Justice League Europe
Justice League Europe (also EuroJustice League) is an organization of European superheroes who dedicate their lives to defending "truth, justice, bureaucracy and the European way." Their Secret Underground Headquarters is located in Brussels and employs over 100 translators and 300 administration staff.
History[edit | edit source]
Justice League Europe was set up in 1986. At first the league operated unofficially but their actions were largely welcomed by EU (then called EEC) authorities. With the signing of the Maastricht Treaty, Justice League Europe was given and official basis in European Law along with EU funding and a shiny new headquarters in Brussels.[1]
Members[edit | edit source]
- Captain Europe is the leader of the Justice League and is responsible for all executive decisions. Captain Europe is not a single person but rather an office that is rotated between EU Member States each year. The office is currently held by Diego Cortez of Spain.
- Uberwoman is a former East-German weightlifter who was disqualified from the Olympics for her repeated use of steroids and testosterone and was subsequently banned for life from weightlifting. She relies totally on steroids and testosterone for her superpowers,[2] which meant that many early Justice League missions involved raiding pharmacies.
- Trilingual Man ("the man with the tongue of steel") is able to speak English, German and French. His tongue is, quite literally, made of steel and he uses this as his main weapon in both verbal and non-verbal jousting.
- EuroNinja is a ninja who uses golden throwing-stars as his weapon. His deadly accuracy is surpassed only by his desire for economic, political and social cohesion in Europe.
- Bureaucat is a human-cat hybrid. Apart from her sharp claws, Bureaucat's main weapon are her Spiderman-esque red tape launchers which she uses to scale tall buildings and stop anything practical in its tracks.
- Rapid Reaction Man (a.k.a. G.I. Jacques) is not a superhero as such but an elite member of the EU's Rapid Reaction Force.
Notable Missions[edit | edit source]
Justice League Europe vs. Euroskeptic Man[edit | edit source]
The Justice League's arch-nemesis is Euroskeptic Man[3] who doesn't share the League's noble vision of a united Europe. This sick twisted individual believes that the EU will become just another empire and doesn't wish for his state to lose any of its sovereignty. Euroskeptic Man has defied the European Commission on numerous occasions. For example, he engineered a no vote to the European Constitution in France. Justice League Europe and Euroskeptic man have clashed many times. Usually the Justice League wins in the end due to a sustained campaign of pro-EU propaganda.
Justice League Europe and the Single European Currency[edit | edit source]
Perhaps the Justice League's greatest victory, the League succeeded in getting the Euro adopted in all but a handful of European countries thus getting rid of the hassle of changing currency whenever you want to travel elsewhere in Europe. They also got rid of the hassle of member countries devaluing their currency or changing their interest rate in order to prevent economic collapse.
Justice League Europe and the British CAP Rebate[edit | edit source]
The greedy British wouldn't relinquish their CAP Rebate (whatever that is)[4] so the Justice League made sure that everyone else in Europe thought that the British were selfish greedy bastards who wouldn't see 'The Bigger Picture'.
Problems[edit | edit source]
Despite their cool and oh-so-patriotic image there have been problems within the League. For one thing, none of the League Members (with the exception of Trilingual Man) could speak each other's language, which lead to misunderstandings, confusion and the death of a hippopotamus. Also, old nationalistic rivalries tended to resurface from time to time. This was most evident during the brief presence of The Polish Torch who left due to constant bickering with the German Uberwoman. There was chaos when the Italian Captain Europe was involved in a bribery and match-fixing scandal. In 1997 EuroNinja's disappearance led to a worldwide media-frenzy. He was later discovered making a movie with Jackie Chan. Finally, since their official inclusion within the European Union, the League has been so bogged down with paperwork that they rarely get to do any superheroing.
Trilingual Man Quotes[edit | edit source]
Trilingual is noted not only for his trilinguality and his habit of getting his metal tongue stuck to various magnets but also for his quick wit. Here is a selection of some of his best quips.
- You may have kidnapped the President of France Euroskeptic Man but are you aware that your fly is open?
- If I wanted to listen to a man talking shit I would have gone to an Enya concert!
- Somebody set us up the common market!
- You may have won this battle, Euroskeptic Man, but I shot your dog. Checkmate my friend.
Notes[edit | edit source]
