Death Valley

“It's not that hot”

~ Satan on Death Valley's Insane Temperature.

Death Valley is one of the world's fanciest inverted mountains, which is often confused with a valley for some reason.

Climate

The temperature of Death Valley usually exceeds the boiling point of dihydrogen monoxide and melting point of brie which is about 300˚C, especially in the good old summertime. Monsoon season is from August 27 4:51:03 PM to August 27 4:51:04 PM (PDT), during which time a single drop of life-giving rain falls on 37 billion square miles of parched dead ground, making absolutely no difference whatsoever. Scientists have recently discovered that the temperature in Death Valley does in fact exceed the temperature found in Satan's Asshole.

History

Ownership

Since the dawn of time, California and Nevada have fought many bloody wars over who owns Death Valley. California says Nevada does; Nevada has responded through court papers asserting California to be a big dumb jerk, a doody-head with a little girly man for a governor and they can take their fucking God-forsaken wilderness and put it up their Owens Valley. Arizona chose not take our calls and could not be reached for comment.

Exploration

Also since the dawn of time, Man has dreamed of climbing to the very bottom of Death Valley, but nobody knows why.

After many centuries of failed and disastrous attempts, the bottom was finally reached by the famous explorer Admiral "Clarence" Birdseye in 1903. The large party of sherpa guides that tagged along with the Birdseye expedition proved to be of no help whatsoever, so they all died of shame and hyperthermia (in that order). The plucky Admiral pressed onwards all by himself, until he confirmed with his GPS transceiver that he had indeed reached his elusive goal.

Soon after planting the Star Spattered Bangle in the very bottom of Death Valley and pledging his allegiance to it and posing heroically for National Geographic, Admiral Birdseye got lost in a blizzard of poisonous scorpions and was forced to eat his entire team of Yukon huskies, five of his own major and minor limbs, and a bland frozen TV dinner just to survive the harsh autumn sunshine.

Note that Death Valley does not really have any death in its modern history; on Sundays a man in a brightly colored bunny suit goes around supplying the cheerful abundant wildlife of the Valley with hand-painted marshmallows. mooo

Death

Calling it Death Valley is often a misnomer as no one has died there. In fact while in death valley you become immortal. This has lead to murders who just can't deal with the guilt of killing people to locate there.

Origin

Death Valley was originally called Deaf Valley, the name changed after an email was sent to GOD by a noob containing many typing errors and spelling mistakes. This email contained the ancient language '1337' which can only be read by monks and rabbits, it is widely believed that the valley was nearly called ULGGWPWTFBBQ Valley but GOD is a Pro Haxor and does not speak Noobish. Deaf Valley was founded in 315132462462463572475 BC by the Deafies, a large group of hunter gathers who communicated with the use of their hands, it is said that they wiped out one day when a smoke alarm went off warning them of a fire but nobody heard it.

Flora and fauna

Death Valley, during winter.

Flora and fauna of Death Valley
FLORA &/OR FAUNA:	STATUS AS OF 2024:
Death Valley polar bear	extinct
Death Valley water buffalo	extinct
Death Valley watermelon	extinct
Death Valley cactus	present and accounted for
The Grim Reaper	endangered
Bartlett's Thesaurus	deleted
Death Valley heat-resistant cockroach	endangered
Death Valley flying scorpion	plentiful
Death Valley buzzard vulture	extinct
Death Valley bleached skeleton	endangered
Death Valley girl	OMG, like, fer sher
Frankie "Death" Valli	extinct
Rudy "Death" Valli	extinct
How Green was my "Death" Valli	extinct
Lifeless volcanic ash	still thriving

See also

• Death Star
• Hell
• Blue Screen of Death
• Silicon Valley
• Silicone Breast Augmentation
• Helter Skelter