Origins and Early History
Wonder Woman was created in 1941 by one-time U.S. president Elvis (inventor of the lie detector). Early issues were devoted to teaching his radical political and social views to young impressionable children. Among these are his belief that men secretly desire to submit to strong women, that all women are inherently bisexual, and that most women enjoy a good spanking now and then.
In the comic book, Wonder Woman is a Lesbian from Paradise Island. The Lesbians are a race of women from Ancient Greece who have sequestered themselves away in an all-female society. Free from masculine destructiveness, they are able to harness the virtually unlimited potential of their vaginas. Hercules, hearing that Queen Vulva wore a magic chastity belt that was indestructible as well as making the wearer irresistible, challenges her in battle. Although quickly defeated, he gives each Lesbian a pair of "bracelets of feminism" so they would always remember, even though they shunned makeup, they could at least accessorize.
Humbled by their encounter with Hercules, the Lesbians leave Greece for Paradise Island, an uncharted isle deep in the Bermuda Onion Triangle, an area of the sea where most mechanisms, including the male apparatus, lose altitude. The Lesbians felt this was the perfect place to perfect their "non-penetrative" sciences.
Their veil of seclusion was not perfect, however, as Colonel Steve Trevor penetrates the sanctity of their island home. After he crash-lands on the island, Queen Vulva holds a contest to determine who will have the honor of killing him. The Lesbian Princess Diana, daughter of the Queen, wins the contest, but becomes fascinated with the concept of penetration when she thrusts her sword through his heart. As penetration is forbidden in Lesbian society, she is exiled from her island home, and decides to journey to the United States, the home of the man who awakened her true women's desires. She adopts the United States flag as her motif and battles various villains, including the Dyke of Deception, a straight woman who leaves behind a chain of heartbroken women by disguising herself as a Lesbian; the Speed Maniacs from Mercury, a group of men addicted to methamphetamines who leave their women less than satisfied; and Queen Clita, who rendered all men impotent with her immense womanhood.
In the 1960s, Wonder Woman started wearing white outfits, even after Labor Day, and acquired a sidekick named Wonder Girl. Wonder Girl, being a girl from man's world, first introduced the concept of the bra to Wonder Woman. Since no "man's world" bra could encapsulate Wonder Woman's massive endowment, she used her scientific genius to adapt the techonology of her invisible jet in creating the world's first invisible, anti-gravity brassiere. Thus, the Wonder Bra was born.
Subsequently, when Marv Wolfman was given the task of thinning out an over-crowded DC Universe, the characters Wonder Woman and Wonder Man were merged during the Crisis on Infinite Earths crossover event. In the new continuity, Wonder Woman's pre-Crisis adventures were deemed to have been imaginary stories, or to have been stories about her mother, and Wonder Man was phased out in an epic plot that saw him undergo gender-reassignment surgery and emerge as the new, post-Crisis Wonder Woman.
Posing first as a nurse and then as a War Department secretary by day and a star spangled stripper by night, she quickly developed a completley forgettable supporting cast consisting of her boss and alleged love interest Steven Tyler, and, at various times, comic sidekick Etta Candy (an overweight, red-haired, slang-speaking sorority girl with a sugar addiction), semi-serious sidekicks Wonder Girl and Wonder Tot (time-traveling younger versions of herself), and her lookalike mother, the Drag Queen of the Amazons. Villains included: Egg Fu (a gigantic Communist egg with a tentacle-like Fu Manchu mustache and a thick Chinese accent); the Crimson Centipede (a giant red Libertarian insect with one hundred feet); the Blue Snow Man (a warm, pink Liberal woman overcompensating with a "telescopic snow ray"); consumer activist Ralph Nader (who insisted she install invisible seat belts and air bags in her plane no matter what the cost to Big Business); Adolf Hitler and His Nazis™ (a state run by sexually-repressed Fascists which invaded and occupied defenseless countries to increase its power, unlike the American and British regimes which would never DREAM of doing such a thing); stereotypical alien races (warriors from Mars, fairies from Venus, the Speed Maniacs of Mercury, the Joss-Sniffers of Jupiter, the icy dwarfs from Pluto, etc.); mythical creatures (like giant winged dragons or African-American hockey players); and countless male criminals who, in the stories' final panels, frequently turned out to be confused or misled women in disguise.
