroids enhanced physics look impressive next to a little scrawny Latino bitch. They took on 5 other guys, who where pretty big heels at the time, but the only one you'd remember is "The Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibiase, the others where just no bodies paid off to take a dive to Hogan and Warrior like the rest of the WWF roster. Hogan and Warrior where unsurprisingly victorious, and the two spent a record breaking 15 hours flexing there dicks for the crowed after their win.
A few months later, Warrior ran to the rescue of Hogan when it looked like one of Hogans opponents was not going to accept the bribe to take a dive, then Hogan returned the favor shortly after when Warrior came down with a sudden case of diarrhea during his match, and needed someone else to slam his opponent in case he accidentally released something that would require an ultimate dry cleaning bill. Hogan and Warrior, now best of friends, where ready to become the greatest tag-team known to man that the WWF and the world had ever seen, but it was not meant to be, as Hogan was offered 20 bucks to go make Suburban Commando and Warrior was diagnosed with Amoebic Dysentery which forced him out of the WWF leaving him to never wrestle again unless a company was dumb enough to want to hire such a shitty wrestler.
Hulkamania Runs Dry[edit | edit source]
Andre The Giant died, Randy Savage was filming the Wonder Years Reunion, Mr Wonderfuckingfull Paul Smorndoff had left due to exploding on an over injected amount of steroids to his left nipple, and The Ultimate Warrior had turned to shit, so there was really no one left for Hogan to face. in 1990 the WWF started to take a different approach that maybe younger wrestlers, who possessed actual talent, might just be the direction the WWF needed to take, as the crowds where rather bored of The Real American slamming anyone else who did as many steroids as he did. Hogans last big feud in the WWF was with Sgt Slaughter and the Iron Sheik in a "America Patriotism Match" that brought back the tank Hogan slammed in Iraq in a rematch, but by the time it was over and done with, fans had grown tired of Hogan always doing the same old bullshit over and over again, they where tired of seeing Hogan sell for 5 minutes, then hulking up, slamming people and dropping a leg on them. They where more interested now in wrestlers with more then a 5 step dance routine to their act. It was clear by the following Wrestlefakia fans where bored by Hogan when he took on Buford T Justice ... Hogan was pretty much out of action and hardly seen again in the WWF until the next Wrestlefakia when a sumo sized new comer who weighed more then <insert name here>'s mom named Yokozuna came along and was dominating the WWF and was said to be so fat even Hogan couldn't slam him... and it was true, Hogan never did slam him, Hogan of coarse did beat him at Wrestlefakia when Bret Fart lost to Yoko, then challenged Hogan, but it was all just a final nail in the coffin by Vince to see if anyone truly gave a flying fuck about the Hulkster anymore. A few weeks later, the re-match was set between Hogan and Yoko, and to Hogans surprise, Vince had arranged for Yokozuna to not take a dive this time, and just kick Hogans ass... which he did, Hogan tried to slam Yokozuna, but he couldn't, Yoko did this by eating that tank hogan once slammed, and then eating all the hate mail the WWF had received about how crap Suburban Commando was, which not even Hogan could pick up and slam that kinda weight! so Yoko became the new champion and Hulkamania was buried into the ground, and it's grave was pissed on by Paul Bearer & his Undertaker who announced Hulkamania can now rest... in.... peace.... pretty dramatic huh?
Hollyweed Hogan[edit | edit source]
Now that Hulk was retired from Wrestling, his ego was big enough to believe the acting he did for the WWF would lead him to star roles in feature films that required a big beefed up on steroids giant of a man. Hogan was keen to play the role of Danny Divitos brother in Twins, but Hogan was out auditioned by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Hogan wanted to out-do Arnold by showing the world he was more a mans man then Arnold ever could be, so Hogan signed on to play the lead role in the 1992 Shakespeare play, Mr. Nanny. Hogan said his prayers, mixed his vitamins with steroids and beefed up for the role to look perfect in his little pink tu-tu. Hogan was sure this movie was going to be a time-less classic, but by the end of the year, that years number 1 hit was another Arnie movie, Kindergarten Cop.
This really pissed off Hogan, so what Hogan decided to do, was take every role Schwarzenegger had ever played, and combine them into the one movie, which ended up leading to a continuation of the movies story in a TV show. The show was called Knight Rider Thunder In Paradise. Hogan played a retired wrestler marine who was keen on steroids, loved children, hated Iraqis foreigners, and lived on a beach where it was always sunny, never rained, had a lot of chicks in bikinis, and anyone ugly was a bad dude, brotha.
