Eagles

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Haast's eagles are extinct. You can help Uncyclopedia by locating a live one and writing an article about how you did it. That stupid ass sculpture by Mark Hill obviously does not count as a live Haast's eagle.

“Fucking Eagles”

~ Oscar Wilde on Eagles
America's Pride: The Bald Eagle

“Fucking Humans

~ Eagles on Humans


“Fucking Everyone

~ Philadelphia Eagles on Everyone

“Fucking SHUT UP

~ Sparrow on everyone

Eagles are large birds of prey which have powerful wings, sharp talons and other structural adaptations that totally kick ass but chuck norris will completely destroy u all. Eagles are only found in the United States of America and parts of Antarctica. Though the way more awesome Super Eagles can only be found in the UK. Due to America's obsession with bald eagles, the rest of the world regards them as "a bit shit."

Philip Mahogany was once convicted of gross indecency with an eagle, but it was later discovered that such a man did not exist.

There are 10 species of Eagle:

Blackbird tries to cash in on the Eagle's coolness
  1. Bald Eagle
  2. American Eagle
  3. Philadelphia Eagle
  4. B-3 Bomber
  5. Screaming Eagle
  6. Desparado
  7. Hotel California
  8. Eagle Scout
  9. The Eagles of Death Metal
  10. First Nation Eagle
An evil Communist bunny.

Eagles have always been an enduring symbol of Freedom, Disco Music and the Republican Party. They also have confused with superman, but upon closer inspection he is usually found to be a plane instead.

They were first created by the US Government in 1341 AD to defend America's forests from the evils of Communism. At that point of time, the Soviets were sending in hordes of brainwashed Commie Rabbits (among other small, furry animals) to invade our woodlands. The rabbits were quick, but the eagles were faster. Those Commie Bastards never knew what hit them. By 1360, the Rabbits withdrew from America forever, and the star-spangled banner flew high. Mario (A.K.A Joseph Stalin) was one pissed off Bosko.

The remaining evil bunnies were killed off by freedom-loving school-children and speedsters. During the war, a few unofficial and often overlapping alliances were formed with the Fish tribes of America. However, it was soon discovered that the Fish were vehement supporters of 'Water Conservation' and other Unamerican ideologies.

To this very day, the Eagle continues to defend our holy land in the sea, the forests and the air.


American Eagle Sub-species - Bald Eagle (Eaglis Mericanus)[1][edit]

One sub species of the American Eagle is the Bald Eagle. The Bald Eagle can be found all over North America.

First sightings of early Bald Eagles were around 1605. They were seen steals fish from flying ospreys, breaks up a parties of vultures trying to have relaxing dinner with a giant moose carcass, and dropping turtle from high altitudes to make turtle soup. Bald Eagles from the start were violent, very aggressive, and stole from other First Nation Eagles (Eaglis occidentails) declaring they were non-believers and heretics that should be punished in the eyes of the great Eagle creator Gorge Washington. First Nation Eagles according to One Who Fly's with Eagles were created by Mohawk people, and later build by the five tribes of the Haudenosaunee. There First Nations Eagles were starting to see conversions and evolutionary changes to Bald Eagles by 1620 as the blood thrust from the Bald Eagles showed no mercy in taking lands owned by the First Nation Eagles. At some point, from 1620 there were more than 500 sub-spices First Nations Eagles there sub-spices have dwindled to around 250 to 300 subspecies across the United States in 2019. The Bald Eagles kept stealing land from First Nation Eagles rabbit hunting territory till there few areas for First Nation Eagles to hunt. First Nation Eagles however are quite resilient and have survived to this day making strives to assure their self's into Bald Eagle society.

As well, in the last 130 years the Bald Eagle has been seen island hoping across the Pacific Ocean all the way to the Philippines. At one point the Bald Eagles were seen in Hawaii in 1850, Cuba from 1890 till 1959, and in many Caribbean countries from 1900 to the 1920s. They were over hunted, and many returned to Florida after October 1929. Since the end of world war II there have been sightings of Bald Eagles all over the world from Japan in 1946, western Europe in the late 1940s, Korea in 1950, iran in 1953, Guatemala in 1954, Indonesia 1957, Democratic Republic of Congo, Vietnam, and Laos in 1960, Bolivia 1968 and Chile in 1970 and in many more places in the world. The Majority of Eagle sightings have been in tropical fruit production countries and oil producing countries since the end of the 2nd world war. There no explain nation to why the Bald Eagles would go to so many faraway places other than to hunt down evil communist bunnies. However, since 1991 they have seemed to use genetically modified seeds and nuts to hunt down bunnies in India, Mexico, Argentina, and Brazil. There is some scholars like Etana Samartianis, Otto Van Bismark, One Who Fly's with Eagles, and Jolene Holiday who have suggested there is another reason for this change was since the 1980 there has been eagles mostly hovering over the area of the Middle East because of good nesting spots to hunt the last remaining bunny's. Bald Eagles have nests in more than 900 locations around the world according to Roxanne Dunbar-Ortiz on page 226 in her book First Nation Eagles history of the United States. Moreover, there are suggestions there is many new breads of eagles trying to vie for power in that region that have had greater success in controlling bunny populations in Iraq, Israel, Jordan, Egypt, Syria, Saudi Arabia, Lebanon, Sudan, Oman, U.A.E, Qatar, Libya, and Iran.

Eagles in popular Culture[edit]

For some unexplainable reason, authors and moviemakers seem to think themselves tremendously clever when using a simile/metaphor/sex toy involving Eagles. Some popular works of fiction involving Eagles:

  • "Where Eagles dare."
  • "Legal Eagle"
  • "Hump that Eagle"
  • "Hump that Beagle"
  • "Eagle vs Beagle"
  • "When Eagles ruled the Earth."
  • "When Eagles take a pee."
  • "Eagle vs Beagle 2: Who let the dog out?"
  • "Don't touch my Eagle"
  • "Eagle vs Beagle 3: Who let the bird out?"
  • "Eagle vs Beagle 4: Final Battles"
  • "Eagle vs Beagle 5: Ultra Battle"
  • "Eagle vs Beagle 6: I Need Money"