Final Crisis
“...Wait, what?”
Final Crisis was a craptacular sequel to Infinite Crisis in DC Comics Infinite Quest for more money. It killed off a few more characters, turned the 52 Earths into 5200 Earths, and brought DC Comics a revenue of eleventy billion dollars for the years of 2008-2009 that it ran. It was developed to fight the Marvel Secret Invasion series that ran along side Finial Crisis.
The Final Crisis[edit | edit source]
Turns out DC was losing the rights to Superboy, and killed off Conner Kent aka Con-El bka Superboy by using Superboy Prime renamed as Superman Prime after absorbing the Green Lantern energy from killing a Guardian and absorbing the energy to give him big muscles despite his tiny penis according to Mr. Myxylplx. As a result Superman Prime joined forces with Sinentro and the Sinetro Corps of Yellow Lanterns, Cyborg Superman, and a cast of other villains. It had a 51 issue Countdown to Final Crisis that came before it.
Darkseid hatched a plot to take over Earth via the Anti-Life equation as the New Gods got reborn as people on Earth and had to be awoken after the New Gods got killed off by Darkseid via magic bullets.
Infinite Crisis was called the Middle-Crisis and this was to be the Final Crisis if you don't count "Trinity" and "Blackest Night" and other Crisis-like miniseries.
Not to say that DC won't do another Crisis series, they are all Crisis series, just under different names. DC's editors had Mid-Life Crisises and had to come up with new ideas for new miniseries to make more money. Nothing like another Crisis involving multiple Earths or Universes or whatever.
Anyway it was an awful series that cost too much money to the average comic book fanboy to collect. The story was so bad that it burned the retinas of any Fanboy who dared read the Miniseries.
With over 5200 comic books to buy and collect, it is the biggest Miniseries to date; although, most of the comics where crossovers and unrelated DC Comics marked "Final Crisis" on their covers just so DC could sell them even if they had nothing to do with the main 7 Final Crisis books.
“Worst Comic Book Miniseries Ever!”
“Most Profitable Comic Book Miniseries Ever!”
“Ow ow ow, my eyes, this comic book miniseries burns!”
Plot[edit | edit source]
There is no plot, as usual. Bad guys try to take over the Infinite Earths, Good Guys try to stop them, some of them get killed, new characters get discovered. DC rakes in billions with $5 Comics that span 52 issues or more including cross-overs and prequels. As usual the story makes no sense at all, and it is just random fights for no reason, and DC history gets retroconned again.
No really that is it, there is no plot, just a conspiracy to sell more comic books by DC by doing yet another "Crisis" series of comic books and spin-offs and tie-ins. If not, DC Comics would go out of business as their normal books are boring as all Hell.
The Effects[edit | edit source]
- Aquaman dies in his mutated form with a squid on his head, but another Aquaman is seen battling Darkseid and then never seen again after the Miniseries is over.
- Barry Allen comes back as The Flash, now there are Four Flashes again. But this time Barry Allen becomes the Black Flash.
- Conner Kent aka Con-El bka Superboy comes back to life.
- DC settles the Superboy Lawsuit and Superman Prime is renamed as Superboy Prime and is a villain again but this time against the Legion of Superheroes of three worlds, where he is also the Time Trapper.
- Batman dies after shooting a magic bullet at Darkseid and only wounding him, Darkseid uses his Omega Beams on Batman and leaves a Batman corpse, but Batman is also sent back to the stone age at the end of the series and keeps dying and being reborn as Batman on parallel Earths. He gets sent back in time, and has a Bat belt but no Sharpie marker to mark "I am Batman, I was sent back in time to the stone age, someone with a time travel power come rescue me!" so instead he keeps dying and being reborn as Batman and each life is worse than the last one. WHY, JESUS, WHY?!
- With Batman's death/disappearance, all hell breaks loose in Gotham.
- Green Lantern John Stewart becomes one with the Void Hound.
- The Martian Manhunter gets killed by the Human Flame using his only weakness, fire, and spins off a Final Crisis - Run miniseries of seven issues for $5 an issue.