Hogan enlisted an all-star cast of acting talent for the show, such as Chris Lemon, The Giant Gonzales & that old dude from The Avengers. For the movie, Hogan needed an annoying kid to play his daughter, so he asked his good pal Steve Guttertrash if he knew anyone, and Steve recommended the little brat that played the little lady in his last and final movie, 3 Men & A Horny Lady. So the cast was set, and Hogan was ready to out-do Arnie in his own movie that had beaches, babes, boobs and shit blowing up. The movie was shot and finished in 2 hours, as not much thinking is needed for these types of movies, and Hogan was set to out-shine Arnie. But guess what? Arnie released True Lies and no one even saw T.I.P. Hogan decided they better make a sequel, but Disney MGM said why not just make a TV series out of it... so Hogan began working on the show, each week a new bad guy resembling one of Arnie's movies bad guys was cast, and Hogan ripped off one Arnie character after the others, everything from Predator to Jingle All The Way which the episode was called Santa With Muscles.
The MGM executives kinda liked the idea of the chicks in bikinis in a place that never rains, but felt Hogan was trying to be too much like Arnie and was coming across as a douche-bag, and the whole idea behind a talking state of the art boat that Hogan and his husband drove was just a complete rip off of Knight Rider. So the executives figured they may as well get rid of the boat and hogan, and start the series from scratch, it was now called Boobwatch, and starred David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson. Hogan would find himself out of work once again, so he went and made one last attempt at making a successful action film, he was sure The Secret Agent Club would be a huge success, but it was dismissed as just being a cheap imitation of True Lies.
Hogan and hulkamania had not run wild on Hollywood as he thought he would, so where was a washed up old has been retired wrestler who cant act for shit to go now?
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WCW, NIGGA[edit | edit source]
Hogan found himself being asked to join the WCW because they where buying up all the useless old talent the WWF was done with. Hogan came out of retirement and fans where happy to see him again, but after seeing 2 matches of Hogan doing the same old crap again, they grew tired of it and where more interested in re-runs of My Little Pony. Soon all the effort Hogan had made to get the fellow superstars of his TV show "Thunder In Paradise" to be at ring side for his first WCW match against The nature boy, Dick Shair, his title win in his debut match almost seemed for nothing. Hogan then tried to side with the biggest name in WCW, Sting, but in a last desperate attempt to ask Sting if he could play bass for The Police, Hogan went into a fit of anger when Sting told him the Police where not even together anymore... So Hogan challenged Sting to a match, and said he would slam him, but this match never took place, as it was just too soon after the disaster of the famous Ultimate Warriors loss to Phil Collins at the previous WCW PPV. Hogan struggled to find an opponent that people would give a shit if he slammed them. The WCW was so desperate for ratings, they wanted a new fresh talent to be the man who saves the day from rule breaking bad guys, and when his friend Sting was in trouble against an old rival named Bufford T Justice who now called himself SexPistol Vicious had joined forces with the Four Whoresmen, Hogan knew his gimmick was done for when instead of calling upon the red and yellow to come to Stings aid, they instead sent out Robocop... it finally dawned on Hogan no one cared about him slamming giants or leg dropping tanks anymore, his final moment of recognition of this fact was when he found his opponent of the week was Shockmaster and they where cheering for him instead of Hogan. Hogan had even kissed and made up with the Nacho Man and reunited the Megasteriodaddicts, but no one really gave a shit, they had seen it before, they wanted something different. Hogan decided, it was time to make a change, he was pissed that the Hulkamaniacs where bored of him telling them to say their prayers, inject their vitamins and snort their steroids, it was time to take the WCW company by the balls, it was time he was back on top as the man who everyone took the dives to, it was time to run wild and shit on the WCW, so Hogan decided he would get his revenge by making Suburban Commando II, but that didn't work, so he decided to switch to the dark side of Hulkamania and side with the Emperor, Eric Pissoff.
The N.W.O[edit | edit source]
For over 100 years Hulk Hogan had put all the Hulkamaniacs around the world to sleep with the same show every-night. So it was time for a change, it was time to do the same old crap in a different way, so what Hulkster did, was team up with his new BFF's Razor Ramon and Diesel, who had just come from Hogans old stomping ground (WWF) in a trade to the WCW for the rights to the Shockmaster and a jar that is said to contain a fart sealed in a bottle by Jerry Garcia from Woodstock. Hogan and his ladies of the night decided it was time to turn the WCW on it's heels, and take over the world of professional wrestling, from within the boundaries of WCW territory, and form an alliance to make sure no one, and Hogan meant, NO ONE, would EVER be able to go over his authority again.
