Blackest Night
DC Comics promised no more Crisis mini-series, so instead they made a Green Lanterns mega-max mini-series named Blackest Night. Basically all dead superheroes come back as undead space zombies named Black Lantern Corpse and wear Black Lantern rings. Yeah Fanboys, better get ready to max out your credit cards for this new Crisis er ah Green Lantern tie in mega-maxi mini-series. Which will one day be an expensive trade paperback and movie so DC Comics can earn even more money in the future. The promotional DC Comics poster for the series is below:
History[edit | edit source]
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At the beginning of time, there were a white light of creation. Then, some dick turned the light off, and replaced it with a whole bunch of bright colours. Some smurfs thought that it would make a good rave and also took a couple of roofies while they were at it. Then, the oldest Smurf thought it would be funny to give some guys some gay, disco rings and they could fly around the universe in tights, fighting for all things slash fan fiction.
When the Green Lantern corps were created there seemed to be other colored power sources fueled by emotion throughout the universe. Yellow Lanterns (Sinestros), Blue Lanterns, Red Lanterns, Orange Lanterns, Violet Lanterns (Star Sapphires), and Indigo Lanterns. Who are powered by Fear, Hope, Rage, Greed, Love, and Compassion. But in the Big Book of Oa by the Smurfs known as Guardians there was a chapter 777 named "Blackest Night" that was forbidden to be read by anyone. It was the forming of the Black Lantern Corpse with Black Rings that turned dead people into undead space zombies. So instead of warning everyone, the Guardians kept it a secret and murdered anyone who learned about it.
One Green Lantern Abin Sur knew about it, but the Guardians made a deal with him to keep quiet, he told Sinestro and then later on Hal Jorden. Fearing the prophecy would come true the Guardians turned Sinestro into a villain, and then later he found a yellow Qwardian power ring that uses Fear instead of the Green Lantern Willpower. Hal Jorden was exposed to the yellow weakness in the Green Rings known as Parallax and he went nuts with it and tried to kill the whole Corps. But later Hal Jorden lost the Parallax parasite after dying a few times. He was shouted at by Kanye West - he thought Rorschach had the best death ever - so he decided to come back as The Specter but then he was shouted at by Superman for trying to copy him.
Who was raised from the dead?[edit | edit source]
First Black Hand was raised from the dead by Scar the Female Guardian with Black Lantern powers powered by the corpse of the Anti-Monitor powering the Black Lantern power battery in sector 666 of space. Then Ralph and Sue Dibny were turned into Black Lanterns and killed Hawkman and Hawkgirl and then we learned each heart the Black Lantern carves out of a living being's chest and eats gives them 0.001 of recharge for their Black Lantern ring. Hawkman and Hawkgirl got Black Lantern rings. Black Hand, it appeared dug up Batman's aka Bruce Wayne's dead body and the skull was charged by Darkseid's Omega Sanction beams so Batman's skull coughs up Black Lantern Rings. If that wasn't creepy enough turned out Aquaman had died and nobody knew and he became a Black Lantern as did Martian Manhunter, Superman of Earth-2, the original Firestar, and many others.
But why?[edit | edit source]
DC Comics needed a lot of money, the Watchmen movie didn't do too well, and Superman was again being battled for in the civil courts to the original owner's family who tried to squeeze more money out of DC for the Superman comic books, movies, and TV series. So DC Comics had to raise more money. The first month of Blackest Night comic books will net DC $80 per Fanboy, and each month at least $80 after that. So for 12 months about $960 if you don't count the other 5200 tie ins. DC Comics decided to raise their dead via the Black Lantern Corpse and turn them all into space zombies that carve out hearts and eat them to repower their Black Rings. After all, Marvel did their "Marvel Zombies" series and it did well, so DC now has to do a Zombies series of their own.
Apparently the managers, editors, artists, and story writers of DC Comics are all Orange Lanterns powered by greed and the quest for more money. So as long as they keep creating creative comic book mini-series like this one, they will stay in the money for a very very long time.
The Rainbow Corps is founded by Oscar Wilde[edit | edit source]
Not wanting to be left out of the fun, the Rainbow Corps is formed by Oscar Wilde as the Rainbow Guardians give out Rainbow rings that can use any color of the emotional spectrum. Oscar used to be dead, but the Black Lanterns brought him back, and then Oscar got one ring of every color for favors done for other Corps members and combined them all into one ring for the Rainbow Corps.
The Green Lanterns recruit Bruce Campbell[edit | edit source]
The Green Lanterns recruit Bruce Campbell from S-Mart to lead their Corps against the Space Zombie Black Lanterns. It seems Mr. Campbell has experience in dealing with zombies and the evil dead. After most of the Guardians are killed by Scar, they make a truce with Sinestro and give him a green ring to lead his own group with Bruce Campbell against the Black Lanterns aka Death Lanterns bka Space Zombies.
