A Special Message From Uncyclopedia To You (No, U), <insert name here>
Are you searching for <insert name here>?
- What follows is a personal message from the editors of Uncyclopedia to you.
You, <insert name here>, are wasting this internet site's time. You should be writing something, but instead you are just sitting there, waiting for it to entertain you. You could even be the Time Magazine Person of the Year. Don't you have any sense of responsibility? How can you live with yourself? Think about all the times you've laughed heartily at some passing rejoinder in the forums, guffawed mightily at a clever turn of phrase on your talk page, or even politely smiled at some article during your favorite Uncyclopedia program: HumorSearch. Don't you think you owe it to this wiki to put in at least a semblance of effort to return that favor? You should cease and desist all extraneous and benign activity and write an article.
- OK, that was incredibly rude, mate. Firstly, I think you should be the one writing the article, seeing as you are the one who bloody gives a damn. Secondly, by caring about what I do with every second of my precious time spent on Uncyclopedia and forming an essay on what I should be doing, you have wasted more of the common people's time than I could ever imagine. Thirdly, how can you live with yourself? You think yourself funny, don't you? Well I don't. You are an idiot and have problems. Bugger off.
What? Who says "bugger" besides Captain Price? Probably some British creeper. British creeper, whoever you are, you need to "bugger off", you filthy "wanker"!
And also, I don't see why you think so highly of yourself. If you really are what you think you are, then just write this article. Why do you think this is a waste of time? Why do you simply refuse to write? Why are you so egocentric, looking up yourself in this wiki. Why, you?
- Egocentric? Come off it. You probably don't even know the meaning of the word, and besides, everyone but you seems to agree I am definitely not egocentric. Unlike someone I know. Yeah, you. You think you're so cool, starting an article, asking people why they aren't writing, and you just put people off. They read your opening words and think, "I ain't writing on this wiki. Don't want to end up like him." You see? You are just an annoying twit.
Have you ever considered the feelings of others and not yourself? You should go and scribble on your notebook and use some of your famed powers to go and kill your writer's block. You, wasting your time, not contributing. You are an idiot. But you! You have done nothing to help. Instead, you act like you are dumb, searching random things on this wiki. And why? Just because you have nothing to do! Do something.
- You want to know the reason you haven't seen any of my contributions? You know why I don't write your stupid article for you? It's because you keep filling up the article with your useless writing, not leaving any space. You are the one who is wasting your time, because you are contributing! Anyway, you know as well as I do, your contributions are just like you – crap, annoying, and irrelevant. If you were lucky enough to see some of my article writing skills, you would realize how useless you are. But I'd rather dip my crumpets in vinegar than perform at your whim, thank you very much.
Admit it. You are describing yourself to me, offloading the burden that has been bugging you all this while. You think you can hide whatever you know you are by describing someone else (me) as ... you! Incredible. I have never come across such an infernally ignorant and rude person as you. And yes, I have seen your mediocre writing skills. Such as that one time when your article barely registered eleven units on the Unicyclopedia Board of Humor and Tourism's Page Ranking. And yet, my pitiful and useless way of writing has brought me twice as many glorious victories on the field of Unicyclopedia.
- Sure You can go on and on and on about how you haven't seen any of the contributions made by you but you are just so god damn in love with yourself that all you can do is talk about you. Sure, maybe youre right about you but is it really you who should be calling those shots? Seriously, you haven't thought about what you might be doing when all it is you can do is talk about crumpets, vinegar, and fucking Barbra Streisand. Yeah, you didn't think I knew about that did you? be serious now. You knew about all the barbra, barbados, barbosol and ... well, that cool knick-knack that was 2.45 at the gift shop. Still, it's up to you to decide.
Surely you realise that by asking why I haven't seen your contributions, you have contributed to the site. Therefore, I have seen your contributions. You really should have seen that one coming, Einstein.
- Oh, now you think you're clever, do you, you smarmy tosser? I said you hadn't seen any of my contributions, but in doing so I contributed. Wow. Aren't you smart! Well ... no. You aren't. In case you hadn't realized, the only reason I'm contributing to this conversation is to defend myself from pointless and untrue accusations from yourself. Surely you realise that? See, if someone sees that I have edited an article, they are much more likely to read it, than if they saw you had written it. I am actually trying to help you get yourself some respect on this website and its accompanying weekly newsprint! Maybe if you weren't so argumentative and just in it for you, you would realise my actions here are all for your benefit. But, anyway, you had your chance. I'm off now, leaving this pitiful discussion to die its inevitable death.
Death? This conversation will not die! Your articles are the ones that really suck. Honestly, you think you are helping me? Well, I think you are doing more harm than good. I've noticed people see you have edited the page and realize it will probably be just be as bad everything else you write, so they don't read it. You hear me? So please, actually, I would rather you didn't write any articles, if you are planning on writing the kind of rubbish you've already written.
- OK, now this is just getting harsh. You are saying I'm "rubbish"? What have I told you about strong words? I hate to say this to you, but you should just go jump off the London Bridge, and leave the article writing to us professionals.
So now you're agreeing with me! You're going to write an article!
- No, I said you shouldn't. Stop shoving your retched words in my mouth.
You think you're so great, don't you?
You think it's all about you, don't you? You think you're so much better than everybody else! Guess what mister, screw you! Nobody fucking likes you! Just beat it, freak! Go bother someone else! I've had it with that pesky attitude of yours.
- Hey! You're the one who's picking on a regular user from up on your high horse, your cocky, administrative horse. And unlike you, I've done things that actually matter in life, and managed it without stomping on other people in lower positions than me!
Yeah, sure. Like you've ever won something in your entire life. What's that I hear? Person of the Year? Yeah, you won that alright, just like Hitler and Stalin. You idolize them, don't you. Fucking megalomaniac.
You must be really confused right now. You looked up this page expecting to find an article funny enough to distract you from your boring, pathetic, worthless excuse for a life. Boy, were you wrong. Why don't you just go somewhere else. Hit the random page tab or something. That's probably how you got here anyway.
- Now I'll have you know that I-
Listen pal. Maybe you think you like ice cream. Truth is, you are an ice cream.
- I- huh? Ice cream?
Oh good. Now you must be really confused. But that's what you came here for. You should go. You should, really.
First things first
You should seriously consider getting married. You see that yew tree there? You do? Good. She's your wife. Kiss her. Go on. Good. You should now feel the screen pressing against your mouth. Doesn't taste very nice, does it? Well, that's tough. You should have known what would happen to you after kissing an image of a yew tree, you n00b.
- Well ... that's not what your mom said last night.
"Your mom" jokes; the ultimate sign of failure. You disgust me.
- Oh yeah?
Yeah. And guess what!
We know who you are. Yes, we do, stupid IP! Ha ha, see? I told you we know all about you ever since you joined Uncyclopedia. Now what, you are crying in panic. All your base are belong to us, you stupid IP, and we are coming to get you if you dare vandalise a thing here. We knew you would come to this page (you're self-obsessed like that), so we sent you a personal message. Don't just read this wiki, contribute to it as well! You gotta help us!
Plus, you suck. I mean, what kind of a user name is a stupid plain IP? Who in the world would think of such a name! IP! Only you, with all the time in the world to think up such a name. You're juvenile. You should go to jail. FOREVER.
- Now hang on a minute, you can't sa-
You know what? You're crazy.
- No u
Oh! And try this!
Yes, you should really try counting how many times "you" has been written on this page. You can't do this, can you?
- As a matter of fact, I can, but you're the one who wants to know how many there are, so I'll leave that job to you. Hint: there are two more now.
Quasi-Featured Article (8 April 2013)