The plan was set into motion, Snott Balls & Kevin Crap began appearing on WCW TV, like they where an invasion from another planet, they took over the microphones and danced around like fairy's for the camera, then announced they where not alone, there was a 3rd man, a 3rd man who would dance with them through the night. But who was this 3rd dancer they spoke of? At the next PPV, "WCW's Jam This Up Your Ass, WWF" - Hulks buddy The Nacho Man was being attacked by Balls and Craps, a few guys from the back tried to run down to Savages aid, but they where met with a swan dive by Craps and Snotts Balls finished them off with his devastating finishing move, the outsiders goatsie. Then, the red and yellow appeared, and fans went "YEY...oh wait, sigh, it's him" Hogan came down the isle and it looked like he was coming to the aid of Savage, but nope, Hogan pranced into the ring, and gave Freddy Savage a couple of hundred leg drops in what was known as one of the biggest moments of Hogans career that didn't involve him body-slamming anything. People threw shit at the trio, left right and center, and Hogan, Balls and Craps danced through the shit tsunami like it was snowing chocolate.
The following week saw the birth of the nWo, Hogan, ditching his classic yellow and red, donned black and was struck by lightning several bajillion times, which left its mark on his newly spraypainted black lycra leggings, and legally changed his name from 'Hulk Hogan' to 'Hollywood Hogan' infront of the High Supreme Court of Mexico. Hogan felt this made him several million times more effective at anything, ever. Upon being confronted by an angry pregnant mother with her 5 year old son (who idolised Hogan) in tow, Hogan punched an elephant to death and promptly bodyslammed the corpse on top of them, and proceeded to spraypaint 'nWo 4 life' on the dead elephants back.
This was what the nWo was all about, slamming animals on kids and then vandalizing them, and also laying claim to everything now being owned by the nWo, kinda like when a dog pisses on something to mark it's territory only when it pisses on something it's now a member of the nWo. From approximately 1996 to 1993; the nWo ran wild, during this time, Hogan popularized his method of knocking out his enemies by hitting them in the back of the head with a spraypaint can; then carving [nWo] on their bare backs with a rusty screwdriver. This was how the nWo would roll, BROTHA.
The nWo started to become very popular, and soon people where behind the nWo wanting to fuck asses with them and spraypaint it when they where done. The NWO started a huge rivalry between other WCW wrestlers such as Stink, Dick Shair, The Shitman Bret Fart, The Giant Andre Wanna-be & Richard Simmons - But it was a new comer to the WCW that sparked the biggest rivalry, a woman who was a WWF's Steve Austin rip-off, only black, Whoopi Goldberg - Goldberg became a huge name over night, parading as a nun and having a really kick-ass entrance where she and 12 other nun's would sing rock n roll classics with words changed to praise her religious god, Lemmy of Motorhead and inhale smoke from fire extinguishers as a cool pyro gag . The conflict between the religion of Lemmy and Hulk Hogans nWo belief in the gods of steroids, instantly became a huge rivalry. Hall was the first of the nWo to take on Goldberg, but he was defeated with a Jackasser within seconds. Nash was up next, but chipped a nail and lost the match, so it was up to the Hollywood Super Steroid himself, but Hogan came down with a bad case of pms and had to forfeit the match.
The nWo was having trouble defeating Goldberg, and Hogan would lose the title to her once his menstrual cycle stopped playing up. This caused controversy in the nWo and Hogan insisted that all members of the nWo needed to say their prayers, work hard, and eat a shit-load more steroids. This however was not what Hall and Nash thought it should be, as they wanted to just try getting drunk and seeing where it went from there. Eventually this lead to the nWo splitting into two rival factions. Hogan lead the original black & White NWO, while Hall & Nash started up the red faction, which they named the "nWo Fudge Packers".
Within the next show, both sides of the nWo had recruited over 50,000 new wrestlers each to be on their side. This led to Hall & Nash being so drunk, they did not even know who they where recruiting any more, and said "to hell with it", and would spend most of their time in bars or getting drunk on airplanes where they would have sex with as many airline stewardess as they could. This started up their new faction, the "nWo Mile High Club".
Over the next two years, the nWo eventually collapsed as there was only 4 WCW wrestlers left that had not joined the NWO, and two of those where in coma's anyway. So the nWo empire crumbled and WCW returned to the way it was before the nWo invasion. But ratings where really declining over the next few years, so a gamble was made to bring back the nWo and see if it could boost ratings. Hall, Nash and Hogan returned as the nWo, together again. And that night the show had a ratings boost of .1 - It looked good at the time, but then Hall announced again that they where going to start recruiting more members for the nWo, so everyone watching just switched off their TV's, saying, "Not this shit again"; so the nWo crumbled once more, and WCW went out of business the following day.
Hogan Knows Best[edit | edit source]
Now that Hogan had retired from Wrestling again, it was only natural to hire a film crew to record the day to day life of the Hogan family. Hulk wanted the show to be called "The Hogan Family" but network producers said it had already been done 20 years ago, so this just made Hogan angry so he got on his pee-wee 900 and went out to find Jason Bateman to slam his ass and leg drop him, which he did, he slammed Bateman's head so hard into the ground, Bateman's career has sucked even more then "Teen Wolf Too" ever since.
