RoboCop
COMMAND.COM
LOAD BIOS
BIOS SYSTEM CHECK
RAM CHECK
CONFIG.SYS
1987.EXE
ACTION.EXE
SCIENCE FICTION.EXE
RATED R.MP3
MEMORY.DAT
PROPER CRIMINAL LAW PROCEDURE.EXE
FILE NOT FOUND
RIGHT ARM.EXE
FILE NOT FOUND
SYSTEM STATUS
READY TO MAKE SMALL CHILDREN SOIL THEMSELVES WITH AWESOME
Welcome to the force. The force can always use another good detective. At this point you may be overcome by a welling of pride from the base of your stomach.
However you would be wrong. Your stomach has been replaced with enough heavy metals to make Wolverine curl up in the fetal position sobbing. What you have known your whole life as organs are now a set of prostheses with greater firepower than a jewelry shop full of James Bond's watches.
For you are now a cyborg.
Don't worry, this is a typical event to experience around 20 minutes into a gritty crime drama about a Detroit overcome by violent crime.
This walk-through, written by the executives at Omni Consumer Products, should guide you during the first few weeks of the RoboCop program.
READ ME
You may have a few things on your mind right now. Exactly four things if our programing is correct.
These "directives" are three slight variations of robotic ass kicking in the name of the law. That is because, however much you supported the legalization of marijuana before, now you are essentially a weaponized volume of the Michigan penal code.
Our monitors tell us that you will stand as a shining light amid a broken society for your dedication to the law. Your massive, unwieldy gun and inability to communicate in anything other than phrases shouted in the gruff voice of a chain smoking knife gargler has made you a role model to all. Role models are important. Particularly when you will be firing their relations into the next state for strict liability misdemeanors.
When the founding fathers drafted the Constitution, people were still shitting themselves that steam power would become sentient. We think it is safe to say that they probably intended the fifth amendment to apply solely to human law enforcement.
"Well shit," you say. Everything human about me is sitting in that freezer across the room. I shall get my shiny metal ass out there and blast the crime rate into the ground.
If you think that rapist would look better with a bullet in his groin, go ahead. You want to test the aeronautical ability of a disgruntled council worker, I'd buy that for a dollar. When someone calls you out over your chronic aversion to the Miranda Warning you can just sit there blooping like every other armor-plated household appliance.
That is about the entirety of your future career right there. Mine... I have an executive toilet to attend. You could come and make holes in a junior executive like every other one of our products, but I'm not entirely sure how you work where toilets are concerned.
CREDITS
Now that you have settled in to your role as a robotic defender of the peace, you may wish to know more about the characters who have made RoboCop, well, RoboCop. We know most of the humble employees at Omni Consumer Products would say "Who cares if I worked on it or not?" but, it just wouldn't be a plot synopsis without them.
When someone fumbles the ball, there is always a man to pick it up. That man is Bob Morton, and the ball he picked up is the security of greater Detroit. Following the tragic failure of the Enforcement Droid 209 Series demonstration, Bob was the one to give the company direction in the form of the initial RoboCop prototype. Without Morton, RoboCop would have remained as something you may find in the thoughts of an over stimulated child, but Bob was there to shake the hands, reject the arms and taste the baby food to see his dream completed.
Bob represents the corporate worker unconcerned by the results of his enterprise, such as you may find alongside Michael Douglas on Wall Street. And, just like Charlie Sheen, Morton has a taste for the, uh, women money can buy.
None of this would be possible without the work of Clarence Boddicker and his team of 8 or so rogues. Certain divisions of Omni Consumer Products have seen fit to invest in the start up enterprise founded by Clarence, with high hopes for the only multicultural crime gang in the United States. I suppose you could say Clarence laid the groundwork for the RoboCop initiative, if by "laid the groundwork" you mean "brutally murdered a rookie police officer after an armed robbery."
As the main antagonist of the RoboCop program, Boddicker looks forward to being the beta tester of your weapons systems. He has grand plans to first be arrested by you during a hectic gun battle, in a test of your suspect apprehension programming, and then to be released on bail in a test of exactly how full of filthy money a Judge's pockets must be before they explode.
Did we say main antagonist? If Clarence provides the brawn to his side of a very devious equation, then Dick Jones is very definitely the brains. He's a vice president of Omni Consumer Products and so immoral he makes Bernard Madoff look like Florence Fucking Nightingale holding a bundle of sickly kittens; an average Wednesday afternoon for Dick involves willingly cutting the funding to the police force so that dozens of officers die in the line of duty.
What, you want to arrest Mr Jones? Go ahead. Oh, do you feel a bit tired right now? You can thank Dick for your fourth directive, any attempt to arrest a senior employee of Omni Consumer Products results in immediate shutdown. Unsurprisingly, as someone deeply sociopathic, Dick has gained quite a bit of programming know-how from spending too much time on certain chans.
