...Although, since you're already here it's kind of too late for this warning to actually be useful.
If a boss or coworker sees this article, claim that it was spam and blame the IT guys. Otherwise, continue to read it until your lewd urges are satisfied.
“Condoms are for noobs.”
Condoms, alias "rubbers", alias "sock", alias "Petes", were created by Adam Sandler as a cheap way to avoid buying balloons for poor clowns, haha. They were used to make balloon animals until one night that she was totally cooked, when Hillary Clinton sucked on one. The rest is history. A condom can also be a hat, a latex friend (if you have a permanent marker), cheap lubed gloves, and even a form of currency. Satan's daughter, Wilma Flintstone, created the birth control pill. The original pill can be found at the Smithsonian Museum, weighing 5.2 pounds, and as big as your fist. His son, Mr. T, created abstinence, a method of keeping people from having sex by telling stories about how if you touch other people your penis will fall off and land in another dimension where dogs will eat it. This story has been confirmed on a recent episode of Family Guy as well. He also created from the Latin vas ("nuts") and ectomy ("chopped off") the dreaded vasectomy ("vuss ACK tuh me"). Satan's fourth child, (Princess Diana), tried to live up to Mr. T's reputation and created condoms for women as part of the woman's rights movement, equal rights, and all that. She also created the diaphragm. Unfortunately, an angel hijacked her limo and drove into a brick wall. According to experts, if all you use all these devices simultaneously, then you will be banished forever to the world of Fat Chicks (Fh-at Chix), a species of Elephant People that gather together and discuss how much they crave the sexual amusement of men. They also have a tendency to eat, so if you come across one, be sure to not have any food with you. Being the educated scientist he is, the Pope decided to announce that condoms do not stop the spread of AIDS.
Why use Petes?[edit | edit source]
- Many people use Petes to reduce the overall enjoyment of sexual intercourse, for them life sucks!
- People use Petes as a magical cure to make sure to stop them from having babies, BEWARE: the magical cure can sometimes fail.
- Or cum in her bum.
- Also, saving said Pete after use and tying a knot at the opening, you may choose to cryo-freeze the specimen for later consumption.
- Trojan brand Twisted Pleasure Petes can in fact be used to secure screws into most types of wood or drywall.
- Unknown fact: Many people do not have to waste money on Petes with a more reasonable alternative than wrapping your package: cumming all over Pete.
- Petes are also good for use in place of a ski mask or oversized gym sock for those who do not require oxygen.
No really. Why?[edit | edit source]
Because it is the safe, responsible, and mature thing to do, and 'cause your girl won't lay you otherwise.
Condoms and children[edit | edit source]
From the age of 2–10 children have been educated in the proper use of condoms, and manufacturers target children by offering a wide variety of colors and flavors of those loved rubbers. In fact, it is a common misconception that fruit rollups are primarily meant as snack food. By the time children reach puberty they forget everything they have learned, choose to not use condoms and must be educated again. They have condom sizes from XS-S. Adolescents and adults with small ding dongs can use children's condoms.
Children love Mr. Condom. Parents hire him for birthday parties, Bar Mitzvahs, and even baby showers. (Ironic huh?) Parents love Mr. Condom because he is a great role model to children, and he encourages children to stay in school because this increases their chances of meeting a girl/guy and getting laid. Mr. Condom also likes to molest the children and get their fathers to anally penetrate them through the use of a candied bribe. Mr. Condom will fuck you, too. The only problem with this is that your children might not be satisfied completely, due to the absence of a hard object within Mr. Condom.
Wooden condoms[edit | edit source]
Until the invention of latex, all condoms were made out of wood and were known as "good, stiff woodies." This undoubtedly caused many complaints, such as lawsuits of splintered penises (and vaginas!). Many experts believe the early use of wooden condoms gave rise to the modern myth that women do not enjoy sex. But it has been a recent discovery that they do enjoy sex, they just use this excuse as a ploy to make men want to have sex with them more. Don't use a rubber band and clingfilm because it will just split.
In Catholic sex-ed, wooden condoms are given to young horny boys to teach them to "slow down", or risk that the friction from the intense love making could cause the wooden condom to combust, burning genitalia of both lovers and possibly the whole town down.
The DIY condom[edit | edit source]
If you're in a rush or in the middle of the Antarctic then you can make your own condom with a roll of clingfilm and an elastic band. By wrapping the penis with clingfilm along with using the elastic band to hold it throughout sex it will do the same job as a latex condom. Dr. J. Yrkmeeyov believes this method could be even better than the real thing: "Research has identified this as a very effective contraceptive method." Many pregnant spotty teenagers disagree.
The old condom[edit | edit source]
A condom may also be a building or outhouse in which units of property, such as apartments, are owned by individuals and common the naughty parts of the property, such as the toilets and floorboards, are owned jointly by the unit owners.