So the cameras where installed to the Hogan house, and America was forced to watch Father Hulk Hogan, Mother Titty Sags Hogan, Dorky Son Hogan, and Jail-bait Hogan in their day to day lives of injecting steroids into each others dicks, while trying to escape from the Nazi P.O.W camp. Hogan had moved the family to the Nazi war territory because he felt that taking on a bunch of Neo Nazi bad guys would satisfy his urge to pick people up and slam them, plus he was a long time member of the KKK. Hogan would fight the evil forces off that Corneal Clink would ascend upon Hogan each time he wanted to go to the shop for a box of fags. Hogan would fill in prime-time viewing by killing Germans, and pumping iron, while the wife would inject steroids into her tits to enlarge them, while their daughter Brooke became the #1 sensational slut in America overnight.... and the son was about as popular a douche-bag as the kid who played Ozzy Osbourne's son.
The show about the boring lives a sagging wrinkly old mother and her husbands adventures in steroid abuse against the Nazis ran for 3 seasons... which just went to prove that only in America could you find people dumb enough to watch this kinda shit. Every boy under the age of 12 worshiped Brooke Hogan, but yet, they also thought Britney Spears was a talented musician. But with the few fans the show had, they where shocked to hear the news that the show was to be canceled at the end of season 3, as Hulk Hogan decided in a mid life crisis attempt to be hip with the kids again, he'd have to start doing what the kids where doing, and to be their idol, he'd have to sleep with the most desirable woman to a kid... and incest was not allowed on MTV yet. Some sneak previews of Hogan feeling up his own daughter where leaked on the internet, and even a controversial black market video was released on the internet of Father Hogan and Jailbait Hogan in an intimate encounter that lead to the divorce of Hulk and his wife because she knew he would always cheat on her with someone who had firmer and faker tits then she had.
WWE[edit | edit source]
The return of the N.W.O[edit | edit source]
As you may or may not know, the WCW was purchased by WWF owner Vince McMahon, which meant he owned everything the WCW created from the nWo to Robocop. But what would Vince do with the WCW? He did what any man in charge of the history of the WCW would do, he buried it. Soon the WWF had to change it's name to the WWE over a dispute they had with an animal rights group that Pandas should be allowed tax reductions on their breast implants like all the other WWF Divas, but Vince refused to budge and lost the court-case when the Pandas won the settlement and forced the WWF to change it's name to WWE (World Wobbleis Enlargements).
Vince had employed several of the WCW wrestlers he thought might have somewhat an ability to actually wrestle, so this meant none of the members of the nWo where required. But Vince still owned the nWo, but never had any intentions to use it. His mind would change a few months later when Dick Shair stole co-ownership of the WWE from Vince. Vince decided if Dick wouldn't give his company back to him, he would destroy it. Dick did not listen to reason, and Vince was on the phone right away to Hall, Nash & Hogan to bring the nWo to the WWE and attempt to destroy it by having the nWo recruit every one in the WWE until the fans became chronically confused once again to who the hell was a member of the nWo and who wasn't causing people to switch over to watch something more interesting on TV like "Denver The Last Dinosaur".
The nWo appeared on WWE Raw the next night, and Dick knew that if the NWO started recruiting people again, that ratings would drop, people wouldn't watch anymore, and the WWE would lose all of it's stock value. Rick tried to brave and not cave in, but before you know it The NWO was recruiting everyone in site, and stocks in the company where worth -44 cents. Dick Shair made a deal with Vince that if he paid the -44 cent debt Dick owed now, that Vince could have the company back. So Vince now owned the WWE again, fired the nWo and ratings went back to normal. However, just before the rest of the nWo was fired, Hogan had been challenged by one of the most electrifying men in sports entertainment to date, The Rock. While Hogan was out with the nWo cutting a promo about how Jim Ross's chair was now part of the nWo and boring fans to death, The Rock interrupted the chairs induction to challenge Hollyweed Hogan to a match at Wrestlefakia, Man to Old Man, Steroids vs Millions and the Rock means Millions of dollars to be paid to Hogan to take a dive to him for a change.
Icon Vs. Icon[edit | edit source]
Hogan faced his biggest challenge yet, because Hogan is computer illiterate. The Rock icon version 2.9 had openly challenged Hogan to a main event match at Wrestlefakia, but how was Hogan going to slam a computer icon? Hogan had no friends with computer skills, all his friends from the Rock N Wrestling days had no clue how to work a PC. Things did not look good for the Hulkster. Come match day at Wrestlefakia, Hogan dawned his nWo gear, attached his colostomy bag and said a few prayers, but realized his steroids where going to be useless for this new age match up against the worlds most electrifying data entry wrestler known as The Rock.