Indeed, thanks must also go to said Enforcement Droid 209 series for their rigorous testing of the RoboCop kevlar armor. Although a number of aforementioned difficulties prevented the 209 Series from seeing active service as law enforcement on the streets, you will encounter two units assisting around the offices of the more elderly executives and directing parking at the Omni Consumer Products headquarters. Needless to say, as you are the replacement program for the Droids, your name is not on their Christmas card list.
Last, and very definitely least, Sergeant Reed and his division of the Detroit Police deserve a mention. Without their threats of labour action in response to concerns over funding, the RoboCop program may never have seen the light of day. A motley and rapidly declining team of detectives, they symbolize the declining fortunes of the working class American.
The precinct relies solely on Omni Consumer Products for both costs and direction after the sale of the Force by the State. Yes, apparently not even Michigan gets cold enough for public servants to put their hands in their own pockets.
TROUBLESHOOTING
Beneath an exterior of speculative fiction, the narrative of RoboCop conforms to the standard hero's journey. You, as protagonist, should overcome the complications inflicted by your enemies, on a path to the eventual rediscovery of who you truly are.
We warn you that finding who you really are requires more than a simple search function.
You may encounter certain technical difficulties during the early phases of robothood. As you are still a human at some base level, these difficulties will take the form of a member of the opposite sex, as per usual.
She will probably stop you in a hallway and ask you if you have a name. Like everything that asks for a username, it is easiest just to step around her right now.
Her name is Lewis, one of the surnames on rotation in unorthodox precincts for the last 30 years. You must remember that you are now a fine example of military hardware, beat level police officers will be fascinated by you. She is just a curious detective, easily distracted by new recruits, names and peeing African American men.
A few nights after the first issue, your brain wave readings may go off the chart. I personally do not have charts, but I assume the feeling is unpleasant.
Our team of lab-coated engineers tell us that this indicates you have retained the ability to dream. As a robot the only things that can get you hard now are the numbers 0 and 1, so dreaming isn't too great in that respect. However, you are fortunate, as dreaming is the single link to the relationships that existed in your life prior to your computerization.
We find it best you visit the abandoned house of your loved ones.
The easiest way to do this is to search for a gang member robbing a convenience store. He should answer to Emil or another race-neutral name. Should is the important word here, as in you should get ready for an explosion. Honestly, though, fire and brimstone are the equivalent of a bubble bath for your current body.
Once apprehended, scan Emil's rap sheet for involvement recent murders, particularly those of law enforcement agents.
You should now be in the state of mind to bring a terrible vengeance upon those who left you as a bag of bones on a coroner's table, and deprived Officer Lewis a partner. Congratulations, desire for revenge is an entirely human concept, or else every student who has used a microwave would be screwed.
Indeed, before the climactic meeting with Boddicker and his men, Lewis should offer to help remove your helmet and assist in correcting your damaged aiming system. Receiving a scene that displays the superiority of human emotional attachment over technology, and from a woman.
You lucky human, you.
The value of Lewis will be clear when the cavalry start blasting holes out of you following a failed attempt to arrest Dick Jones on suspicion of involvement with known criminal Boddicker. That is, in the sense she totally saves your ass. She will do the same again in your final confrontation with Boddicker's gang.
It isn't our place to say, but she must really, really like your ass.
If you have followed the process correctly, you should now be ready to press the delete button on Boddicker and throw Jones into the recycle bin from the 125th floor.
FAQ
Can I get one thing clear, you are saying I was actually dead?
You are legally dead.
You're the go to guy around here when it comes to legality, so I assume you know how that works.
The toying with the concept of death and resurrection means that you represent somewhat of a Christ figure. Your sacrifice will eventually see the eradication of sin in Detroit, as you hurl out of a window anyone who doesn't come quietly enough for your liking.
The gang which actually killed you in the first half hour of the film sets in motion a chain of events to create a better you, one who proceeds to kill the very same gang. Forgive them father for they know not what they do, indeed.
Also, you stand as a modern day Frankenstein's monster. Like Shelley's creature, you are created from the dead and fight to be respected as more than a product, but as a man. You will emerge victorious from a showdown with a purely digital Enforcement Droid 209, symbolizing the necessity of a natural component in technological and scientific progress.
Finally, you weigh two fucking tons and are made of titanium. If this is the afterlife, suicide rates the world over will skyrocket.
How come the demographics of Detroit are more like a game of cops and robbers than a usual American city?
Your in-built aiming system should have alerted you to the weaknesses of all the residents, for all are flawed in some way. Some are deeply corrupt, others overcome by pride and a few just fucking hate the fake ads that break the continuity of the narrative.
That is because the district you currently patrol has been zoned as a dystopia.
This makes it prime real estate for the development of deep social fractures, dehumanization and omnipresent monopolistic corporations. As we at Omni Consumer Products basically own your memories, you can probably account for the final of those three, but this should assist with the analysis of your surroundings in the mean time.
Ok, I understand all four pages of information you have given me. To repeat, I am a sentient machine that can determine right from wrong and who travels around with otherwise useless humans.
So, what do I transform into?
Wait, what?
