Kitten-related human fatalities

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Kitten-related human fatalities occur whenever a Human being is slain via brutal dismemberment of the fingers or in serious cases, decapitation, by a kitten. However, internal bleeding is the most common cause due to a widely popular replacement to common street drugs, known as kitten huffing. Although many kitten-related human fatalities are caused by violent slaughter at the paws of a kitten, the mass majority of incidents are caused primarily through kitten huffing.

Recorded incidents[edit | edit source]

  • In 1950, a kitten scratched the brains out of three children as they were watching the Spanish Inquisition on TV. The children reportedly "smell[ed] like a scratching post".
  • In 1965, noted novelist Edgar Rice Burroughs died of an apparent kitten overdose. Although the coroner ruled it a suicide at the official inquest, there continues to be speculation that foul play was involved.
  • In 1976, an ironic turn of events saw five kitten-induced deaths at a PETA rally entitled "Kittens Are Our Friends."
  • In 1977, Elvis "The King" Presley dies from a tragic incident involving kitten huffing. Official reports state that paramedics administered Mr. Presley cocaine intravenously in an attempt to counter the effects his failed attempt at huffing the kitten. Sources close to the investigation allege that he was huffing the wrong end of the kitten. Anonymous sources have alleged that Osama bin Cuddles, leader of the terrorist group al-Qitty known for carrying out swift vengeance against kitten huffers, offered Mr. Presley his last kitten. This may have been due to a long-lasting rivalry over a love interest between Mr. Presley and bin Cuddles shared: King Kong.
  • Kitten hurling battles are one of the most common sources of kitten-related human fatalities. The most famous of these was when noted kitten hurler Lord Voldemort used his knowledge of mechanical kitten augmentation to turn kittens into guns. Some critics claim that this wasn't exactly a kitten related death, but their research neglects that the gun was a kitten to begin with, even if it wasn't when it was used to kill Bob the Builder, the opposing hurler.

Deadliness Index[edit | edit source]

They're only cute until someone loses a couple pints of blood.

Surprisingly, kittens are the deadliest animal based on the DI, or Deadliness Index. The DI is calculated as follows:

  • Multiply average number of teeth by 7.
  • Substitute product for X.
  • Solve: 3x+2/pi
  • Throw answer out the window and rank based on pure scariness.

Thus, the rankings are as follows:

  1. Kittens. Oh yes. Be very, very afraid.
  2. Manatees. Blubbery assassins of the deep.
  3. Plankton. Locals refer to them as "microscopic bearers of doom".
  4. O'Possums. They're deadly only after the Dublin Drunken Popes lose, so they kill quite often.
  5. Goats. Only on Wednesdays. DAMN YOU Mr. Possum!!

Kitten safety precautions[edit | edit source]

Another CATastrophe

The best defense against kittens is abstinence. Be smart! Your safest bet is to avoid risky activities like participating in unprotected Kitten hurling battles or sharing kittens while huffing.

Experts say if you absolutely must be around kittens the following safety precautions are absolutely necessary.

  1. Wear goggles. Kittens can have claws up to 10 centimeters long, capable of removing a human eye from the skull
  2. Wear flame-retardant clothing. Most common kitten species have body temperatures exceeding 396°C, capable of instantaneous ignition of non-flame-retardant clothing.
  3. Carry a tangerine. The smell of tangerines is invisible to kittens, and a popular tool used to mask the smell of fear.

See also[edit | edit source]

Notes[edit | edit source]