Hogan entered the ring, and sat down at his laptop, while in the other corner, The Rock was already uploading his tactics to defeat Hogan. The bell rang and The Rock began feeding data to his Pentium Processor Powered PC, while Hulk fiddled with the buttons on his laptop trying to figure out how to turn the thing on. The Rock began an assault of hexadecimal coding chains that sent the crowed into a roar of excitement, Hogan tried to counter attack by praying to god to make his laptop boot up. The Rock then opened up MS Paint and drew a nasty picture of Hogan taking it up the butt from Jarred from Subway, the Hulkster was not looking good. For the first half of the match, The Rock dominated against Hogan, launching commands and making Rudee-pooh, candy-ass pictures that mocked the Hulkster.
But things started to change when Hogan found the power switch, and it looked like things where going to boot heat up. Hogan delivered the Rock the big boot up sequence that knocked the rocks computer off it's table. Hulkamania looked like it was about to load up and run wild in the background of Windows XP. The Rock began to look desperately for a way to counter hack Hogans big boot up attack, but he could not, the sound of "Welcome, Where would you like to go today?" echoed out of the speakers of Hogans laptop. Now Hogan was back in the race.
At this time, the nWo appeared with their newest members Stephen Hawking and Bill Gates, they where going to have them hook into Hogans laptop and help hack The Rocks desktop, but Hogan had a change of heart... he ordered the nWo to go back stage and stay out of this battle, this one he wanted to do fair and square.
The Rock quickly installed a nasty peoples Ibrow Trojan that he E-mailed directly into the heart of Hogans in-box. But something strange was happening, the crowed was beginning to side with Hogan, and fans yelled out commands and inputs for Hogan to try. It seemed like the power of Hulkamania was returning, Hogan soon countered the trojan by downloading an anti-virus and was back online and executing dos commands to block the Rocks attacks with a firewall that sent the crowed into a roar of thunderous cheers. Hulkamania was rising once again, and fueling the power needed to execute the 1.21 gigabytes of ram he needed to get to www.hulk-up.com. The Rock in a last desperation attempt, got up out of his seat and pulled the battery out of Hogans laptop that allowed his 3 count to be downloaded to the referees instant messenger service.
Hogan had lost the match. But the crowed where on their feet, cheering at both men for one of the most epic battles they had ever witnessed at Wrestelfakia. Hogan extended his hand to The Rock, and held his arm up to declare who was the better man. As Hogan was about to leave the ring, The Rock called him back, and to show great sportsmanship, he deleted the nasty photos he had made of Hogan from his hard-drive. Hogan and the Rock then in traditional Hulkamania fashion, flexed and posed together for the crowed for 9 weeks.
The next time Hogan was seen on Raw, he was out there to admit The Rock was the better man, and The Rock came out to give Hogan a thank you cuddle and offer him a night of spooning. But then the other members of the nWo appeared saying they where Hogans spoon buddies, not the Rock. The Rock then asked the Hulkster, who would he rather spoon with? The nWo or the people? Hogan could feel the power of Hulkamnia in the air, and all the little Hulkamaniacs who wanted him to return to the Red and Yellow panties and spoon with them. Hogan made the desicion, that Hulkamania was back, alive and well. The nWo where sent back to the fudge packing factory.
Retire Already Damn It[edit | edit source]
Hulkamania ran wild once again... for a week. Fans where reminded that Hogan's matches where usually a snore-fest, and the first rule the WWE set on Hogan was wear some pants cause his saggy wrinkly old balls where dangling out of his yellow knickers. So Hogan changed his look to a tie died pair of leotard slacks and whore a boa around his neck, now that he had gotten over his jealousy of Arnold Schwarzenegger and was now trying to out-do Jesse Ventura. Hogan even threatened to run for president of the USA by wearing Rey Mysterio Jnrs clothing and calling himself the Patriot. But the campaign was declared a bust when the people cast their votes that they didn't want Hogan running their country into the ground like he did the WCW, they where happy with the idiot they currently had running the country into the ground.
Hogan decided he may as well challenge the Undertaker to a 10 year old too-late rematch. Hogan lost the match against the Undertaker, and proved he couldn't take a bump anymore. The Taker choke slammed him and Hogan fell to the ground in one of the worst looking botched moves since Kevin Costner made Waterworld. Hogan reminded everyone that he could bore audiences to death with the same old matches he always had, fans where screaming for Hogan to retire already. But Hogan then set his eyes on Triple-H. Hogan informed Triple-H that there was only one man that should never put anyone else over in this business, and always paid off his opponents to take a dive to him. But Triple-H refused to stand down and be the #2 man to do such things. "H" told Hogan he was the new wave of the man who pays guys to take a dive to him, and that he would see Hogan in the ring. This kinda scared the shit out of Hogan, as "H" was the new generation of steroid enhanced muscle men, and he was not going to accept a bribe to take a dive. Hogans ego would not let him back out of the challenge tho, so Hogan ended up getting his ass handed to him by "H" and the fans thought finally, maybe Hogan would fuck off and retire now.