Many condom buildings are designed to protect their residents from the hazards of the outside world, especially rain. Condoms are offered in many designs ranging from simple models, which perform their duty with little fanfare; other models with lubricated exteriors built to slip through the elements with ease; or complex models with ridges and chemical treatments which directly stimulate their environments to a more desirable state. Regardless of their features, however, all condoms are disposable, usually used only once before being discarded. While this seems like an unnecessary and wasteful expense, its effectiveness cannot be disputed.
There is often a high density of occupants in such a building, and the walls are often poorly constructed. This can lead to them bursting in especially hot weather. Condoms can also fail, resulting in buildings that look quite similar, but are smaller.
To avoid structural loss of integrity:
- Never carry condoms in your wallet or stuff them into your glove-box. However, storage in a tank of liquid nitrogen is perfectly fine so long as they are thawed in boiling water prior to use.
- Always use rubber cement to hold the condom in place and prevent slippage.
- Never share or reuse your condoms with anyone except family members. Withdraw, take it out carefully, and tie it into your favorite animal shape. Then dispose of it properly by giving it to the neighborhood children.
- If your condom contains any rips, punctures or holes, repairs may be needed. Tape will not be able to keep it from leaking, but molten wax might just do the trick.
Since condoms are a serious way of protecting yourself from diseases, there is nothing funny to say about them — except to say that if you stuffed one with walnuts it would look like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Exotic rubber instruments[edit | edit source]
An absurd number of young females have begun experimenting, e.g. "french ticklers". (Caveat: both augmente le plaisir and "painful as fuck" apply anally.)
Metal condoms[edit | edit source]
Used for a brief while in post-WWII Germany, they were later removed from production due to media rumours that, "Metal in your vagina is as good as a straight Tom Cruise". After this, sales dropped considerably.
Barbed wire condoms[edit | edit source]
Exactly what it says. Whilst this method of contraception hurts like fuck, it is 100% effective and captures all semen. There is, unfortunately, a fifty percent chance that the woman's innards will come out too, including the vagina and at least one fallopian tube. One case reported the liver of a man being on the end of another man's dick after an act of sodomy using a barbed wire condom however the manufacturer, barcon, disputed this claim. It's believed to have been invented by hardcore wrestler Sabu.
Goat-skin condoms[edit | edit source]
An easy way for bestiality practitioners and furries to be true to themselves without alerting the authorities. Caution: may have ticks or fleas. Only the rare Capricorn-skin condoms have crabs, though.
Condom-skinned goats[edit | edit source]
Russian geneticists created these monstrosities after reading mistranslated reports about goat-skin condoms in the West. Thankfully they served as water-proof potato sacks once the insides were scooped out.
Nerf condoms[edit | edit source]
The choice condom of children. Mom loves them because Johnny and Timmy won't poke each other's eyes out!
Sandpaper condoms[edit | edit source]
A method of which sandpaper is glued to the condom and is used to make the insides of a females vagina smooth like your prepubescent face.
Smurf-skinned condoms[edit | edit source]
These radioactive-blue rubbers prevent sex altogether by bringing nostalgic memories of watching Saturday-morning cartoons to the guy, and making the woman laugh hysterically when the guy mentions this. While Smurfs are in fact mythical, Romanian law requires that these be manufactured from the actual skins of blue midgits (found in abundance near Soviet-era nuclear sites).
The female condom[edit | edit source]
As mythical as the female orgasm and the vaginal fart. As such, it protects from neither disease or pregnancy.
Condom X[edit | edit source]
This condom uses the capture-teleport method on semen. As semen touches the condom wall, it is absorbed and teleported to the Moon, which explains why the Moon is visually white. Because of this, the condom is reusable. It is most famous for having a superglue-type stick and 100% transparency. This condom has been concluded(by many teenagers) to be the best condom so far.
Warning: Condom X should be used only by professionals or specialists in the field. Beginners may practise with a regular test tube obtained from the nearest science laboratory.
After putting on your condom[edit | edit source]
Now that you know how to put on your condom its time to have sex with your woman ... follow these four simple steps to have a pleasant time.
step 1: Make sure five (or more depending on your mood) people are outside the bedroom where you're screwing your woman. (They can be friends, family members ... heck, even that old man across the street could participate!)
step 2: Now is when you have sex, make sure you make pleasant moaning sounds while you screw your woman like ... "Ooohhh ... OOOHHH YES YES ... OHHH," then you cum in your condom. If you're an anime person, cry while having an orgasm.
step 3: Congrats! Your condom is filled with your cum!
Eraser v. Rubber[edit | edit source]
Eraser v. Rubber was a landmark case in the Supreme Court of the United States.
Background[edit | edit source]
In 2012 Thomas Rubber, a British national, applied for American citizenship. During the process several adjacent files (e.g., RUBBER Tyre and RUBBER Band) were also being considered. The American government offered that his name be changed to Eraser; Rubber agreed. When Thomas Eraser heard the news, he was infuriated and said, "I cannot believe a British copycat could take my identity." Rubber responded by saying that Eraser had no right to interfere with his decision.
Reaction[edit | edit source]
On Facebook, the public took to two main sides one mainly comprised of British nationals who are self-identified rubbers and another mainly comprised of self-identifying eraser Americans. Not sure what this has to do with condoms.