Paul Bearer
“ My Underpants are riding into the dark-side”
“ Ohhhh yesss, I can feel him returning to a darker place, ohhhhhh yessss”
“ My Underpants-Taker will beat the living shit out of you”
“ AHHH, WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT BIGFOOT”
Paul Bearer is a famous fat, mentally unstable, gay wrestling manager, actor, poet, artist and member of the Mickey Mouse Fun House Club. He had his own inner demon belts with being a retard, but will mostly be remembered as being known once upon a time as "that fat fuck who used to escort The Undertaker in the WWF. As well as being the creepy fat guy who escorted The Undertaker to the wrestling ring to hold Takers purse for him, Bearer's job was to raise the purse that he called "Percey" high up in the air for Taker to see that no one had stolen his Pringles that he kept inside of it. Later in his career, Bearer got hungry and ate the Pringles, and got his ass whooped by Taker, and fired as the dead mans personal escort. Bearer then would introduce Citizen Kane to be his new toy-boy and challenge Taker to a revenge match that led to Kane and Taker falling in love with each other and running away together. This left Paul in such a state of heartache that he went home and tried to make a life via YouTube videos. He is also known to frequently rape himself, unfortunately Youtube wont allow those uploads and Paul is such a fat fucked retard he doesn't know what PornTube is.
Early Years[edit | edit source]
Paul was born out of a post-morning taco bell dump that took place live on Star Search in 1955. He was named Paul Bearer legally, but the family nicknamed him Cousin-Shit for no reason other then Gomez and Morticia Addams where on the judges panel that night. When Paul was little, he was smacked on the head repeatedly when he got his head caught in-between his parents groin areas when they where making love. For some reason Paul thought the gooey white stuff was Ice Cream. This caused him to be a retard. Paul grew up and had to write an essay for school. He wrote about a cat that he had. However, it didn't exist. The cat, Wilbur, could "do whatever the fuck he wanted to," according to Paul. This showed proof that Paul was a retard who would only get a job as a manager in the WWF or be a candidate for the President of the USA.
Mental Years[edit | edit source]
Paul Bearer became a wrestling manager since he had no brains and spent all his money on food, because he is a fat fuck. He met with Vince McMahon in 1989, Vince offered him the role of managing The Undertaker on a handshake deal for 2 nickles and a shiny-metal-object as long as Paul promised to feed Taker & walk him around the graveyard three times a day. Paul was told by Taker that his purse contained his favorite potato-chips and if anyone touched them, he would bury them alive as Pringles contain magical powers and Taker needed them to survive (Taker was also a retarded). Paul would do so for many years, escorting Taker to the ring, and holding the purse above his head so Taker could see no one had stolen them during his matches, all while Paul was trying his hardest to avoid temptation and eat them himself... 'cause he was a big fat fuck. Paul would resist temptation by yelling at the purse. He would yell things out like, "I WANNA TIT FUCK IT'S ASS" and "WHEN I FINISH SHITTING ON YOU, I'M GONNA TALK ABOUT THE MIGHTY DUCKS MOVIE". Paul later in life was filmed doing this at home and labeled "The Tourettes Guy" before he died from a phone call saying Vince McMahon wanted him to return to the WWE and would be paid in an empty container of Pringles that may have some crumbs left in the bottom of it.
Man-Kinda[edit | edit source]
Paul gave into temptation in 1998 and ate the Takers Pringles. Taker felt a disturbance in the force as Paul shit his pants in excitement from eating the crisps, tube and all, what a fat fuck. Taker grabbed Paul by the flab of his ass and pulled him into the ring showing enormous strength to be able to lift that great big retarded fat fuck. Taker then showed even more strength by lifting Paul up for a tombstone piledriver (a retarded wrestling move where Taker drops people on their heads so he can cop a feel of their balls in his face) and shaking him around upside down telling him to spit the chips out and give them back. Paul puked and Taker tossed him out of the ring and into a casket with just one hand! Taker put the projectile'd (its a word now, Paul Bearer said so!) chips, now in liquid form, back into his purse and proceeded to finish Bearer off. Bearer would try to run away, but fell victim to Taker breaking a dandelion over Paul's head. If only Paul wasn't such a fat fuck, he might have been able to out run the The Undertaker who has been recorded as only being able to run at .7 MPH. This left Bearer in critical need of a band-aid. Paul was rushed to hospital by medics and was lucky to survive the ordeal... not from the injury, but the fact that hospitals served him vegetables and salads.
The following week Paul returned to face The Taker with a friend of his named Man-Kinda. This new man was almost as much of a fat-blubbering-sack of shit as Paul was, only Man-Kinda had smaller tits and a mask. He would tell Man-Kinda to go steal The Takers Pringles. But Man-Kinda was also a big fat retarded fuck, and when he got a hold of Takers Pringles, he ate them himself. This enraged The Undertaker so much that he picked up Man-Kinda with one hand and threw him off the top of a steel cage that just happened to be around the ring at that moment! It sent Man-Kinda off the top of the cage and crashing straight down into a few hundred tables in one of the best moments in professional wrestling history according to Siskel & Ebert.
Now with Man-Kinda disposed off, Bearer had to find a new bitch who was as retarded as he was to take on The Undertaker with... but whom also wasn't a greedy fat fuck like him, and would get those damn Pringles from the Takers purse and into Paul's stretch marked surrounded mouth at long last.
