The Edge

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search


~ Captain Obvious on Adam Copeland
Edge Likes You.jpg

The Edge is guitarist of Irish chincore group U2. He is also a good ol' superhero and professional wrestler as well as the inventor of Awesomeness Gayness. The Edge has gone through a lot of aliases such as The LEdge, The Spike, The Lotus, The Sting, Coolman, The Cool, The Heath LEdger, The Joe Satriani, The Police, The Phenomenon, Sonic The HEdgehog and Peter Criss The SlEdgehammer.

The Edge's nickname was created when he was 12 years old. He named himself Edge and stroked his chin to an amazing size. He currently ONLY uses 5 second poses and if he didn't have one he would be booed off stage. He aligns him self with fellow awesome people who screw other people over like Randy Orton

The Edge has so much hair on his head that the world will cease to exist if he takes his beanie off.

The Edge vs. The Pink Floyd[edit | edit source]

Edge, using his "supposed" celebrity status to skip out on the bill before they discover what happened in the hotel room.

The Edge is the official inventor of the 5 Second Pose despite Adult Contemporary musicians Pink Floyd having tried to claim the idea theirs. Researchers and real scientists have come to the conclusion that Edge originated this trend but nevertheless the legal dispute has lasted for centuries now and Pink Floyd have claimed that they will not rest until they have full rights of the craze. Syd Barret said "AAAAAAAAA!" on the matter. Many have pointed out the fact that Pink Floyd where making music many years before Edge but this has just raised more questions on the authenticy of Pink Floyds music.

Sound samples for your own judgement.

The Edge - I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For (1987) (with Bono on tamborine)
Pink Floyd - Another Brick In The Wall (Part 1) (1979)

It is suspected that The Edge actually wrote some of Pink Floyds material and members Pink Floyd have been misattributed writers of their music. It was found in 36 BC that in fact Edge had written Another Brick In The Wall and originally called it Another Brick in LALALALALALALAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA NOOOOOO HE DOESN'T EXIST, NEVER DID EXIST YOU NEVER HEARD OF HIM EVER's head

Dave Evans[edit | edit source]

The Edge switching personas.

During the day The Edge wears his disguise under the name of Dave Evans. After removing the cap, wearing tacky glasses and dressed in a suit The Edge is unrecognaizable not only to the public but even his fellow superhero Bono wasn't able to recognize him.

“I was like walkin' and this bloke comes up to me and says his name's Dave. And I'm like let's go save some starvin' children lad.”

~ Bono on Dave Evans

In Metropolis, The Edge (as Dave Evans) works as a reporter at the Planet, "a great metropolitan newspaper" which allows him to keep track of ongoing events where he might be of help. Largely working on his own, his identity is easily kept secret. Fellow reporter Lois Lane became the object of Dave's/The Edge's romantic affection. Lois' affection for The Edge and her rejection of Dave's clumsy advances have been a recurring theme in The Edge's comics, television, and movies...

The Chin[edit | edit source]

(Wrestler) Edge's Chin is equally matched with Chuck Norris' beardfist. He really enjoys spearing woman/men/transvestites with his chin although it is chinflected by the Chin/face of the Great Khali who's chin is far superior to all except the great foot of Chuck Norris.

Family[edit | edit source]

The Edge's youngest daughter.

As with all superheros The Edge pussied out and married to an irrelevant person and produced his superhero daughter trio Hollie, Arran and Blue Angel. Although Blue Angel obviously being the most powerful off them all the trio can join into an amazing tri-delta attack that shrieks like a guitar. Some say they're harpies other say they're sirens but due to the fact that no one has lived their horrid voices no one really knows what they look like.

The Edge beat the following people[edit | edit source]

Mitchell, Elisha (PhD)[edit | edit source]

As a professor at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill he discovered the height of Mt. Mitchell. Mt. Mitchell is the highest point east of the Mississippi River. When Elisha Mitchell returned to verify his earlier measurements The Edge got the better of him and Elisha Mitchell fell to his death in 1857.

Antoine Rakamora[edit | edit source]

Tony Rockyhorror was giving Mia Wallace a foot rub when her husband, Marcellus Wallace walked in. Unfortunately for Antoine, Mr. Wallace brought the Edge along with him. The result was Tony getting thrown through the roof of a greenhouse, in which he got buttraped by a cactus.

Gilbert, Jessie (chessplayer)[edit | edit source]

A British teenage chess champion has fallen to her death as she sleepwalked straight from The Edge of an eighth-floor hotel room.

Joker, The (villain)[edit | edit source]

He was ultimately defeated by The Edge when he fell to his death from a church tower.

Mike Wallace's (journalist) 19 year old son.[edit | edit source]

The death of his 19-year-old son, Peter, who fell to his death off The Edge of a cliff in Greece in 1962 on summer holiday from Yale.

Gruber, Hans (megalomaniac)[edit | edit source]

Fell to his death from the 32nd floor of the Nakatomi tower while playing leapfrog with John McClane and The Edge.

Hart, Owen (Canadian wrestler)[edit | edit source]

Hart fell to his death in Kansas City, Missouri on May 23, 1999, during the WWF's Over The Edge PPV event. Edge then pinned his corpse after cashing in his "Singles Push in the Bank" contract.

Gale, Philip (scientist & musician)[edit | edit source]

Gale fell to his death from a classroom window on the fifteenth floor of a building on the Massachusetts Institute of Technology campus. He had no idea how close to The Edge he was.

