Lois Lane
“Lois Lane is Superman!”
“Lois Lane? Superman’s girlfriend. (Keep it quiet.)”
Lois Lane attended Metropolis U and learned absolutely nothing. Except possibly bad fashion sense. (Example: that white skirt in Superman: The Movie. Geez.)
Perry White would like you to think she is a super terrific reporter. That is an elaborate, poorly constructed front. Just like that sentence.
In all her incarnations, she has failed to:
- make a connection between Clark Kent and Superman
- remove the parsley from between her teeth
- smile straight
- stand straight
- have a good hair day
- quit smoking
However, it is a little beyond the pale to accuse her of being the only one who hasn't made the connection between Superman and Clark Kent despite the fact that several bellboys and a pizza deliverer have sworn to have seen a bespectacled man rushing out the doors of the headquarters of what Perry insists on calling the greatest newspaper ever and pulling off his clothes in a telephone booth to reveal thermals underneath. Very bright thermals ...
Puzzling indeed is Lois's inability to put two and two together and see quite plainly that Clark Kent and Superman have the same height, knowledge, periods of endless flatulence, ridiculously optimistic views about saving the world and an annoying tic with the left eye when they spot the hot dog stand from across the street. Some viewers become quite irate that Lois is incapable of discerning that both Clark and Superman use the exact identical sweep of the hand to remove hair from her face – usually at a precise ninety-degree angle. It may well have been that Lois was lousy at math or she just may be lousy at most things.
The actresses[edit | edit source]
To be fair, casting her has been a nightmare. Most A grade actresses refuse to be parted from the leading man for fear of being given only two lines the entire film. Since Superman barely tolerates the presence of Lois and spends most of his time saving the world, this renders the role somewhat undesirable to actresses with acting skills. This requires casting B or even C grade actresses to the job and it shows.
In her Kate Bosworth incarnation, Lois stunned audiences with her imitation of a five-year-old attempting to wisp like a 40s screen idol who had smoked one too many. By this stage, the producers had given up any thought of Lois being a journalist as it became clear she had too few in the belfry to sustain this con any longer. Instead, she was relegated to being the distant-cousin-of-someone-who-saw-a-journalist-from-100-meters-away. She was also engaged to PansyMan. Unfortunately for SuperClark, PansyMan was a real match and had managed to avoid developing any nervous ticks. Unfortunately for Lois, PansyMan saw through Lois and gave her to SuperClark on a silver platter.
In Lois's Erica Durance incarnation, she was cast only for her bra size. This was a fortunate turn of events because she actually managed to seem like a true Lois Lane. Of course, the undoing came with the teenage whining and lack of logic. Wait a minute, this was in keeping with character after all ...
Superheroes who had relations with her[edit | edit source]
- Superman married Lois in Vegas and divorced her in Jersey.
- Batman took her up the batcave.
- Green Lantern, when he was in denial about his homosexuality.
- The Thing, after Lois expressed curiosity over the nature of his penis.
- Rorschach showed Lois what it is to be nasty.
- Spiderman broke up after the whole "Mary Jane Watson" thing.
- Airplane man broke up after he was elected to Congress.
- Person Man broke up when he got depressed and became a mess.
- Captain Planet broke up when Lois was caught littering.
- Mary Jane Watson lezzed it up with Lois after the whole Spider-man thing.
