Zombie War
Zombie War[edit | edit source]
“Hey look, it's a zombie!”
A Zombie War (also know as the Dawn of the Dead) happened as Prophesied by George Romero, who predicted not only by word and print, but also made a entire movie which most other prophets don't have the balls to make, requiring people to learn how to read if they aren't lucky enough to be around when the prophet makes a prophecy. Unfortunately Mr. Romero came back as a Zombie so now is caged in the Smithsonian and bugged constantly to prophecy, even though he made a movie. According to Mr. Romero who bellowed in Rage when asked why Romero's films never explicitly explain how or why exactly the recently dead begin to rise at all. To this Romero shouted; "I will knock down the Gates of the Netherworld, I will smash the door posts, and leave the doors flat down, And will let the dead go up to eat the living! And the dead will outnumber the living!" Which was a "no-brainer" (get-it?) since the Dead would be eating the living.
Cause of the Zombie War[edit | edit source]
According to the Romero Prophecy the Birth would rise because of a secret Government policy with burying Genetic Chemical waste inside the corpses of the Departed. Don't believe me, ask the Government, they'll tell you they don't do that. These chemicals not only caused the dead to rise and be hungry for human flesh, but also to possess strange and magical powers that give them the edge over their living predecessors. These powers are so great that Major League baseball players are now tested for Zombism. The main cause for the Zombie war was in fact that Dead people discovered living people were easy to catch and eat.
How Zombism works[edit | edit source]
The "AIDS virus" (Asexually Infecting Deadites) that created zombies is actually a new parasite that takes over the life form. It changes the appearance, metabolism, and internal workings of the host. Instead of being spread like a plague by contamination, the phenomenon presents itself in any human that has died from any cause (except those which destroy the physical structure of the brain). Which most people thought to be Bullshit. The reason they have to eat human flesh is that the parasite feeds off the flesh, so once the zombie is dead, they have to keep consuming the human flesh for the parasite. It also reproduces asexually, causing infection from the bites. Indicating that not only are Zombies flesh-eating monsters, but also asexually reproducing perverts.
Famous Zombie War Battles[edit | edit source]
- Army of Darkness
Led by General "Lefty" Ash this battle was waged in the Good Ol' US of A (by God!). Not "England" as pissy English people like to point out. Who led drunken Scotsmen and stupid Englishmen in battle against a bunch of old dead drunken Scots Zombies and Stupid English Zombies. Secret weapon of victory was the attachment of a windmill blade to the transmission of a steam powered Buick Regal.
- Astro Zombies
Not only did earth suffer from attacks by our own Dead people but the Dead of Illegal Aliens began to attack us. Luckily Earth was saved by The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and the CIA.
- Night of the Living Dead
The Zombies attack at night, in a assault so terrifying that Black men and White women are forced to cohabitate in 1968 Pennsylvania. Victory went to the Living as the Dead weren't smart enough to use firearms.
- Dawn of the Dead
The Counter attack of the Dead after the Night of the Living Dead. Surprised the Living who were forced to barricade themselves in Shopping malls, where they discovered the new threat of almost dead "Mall Walkers."
- Day of the Dead
The Zombie forces after being handed multiple defeats by the armed Civilian populace, decide to attack military targets, where they are tricked into serving in Iraq for a indefinite period. Hey they don't die or get old, right?
- Shaun of the Dead
A United Kingdom git, kept the only recorded account of this battle, thus making him out to be the savior of the United Kingdom and the World in that order. Saves his girlfriend, but feeds his immediate family, best friend, and anyone coming in contact with him to the Zombies to save his own hide. A bloody Bastard.
- 28 days war
Zombies discover super soldier serum that allows them to cling to walls, run like cheetahs, and bite through iron. Luckily all happened in United Kingdom. English people considered to taste, "very bland."
- Resident Evil
- Not to be outdone by the "Limeys" America creates its own brand o Super Zombie that not only did everything the English Zombie did but could mutate into other stuff. Zombies went to go ask Alice and got their undead asses handed to them.
The Zombies where able to form a 51st state after they invaded the world. There are only four human inhabitants of Zombieland.
- Zombie Invasion of 2016
After Supreme ruler Potato head (a loaded baked potato), formerly Mr. Potato Head, declared the zombie war over, Darth Vader, using zombie DNA, Invaded Earth On February 33, 2016 A.D.. While on Earth, Vader purchased a copy of Star Wars episode VI: Return of The Jedi. Upset by the movie's ending, Darth Vader Sent himself back in time to assassinate George Lucas. Because Traditional assassination was risky, Darth Vader pressured George Lucas's parents into getting an Abortion. This caused a time paradox,which sent everything back to January 20, 1993. the zombie war would be over, except for the fact that Bill Clinton, along with that woman, are zombies.
References[edit | edit source]
- A American History of Zombie War Battles.