Cena, John (Black man, PhD in thugonomics)[edit | edit source]

Cena died after The Edge's Penis threw him to a 9000-watt light. "Hey that was m-" - Big Show | "Shut the fuck up!" -Edge

Thwagger Thwoaring Eagle[edit | edit source]

Edge killed the Thwagger Thwoaring Eagle after a Spear. Edge then tried to kill PETA officials who tried to arrest him.

Things Edge Likes to do in WWE[edit | edit source]

  • Pose for 5 seconds
  • Climb ladders only to fall off them 5 seconds later
  • Hit people with chairs when they are sleeping
  • Run into people, apparentally this is called a spear
  • Run into people off a ladder, defying the laws of gravity and physics
  • Destroy lives in general
  • Pull his hair back and show off those pearly whites!
  • Stamp his feet
  • Grind his teeth
  • Steal Triple H's stuff
  • Scratch his head and look menacing
  • Brag about stuff he's never done to John Cena
  • Stroke his chin, and beard
  • Put head up and look down
  • Go Crazy
  • Make out with Lita
  • Get dumped by Lita
  • Make out with Vickie Guerrero
  • Wish he was still making out with Lita
  • Make Lita retire
  • Taunt
  • Marry fat women just to use their power
  • Mumble things to their faces while spitting in rage so it sounds like "YOU SUNCSHS OF AAR BITSCHS!"
  • Cheat to win agianst Balltista
  • Win all ladder matches ever in existance. "Wait...what about?" -John Cena | "Shut up! YOU SUNCSHS OF AAR BITSCHS!" -Edge
  • Win at Wrestlemnia. "Wait...what about?" -Mr. Kennedy, Undertaker, Cena and Jericho | "Shut up! YOU SUNCSHS OF AAR BITSCHS!" -Edge
  • Wreck Homes
  • Laugh at people he just screwed over
  • Reek of Awesomenessgayness
  • Bore people with countless feuds with The Undertaker, John Cena, Jeff Hardy and Batista
  • Make out with Vicky, but thats because he gets paid a lot
  • Look worried when he has to, then laugh and stroke his chin again
  • Ask J.R. where he got those fantastic shoes
  • Shake his head when he talks
  • Scream as if he is Chris Jericho circa non-pussy years
  • Stroke his hair to make people notice his hairdo which was clearly the inspiration of Chuck Norris
  • Squint
  • Steal boyfriends
  • Have sex celebrations in front of billions of people around the world on National Television
  • Hump the ring canvas while thinking of Big Show.
  • Switch WWE brands
  • Capturing tag team gold a record 12 times
  • Grow a beard
  • Shave his beard
  • Screw The Undertaker over
  • Get screwed by The Undertaker
  • Run through smoke
  • Sandwich people's heads with chairs{non gay way}
  • Sandwich chairs with people's heads{really non gay way}
  • Wear a trench coat like a child molester
  • Blow chunks while Christian holds his nuts
  • Getting genital warts (Genital Warts Rule!)
  • Drink sodas (Sodas Rule!)
  • Beat up black men from Africa Jamaica
  • Steal John Cena's championships from elimination chambers.
  • Make his wife wear the pants in the familyThreesomes
  • Watch fat men fuck his wife
  • Ignore his "brother's" return
  • Brag about beating Cena in front of Chris Jericho
  • Make Jeff Hardy Sandwiches on ladder bread{oh who am i kidding}
  • Divorce his wife
  • Get himself injured by Jeff Hardy: Drug Addict
  • Win tag-team matches with his BFFs Chris Jericho, Hulk Hogan and Kurt Angle
  • Insult moronic marks in a manner where by it is impossible to make a comeback
  • Return to the WWE after the internet community told him to do so
  • Make Chris Jericho cry like a little baby
  • Eat Slim Jims
  • Call Heath Slater a Wendy-looking ginger Edge-wannabe
  • Beat up laptops with a steel chair
  • Rid the WWE of everything that is stupid
  • Spear the Thwagger Thoaring Eagle
  • Make Jack Stripper Angry about Pwning the Thwagger Thoaring Eagle
  • Edgecates as sharpshooting even if it's not in tribute of Bret Hart, eh?
  • Destroy pure-Mexicans' yelling destiny before fuck up something in his spine and quit.
  • Help his brother for the championship title vacated by him.
  • Attempt to fuck an orange-haired petite-but-tough woman from the island left of England verbally.

Musical Endeavours[edit | edit source]

Edge has in fact been in a "family" band with his "brother" Christian Cage. They lasted about 15 years but only ever recorded 3 songs over 2 albums.Their first album, 'Long Live the Zoo' (released as iViva La Kazoo! in Mexico, where they personally requested it was to be released) was a successful chart topper including 2 songs and a brief interlude separating them. These songs were "You think you know me" and "The Game", separated by the interlude "Oh don't get mad, we can play your music too". Their second album was recorded as a symphony, only using percussion and vocals. The album was released as "For the Benefit of Those With Flash Photography" and only went for 5 seconds. The song on the album came to be known as the 'Conchairto' and consisted of a loud crack of a skull between 2 steel chairs. Edge then later released this as an extended solo piece on multiple occasions. These were compiled into an album known as "Conchairto: A complete anthology". It reached number 1 on the Billboard charts and stayed at the top before it was roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris all the way out of the charts.