Hogan decided maybe it was time to retire, as Triple-H was not going to let Hulkamania run wild over him for a bribe of 20 bucks and a blow-job. So Hogan made the desicion, it was time to hang up the yellow and red panties, and finally go off and make Suburban Commando II.
Hulkamania Lives forever[edit | edit source]
In 2003 Hogan returned to the WWE to be inducted into the WWE Hall Of Shame. Hogan had also received a wide boost in popularity when his botched choke-slam the Undertaker gave him won the 1st place yearly prize on Americas Funniest Home Videos. The fans welcomed Hogan to the ceremony and wanted to see Hogan botch a move one more time, the crowed kept chanting, "One More Botch, Once More Botch" And Hogan said in his induction, "Never say never". Meaning Hogan may give the fans what they want, and botch up selling a move one more time for Hulkamania.
The end of a legend[edit | edit source]
In 2004 The Fartstink Kid, Shawn Micheals, aka: HBGay needed an opponent to take on the tag-team of a couple of foreigners, and with HBGay given the opportunity to select anyone he wanted to be his partner, he selected Hogan for some reason. He could have picked anyone, like Doink The Clown or The Gobbledegooker but no, he wanted Hogan. Why? We may never know, but Hogan accepted the offer and HBGay and Hogan teamed up to kick the shit out of the non-American team in traditional WWE racist stereotype fashion. Then as Hogan and HBgay where celebrating, HBGay got sick and tired of Hogan flexing and posing his steroid built muscles for the crowed, that he delivered the sweet chin music (super kick) to Hogans wrinkly old testicles.
The following night on RAW HBGay said that he just wanted to know what it was like to stop Hogan from taking so damn long to pose after a victory. And it felt good to just kick Hulkamania in the balls for all the bored to death Hulkamaniacs out there having to see a 500 year old man flex for hours on end. Hogan then stated a challenge to HBGay that he was not old, and that Hulkamaniacs loved to be bored to death by his victory poses... HBGay accepted the challenge and Hogan would take on HBGay for the first, and last time.
Hogan handed HBGay 20 bucks before the match, and said "take a dive kid, or I will make Suburban Commando II". With a threat like that, Shawn accepted the bribe and was happy to take a dive to Hogan. Hogan was victorious in what should have been his last match ever.
Wait, no its not[edit | edit source]
Hogan hadn't given the fans what they wanted to see, he had left the WWE and claimed he had retired, but the chants grew louder from fans to see Hogan botch up one more time. So soon enough, another challenger in the WWE started calling himself the "legend killer", a faggot by the name of Randy Orton. He would go out and beat up old guys like Mae Young and Tom Sellick, so this lead to him wanting to beat up the oldest known geriatric known to man in the wrestling world, Hulk Hogan. Hogan accepted the challenge, but backstage, things where a bit difficult. Randy was just a spoiled little shit, so Hogans bribe of 20 bucks to take a dive was not going to cut it. Orton demanded Hogan give him 25 bucks, and a buy him a pony if Hogan wanted him to take a dive. Hogan told Orton that kind of bribe was just ridicules & refused to pay it. Hogan told Orton he had no respect for his elders, and how back in his days kids would take a dive to him for a nickle, but Randy was too pig headed and would not give in to his demands. Hogan even threatened he would go and make another movie, but Randy arrogantly said he couldn't possibly make a worse movie then The Marine.
Hogan had never faced a challenge like this before, Orton was not going to budge on his deal, and Hogan was left with the proposition to pay the ransom money, or lose the match. Hogan decided, fuck it, he will try and kick Randy Ortons ass without bribing him to take a dive. So Hogan went back to his roots, and medicated himself up on super steroids, and told Orton to meet him in the ring at BummerSlam.
