~ Author the biggest kept beaurocratic secret“If you are female, and you came to this page trying to figure out what to wear, you are better off wearing a schlumpy dress. The world has so many of them, why don't you?”
~ Oscar Wilde
A polo shirt is a type of shirt with a collar and a few buttons below the neck. Deceptively, one thinks that by wearing one it is a nice way to dress for virtually any occasion, and it's a done deal. But polo shirts really serve the function of dehumanization, making a person who is wearing one look ugly, disgusting, and reprehensible. More than anything else, they take rob the individual of one's personality. The hidden message behind the polo shirt is "I suck." The bottom line: Polo shirts are worn by and only by losers.“WARNING!!!!! Polo shirts should never, ever, ever be worn by women!!!!!”
~ A woman who chooses to wear a polo shirt is giving up her femininity, and is making herself look like a man.
No man would ever want to look at or be kind to a woman wearing a polo shirt. For a woman to wear a polo shirt is asking for unfavorable treatment. If you are a woman, and you want more favorable treatment from society, try wearing a dress or a blouse and skirt instead. Even if you don't want to wear one of these, just wear anything else, for damn's sake!
Polo shirts are not much better for men either. A much better choice is to wear a flambouyant style button-down shirt, a Hawaiian shirt, or an artistic-looking T-shirt together with your favorite pair of sweatpants of shorts. Even a sweatshirt can show a better side of you. This shows more character in you.
And don't you dare think of dressing your child in a polo shirt. To do so is child abuse and you will lose custody of your child and go to jail!!!!! If you want to do the right thing, teach your child not to ever don a polo shirt, just as you would teach them to look both ways before crossing the street!
Polo shirts are notable for all their numerous uses in being unfashionable.
As just anything to wear for the day
Many people think a polo shirt is just something you can throw on when you have no time to think about what to wear. It slips over the head easily, and you decide whether to button all or some of the buttons, or better yet, none. The shirt is expendible, and it can absorb all your sweat. But at the same time, you don't have to worry about being turned away if you choose to dine at a 5-star restaurant.
As something to wear in the white collar workplace
So, you don't want to wear a suit and tie. There is something else you think that does just as much the trick. You can wear a polo shirt with a pair of Docker's and a belt. A great match while sitting in front of the computer all day, attending business meetings, or having lunch at Starbucks. You could even wear it to a job interview.
If this is the case, congratulations. You have just found yourself in a world of suckers. These suckers are labeled as geniuses by a number system that marks intelligence as a number, puts people in jobs based on this number, treats the world in accordance with numbers. Common sense is working its way to being extinct. This world is ruled by policy. This means everything in a given situation must always be done a certain way, even if we don't like it. You are a member of a far from elite group of people of whom it is claimed minds like yours are needed to perform these skills, but who never think outside the box. This is a world that brings the most money to bullies who get even more in tax-funded bailouts. The rest of us are just pawns who can be thrown away at will, the hell with us.
As a work uniform
Polo shirts are used by many employers as a uniform for employees. For the employee who is actually wearing the polo shirt, it is a sign that the employee is required to be subservient to the employer. The employee is owned by the employer, and is under the employer's control. The employee is living a very unhappy life, and does not ever feel like smiling or saying anything nice for a change.
For playing golf
Some polo shirts are called golf shirts because they are traditionally worn while playing golf. These ones sometimes have pockets. Golfers think somehow that they must be worn to play golf.
But actually, it is not recommended that you wear one during a golf match, or even during practice. Try wearing the same tuxedo or dress you wore at your wedding instead. But even if that is too hot, you can still get away with golfing in your bikini. Anything else will go just as easily. Just keep in mind that golfers who wear these shirts score much lower than golfers who wear anything else.
For playing tennis
You may not know it, but polo shirts were invented for no purpose other than playing tennis. They were originally called tennis shirts.
So, if you want to play tennis, you have permission to wear a tennis shirt. This is the one exception. But you cannot wear it in the streets either while traveling to the tennis court, or while coming home after. If you were in a play, you would not wear your costume on the bus to get to the play. So why would you wear your tennis costume to the tennis court?
The best thing to do is to change in the port-a-pot provided at the tennis court. That is all they have; there are no restrooms. Change into it there. After all, you will stink up your shirt anyway from playing. When you are done, change back into something more appropriate for the way home. Perhaps a wifebeater will do the trick.
To rob banks
Polo shirts are the best thing to wear when robbing a bank. This excludes the ones that have the name of your employer, or better yet, your own name embroidered onto them.
Throughout history, bank robbers have robbed banks wearing just about anything. The most important gear of all is the mask. Or at least most robbers think that.
But actually, a plain, solid colored polo shirt is your best bet for not ever getting caught or identified. Why? Because it makes you look very ordinary and you blend into the population. Besides, no one would ever suspect you are a robber. If your picture from the surveillance camera appears on the FBI's most wanted list, it would still be anyone's guess who the face belongs to. You would just be called the "polo shirt robber" by the press.
Some polo shirts have logos attached to the left side of the chest (meaning the side your left arm is on, in case you are confused). Why this is always the left side as opposed to the right side, that remains a mystery. Either way, this is a very bad type of clothing to wear. If you are wearing something like this, it shows you are an unbalanced, assymetrical type of person. You do not know how to make good fashion choices, and are putting it in the hands of whoever sewed or embroidered that logo on.
Most people who wear these shirts think they are wearing something really spiffy. But the only thing they are showing off is someone else's business. The purpose of this logo is to advertise for the manufacturer, who has the owner duped into thinking they are they are keeping up with the Joneses by dressing like this.
The alligator being a maneating animal shows one's aggresive personality, that of one who bites.
The eagle is a sign of one who has too much pride but is really a nobody. Stay away!!!!
Many employers who require their employees wear a polo shirt will attach their own logos to the polo shirt. In some cases, they will also attach the employee's name to the right side. All this is a sign of ownership. The employer gets to tell you what to do, all while treating you as a machine it can put in the trash if they don't like you.
Meanings by color
Each color of a polo shirt is associated with a different word and has a different meaning.
The blue polo shirt (particularly light blue) is associated with the word "creep." Creepy Blue Meanie.