- Superman rescues the Kryptionan City of Kandor from the Bottle Braniac kept it in. Everything is fine at first, until the U.S. government kills Zor-El, Supergirl's father and Superman's uncle. This makes his widow Alura a little unstable, so she turns Kando into New Krypton, a planet counter orbit to the Earth. Also, she frees General Zod. Superman joins the New Kryptinian military and lets Mon-El the Daxamite take over for him on Earth.
- Jimmy Olsen loses his special powers and becomes a Cub Reporter again.
- Wonder Woman has to fight all new Male Amazons created by Zeus, led by Achilles, to replace her Female Amazons.
- About six other Lantern Corps start forming for one epic showdown that's supposed to be bigger than Final Crisis, but still not counted as a crisis. In addition to the Green Lantern Corps and the Sinestro Corps of fear, these include the Red Lantern Corps of hate, filled with pissed off Hulk wannabes, the Orange Lantern Corps of greed, with people trying to steal all the government bailouts, the Blue Lantern Corps of hope, who strengthen Green Lantern rings but otherwise don't do anything themselves, the Indigo Tribe of compassion, basically an army of space hippies, and the Star Sapphires of love, an army exclusively made of hot women who will end war by spreading love, hopefully free. Also, the Black Lanterns, who are all dead. How much of a problem can that be? Oh wait, the undead you say? Yeah, that could be a bit more of a problem.
- Ambush Bug gets a really good comic book named "Ambush Bug Year None" and married Dumb Bunny, but turns out Nobody Cares about Ambush Bug anymore.
- The Justice League of America disbands under Black Canary, after deciding that Hal Jordan was a jerk for forming his own League.
- Keira Knightly is sent to the Phantom Zone because everyone realizes that she sucks at life.
- Dick Grayson aka Nightwing becomes the new Batman and Bruce Wayne's homicidal bastard son Damien Wayne becomes the new Robin.
- Hal Jordan gets a Blue Lantern ring and then Larfleez the Orange Lantern rips off Hal's hand and steals it.
- Booster Gold becomes a real hero with Ripp Hunter but cannot tell anyone about it and acts like a real prat around the other heroes.
- The Riddler gives up crime and becomes a Detective to compete with Batman.
- Catwoman has a baby girl and gives her up for adoption after killing the Black Mask who tried to kill her baby girl Helina.
- The Black Mask returns from the dead to take over Gotham after Batman is considered dead.
- Fritz the Cat gets stabbed in the back of the head by his Ostrich ex-girlfriend, no more making cartoon porno movies for him.
- Popeye loses Olive Oyl to the Sea Hag, turns out they are both Lesbians. Olive Oyl and Sea Hag get married in California before villain Fred Phelps had it overturned via Prop 8, so their marriage still stands. Sweet-Pea grew up selling Broccoli instead of Spinach, and got Spinach condemned due to that E Coli scare.
- Barrack Obama becomes President instead of John McCain because Lex Luthor did a smear campaign against Sarah Palin because she sided with Superman on most of the issues and Superman is an Ultra-Conservative Republican.
- The Joker goes on vacation to California beaches and leaves Ronald McDonald in charge of his gang. Nobody seems to notice the difference until Gotham City has a McDonald's on every corner and all of the kids are fat.
- Scooby Doo still exists but now the monsters are real, jinkies!
- Star Trek was rebooted and Kirk and Spock are young now, and Nero blew up Vulcan and Old Spock traveled back in time to try and stop Nero and make his young self be less Emo and more logical.
- Superboy Prime is exiled to Earth-247 aka Earth-Prime and becomes powerless after meeting himself as the Time Trapper and punching himself from the future. Now Superboy Prime is a forum troll at the DC Universe forums.
See also[edit | edit source]
- Final Crisis
- Secret Invasion
- Infinite Crisis
- Blackest Night
- "Blackest Day Whitest Night Secret Wars Invasion Infinity Gauntlet Final 52 Crisis of Infinite Closets" (coming soon)
