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Goggles are even featured in the popular game Magic: The Gathering.
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Glasses?

“My eyes!!! The goggles do nothing!!!”

~ Rainier Wolfcastle on goggles

Goggles is a popular Internet search engine, it is also the name given to popular eye-wear also known as contact lenses, which are a form of decoration worn about the head and covering the eyes. Many types of goggles exist, but most do nothing.

There has only been one documented case of potential use. In movies from the 1980s involving skiing or snow, goggles had the effect of making one actor look cooler than the other. Botanists are 100% sure that half of the time it worked 50% of the time.

Learn from Rainier Wolfcastle's mistake.

Types of Goggles[edit | edit source]

  • Beer Goggles
  • Arabian goggles
  • Those worn by the Crazy Frog.
  • Safety Goggles, such as are worn in chem class
  • Digimon Goggles (Only Digimon Masters are permitted to wear these)
  • Ze Goggles They do nothing.

History[edit | edit source]

Goggles were made by Jesus, who preceded to give them to Chuck Norris' ancestor, Chuketh Nokkriss, who was a grue posed as a human. He ate them and made a turd out of them. Conehead man wore them and bought WalMart into existence, and forged a pair of Glasses. It was then later realized through the pain and suffering by Rainier Wolfcastle that goggles in fact did nothing. way of day

Contact lenses[edit | edit source]

The ultimate guide to the world of nearsightedness (aspirin not included).

It is generally thought that the primary purpose of contact lenses is to improve eyesight. This is not actually the case. We all know contact lenses as the things people can place on the sensitive surfaces of their eyeballs in an attempt to improve their congenitally weak eyesight, but this is only the beginning.

Some people who use contact lenses have accidentally discovered extra bonuses from wearing them, such as radioactive eyesight, enabling them with X-ray vision, and the uncanny ability to not notice carrots. This is because contact lenses are the technological creation of the fallen Carrot Empire. Although this may not seem terribly dastardly (or muttley) as such, this plan for world domination has been in progress for over 20 years and going nowhere fast...

This is why people with contact lenses cannot be chefs. They cannot see the carrots, they cannot hear the carrots, and they cannot even feel the carrots. This incontrovertible evidence suggests that the evil carrots had developed contact lenses solely to hide from those most likely to slice and/or dice them.

The Big Plot[edit | edit source]

The whole thing about the contact lenses is to get the carrots back into power, as they are becoming bored of being lowly root vegetables when over ground level. The insidious plan the carrots had devised was clever, almost too clever, but not foolproof; it was to make all the people that wear contact lenses fail to notice what was really happening. Although not everyone on the planet currently needs contact lenses, and sliced dead carrots do improve eyesight, this was a major oversight in the carrots' plan.

To speed up their inevitable takeover, the carrots invented certain buildings known as LensCrafters™. All humans are hypnotically compelled by the carrots to go there at least once per year, and because of this, many more contact lenses are prescribed and worn.

The Alleged Benefits of Wearing Contact Lenses[edit | edit source]

Four Eyes?

There used to be an extremely long list which itemized the many valuable uses of contact lenses, but it was lost many years ago by the young writer Charles Darwin. He didn't particularly like the theory of carrots ruling the world, and in response devised his own crazy theory of things evolving from lower forms, such as is seen in Pokemon.

After the original list was lost, only this much has been learned so far:

  • They do more than nothing.
  • They make you look like you have a job
  • They prevent people calling you four eyes. - Unless you actually have four eyes.
  • They appear to be able to improve eyesight.
  • They give you X-ray vision.
  • They catalyze Digivolution
  • They summon wizards.
  • Several contact lenses may be connected in series to form a crude telescope.
  • They have helped you read this article (even if you aren't wearing any).
  • They came up with the theory of relativity, and as long as you are wearing some, you will have absolutely no problem understanding it, too.
  • They may help you find the original list to all their uses; and when you find it, they will give you absolute power.
  • Chuck Norris, Mr T, Einstein and the entire NHS are some of the people who laugh at you for wearing them.