~ General Amir Khazaieli on Correct English
Correct English is often labeled as the least spoken form of English on Earth and, quite possibly, the universe (there's still some dispute on Mars and Pluto, though).
Correct English can be used for several purposes:
- To look knowledgeable without actually knowing anything
- To be hated on the internet
- To be hated in the south
- To be hated anywhere
- To get an A in Language Arts
- To get beat up on the playground after school
- To summon demons from the underworld to feed on the flesh of the living
- Ignore that last one
There are not many significant reasons for speaking Correct English. That is why Incorrect English is so popular.
Types of Incorrect English
"Yo yo yo Dawg! I'm a brother which mean I'm a go out 'n make sum rap CD so dat honky teens luv me and try t'talks like me! Byatch!" - Moe Jones (a black person)
Correct English Translation: I am African-American, which means I shall go forth and produce a rap album, so that Caucasian adolescents will love me and try to imitate my style of speech.
People who speak this language: Blacks, Whites, Teens.
"'/ |)!|) |_| 3\/3|\| |*057 50|\/|37|-||\|6 45 57|_||*!|) 45 74|-|7 |=46??!?!!? 0|\/|6 £0£ ! |-|437 |_|1!!1 0|\/|6 vv7|= £0£" - CheeseMonkey4667 (a user of the internet)
Correct English Translation: Hath thy senses left thee? Why dost thou speak with words so dumbe, oh homosexual? O shame! for what pity have I for thee!
People who speak this language: Anybody on the internet, Teens.
TO TRANSLATE IT: http://www.blaguesdegeek.com/translator.php
"Like, Oh my gawd! Like, Brad was all like 'I love you' and I was all like 'Gag me with a spoon!'. You know?! - Tiffany Morganson (some girl)
Correct English Translation: Brad said that he was enamoured with me, and this revelation did not please me.
People who speak this language: Females (predominantly of American origin) up to age 25, Teens.
"Martha! Git th' water hose! Dern Billy Bob is stuck in th' pipe agin!" - Jonathan Hicksmith (redneck)
Correct English Traslation: Billy Bob is stuck in the pipe again, and we shall require a water hose to get him out, Martha.
People who speak this language: The Majority of Southern and/or Dumb Americans, Teens.
Didn't Take Enough English Classes
"herro! You buy fish? Only five dollar!" - Joe Wang (Chinese-American)
Correct English Translation: My greeting to you! Would you like to purchase some aquatic fish? They cost but five dollars.
People who speak this language: Many Asian-Americans, Teens.
"m' nim is Puunjab, I widg JIHAD! alalalalalalalalalah!" - Puunjab Ifucmygoat (Muslim American)
Correct English Translation: Hello, good sir, my name is Puunjab and I have declared holy war, or indeed, Jihad, upon your infidel bottoms! PRAISE ALLAH!
People who speak this language: Osama Bin Laden, Taxi Drivers, Goat Burger Vendors, Puunjab, Teens.