Martian Manhunter
“That green bastard stole my heart, that is my real one, not my... forget it, both.”
“I AM Batman.”
“STOP MIND RAPING ME!”
Martian Manhunter (J'onn J'onzz), also known as John Jones or Gary of Mars, a fictional character, is an extraterrestrial superhero that appears in comic books published by DC Comics. The character first appeared as an illegal alien who is hired by the Justice League of America when the organization began outsourcing off-world.
Origins[edit | edit source]
Marvin J. Finkerbottom was born to Keanu Reeves and Superman even though they are not gay. He is named after the famous hobo prostitute Marene Z. Finkerballz. At school he met Wonder Woman whom he dated. He also met Your Mom whom he didn't like at all because she acted like his emotionless dad Keanu. At an early age Marvin discovered that Oscar Wilde was on Earth, and soon went after him on a discarded silver surfboard, this marked the beginning of his adventures.
Life on Earth[edit | edit source]
On Earth Marvin took on the name of J'onn J'onzz wich in Martian means Joel Schumacher. J'onn was an instant overnight sensation with women because he was found wondering around with no pants on. Just like his father Superman he saved the world from Lex Luthor, The Joker, Giant Puppies, and Madonna. Unlike his father (Superman) he was mean, green, and allergic to emotions (but of course Keanu was). He once again dated Wonder Woman until he decided he didn't swing that way and became a Heterosexual. He went to Harvard and got kicked out for screwing a martian shaped skeleton. After that he joined The Justice League and actually started wearing pants and took on a more Human-like appearence.
In the Justice League he had many friends who where too happy (Batman even seemed friendly with Oscar Wilde). The leader of the League was, for obvious reasons, Oscar Wilde, The Person. He also met The Flash, Green Arrow, Hawkgirl, Your Dad, Wolverine, a spork, and Captain Underpants. He met all of the above in the employee restroom. J'onn also punches anyone that thinks that's dirty (he doesn't want you to know it is). As an alien in America he was accused of being a terrorist, which of course he is.
On January, 37 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue to Norway. J'onn dislikes this fact since it makes no sense. Also on that date in 1947 J'onn joined the USG (United States of George(Bush 15th). There he adopted the name "Tall, Light, and Gay" because we all know how soldiers are, (Don't Ask, Don't Tell). He disliked war and thinks it should not allow woman ("They're too fragile"). He also got kicked in the nuts by Joel Schumacher for stealing his name (He speaks martian himself, who knew?) After the war J'onn returned to the Leauge which was run by Stan Lee at that point. Stan welcomed J'onn with open arms, and pants. This greeting is strange since Stan is almost definetely 25% not a pansy. J'onn adopted his current name of Martian Manhunter, although he thinks that sounds gay. Later after Stan left to go work for The Avengers (led by God) Superman came to Earth and became leader also he made Martian Manhunter spend time with Keanu ("He was very sad you know he just looked into blank space for months after you left").
War on Sexy Martinis[edit | edit source]
Superman led the Leauge to many wars (ex. The Kitten vs. Human War, War on Stupidity, Bush 34 Pt. 2: The Revenge, And So On And So Forth). The major war that Manhunter fought in was the War on Sexy Martinis (female martians). This war was entirely fought on Martinis. This war would go down as the sluttiest, sexiest, least gay war in history. Some Martinis died in the making of this porno war. This was the only non-appearence of the horny cable repairman Oscar Wilde ever in any war. Let us pray for the Martinis that had died, and the absence of Mr. Wilde.
Manhunter's Fight for the Independent Rights to And So On And So Forth[edit | edit source]
This fight was the only thing Manhunter was known for, besides getting woman happy to see a green wang since Shakespeare. This fight was the right to say ater making love "and so on and so forth". He brought this case to the Supreme Court, the White House, and even all-mighty McDonald's, and none of them...disagreed on the proposition. The first to test it was a dog on someone's leg ("Well you're riggid, I love you well,.. so on and so forth") after saying this the leg violently attacked the dog. Later, that year the leg was charged with abuse, and "not calling back". This was the only case of abuse after saying the famous lines. Manhunter was exepted into The Guild of Sex Phrases, where he had sure-fire hits like...
| “ | Well that's it, get outta my f'in' bed. | ” |
| “ | Don't cry I'm just an elephant. | ” |
| “ | I swear to god I am most certainly Batman. | ” |
| “ | Pillow Fight! | ” |
| “ | That's how Martians do it, with their mind! | ” |
Larry Hagman tried but failed with "I'm old give me a break".
Dicks[edit | edit source]
Once in awhile Batman and Manhunter would team up to investigate rapes, and Lesbian Pillow Fights (The naked kind). They were the biggest detectives (peni dicks) in town. Everytime they knocked on a criminal's door and announce "We are professional dicks open up" The person would laugh, pee themselves, then give themselves up hoping that what was just told to them was true (dirt alert!). The town decided that having them being called dicks was wrong, so they changed their names to breasts, as not to affend the male anatomy. Gays unfortunetly still called them dicks, but got shot too. Lesbians had no problem calling them breasts which led to much innuendo ("I'd like to rub those breasts, over there!")
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- He's having mind-sex with you right now!
- He's dated Gay Aiken a couple of times... ("I thought he was a chick!)
- He's impersonated Colin Powell and essentially stole his identity and job with the U.S. Military. He then proceeded to turn into Martha Kent just so he can be near Kevin Costner and Henry Cavill
- Married Princess Peach (Febrmarch, 0 2009- Bushy, 11 1492 (In Norway)
- Stole Oscar Wilde's Heart, aannndddd his love, ewwwww!
- Thinks Chuck Norris had STDs.
- Jet Li stalks him ("How can he do that?")
- This is the Trivia section.
- Made Jean-Luc Picard think that bald is sexy (weellll, in somecases...)
- Godfather is Sirius Black (Sound like a familiar premise?)
- Related to Jay Leno, You, Bat-Hound, Hulk, and a grue-spork hybrid.
- Thinks that the word spork is some kind of a toilet!
- Has read Neil Gaiman ("Nothing to complain they're fasinating")
- End Transmission is actually a dirty phrase.