Justice League Membership
Much like all members of the Justice League, Wonder Woman had to complete a series of impossible tasks to gain entrance to the Justice League. Her membership was assured when she uprooted a mountain from the Rockies and carried it to Rhode Island; carved out an interior with her bare hands and provided it with mod furniture from her boutique, and using "Lesbian concentration," was able to keep the dirt floor spotlessly clean. In contrast, Aquaman gained entrance to the League by providing the headquarters with an aquarium; Flash was voted in when he collected all their fan-mail in seconds; and Green Arrow joined when he provided a dart board for the recreation wing.
Wonder Woman's exertions on behalf of the League, however, did not go unnoticed by her male colleagues. In a unanimous decision, they voted her to the role of honorary secretary.
The Television Series
In the 1970s American television was awash with strong, independently minded female characters. Critics bemoaned the lack of 2-dimensional female characters in skimpy outfits pandering to male audiences, and thus the Wonder Woman television series was born.
After an exhaustive talent search, lasting all of twenty minutes, it was decided that then US President Jimmy Carter's daughter, Lynda, should take the role. Erin Gray didn't even get a look in, despite having screen-tested positive for the role.
At first the show was set during World War II, with the main villains being Nazis. Producers hoped that the combination of a scantily clad woman and healthy doses of fascism would provde a winning formula with the American public. And they were right. However the show suffered much rivalry with The Six Million Dollar Woman (about the adventures of America's most expensive hooker) and ratings suffered as a consequence.
Critics claimed that the World War II setting meant that Ms. Carter's skimpy costume was not revealing enough, and that the subtle 'high comedy' scripts were too intellectual for most viewers, who simply wanted a quick jerk off. Also at the same time, in a bid to gain further funding, the producers of the Wonder Woman show signed an exclusive deal with a major Polyester clothing manufacturer. All this meant that when season two of the show aired, the setting had been moved to modern day 1970s, the title character's costume was even more revealing, the scripts were even more dumbed down, and at least 47% of the cast in each episode wore Polyester.
To further promote the miracle man-made fibre, Wonder Woman adopted a new head-to-toe Polyester 'wonder swimming outfit', 'wonder motorcycle outfit', 'wonder astronaut outfit' and (in one episode) 'wonder spot welding mask and gloves'.
Wonder Woman faced many costumed villains in these episodes, including the Turtlenecked-Karate-Chief, the Turtlenecked Stooge, and the Turtlenecked-Motorcyclist. As Wonder Woman is nothing if not fair, she would give herself a handicap so as to make the villains feel better about their abilities, the first step in Wonder Woman's Villain-Transformation technique. For instance, she would often ride a motorcycle to chase her adversaries, when she was clearly faster on foot; or she would often take a refreshing dip in a pool before swimming after a villain making a getaway in a boat. Sometimes she would simply stop chasing a foe altogether, a crucial step in the process of augmenting the villain's feeling of self-worth.
Wonder Woman's best friend in these episodes were a snide, know-it-all computer, and a robot chihuahua who could produce mail, travel tickets, and suntan lotion from its butt.
The lyrics of the television theme tune were as so:
- "Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman,"
- "The world is tired of waiting for you,"
- "To do your lipstick and pick a dress,"
- "Just wear your satin tights,"
- "We're sure you'll look alright,"
- "Even if the cold may turn you blu-u-u-e."
- "Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman."
- "How long must we keep waiting for you,"
- "To fix your hair and earrings too..?,"
- "We're sure you just can't loose,"
- "In those high heeled shoes,"
- "No, your bum ain't too big, that's the tru-u-u-th!!"
- "Wonder Woman,"
- "Gets me out from under, Wonder Woman."
- "All our hopes are pinned upon you,"
- "And the magic that's sublime,"
- "If you'd just vacate,"
- "The bathroom before it's too late,"
- "You might actually solve some cr-i-i-i-me!!!"
- Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman,
- You're a wonder, Wonder Woman.