The day of reckoning came, and Hogan and Orton squared off. Orton showed his cockiness by giving Hogan a wedgie that left a mark for weeks, but Hogan fought back old school style and gave Orton one of the nastiest Chinese burns in known history. Orton began to shed tears from the pain, and went crying to his daddy to tell on Hogan for being a big meanie to him, but Hogan was the bigger man, and when faced by Ortons father, Hogan simply just picked him up and slammed him, then let go a dusty old fart that elevated him enough to land an atomic leg drop, that now looked like an atomic dust pile, sure Hogan didn't have enough power left in his ass to elevate himself like he used to, but it was enough to keep Papa Orton down and out. Hogan then focused his attention back on Orton who was trying to text his friends to come back him up, but Hogan summoned the powers of Hulkamania and grabbed the phone from Orton, slammed it the mat and gave it a leg drop. Hulkamania was running wild again, and the fans where cheering for him to botch up taking the RKO, so Hogan let him give him one, and Hogan successfully botched it old Hulk Hogan fashion by taking the move and not selling it, Hogan got right back up and Hulked up on Orton and slammed him, then slammed his dad ontop of him, then slammed the referee on him, then slammed a table and a chair and just about everything else the nWo once laid claim to, then Hogan took a deep breath, cupped his ear to the crowed, and ran into the rope and back to deliver one of the biggest farts Hulkamania had ever produced, Hogan blasted 100 feet into the air then shit his pants, and fell back to the ring with his leg held out and aimed it onto the pile of laying bodies and objects in the ring.... unfortunately, Hogan missed his target by 30 feet, but still managed to get back up and pin Orton for the 3 count.
It was the final botch in Hulkamania history seen in the WWE. Fans rejoiced and applauded that Hogan was now finally going to stop wrestling and not make a movie ever again.
Hulkamania Is Finally Over[edit | edit source]
Hogan retired from the WWE, and the world became a much better place. Flowers bloomed, and birds sung, clouds turned white and peace reigned all over the world. Osama Bin Laden joined Greenpeace, George W. Bush grew a brain, Bill Clinton had sex with his own wife, and the universe was ready to live happily ever after. - The End :)
Oh shit, he's not? you're kidding me?[edit | edit source]
The world was shocked to hear the news that Hulk Hogan was not done with Wrestling yet! Just a few short years after he had retired, he announced he announced he was going to wrestle again. This caused stock markets in wrestling to crash, toilet paper dropped by 15%, counseling groups where set up by lesbian dictators, the president retired and 90210 started advertising Dr. Pepper in every scene of their show and Australia declared war on Utah... but the tragic events died down and people breathed a sigh of relief when they heard who Hogan was going to wrestle for... like anyone would tune into that fucking wrestling company's show.
TNA[edit | edit source]
Hogan announced in a press conference that due to not being able to get financial backing to make Suburban Commando II, he needed a job now that his ex-wife's boobs had exploded from too many steroid injections & she used all the money for replacement titties. Hogan had asked his old bum chum Eric Pissoff to help him take over TNA wrestling. Hogan and Pissoff bought the company and then announced on TNA IMPACT that they where going to run wild on it, like they did in the WCW... meaning they would be able to take over a semi successful company and run it into the ground, then collect the insurance money to fund Hogans movie plans. Hogan was visited on the show by his old nWo buddies, who for some reason wanted to join with Hogan like nothing had ever happened, but Hogan informed them that everyone in the business has to botch things up for themselves, and that Hogan was now the king of botching things up, and he didn't need anyone elses help to drive the company into the ground. Hogan then fired all the TNA talent and brought back his old buddies like the Nasty Boys and Hacksaw Jim Duggen to help elevate the fastest sinking ship in wrestling history. Hogan is even contributing to the fall of TNA himself by wrestling again and boring fans to death with his botched moves & pay-out's to younger guys for taking dives to him. Once Hogan had achieved running the company out of business, it's Suburban Commando II or bust.
It's FINALLY over[edit | edit source]
TNA went out of business in September of 2014, Hogan finally had achieved what he set out to do, TNA was buried and left with memorable moments like when Hogan teamed up with Chuck Norris to take on Ric Flair and Dusty Rhoads in a "which of these old farts will manage to be able to get into the ring first without dying or breaking a hip" match.... which Hogan paid off the others to let him win in a total time of 4 hours and 23 minutes. And no one will ever forget when Sting let Hogan play bass for the first time in the Police reunion one night only special paper view event.
sigh, no it aint[edit | edit source]
In December of 2013, it was revealed that Vince McMahon had purchased TNA in a corporate takeover just to rub it in Hogans face that he now owned TNA and Hogan would receive no payout to fund his movie he had been trying to make for 25 years. And to rub it further in Hogans face, Vince told Hogan he owned the rights to the names Hulk Hogan, Hulkamania and Hulkamaniacs, and that all the time he had spent in TNA saying those words, where in direct violation of copyright infringement. So now Hogan had the choice to either pay his debt of $13.50 for the copyright infringements, face jail time or work for him once again helping move The Big Shows drunken ass around like he originally did for Andre back when he started. Hogan could not face the idea of having no money to pay off prisoners to take a dive and let them be HIS bitch, and Hogans ex-wife had spent all his money buying new tits for herself, so Hogan had no choice but to be the Big Shows pick up boy.
