Green 'Darn Tootin' Lantern is a superhero featured in DC Comics. First appearing in the pages of Blaxploitation Comics, he is the wielder of the Bling Ring, an all powerful alien artifact created by an enlightened race of creepy, blue alien midgets who spent their first millennium of peace and prosperity searching for the perfect high.
History[edit | edit source]
The quest for the perfect high pissed off the Bug Up Your Butt people, who cursed the creepy blue aliens to fight robots for all eternity. Too busy fighting robots, the creepy blues ( who incidentally called themselves the Guardians of Everything or some other silly shit.) created the Bling Rings for the Green Lantern Corps. to take care of all the other chores they were neglecting, like mowing their lawns, or washing the dishes. The Green Lantern Corps., however, like all unsupervised work forces, spends most of the time screwing around offsite.
One particular lazy Green Lantern, Abin Sur, was hiding out after faking a sprained ring finger to collect Workmen's Comp. Ironically, while on Earth he did sprain his finger in a kegger accident, and was promptly dissected when he visited a local hospital for treatment. Just before being hacked open by curious scientists, Abin Sur sensed the latent funk soul power in the hospital's janitor, Dave Chapelle, and passed his ring on to him.
Dave Chapelle, like all Earth people, knew how to use advanced alien technology better than any of the stupid aliens that invented it in the first place did, and upon becoming the Green Lantern for our sector ( whatever the hell a sector is ), vowed to use his powers to uphold justice and goodness. To this end he founded the Justice League, fought lots of super villains, and slept with as many beautiful white women as possible.
Today the Green Lantern stands proudly as one of the coolest but most ignored superheroes. His exploits are often overlooked by most of the mainstream media, while a clip of Wonder Woman sneezing would get airplay on at least 5 cable news channels. Sometimes life's a bitch, ya know what I'm saying?
Other Green Lanterns[edit | edit source]
Many have tried, and failed, to live up to the Green Lantern namebrand.
- Sodomy Att: Best green lantern ever. Even Jackie Chan is afraid of him!
- Alien Scotch: A hobo the government recruited to become the Green Lantern. Scott had the bright idea that if he traveled back to the 30s and did some superheroing then historically he'd be the original Green Lantern. Dave Chapelle went back to the 30s and whooped his ass. Alien Scotch now lives in a poorly funded nursing home, where the orderlies are mean to him and never change his bed pan.
- Mike "Hal" Jordan: Is seldom shown in the comic series, except when he is stealing product placement jobs from the real GL. Loves 13 year old girls that are really 232 (earth) years old just look 13. Sodomy Att is even afraid of him. The most awesomeness GL in existence
- Kyle Rayner: Another government stooge who's tried to steal the Green Lantern's flavor. Would change his costume every time Green Lantern whooped his ass in an attempt to make people believe he was somebody else. Nobody was fooled, and eventually all of his loved ones committed suicide by locking themselves inside of a refrigerator.
- Gay Gardener: Convinced the government that only a "fly white Guy" could take Green Lantern down and got his ass whooped like everyone else. Is believed by many to be loosely based on rapper Vanilla Ice. He is most famous for mouthing off to Batman and being downed after one punch. Mooned Batman, got a Batarang upside his ass.
- Jon Stewart: While working as a Construction worker(His life's secret passion). Jon was approached by Mike "Hal" Jordan (Earth's then present Green Lantern). Jordan Told Jon That because of his tremendous willpower, and his ability to work with Stephen Colbert He had been selected by The Guardians of The Universe to become Earth's new Green Lantern. Though reluctant at first Jon accepted, and was quickly trained in the ways of The Green Lantern Power Ring. Eventually Jon was a full Member of The Green Lantern Corps, and had many adventures. Though upon His coming back to Earth he realized that he had been replaced by Stephen Colbert as host of The Daily Show, and Kyle Rayner as Earth's primary Green Lantern. Though he eventually returned to his TV show, and has since remained an Active Lantern He has had few adventures recently. The High Points of Jon's life in recent months has been that he realized that he was the only fully Non-lame member of the Justice League of America.
- Kilowog: Hal Jordan's pet hippo who became a Green Lantern too! They did a lot of stupid shit like this back in the Silver Age.