Undead Space Zombie Black Lantern Superheros tend to suck less[edit | edit source]
In Final Crisis somewhere off page Aquaman died due to lack of water and one of his weaknesses, exposure to air. But now as a Black Lantern Aquaman tends to suck less and is less pathetic. Other dead super heroes tend to be less pathetic as Space Zombies for the Black Lantern Corpse.
Now suddenly Aquaman has more fans and readers and is no longer the most pathetic and weakest super hero. It is only because of his Black Lantern powers, but in fact he had to die first before he became a Black Lantern. If Aquaman is somehow converted back to the living without the Black Lantern powers, he becomes weak and pathetic again.
Besides not only can he talk with live fish, but now even undead skeleton space zombie fish obey his commands! Imagine being attacked by a horde of undead space zombie skeleton fish, finally Atlantis can seek revenge on the surface world for killing off all of the fish in the ocean and bring them back as an undead army.
Long John Silver and Captain D, and other seafood restaurants beware the power of the undead Aquaman and his death fish armies! Hey McDonalds give me back that Filet'OFish, give me back that fish!
Oh oh I hope nobody orders any sea food from now on, and have to face the wraith of Undead Aquaman and his undead fish armies! The horror, the horror, from now on I'll only eat vegetarian and leave the ocean alone.
Eh then again, when compared to the other undead super heroes turned into Space Zombie Black Lanterns, Aquaman does suck more than the rest of them. After all, how can you swim in outer space and breathe water in outer space?
Members of the Black Lanterns[edit | edit source]
- Every dead Green Lantern, because, you know, they made Black Hand angry.
- Aquaman because he actually sucks less when undead.
- Martian Manhunter,you can't keep an alien dead for long, now can you?
- Silver Age Atom's wife, Jean Loring, after all we want to bring them back together again.
- Firestorm, because someone with that sort of power can't stay dead for long.
- Elongated Man and his wife, Sue Dibny, because DC felt sorry for killing them both off.
- Michael Jackson, the fans demanded it.
- Farrah Fawcett, because DC comics really liked that poster she did in the 1970's.
- Adolf Hitler and the Nazis, so they can at last eliminate the Jews, because the Jews cann't be neutral in the Blackest Night. Although the Jews will win, for sure.
- Deadman (Wait, what the hell? why's he a Black Lantern? he's already a ghost, so he shouldn't be one.)
- Your dead cat, because PETA said so.
- All of Spongebob's victims over the past few years
- George Washington, because he kept rolling over in his grave every time someone violated the US Constitution.
- Saddam Hussein, did you think hanging him would get rid of him forever?
- Adam West (eh, he was overdue anyway)
- Earth Two Superman, who else is going to invade Smallville and kick Superman's arse?
- Johnny Depp's career post-Pirates of the Caribbean
- Ed McMahon, someone has to give out those publisher clearing house checks, nobody else was qualified so they brought him back.
- Walter Cronkite, because that's the way it is, and someone has to report on Blackest Night.
- Black Lightning, Black Adam, Black Manta and Blackman are all members because writer Geoff Johns thought this would be clever....*sigh*.
- Terra, so Beast Boy can finally get laid
- Benjamin Franklin, because the world needs his witty comebacks
- Kanye West's mother, so she set that boy straight
- Joseph Stalin, so he can reclaim his spot as the leader of Russia.
- Akiza from Yu-Gi-Oh 5D's; she's not dead, she just wanted to get back at all the morons who made her life miserable
- Heath Ledger, because he's cool and he deserves it?
- Abe Lincoln, because he wanted to get back at the Republicans for being such failures
- Richard Nixon, so he can have revenge on those meddling reporters and Deep Throat for ruining his scandal
- David Carradine, so he can track down his killers and kick their asses old school style.
- Billy Mays, so he can go back to promoting useless crap like DC mega crossover comic books.
- Kira Knightly, because she was dead inside anyway.
- John F. Kennedy, because he does not want to be left out of the action
- Elvis Presley, because the former King of rock and roll must rise.
- Johnny Cash, so he dosen't want to be left out while Elvis and Michael Jackson are fighting the living.
- Andre the Giant, who else is going to kick Hulk Hogan's ass?
- Paul Newman, the fans also demanded it.
- All the Old West characters. Even though Jonah Hex and Scalphunter can't figure out how to pull out a stupid heart.
- Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Kid Flash, Green Arrow, Ice, and Animal Man. Why though, well, we're still working on that one.
- Kurt Cobain, so he can kill Courtney Love for causing his suicide.
- Ash Ketchum, because his horniness was too strong to pass up. No, Ash, leave Misty's ass alone! Noooooooooooooooooooooo!
- Brock, because it was convenient.
See Also[edit | edit source]
- Infinite Crisis
- Green Lantern
- Final Crisis
- DC Wikia Blackest Night entry
- Wikipedia's Entry on Blackest Night
- Blackest Night 101 at Io9.com