Brothers Of Bumfucktion[edit | edit source]
Paul would return the next week with his new bitch, Citizen Kane. Kane was big, strong, and just as retarded as both Paul and Taker. In fact, Kane holds the record for being one of only 9 men in the world that can take a shit before an exam and lower his I.Q so much that he fails. One of the other 8 men in the world with that dishoner is of coarse Paul. The other 7 are seen on re-runs of Jersey Shore. Taker and Kane would feud for a few weeks, both showing they where as equally and impressively just as retarded as each other. Especially when Kane married a boot because he felt they where "soul mates". At the next PPV, it was set for the two two to meet in the first ever "Hell In A Kitchen" match. Flames surrounded the ring, and it got so hot that Paul lost 340 pounds during the event.
He was still a blubbering piece of fat shit after the match tho. During the match Paul would try to steal those yummy Pringles in Takers purse while Kane took care of business. 10 minutes into the match, Paul got his hands on the Pringles, and chanted, "Once I popped, I could not stop" then giggled as he stuck his hand in to grab a chip and said in his high girly-man voice, "OH, YESSSSSSS" before he came inside his own pants and munched away on the soggy Pringles that had not dried up properly since the bout where Paul was forced to give the contents he had eaten back to Taker. Suddenly Taker dove out of the ring through the flames and managed to break his fall by landing on a 7 year old fan in his extra padded wheelchair (a little insider secret of wrestling) all while Kane laid unconscious in the ring with his head jammed inside his own ass.
Taker slowly perused Paul down the isle towards the band area. Percy screamed obscurity at the Taker, "When I meet Jesus, the first thing I'm going to say is SHIT!" & "He's a PISSED OFF PUERTO-RICAN" but it did no use as Taker caught up with Paul 'cause Paul was a fat fuck and the walk down the isle had worn him out. Taker grabbed a bass drum from a drum-kit that just happened to be laying around near by, and rammed it up Paul's ass so hard it caused excessive bleeding. Paul yelled for a band-aid but Taker would not allow medics to treat Paul. Not even when Paul lost control of his bowels with gurgling squirts of wet brown lava flowing in all directions and an ass farting so loudly it was making the bass drum in his ass sound like the drum part of that Metallica song "One" where the singer sings "Land mines, have impregnated me, all that I see..." bit.
Kane then pulled his head out of his ass and jumped out of the kitchen surrounded by flames. He saw Paul was injured and laughed at the little fat-man with a bass drum sticking out of his ass playing the drum line to a metal song. He pointed towards him while gesturing at taker as to say "Did you do that?" Then Taker and Kane would leave together and travel off into the sunset, finding true love and happiness together. As they rode off, Paul looked all sad, and announced he was leaving the WWE 'cause he kept losing all his lovers. That, and it was now a pain in the ass... a bass thumping one at that! Paul left in sadness that night and was never seen on WWE television again... except on that night they showed "WWE's top 10 most retarded moments in history", which resulted pretty much in a 25 minute segment devoted to Paul's career.
Finding Jesus[edit | edit source]
Paul discovered in 1997 that he was gay. He decided to find the only other fat gay guy around. This man was David Crosby who was, at that time in a relationship with Barista. So Paul decided to kill Barista by smothering him with his fat ass. Once Barista was out of the way his relationship with Crosby started. He found Jesus with Crosby and they where butt-fucking each other in the name of Jelly toast (who knows, they where both retards remember?).
In April of 1998, Paul slaughtered Jesus with a hammer several times, showing the only signs of non-retard-ency he had ever shown. When he was done with Jesus' head, he sold it to a wrestler named Al-Snow for a belly-tickle and a hug.
The Battle Within[edit | edit source]
Paul Bearer suffered periodic episodes of intense, explosive, projectile, nuclear diarrhea. It was reported that he used to run up and down the streets of New York City screaming "Diarrhea is A Battle Raging Inside Me." When asked further about what this meant, he pooped his brains out of his nose, did a slight giggle, and pranced away skipping on his elbows.
The Racist Cow Incident[edit | edit source]
Shortly after Paul and David's marriage in 1998, Paul and David went to a farm for their honeymoon. Paul met a cow named Pee Pee, who allegedly called Paul a RACIST WORD. However, this wasn't true, since cows can't speak, and who the hell is David anyway? Paul was just a fat lying retard.
Death Of A Gayless-Man[edit | edit source]
Depression began to set in and his weight soared to over 5000lbs after he left the WWE. On October 32nd, 2006, he collapsed through his bedroom floor, into the kitchen, and onto a series of springs which bounced him into the garden, causing the death of 4 crushed apple trees, which slingshot him over the road, between two fire escape ladders and bounced off 3 parked cars. It was around this time that he received a call from Vince McMahon asking him to make an appearance at Wrestlefakia 20 alongside The UnderpantsTaker in a Fat Fucking Bastard on a Pole match. It resulted in a death like no other. The sheer phone call sent so much excitement through Paul, that his erection grew so hard that it punctured through his throat, and he choked to death on his own cum. At least he died happy. Paul will forever be known as the man who entered the world because his mother didn't swallow, but he made up for it all in the end. Paul is now buried in Death Valley where tourists come to stand on the mound that is his ass sticking out of the ground, looking like a place to park a bike if they came in a size that King Kong could ride. Paul's butt sticks out of the ground to an extent of 35 feet, which is astonishing, as he was in-fact buried 6 feet under in the traditional way. But that Paul, a blubbery little fat man who stood at 5'2, but was 6'5 when he sat down. Tourists have even claimed they have heard the butt rumble and suspect it is Paul's ghostly ass still going off, but scientist's say it is just that Paul was such a fat cunt, it will take over a century for his fat ass to decompose enough to let all the air out. They also predict that in the near future, Paul's dead ass may explode like a geyser, which will shoot so much shit high into the air, that it will be visible from the moon.
Related Links[edit | edit source]