- Ch'p: Earth Rodent turned superhero as a Green Lantern.... Seriously.
- Justin Timberlake: was rumored to approach the role, but he said to the DC Comics Films Industry, "I ain't gonna be THAT kinda sexyback green 'cause it makes me look like a fatass when combined with black and white and made into a Superman-like outfit. So, brrrrrrrring it on down to Teen Titans....and....*NSYNC in progress, yeah! And HA!"
- Ryan Reynolds: Being Deadpool, and Hannibal King was not Good Enough for the BAMF (Bad-Ass Mother Fucker) known as Ryan Reynolds. So Ryan Called his good friend Iron Man, and asked to borrow one of his sets of Armor. Ryan used this armor to fly to the Planet Oa to demand that The Guardians of the Universe give him a Ring. The Guardians accepted this request on the Condition that he use his Power Ring to help the other Corps Members defeat the Fear entity known as Paralax. Ryan decided to travel back to Earth, and Ignore the Guardian's request. Paralax then proceded to eliminate the Green Lantern Corps one by one. Which left Ryan as the Universe's only Green Lantern for a Few Years (Up until Geoff John's decided on bringing Kilowog back to life.....).
Green Lantern Villains[edit | edit source]
- Sinestro: An alien with a big purple head who got mad that Green Lantern sexed up his sister. Is considered to be Green Lantern's arch-nemesis (after white people in general). Sinestro recently decided to hand out yellow-colored Bling Rings, like the Guardians of the Universe handed out green Bling Rings in the backs of cereal boxes, even though there is only one true GL! He didn't realize, however, that GL no longer has a weakness to yellow things. He is currently taking a job as an office temp to pay off the loan he took out to pay for the rings.
- Black Hand: A honkey who had a black man's hand surgically grafted to his arm, in hopes of it improving his basketball and fighting ability. Gets whooped by Green Lantern when the writers think they're using Sinestro too much. He recently gained the ability to kill any white people with the touch of his black hand. Of course, GL has to stop him, because the less white people alive, the less asses there are to whoop. He us now super sized to be a Black Lantern herald of death in Blackest Night.
- Dr. Polaris: A disgruntled X-Men fanboy who incorrectly believes he is a mutant with magnetic powers. Typically throws refrigerator magnets at Green Lantern until he gets tired of it and whoops his ass.
- Goldface: "He's the man, the man with the Midas touch, a spider's touch." Goldface is a villain who doesn't do much of anything, except be colored gold. Green Lantern's Bling Ring used to have no power over anything colored yellow, but he whooped the color spectrum's ass until it gave in, so now he can affect any color in the universe. Goldface gets his ass handed to him like everybody else.
- Hector Hammond: A mutated computer geek who traded being able to move for mental powers. Damn! Talk about mental! He can't get it on with any of the ho's! Hates Green Lantern 'cause Lantern got GAME and he don't! He often tries to live through GL's mind, but GL just whoops his cripple ass.
- Yellow: Coldplay IS kryptonite!
- Wood: Only an enemy of Alien Scotch but still..... Come on!!!
- Larfleeze/Agent Orange: The only vaguely awesome character in the comics. A satanic warthog/baboon/camel thingie with an orange ring that embodies Ayn Rand's principles to the fullest. Can kill people and ressurect them as orange light constructs.
Green Lantern's Oath[edit | edit source]
Green Lantern didn't really have to say this to activate his ring, he just thought it was a cool thing to say. He is usually accompanied by a chorus of random men singing: "Go Lantern! Go Lantern!" or sexy female back-up singers who repeat whatever Isaac Hayes says in his omnipresent jazzy introductions. On rare occasions, breakdancers will show up. Also, the oath is the first recorded evidence of the Lantern's hatred for cripples.
You who is wicked, evil and mean, I'm the nastiest brutha you've ever seen! Come one, come all, put up a fight, I'll pound ya'll cripple asses with Green Lantern's light!
The oath is sometimes followed by "bitch!" but is usually regarded as optional depending on the Green Lantern.
“Makes me sound badass don't it!”
“I'll give YOU a bad ass!”
See Also[edit | edit source]