~ Oscar Wilde on golf clothing
Golf Clothing is ridiculous coordination of poorly fitting jumpers, sweaters, and comical trousers as best sported by such legends as Jimmy Tarbuck and Bruce Forsyth. It is worm by the intellectually challenged, and extensively throughout the golfing world.
The association of golf with phenomenal clothing reaches back to the sport's earliest days of bearded Scotsmen in kilts. However, for the majority of the sport's history the tendency of players to wear idiotic clothing was not apparent as golf was played exclusively by upper-class twits who wore stupid attire equally on and off the course, The culmination being the inclusion of plus-fours in a standard outfit.
It was not until the 1960s and 1970s that a clear gap opened up between the clothing used by golfers and that worn by the rest of humanity. While the whole world was wearing jeans, t-shirts and sports shoes, some golf clubs enforced that you wore your socks pulled all the way up, while others insisted that they be pulled all the way down. Except on ladies day. Ladies of course have no dress code and can wear whatever they hell they like, an issue which has never caused any controversy as women have never been allowed to play golf.
Golf remained an exclusive preserve of the white male middle and upper classes until the late 1990s, when the aspirational nature of many non-white Rap (music) stars notably Tiger Woods flooded into the game bringing with it a level of coolness never seen before.
The overall effect of the 'rap infusion' into golf clothing has allowed the modern golfer to occasionally wear a T shirt, although it's still very important that the clothing clearly shows the brand name of corporation who sells golfing equipment.
Key elements of any golfer's wardrobe
- Shoes These should be leather, preferably multi-coloured with as many tassels as possible. Small studs on the bottom render them useless for any purpose other than golf. Trainers must not be worn on the course as they damage the greens. Caddies must wear trainers at all times to protect the greens from damage.
- Trousers Never jeans or cargo pants. Let me repeat that. Never jeans or cargo pants. Especially the jeans. Or the pants. In another age they were called slacks, and represented almost everything that was wrong about the society they inhabited. Aspiring to be smart, casual, comfortable and fashionable, they in fact managed to be none of these things. Modern manufacturing methods have enabled golf trousers to be produced in a much wider range of horrid colours than before and unfortunately this trend does not appear lightly to change any time soon.
- Belt Used to allow the golfer to tuck his (usually extensive) paunch into his trousers.
- Upper body wear The upper body is where the golfer can begin to display his individuality. A traditionalist might choose a dark blue v-necked sweater with a white roll-necked sweater underneath while the younger, more modern golfer may select a salmon pink polo shirt, especially if it clashes violently with his hair or complexion.
- Hat/sunglasses/other accessories This is where a golfer can really go to town and make his mark. Usually this mark involves slavishly copying the style favoured by a professional golfer. For instance, the wide-brimmed hat made fashionable by Greg Norman in the nineties has been supplanted by the modish and functionally useless baseball cap worn by Tiger Woods.