Is he done now?[edit | edit source]
Let's just say our prayers, eat our vitamins and hope Hulk never pisses off The Big Show enough for him to challenge him at a future Wrestlefakia, and we can also cross our fingers and hope when Hogan injects steroids into the eye of his dick he explodes like Mr Wonderfuckingfull did 20 years ago. But only time will tell if Hulkamania will ever raise it's head again and come back to bore the living shit out of wrestling fans across the world. Just keep the faith, Brotha, just keep the faith.
Hulks Music Career[edit | edit source]
When Hogan wasnt bribing younger DUDES to take a dive to him, he was found sometimes using some of the money he once had to record music. No one has the testicular fortitude to tell Hogan to his face that the reason his recordings do not sell is because... well, to put it in the words of the famous critics Siskel Butthead & Ebert Beavis... "Euhhh, huh huh, this like, sucks ass n stuff, yeah hehe.. you said ass". Hogan recorded his first song in 1845 with his drinking buddy steroid supplier, Jimmy "Fart In My Mouth & I will Go South On You" Hart, Hulk abused a bass guitar while Jimmy blasted out regurgitating sounds on his megaphone in a song tune noise they called "I'm Gonna Slam You If You Don't Buy This Song, Brotha". The song was was a mediocre hit in Russia, it debut at #5069 but was knocked out of it's position by Abbas "Mamamia" which is why Hogan hates all foreigners to this day. In 1993 Hogan put together a band called the "Wrestling Big Boot Band" and made one of the most unintentional hilarious albums of all time, simply titled, "Hulk Hogan and the wrestling big boot band"
The album charted even worse then his previous single. The album featured the #1 smash hit in Hogans mind, "Beach Patrol" which Hogan says is the greatest song ever written, and if you disagree with him, and your not American, he will slam you back to your home country, Brotha. The album also featured "Bad To The Bone" which shows without a doubt that Hogan is not the brightest tool in the shed as the song sounds nothing like the original, but Hogan defended it in an interview saying, "shut the fuck up, DUDE". The 3rd single from the smashed to pieces album was "I wanna be a nymphomaniac and have fun with my dead family and friends" which was a decent tune, but a bit before it's time. The 4th and last single was "Hulksters In The House Cause He Just Slammed Another Hulkamaniac and He Will Kick His Ass Again In Heaven and Slam Him Through the Clouds And Make Him Come Crashing Down So Hard That It Hurts His Pride Inside, Dude, Brotha, Nigga" which was just a rip off of Metallica's "Ride The Lightning". After the albums release and fail to make any money back for WCW records, a law was stated that Hulk Hogan may never ever record another song ever again in the United States. Thats when Hogan headed to Japan and recorded his only hit song, "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday" which was a super smash hit on the Tokyo bill board because anything that sounds as crap as that has to be a smash hit in Japan. Hogan now hates all the Japanese people now because the song was knocked off the charts by an even worse song, if you can believe it BROTHA called "Crazy Frog Sings: Hulksters In The House Cause He Just Slammed Another Hulkamaniac and He Will Kick His Ass Again In Heaven and Slam Him Through the Clouds And Make Him Come Crashing Down So Hard That It Hurts His Pride Inside, Dude, Brotha, Nigga - DJ Tanner Club Remix".
Picture Gallery[edit | edit source]
Hulksters father, Adolph Hogan
Lick it up, Nigga.
Why Hogan was forced to wear spandex tights in the end.
Don't Ask, Brotha!
Hogan doesn't say no to crack, DUDE.
The Atomic Leg Drop, one of the most elevating moves in sports entertainment history.
What's left of Hogans car after he slammed it into a tree.
Hulkamanias' hands run wild on his own daughter's ass.
See Also[edit | edit source]
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| The Conclave of Doom: Benedict XVI - Fred Phelps - Ed Gein - Enron - Evil Jesus - The United States of Arabia - Iran - |
Space Committee: Darth Vader - Gul Dukat - L. Ron Hubbard - Emperor Palpatine - Killer Robot Janitor |
| Music/Theatre Committee: Abu Hamza - Hannah Montana - Ke$ha - The Jonas Brothers - Disney - BBC - Viacom | Politics Committee: Adolf Hitler - Bill O'Reilly - Chairman Mao - Hillary Clinton - Dick Cheney - Glenn Beck - Kim Jong-Ill - "Ileana" Ross Lehtinen - Osama bin Laden - Robert Mugabe - Richard Nixon - Vladimir Putin - Donald Putinobitch Dump |
| Sports Committee: Michael Vick - Mike Tyson - O. J. Simpson - Tom Brady | See also: Axis of Evil Hot Dog Eating Competition - Baby Seals |
- Professional wrestling
- Axis of Evil-Doers
- Actors Who Unbefuckinglieveably Suck So Much Balls It's Hard To Imagine What Money Grabbing Cocksucker Gave Them An Acting Role
- Tedious pop culture references
- Superheroes
- De facto rulers of the world
- Articles about a person written in the style of that person
- Fighters